Evidence of Sephiroth's Humanity
by dantesdarkqueen
Summary: A series of oneshotsdrabbles that basically show that Sephiroth is just as human as you and me. Most of them will be humorous, and all are preNibelheim. Latest: the saga comes to a close. Thanks, everyone, for your support and for reading this!
1. Jumping Diaphragm

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. And please, please, please don't hunt me down and kill me for putting this particular imagery in your head!

Jumping Diaphragm

"Hic!"

"Yo Seph, what's up?" Zack poked his head in through the General's door, the usual friendly smile on his face.

"Nothing – hic! – Zack. Absolutely – hic! – nothing."

The younger SOLDIER spun the rest of his body inside the office, a quizzical expression replacing the smile. "Do you have the hiccups?"

"No!" Sephiroth reached for his bottle of water and took a healthy swig, nearly choking when his diaphragm chose that exact moment to contract again.

Zack smiled evilly. "You do."

"No, I – hic! – do not." The silver-haired man scowled and forced his lips to remain shut as another hiccup bounced its way up from his lungs. "Generals do not – hic! – get the – hic! – hiccups! Hic!"

"Then what do you call those?"

He sniffed proudly. "A case of – hic! – an overly-active – hic! – diaphragm."

"In other words, hiccups."

"They are not – hic! – hiccups!" Sephiroth stubbornly protested.

"Suit yourself, Seph." Zack shrugged and walked out of the office. "I'll bring in the rest of my paperwork later, when I get around to working on it."

Sephiroth scowled and gestured at his own mountains of paperwork. "Don't I have – hic! – enough to look over and – hic! – sign as it –hic! – is?"  
"Not my call."

He considered throwing a Bolt1 at Zack's ass as retaliation for his teasing (normally, he didn't mind Zack's teasing, but today he just wasn't in the mood), but decided against it. His chest and abdominal area hurt too much for him to engage in much more than sitting and reaching and signing at the moment.

Sephiroth _hated_ getting the hiccups. He hated feeling his diaphragm jumping around like a landed, flopping fish. It always hurt like hell after the first few seconds. He glared down at the offending area of his torso and silently commanded it to cease its vigorous mutiny and return to merely regulating his breathing.

The diaphragm was not in a cooperative mood. His hiccups continued unabated. The General snarled indecipherably and resumed signing his name on the dotted lines of his mountains of paperwork.

Zack suddenly reappeared in the doorway, just as his hiccups were starting to go away. "Hey Seph, here's that paperwork I promised you."

"What? You finished it that fast?" Sephiroth took the proffered paperwork and looked it over. "Thank you, Zack. I think."  
But Zack hadn't heard his superior. He was staring at something over Sephiroth's shoulder, violet eyes wide with shock. Then he burst out laughing. The General glared at him.

"What's so funny?"

"Seph, I wouldn't turn around if I was you."

"Why not?" He turned his chair around and let out a yelp as he came nearly face-to-face with what appeared to be a pink, bushy worm. His chair tipped back, spilling the General onto the floor and banging his head against his desk, allowing him to get a better look at the monster currently hanging outside his window.

Palmer was dangling from a rope, stripped stark naked, grinning sheepishly at the two SOLDIERs.

"Guess Palmer groped Scarlet again. She did threaten to string him up and strip him if he ever touched her ass again," Zack laughed. "Still, one would think she'd be able to get longer rope, right Seph?"

There was no answer from the other side of the desk.

"Seph?" Zack went around the desk and crouched next to his superior and friend, who was staring fixedly at the fat, naked excuse for a pinata outside his window. "Hey Seph, you ok?"

Sephiroth opened his mouth to reply. "Hic! Hic! Hic! Hic! Hic! Hic!..."


	2. cough syrup plus mako equals insanity

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

Cold Medicine Plus Mako Equals…

"Hey Seph! Wanna go out for lunch?" Zack inquired, knocking on the General's office door. "The crap in the cafeteria is even worse than usual today, and there's this new Wutaian café just down the street. My treat!"

There was no reply from the darkened office.

"Seph? Hey, Seph!" Zack turned the knob and poked his head in. "You in here?"

There was a soft noise from beneath the desk.

Curious now, the black-haired SOLDIER crept into the office and over to the desk. "Seph?" Receiving no reply, he knocked a fist on the desktop. There was a muffled yelp from under the surface. Zack peeked under the desk, but didn't see anything. Straightening, he scratched his head, confused. "Could've sworn I heard him under there…"

"Zack? Is that you?" Sephiroth's voice whispered from somewhere under the desk.

"Seph? Where the hell are you?"

One of the desk drawers slid open, and a mini-Sephiroth peeked his head over the lip of the drawer. "Are they gone?"

Bewildered as to why Sephiroth would be shrunk to the size of his forearm, not to mention hiding in one of his own desk drawers, Zack crouched beside the chair. "Who are 'they?'"

"Them! The people out to get me! The people who are going to feed me to rampaging cactuars if they catch me!" the silver-haired man babbled.

"And why would they want you?" Zack inquired, noticing how red his superior's nose was, how bright his eyes seemed. He also thought he heard Sephiroth sniffle.

"Because I know things about their evil plan to steal our immortal souls and turn them into chocobos!"

Zack pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. "Who gave you the cough syrup?"

Sephiroth sniffled and wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve. "Reno. Why?"

"Nothing. Just get a new hiding spot before that Mini spell wears off." He pushed the drawer closed again, got up, and left the office, heading for the Turk offices.

Reno should have known to never, ever give Sephiroth cold medicine. Mako tended to react with the medicine, resulting in insane behavior from the imbiber. Zack knew it all too well; he had recently gotten over a cold after spending several hours clinging to the ceiling in the gym after taking some Nyquil to stop his sneezing.

And because Sephiroth had waaaayyy more mako in his body than Zack did, it meant he was going to be basically nuts for at least a few days.

"I'm gonna _kill _Reno…"


	3. Nasty Discovery

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. And no, I am not a really big fan of the various Seph/male pairings. Sorry people, but he just comes off as straight to me! Some of the other dudes (coughRenocough) seem like they could be bi. But Seph is not one of them.

Nasty Discovery

It felt like his head was exploding.

Sephiroth groaned and squeezed his eyes more tightly shut, trying to remember why he had listened to Zack last night and gone drinking at that night club with him. He must have gone crazy from the extra paperwork Scarlet had sent him demanding that he allow her to recruit twenty of his SOLDIERs for weapons-testing, and his second-in-command had caught him when he really could have used a good, stiff drink. Yeah, that must have been what happened.

The curtains were partially open, allowing a thin ray of sunlight to stream through the window and directly into his sensetive eyes. Sephiroth glared at the light through his eyelids, wishing the yellow disc would just explode and plunge the world into darkness already. He felt lousy enough as it was without the aid of the sun.

Growling something unrepeatable, he pulled the blankets up over his head and snuggled deeper into the pillows, hoping sleep would deflect his growing headache before it could erupt into a full-blown hangover. And if memory served, he would need it.

_How many tequilas did I have last night? Lost count around 15... _

It took a moment before he realized that something was...wrong.

_My blankets aren't this scratchy... And my sheets are Wutaian silk, not Kalmish cotton. _

_Oh no..._

Hoping he was merely dreaming, he rolled onto his side and cracked one eye open.

There were two other people in bed with him, at least. There was a shock of spiky black hair on his right, and long tail of orange-red hue trailing across the blanket on his right. Both were buried so deeply beneath the blankets that only the tops of their heads were visible.

_Tell me I picked up some women last night. Tell me I picked up some women last night. Tell me I picked up some women last night, _he thought desperately, reaching out to pull the blankets back from the owners of the hair.

He felt his heart stop as the sleeping faces of Zack and Reno were revealed under the woolen covers. The redhead stirred lightly, and one vivid green eye slid open to look up at him. "Hey, General. How ya doing this mornin'? Never thought you'd conk out, yo. You really took a lot out of me last night!"

Sephiroth stared at him for a moment, then fainted dead away.


	4. Reaffirmation

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

Reaffirmation

Zack strolled up the hallway towards Sephiroth's office with a cocky stride, whistling a happy tune. Today was shaping up to a pretty rosy one. One of the hot new secretaries on the fifty-third floor had agreed to go out on a date with him tonight, and he fully expected to get laid before the night was over. But first, he had to deliver this bundle of papers from one of the drill sergeants to his friend.

The incident of last Friday night had never gotten out to the general population, both SOLDIERs having bribed their Turk bedmate into silence about it. Zack, as per his personal policy, was planning on reaffirming his masculinity by screwing the poor secretary's brains out later.

From his plan had sprung an idea. If he could get his drunken night of homosexual activities out of his head by banging some random woman, why couldn't Sephiroth do the same? There were at least fifty women in the office levels alone who would put out for the handsome General, and Holy-only-knew-how-many more in the rest of Midgar. It would be so damn _easy _to set him up with a date.

Zack reached his friend's door and banged one fist against it, leaning against the wall beside the door to wait for the deep, clear command of "Enter."

There was no acknowledgement whatsoever. And Zack knew he must have heard his knock; he made a point of practically denting the door every time he came by.

"Hey Seph?" He pounded the metal again. "Open up. I've got some papers for you."

The reply was strangely muffled. "Give them to me later."

Zack furrowed his brow. "Huh?"

"I'm a little busy right now. Come back later."

_What the hell is there to keep him busy that he _wouldn't _want to get out of with a visit from Yours Truly? He hates paperwork! Has he taken up golf and is busy perfecting his putt, perhaps? _

He shook his head; the idea of Sephiroth playing golf, complete with tacky plaid pants and pompom hat, was a strange one indeed. "This stuff's important, Seph! It's about the incoming recruits!"

"Go away!"

"I'm coming in." Zack slid the door open, surprised to see that his superior was nowhere in sight. "Seph? Where the hell are you?"

Sephiroth's head popped up from behind his desk. He looked extremely annoyed, as well as a little flushed. "Zackary! Get out of here! Now!"

Confused as to why Sephiroth would be under his desk but knowing better than to question his motivations, Zack shrugged and dropped the papers on the black leather couch by the door. "See ya later, Seph. Come talk to me, ok? I may be able to set you up with a lady tonight."

The General waited until the door slid shut, then returned his attention to the beautiful, half-clad woman he was currently straddling. "You are so lucky he didn't come any closer. Hell hath no fury like a SOLDIER First Class cheated."

She smiled sexily, then reached up and yanked him back down atop her. "I'll get cleaned up before our date tonight. Besides, if he'd do bad things to me for refusing him, imagine what _you_, his General, would do if I turned _you_ down."

"Finally! A woman who understands me!" Sephiroth mock-crowed as he began to kiss her again. She fisted her hands in his silver curtain of hair and linked her legs behind his back.

"Shut up and screw me already."


	5. Unconquerable Enemy

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

Unconquerable Enemy

It was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to him. An unconquerable enemy, something he would be forced to either destroy or to which admit defeat and suffer the consequences.

He stood before his bathroom mirror wearing nothing but his leather pants, hands on hips as he stared at his implacable foe with a grim expression.

His hair was in the worst rat's nest he had _ever_ seen.

It resembled a giant ball of string, an afro of silver with strands sticking every which-way with no rhyme or reason, just pure chaos. And he was due to a meeting with the Shinra bigwigs in less than an hour, so he had to fix this _immediately_.

Snarling an imprecation, he grabbed a comb and some detangler, attempting to remove the knots in as quick a manner as possible without sacrificing his precious mane to the tender, loving care of a pair of scissors. There was _no way_ he would submit to the barber on the next floor down; he despised haircuts.

_How the hell did it get like this, anyway? _he wondered, biting back a curse as the comb hit yet another snarl. _I brushed it out after my shower last night!_

After about forty-five minutes of wrestling with his hair, he realized that there was no way he was going to be able to sort it out before the meeting.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"And so we come to Item 546 on the agenda," Reeve read as the door opened and a very subdued Sephiroth snuck into the board room. "The people in Sector 6 have been having problems with… Um…With…"

Everyone was staring at the General.

"General Sephiroth," President Shinra said. "Would you mind telling us why you are wearing that…thing?"

Sephiroth pulled at the edge of the scarf he had pinned over his hair, a hideously multi-colored length of cotton that he had borrowed off one of the maids. "I need not explain myself to you, Mr. President. Suffice it to say that I had need of it and it will be removed tomorrow."

"What need would that be, General?" Scarlet asked, a malicious smile spreading her fire-red lips.

He sunk lower in his seat and mumbled something, staring fixedly at the marble table.

"What was that?" Heideggar asked. "Say it again."

"Imhavingabadhairday."

"We cannot understand you, General." Hojo looked smug indeed.

"I'M HAVING A BAD HAIR DAY, ALL RIGHT? A BAD HAIR DAY! NOW CAN WE PLEASE JUST DROP IT?!"

The meeting continued without a hitch.


	6. Terrified

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Believe it or not, some of these phobias Zack lists are completely real. You can look them up on the Net if you don't believe me! Yeah, I am not a big fan of needles either, so that's what Zack got. I don't know where I got the idea for Seph's fear. Probably from wondering why he keeps it so damn long. Don't get me wrong; it looks kickass. But one does have to wonder… And in case you were wondering, Mario is, indeed, supposed to be the Gaian equivalent of Italian.

Terrified

"Really, Zack. If you hate needles so much, why on Gaia did you ever join SOLDIER?" Sephiroth inquired, smirking as his second-in-command whined and moaned and carried on like a big baby as he received his weekly mako injection.

"Because I was hoping it would help me get over this damned phobia," the black-haired SOLDIER muttered sarcastically, jumping off the examination table and swatting irritably at the scientist in charge of his weekly physical as he tried to put some cotton and medical tape over the injection site. The light hit sent the skinny man reeling, dazing him for a moment. "Anyway Seph, I get through it every week, don't I? I just hate needles. That's it."

"Uh-huh." Sephiroth collected his long coat and slid it back on, ignoring the unbearably itchy sensation of the fresh mako coursing through his veins. The other side effects – increased glow to the eyes, hypersensitivity of the senses, auditory and visual hallucinations, and a woody that just would not go away – would arrive soon enough before their inevitable departure following a good night's sleep (and possibly the use of a willing female to take the edge off that last side effect). "And I'll just pretend I didn't see those twenty scientists and sixteen recruits forced to hold you down the first time you got a mako injection."

"So I have a fear of needles! Big deal! It's not like it's a weird phobia; lots of people have it!" Zack glared at his superior with sullen violet eyes, walking beside him down the sterile white hallway to the elevators. "Anyway, that begs a question: what are _you _afraid of?"

"Me?" The silver-haired man snorted, pushing the Up button. "I fear nothing."

"Aw, c'mon Seph! There's gotta be something you don't like! Something that makes your skin absolutely crawl with terror and revulsion!" Zack thought for a moment. "Scarlet?"

"No. I just do not like the way she displays her body for the visual stimulation of every single person in the building, and I pity the poor man who harbors secret feelings for her."

"Palmer?"

"No. And let's not bring up that incident with the overactive diaphragm, shall we?"

"Hojo!"

"I despise, loathe, and hate him. That does not mean I fear him."

"Spiders?"

"No."

"Mice?"

"No."

"Fire? The moon? Computers? Bald dudes? Bearded dudes? Cats? Snakes? Clocks?"

"I like fire. The moon is far preferable to the sun. I use a computer on a daily basis. Why would I be afraid of bald and/or bearded men? I happen to like cats and snakes. And who in the world is afraid of _clocks_, of all things?"

"Then what about…"

"Zackary, I have told you. There is nothing that I fear. And our ride is here," the General said, stepping through the doors into the elevator.

But Zack persisted, even as the doors slid shut behind him – effectively blocking his escape in the event that Sephiroth became _too _annoyed with his friend. "Then what about bees? Rampaging chocobos? The Turks screaming for your blood? High places? Speaking in public? Darkness? Midgar Zolom? Cactuars…?"

He continued on for the entire elevator ride, saying whatever came to mind. Sephiroth merely folded his arms and refused to comment on his increasingly moronic ideas, waiting for the elevator doors to slide open so he could escape the black-haired nuisance.

"Diamond rings? Dildos? Naked Reno? Naked Heideggar? Trees? Birds? Carnivorous plants?"

The elevator finally stopped and the doors opened, allowing Sephiroth to leave the glass confines. Unfortunately, his second-in-command trailed after him.

"Leaky pipes? Overflowing toilets? Germs? Hyperactive ninjas? Young teenage girls on a sugar-high? _C'mon_, Seph! What is it? Tell me!" he whined.

"Zackary, I told you: I. Am. Not. Afraid. Of. _Anything. _Do I have to spell it out for you?" He glanced curiously at the younger man. "And where on Gaia did you come up with 'hyperactive ninjas?'"

Zack shrugged. "Dunno. Just came to mind."

"Hey! It-sa Zack!" A rotund man in a white apron came around the corner, smiling widely beneath his extravagant black mustache.

"Mario!" Zack beamed. "Where have you been?"

"Visiting-a me-a family back-a home-a in-a Kalm! Where have-a you been-a? You have-a an appointment with-a me-a in about-a fif-a-teen minutes!" he declared, brandishing a pair of scissors at the taller SOLDIER. "You're-a due for-a trim!"

"Yeah, I know, Mario. Just slipped my mind." He turned to Sephiroth. "Seph, this is Mario, the barber. He's the one that showed me how to spike my hair like this. Wanna come with me? I'm sure you've got a few split ends to take care of!"

Sephiroth was paler than usual, staring wide-eyed at the scissors in the rotund man's hand.

"Seph?" Zack asked cautiously. There, in his eyes... Was that…

"IdontneedahaircutSTAYAWAY!" the General screamed, hugging his hair while running towards the safety of his office. The door slammed shut behind him, leaving Zack and Mario standing in the exact same spot, staring at the door with wide-eyed shock. Finally, the SOLDIER burst out laughing.

"So _that's _what he's afraid of! Haircuts! Seph is afraid of _haircuts!_"


	7. A Friend for Dark Nation

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

A Friend for Dark Nation

"What the hell is that?!" Zack yelped, stopping in his tracks and putting a hand to his suddenly-pounding heart. His violet eyes were locked on the striped beast lounging in the middle of the General's floor.

"I see you've met Masai," Sephiroth said, looking up from his neverending paperwork with a smirk. "Masai, this is Zack. Feel free to greet him."

Before Zack could move, he was suddenly sprawled on the floor with the beast atop him, licking at his face with a rough, sandpapery tongue. It was purring contentedly while it attempted to scrape his face off.

"Seph! Little help here?" he gasped, twisting his head so the tongue was unable to get at his lips again. French-kissing an animal was _not _a Zack-endorsed activity.

"I don't think so. It appears that Masai likes you."

"Seph, it's not exactly comfortable having a five hundred pound white tiger lying on top of you. Get him off me!" he yelled, pushing futilely at the mass of black and white fur.

"Fine, Zack. Fine. Masai, come!" The tiger got off his pillow and went to his master, rubbing his head against Sephiroth's hand and purring loudly as he scratched his ear. Zack sat up and pulled himself over to the couch, heaving himself onto it with a pained groan.

"Oww... My ribs..." He glanced at his superior tiredly. "Where did 'Masai' come from, anyway?"

"Rufus gave him to me. It seems that Dark Nation needed a friend, so he rescued Masai from Hojo's labs and gave him to me. I guess Daddy-kins didn't want another deadly, genetically-altered predator hanging around the house." Sephiroth gave the tiger another friendly pat and swatted him on the rear. "Go lay down."

"He's from the labs?" Zack groaned in anguish. "So what can he do? I've seen what Dark Nation is capable of."

"Well..." Sephiroth smiled as the tiger suddenly vanished from his position on the floor. "That's part of it."

Zack sighed. "So he can go invisible? What else is there?" He nearly jumped off the couch as he was suddenly faced with the tiger's wide yellow eyes. Masai opened his mouth, and suddenly Zack was engulfed in flames.

"That's his other talent," the General murmured, snapping his fingers to make Masai stop breathing on his blackened second-in-command. "Useful for chasing both Reno and Hojo out of my sight, and the disposal of meaningless papers. Also for toasting weenies, both the edible variety and the spineless cadet-types."

"So I see," Zack muttered, coughing out a small cloud of black smoke.


	8. Seventeen Hours STRAIGHT?

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Seph's gonna kill me for this one... But really, why hasn't anybody thought of this bit before? One would think it would be oh-so-obvious! And yes, I got the key-card-pick trick from Resident Evil. I figure that sneaky Zack picked it up from sneaking back into the apartment levels with Reno after getting locked out during a night of boozing. Free access to Sephiroth's apartment! WOOT!!! No, not that kind of access! I don't buy the whole Seph/Zack pairing at all.

Seventeen Hours STRAIGHT?????

"Have you gone by Sephiroth's apartment lately? The noise is unbelievable!"

"Whoever's in there with him must be making him _reeeeaaaal_ happy."

"How long has he been in there? I passed by this morning on my way to the gym and he was still going at it!"

"It's 8 now. I heard him start up after I got back from the bar last night, so... Holy shit! Seventeen hours straight!"

"Fuck! And I thought _I _had stamina!"

"I don't know who to feel more envious of: him or the girl!"

"Feel sorry for the girl. She's not going to be able to walk for awhile, methinks."

Zack passed the gossiping Second Classes with an eyeroll. It was true that he hadn't seen Sephiroth all day, which was extremely out-of-character for him. Even when he was wasn't feeling well, the General always showed up at his office. He had _never _used a sick day in his entire career. Not once!

And now he had missed a full day of work, including at least two separate meetings. This was beyond bizzare, especially for Sephiroth.

Upon reaching the apartment his friend occupied, Zack came to understand why the Second Classes had been snickering. It sounded like a full-blown orgy was going on behind the metal door.

Thing was, the only voice he was picking up was that of his missing commander.

_Guess if there Is a girl in there, she's gotta be half-dead by now,_ Zack thought, producing A thin metal rod and poking it into the card-key reader. Applying pressure to certain spots inside the slide resulted in the door to Sephiroth's apartment hissing open, and the noise increased slightly as he stepped inside, closing the door behind him.

_Now... Where would you find a moaning, groaning General? _he mused, looking around the immaculate furnishings of the quarters. He had been inside his friend's apartment before, so he knew the layout fairly well. _Bedroom first. If he isn't there, he's way kinkier than I would have ever guessed. _

The bedroom was empty. In fact, it didn't look as if Sephiroth had set foot in the gothic-style room at all last night. Everything looked as if it had been carefully arranged, but not touched.

Besides, it sounded like the noise was coming from the bathroom anyway.

Cautiously, Zack approached the door and knocked on it, a little lighter than he normally would have. The noise continued unabated. "Seph?" He was answered by yet another ear-splitting groan. "Hey Seph, it's Zack. Can you come out of there for a moment?"

The noise ceased, at last. Now he could hear the shower running. _Sex in the shower? _

"Zack? What are you doing in my apartment?"

"Came to check on you. You missed work today, and I got worried."

Silence, save for the shower. "What time is it?"

"Nearly 8:30. How long have you been in there?"

"Far too long, Zack. Far too long." The shower shut off and was replaced by soft cussing. Zack thought he heard his superior say "Never again on a work day..." but he couldn't be sure. He took a step back as the door opened.

Sephiroth, a towel wrapped around his middle and dripping water from his hair, came out and sat on a chair to the side of his night-table. He looked up at his second-in-command from beneath the fallen, sodden mass of his bangs. "Seventeen hours? Why didn't you come get me?"

"I wasn't aware that you needed fetching." Zack peered into the bathroom, confused to see that there was no one else in there. "So where's the girl?"

Now Sephiroth looked confused. "What girl?"

"Well, you don't like boys. Ergo, it had to have been a girl making you scream like that. So where is she?"

Cat-green eyes stared at him for a moment, then closed as their owner leaned back in his chair and howled with laughter. And this wasn't Sephiroth's normal soft, deep chuckling. This was honest-to-Holy, full-bellied _laughter_. Zack's jaw dropped as he stared at his silver-haired friend; he had never, ever heard Sephiroth actually laugh. _Has he completely lost it?_

"Is that...what you...think?" the older man gasped between laughs. "That I had...a woman...in there...with me?"

"Isn't that what was making you yell?" the black-haired SOLDIER asked, totally confused. "If it was your hand, I would love to know what you know that I don't!"

"No, it wasn't anything sexual." Sephiroth finally quieted and sat back up, a mirthful twinkle still in his mako-green eyes. "Want to see what it was?"

"Damn right I do!"

Sephiroth got up and disappeared into the bathroom, returning a moment later with two bottles in his hands. He offered them to Zack. "These are what was making me 'yell,' as you put it."

Zack took the bottles gingerly, almost afraid of what they could possibly be. Then he turned them over in his hands...

And just stared, jaw flat on the floor.

"Christine on the 49th floor introduced me to it. Supposed to be the best there is for your hair." He grinned, crossing his arms over his muscular, water-slicked chest. "What she failed to mention is that it is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most pleasureable experience I have ever had."

Zack was still staring at the bottles.

"Herbal... Essences..." he muttered dazedly.

"That's their name," Sephiroth confirmed.

"You spent the entire night and day in here...just using shampoo and conditioner..."

"Yes."

Zack turned to leave, taking the bottles with him.

"Where are you taking those?" the general inquired, arching one silver brow.

"First of all, I'm confiscating these. Never letting you near the shampoo aisle ever again. Second of all..." He flashed a grin over his shoulder as the door to the apartment slid shut behind him.

"I wanna try 'em out for myself."


	9. stargazing

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Less humorous, more fluffy than any of the previous chapters. No, it's not romantic fluff. Just feel-good friendship fluff. A little tragic, considering what the future holds for both of them. Just to let you know, _Voyeur _is a pornographic magazine I came up with in one of my other fics, "The End of My Life as I Know It." And yes, I really can see Seph doing this. I know Midgar is probably too murky for this, but the scene just wouldn't work anywhere else. Yeah, I confess! I've taken some creative liberties with the Shinra building. Clap me in irons if you have a problem with it.

Stargazing

Zack stretched and got up from his chair, glancing at the clock on the wall. 9:00. Time to go back to his apartment and break out the porn. Sneering at the unfinished paperwork littering his desk, he left the office and went down the hall. _Wonder what Seph's doing? Maybe I can convince him to go out to a bar with me. _Voyeur_ is getting a little old. _

The General didn't reply to his knock, and Zack knew for a fact that the older man never retired to his apartment before 9:30 on Fridays. Curious, he picked the cardkey slider and went into the office. Sephiroth was obviously not there, but he did find a note on the desk.

_Gone up to the roof. _

_ -S. _

"Gone up to the roof?" Zack muttered, looking at the ceiling. "Why the hell's he on the roof?"

The only way up to the roof was via the President's office/floor, and there was no way Zack wanted to see that fat old bastard. He'd probably slap him with sewer patrol just out of spite. _So how do I get up to the roof?_ he wondered.

Then he spotted the open window.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

_Stupid idea, Zack. Really stupid idea_.

At the moment, Zack was fifty-some stories off the ground, clinging to the side of the Shinra building as he climbed from window-sill to window-sill. He wasn't afraid of heights, but it was still a looooonnnnggg way down. _You could have snuck through the President's office. There's no guarantee he would have seen you. But like a dumbass, you had to take the window. Real smart of you, First Class. Real smart. _

There was only one window separating him from the edge of the roof. _Just a little more..._

His foot slipped. _Oh shit!_

Just as he started to yell, a hand reached out and caught his wrist, effectively stopping his plummet before it even began. Dangling about sixty stories above the ground, he looked up at his savior and grinned weakly. Sephiroth shook his head as he effortlessly pulled him up and over the edge, dumping him safely on the roof.

"Thanks Seph," the younger SOLDIER said, willing his racing heart to slow down.

"Why didn't you just take the fire escape?" the General inquired dryly, pointing to the metal stairs on the other side of the roof. "It's easier than scaling the side of the building."

"I didn't even know we _had_ a fire escape." He got to his feet and watched Sephiroth go lay down on a blanket spread a few feet away from the helicopter pad. "So... What are you doing up here, anyway?"

"This is the highest point in Midgar, even taller than the mako reactors. It's above most of the smog and pollution. Perfect place to watch the stars."

"You stargaze?" Zack asked, arching one brow. He had no idea the General liked the stars.

"Of course I do." He rolled his head to look at the black-haired man. "Want to join me?"

Zack shrugged and lay down beside Sephiroth, copying the older man's position. Arms behind the head, eyes directly at the sky. "You're full of surprises, Seph."

"It gives me a chance to think, some peace away from my hectic schedule." He laughed quietly. "I think that was my first memory, Professor Gast taking me up onto the roof to show me the stars. Hojo nearly blew a gasket when he found out, but I didn't care. Gast was always kind to me. I wonder what happened to him."

Zack rolled his head to look at his friend, listening. It was extremely rare to hear Sephiroth talk about his childhood. If he was willing to share some of it with him, then he wasn't going to interrupt him.

"I snuck up here whenever I got the opportunity. Through the air vents, until I got too big for them. Then I started using the fire escape. Everything changes, but the stars never do. It's kind of comforting, actually." He looked a little sad now. "Too bad you still can't see that many of them. The harsh lights of Midgar destroy the siren glow of the silver stars."

_Wow. I didn't know Seph was a poet. _"Someday, I'll take you to Gongaga with me. There isn't any light pollution there. You can see all of the stars, right down to the horizon."

Sephiroth looked at him, then back at the night sky. "I'd like that."

They were quiet for a while, just watching the stars. Then Sephiroth looked at Zack again.

"Someday, Zack. Someday, we'll get up there. See the stars in their own realm. Then we can see all of them, not just the ones visible from this planet."

_But the Space Program got scrapped. _"Yeah, Seph. Someday, we will."

Silence reigned as the hours ticked by the the two friends just lay there, eyes on the sky.


	10. misplaced

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

Misplaced

_Man, I didn't think that stupid Second Class could pull a flip-kick so well..._ Zack grumbled to himself. He rubbed at a newly-acquired sore spot on his stomach, where the man's foot had connected during their sparring match earlier. A hot shower sounded absolutely _heavenly _to him right now.

Then he almost ran into Sephiroth, coming around a blind corner. He sighed and closed his eyes, ready for the "You are so stupid!" speech.

Instead, gloved hands grabbed his shoulders. "Zack! Just the man I was looking for!"

_...Huh?_

"I need your help. Masai's missing, and Rufus is going to be taking him out with Dark Nation tonight. So it's essential that I find him ASAP. Help me find him, will you?"

"Uh... sure." _How the hell do you lose a 500 pound white _tiger_, for Shiva's sake?_ "Where did you last see him?"

"In my office. I left to go chew out Major Sanders, and when I got back, Masai was gone."

"And how long ago was that?"

"Two hours."

"Which means he could be anywhere by now." Zack heaved a sigh, and plodded down the hall. "C'mon. The sooner we start looking, the sooner we find him." _And the sooner I can get under that showerhead. _

They searched the floor Sephiroth's office was situated on, then peeked into the President's office/floor, somehow avoiding the old man's beady gaze. Finding no Masai, they moved on to the next floor down, then the next one.

Nobody had seen the white tiger.

They were checking the Turks' offices when Zack noticed how dejected his superior looked. "Seph, it's ok. For all you know, he may have gone back to your apartment and is just waiting for you to let him. He'll show up sooner or later."

"I know, I know. I'm just worried about him, that's all."

"He can take care of himself. Remember how he sent Scarlet running the other day?"

They shared a chuckle as the memory of the arrogant, scantily-clad blonde getting chased down the hall by the fire-breathing feline came to mind.

"I never thought she could scream so loud," Zack laughed.

"Masai came back after you left, as pleased as I've ever seen him. He even had a scrap of her skirt in his mouth." Sephiroth laughed, but quickly sombered. "I just wish I knew where he was. You know some of the faculty around here are fur collectors. And Masai's coat is as rare as they come."

"I know. C'mon. Maybe Tseng's seen him." They started walking towards the Turk leader's office, then heard an ear-splitting shriek emitting from Reno's office.

The SOLDIERs exchanged glances. "Reno," they said together, already making tracks for the redhead's office.

Busting the door down resulted in a curious sight indeed. Masai was sitting in the middle of the wooden desk, tail curled politely around him. Reno was dangling from the tiger's jaws, the seat of his pants clamped tightly between sharp teeth. He had crossed his arms over his chest and was looking extremely annoyed. Vivid green eyes glared at the men as they stared.

"Sephiroth, would you mind telling your cat to let me go?" he demanded.

The General was already laughing, as was Zack. "How on Gaia..."

"He snuck in here while I was eatin' my dinner, yo! One minute I'm enjoying this killer burger, the next all of my fries have disappeared and there's a tiger lickin' his chops in front of my desk! When I started complainin', he got on my desk and..." Reno flailed his arms helplessly. "This happened. Get him off me already!"

"Masai, drop it." The tiger opened his jaws, sending Reno to the floor with an audible _thump. _The Turk started to get up, then curled up and yelped in surprise as a white, stripey form suddenly soared above his head, whacking him with its tail as it went. Zack struggled to hide his mirth as Masai sat down in front of his master, purring when Sephiroth scratched him behind his ears. "Good boy."

"Put a leash or somethin' on that thing," Reno grumbled, rubbing at the back of his head. "Nearly gave me a heart attack, yo!"

"Neither leash nor collar shall ever touch Masai's neck, Reno. However, I shall attempt to keep him out of your office from now on. I fear the surroundings have adversely affected him," Sephiroth said, turning to leave. "Come, Masai. You have a playdate with Dark Nation tonight."

Zack watched the pair go, then helped Reno to his feet. "Could've been worse."

"Whatcha mean? I don't see how it could've been worse, yo."

"Masai could've left you a present on the carpet. He did that to Heideggar last week."

Reno looked a little sick. "Yeah, I remember. Who do you think he made clean it up?"


	11. This is a First

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Another throw-in from one of my other fics. Ephemeral is an Evanescence-like band Sephiroth really likes in "I Knew Him Before." Basically think of a cross between Evanescence and Within Temptation, and you've got Ephemeral. Poor guy's never going to get to see one of their concerts, is he? Maybe I'll let him in a later chapter. He deserves to get out every once in a while, methinks. Club Black is supposed to be like one of those nightclubs with the black lights and lasers and stuff. I may write a part 2 to this chapter. Let me know what you all think, 'kay?

This Is a First

"Hey Seph! Ephemeral's playing at Club Black tonight, and I've got us tickets! Let's go!" Zack banged impatiently on the door to Sephiroth's apartment. "Seph?"

No answer.

_No noise, so I know he didn't get into the Herbal Essences again. _"Seph, they're your favorite band! C'mon!"

Still only silence.

"Seph? I'm coming in." A quick press of his handy-dandy metal stick, and the door slid open. Zack stepped inside, curious to note that none of the lights were on, save a single dim shine in the bedroom. He approached the room. "Seph?"

This time he got a muted groan.

_That doesn't sound like Seph... _The door swung open at his touch, and he took a step back, shocked. _Oh man... This has to be a first!_

Sephiroth was laying on his side on the edge of the bed, looking even paler than usual. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he looked utterly miserable.

He looked...

_Sick_.

"Seph? What's wrong?" he asked, leaning against the wall and watching his friend with concerned purple eyes.

"Feels like my stomach's about to burst," the older man mumbled.

"Think you're gonna be sick?"

"I don't know. I've never been sick before."

"Not once?" Zack asked, incredulous.

Sephiroth shook his head slightly.

_Wow. That's impressive._ "So I guess seeing Ephemeral is out of the question," he sighed. He set the tickets down on the night-table and settled down in a chair in the corner. "Guess we'll be here for awhile, then."

Weary green eyes searched him questioningly. "You're staying?"

"You'll need the moral support, if you've got what I think you've got. You're in for a long night." Zack snagged a book off one of the shelves, idly flipping through it. Sephiroth groaned and curled up tighter, closing his eyes and shivering.

It didn't take long before those eyes flew open and their owner sprang off the bed, racing for the bathroom and sliding to a stop in front of the toilet. Zack sighed as the sound of retching and nameless stomach contents hitting the water in the bowl drifted from the open door. He put his book aside and went to the bathroom, kneeling beside his friend and pulling his hair back while Sephiroth gripped the toilet, still heaving into the basin. He kept his hair out of the way until he finished emptying his stomach, then helped him up and led him back to the bed. Sephiroth didn't protest as he pushed him onto the sheets and pulled the blankets up over him, grabbing the waistbasket from its corner and placing it beside the bed, easily accesible from the pillow.

"Why?" he mumbled, eyes following his second-in-command as he flushed the toilet. Zack went and grabbed a bowl from the kitchen, filling it with water and dipping a rag in it. This was folded and laid against Sephiroth's forehead.

"Because you're my friend, and you've never had the stomach-flu before. It's no fun." He sat back in the chair and picked his book up. "I'm gonna stay here with you until the worst is over, okay?"

"Mmph."

"I'll take that as a yes."


	12. Addiction

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Heheheheh... Try to guess who's who of the criminal line-up!

Addiction

"Hey Zack, have you been swipin' coffee from our pot again?" Reno asked, poking his head into the SOLDIER's office.

Zack looked up from his stacks of paperwork - why the hell does the military insist on doing _everything_ in triplicate? - and gestured to his bottle of vanilla frappacino. "Why would I need your crappy espresso? I've got this."

"Well, somebody drank all the coffee in the Turk lounge and didn't make a fresh pot. Tseng, Rude 'n' me are pretty pissed about it. And there ain't many people who can access our lounge, so we've only got about seven people to check out."

"Only seven? Who are they?" he asked.

Well, let's see. There's you, Sephiroth, the Red Bitch, Horse-laugh, Fat Bald Bastard, Baby Blonde, and Mr. Urban Development," Reno named, ticking off his fingers.

"What? No Creepy Mad Scientist?" Zack asked sarcastically, signing his name on one of the papers with a flourish.

"Nope. He doesn't drink coffee. So bad for his delicate digestive system, you know." Reno made a face. "He drinks that lousy excuse for an energy drink he created a while back. You know, the weird purple glowy one?"

"Ugh. Don't remind me." Zack looked up at the redhead. "Well, you know I didn't drink it. So why don't you go ask the Red Bitch?"

"Hell no! Rude's got her; she tries to molest me every time I go near her." He shuddered. "I know I like women, but I've got my limits, yo! Who knows where those hands have been?"

"True... So go ask Seph."

"By myself? Are you crazy? He'd have himself a Reno-kabab in under a minute, yo."

Zack snickered, then got up from his desk. _It'll get me out of paperwork at least. _"All right, Reno. I'll come with you, ok?"

"Really? Thanks, yo!" The redhead brightened as he got up and left the office, heading towards the General's office.

They didn't get very far before Reeve raced down the hall, nearly bowling over the two younger men. Zack caught him and steadied him. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the rush?"

"Sephiroth! He's completely lost it!" Reeve explained, panting. "I don't know what happened to him, but it's worse than that time he had the cough syrup! He's practically bouncing off the walls!"

_...Shit._

"You said it was espresso in the pot, Reno?" Zack asked, suddenly feeling very tired.

"Laced with Irish Cream. I made the pot today, yo."

"Which explains why he took the whole pot. You _know_ Seph has an addiction to Irish Cream!" he berated, grabbing the Turk's hand and dragging him down the hall at a run.

"Actually, no I didn't, yo."

"Well, you do now."


	13. Curse of the Living

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

Curse of the Living

_Stupid espresso... Stupid, evil espresso... _

Sephiroth now regretted his earlier decision to drink the entire pot of coffee in the Turk lounge. Sure, it had been spiked with his favorite alcoholic additive, but it had still been a moronic decision.

And he was feeling the consequences of that decision now.

_Maybe some television will help, _he thought, getting up and heading for the living room. A few rounds of channel-surfing later, he was still under its effects.

_Warm milk? _

One glass of microwaved milk later, no changes.

He slammed the glass into the sink and retired to his room, grabbing a book off the shelf and lowering himself onto the silk sheets. The title of the book was _Theories on Mako Usage as Seen by a Quantum Physicist. _It was his last-ditch effort, the one remedy that had never failed him before.

_If this doesn't work, I don't know what will. _He tried to relax and opened his least-favorite book.

Fifty-seven mind-numbing pages later, he was bored out of his skull and not much else. The clock now read 3:57 am.

Sephiroth threw the book aside and rolled over, punching the pillows angrily. "This has got to be the ultimate curse of the living," he growled, collapsing against the abused pillows bonelessly.

He _hated_ insomnia.


	14. First Love

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **This particular drabble does not mesh with my Seph/OC fic, "I Knew Him Before." Completely different timeline. Just, ya know, clarifying. And this chapter shows how I think he may have gotten Masamune. I mean, it's odd to picture him using a buster sword, isn't it? No, this is not meant to be a funny one. There has to have been something like this in his past. The way he acts, I wouldn't be surprised if there was. Yes, I am fully aware that bodies fade when their occupants die. But I'm taking creative liberties in this chapter. Don't like it? Sue me.

First Love

Sephiroth rolled to the side of the bed and sat on the edge, resting his elbows on his knees and putting his head in his hands. Not a glance was given to the two women sleeping in the middle of the enormous bed, exhausted from their exertions a few hours ago.

This wasn't his room. It was a hotel room one of the two women had rented for her stay in Midgar. Her friend's room was next-door, but obviously she had not seen fit to sleep in it the previous night.

And really, why would they? The great General Sephiroth had deigned to accompany them back to their hotel for a night of stringless debauchery; they would have not only a night of amazing sex with an extrordinarily handsome man, but the bragging rights that went along with the experience.

In a few hours they would awaken, and he would be gone. It was only sex. Nothing more than that.

It had always been since...

_Her_.

He looked out the window and allowed memories to wash over him.

Her name had been Tareyna Anderson, and she had been a fellow recruit when he had first joined SOLDIER. Their commanding officer had made them sparring partners, and at first her friendly, mischeivious personality had made him extremely uncomfortable. None of the scientists and guards he had ever come into contact with had been like that, after all; she was a completely new experience for him. The first time he had ever met her, she had ruffled his hair and told him that the silver hue made him look like an old man.

He had hated her at first, but over time had come to like her, even looking forward to her company every day. She had never given him a moment's peace when they were training, and always sat with him in the mess hall. A few times Tareyna had even dropped by his assigned quarters, asking him if he wanted to go out with her and some of the other recruits. He had always refused, but she was always back the next week, asking if he wanted to go out drinking or dancing or whatever with them.

She had come to haunt his dreams, with her ever-ready smile and laughing blue eyes. He had often imagined what her short red hair would feel like, sliding through his fingers while he kissed her, or wondered about the texture of her tanned skin.

There was one cherished memory he had of her. It was the night she had come to his tiny room dressed in civilian's garb, some sort of short skirt and halter-top, asking if he wanted to go out clubbing with her and some of her friends. He could vividly recall the hesitance in her eyes, remembered knowing that she was expecting him to turn her down as usual.

Those eyes had brightened considerably when he had replied that he would like that, but only if it was just her and him.

Yes, they had been involved in a relationship. It was odd to think about it now, but she had been the decision-maker, always deciding where they were going and what they would be doing. Perhaps it wasn't so odd, given his limited contact with assertive people at that point in his life, but he had willingly followed her lead.

She had been the one to initiate the next stage of their relationship, yanking him into her room following one of their dates and pushing him down onto the bed. She was experienced where he was not, and had taught him all he had ever known about sex with understanding and gentle encouragement. It had been a wonderous experience, and one he would never forget, no matter how long he lived.

Their relationship had been a secret, of sorts. Few of the other cadets had known of it, and none of the SOLDIERs. Even after they both passed their entrance exams, neither was willing to let the cat out of the bag. It was not uncommon for Shinra's grunts to form some sort of relationship, but most would rather keep the details of their private lives hidden from the other SOLDIERs and cadets. Tareyna, in fact, had been the one to swear him to secrecy. "If our CO was to find out you were banging me, he would put one of us in another squad real quick," she had said. "Wouldn't want me to get knocked up and lose one of his best grunts."

So their relationship had stayed under wraps, growing stronger with each passing day.

Sephiroth sighed and pushed his hair back from his face, still staring out the window. Had he loved her? It felt like he had at the time. But then again, she had been his first girlfriend. His first contact with a member of the opposite sex outside of the labs. According to psychology, didn't that mean he would have thought he loved her anyway?

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

Tareyna had meant so much to him back then, and he to her. Who knows what might have happened if the Wutaian War hadn't come about?

The very first real pitched battle with Godo's troops... A memory he hated as much as any of his childhood recollections. It killed him still, to remember her laying in the mud, a gaping slash cutting diagonally across her abdomen, her beautiful eyes so wide with terror and pain. He could still remember how quiet the battlefield had suddenly seemed, as he had knelt beside her, her hand clasped so tightly around his. She had begged him to stay with her, to not leave her. Tareyna had been terrified of dying alone, so far from home.

His fists clenched, and he bowed his head, eyes shut with self-loathing. If only he had saved her! If only he hadn't used his potion on himself! He hadn't needed it; he could have survived that wound without magical aid!

But there was no way to change the past. Both of their potions were gone by the time that moment had arrived, when a single Wutaian swordsman had sliced into her torso.

He had killed that swordsman. But it had been too late.

Tareyna had died less than a minute after he had taken her hand.

He had avenged her death a hundred times over that day, a maelstrom of blood and terrified screams following him wherever he roamed. His blade had become so slippery with the blood of his enemies that he had lost his grip on the hilt, the thick-bladed sword flying out of his hands after the swift decapitation of one of the enemy captains. Without even breaking his stride, he had snatched the ridiculously-long katana out of the fallen man's hands and continued on his rampage through the Wutaian ranks, wanting nothing less than to kill all of them. Every single last one.

He had only stopped when the red rage had lifted from his vision and he had realized that he was the only person still on that side of the battlefield; the enemy was in full retreat and the rest of the SOLDIERs had been staring at him, their gazes ranging from deepest admiration to sheer horror.

All that carnage had won the day for Shinra.

But it hadn't been enough to bring Tareyna back.

He heaved a sigh, remembering how he had snuck back out to the battlefield after the moon had risen and the sun had set, recovering her body and burying her with his own two hands. Her own sword had served as a marker, and still did to this day, on that bone-strewn battlefield. His monument to his first love.

Since that day, he hadn't been able to fill the void in his heart. He slept with a new woman every week, but it just wasn't enough. Nothing was ever enough.

He couldn't help thinking that his happiness had died with her that day.

The bed shifted, and suddenly there were arms twining about his neck and waist. "Come back to bed, General. Dawn is a long ways away," a husky female voice enticed.

He closed his eyes before turning his attention back to the lovely creatures waiting for him.

One day, it would be more than just sex.

Maybe.

Or maybe not.


	15. Spam

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Who hasn't recieved at least two of these e-mails? There have been more than a few times when I've felt like Seph does here. And yes, the song in question is the Turks' theme song. Man, is that thing ever annoying! Hey, don't you think it's possible that each character has their theme song as their ring tone, and every time they appear, the phones go off? I certainly think it is!

Spam

"You have 15 new e-mails."

Sephiroth rolled his eyes at the scratchy, monotone voice of his computer and clicked his mailbox icon. "So what do we have today? Something other than useless junk mail for once? Or perhaps a wonderful e-mail from one of the drill sargents, telling me that I should come inspect their troops sometime in the near future?

"What's this? An offer for a Corellian bride? Beautiful beyond all measure? Be still, my beating heart."

_Deleted. _

"Natural male enhancement? Thanks, but no thanks. It's big enough already."

_Deleted. _

"'Old Man in Cosmo Canyon needs One Million Gil to Recieve Life-saving Surgery?' Oh wonderful! Another fantastic, believable chain letter! Shall I pass it on?"

_Deleted. _

"Free ringtones? And what would that, be, pray tell? That stupid three-note song the Turks have on their cells? I think I'll stick with my own ringtone, thank you very much."

_Deleted. _

"Free sex toys, eh? What on Gaia would I need those for?"

_Deleted. _

"'Check out Shinra Pornography Online!' Ummm... No thanks. I have enough nightmares as it is."

_Deleted._

"Free concert tickets to see The Rocketts. Now, if it was Ephemeral, I'd be interested. But The Rocketts? You couldn't pay me to care. And I have to wonder: who convinced them it was cool to spell 'rocket' with two Ts?"

_Deleted. _

"Hmm... An e-mail from Reno inviting me out on a double date with him, the President's secretary Christine, and Felisha from the thirty-second floor. Well, this one requires some thought."

_Deleted. _

"Nothing but spam. As usual. Why doesn't my spam filter work? I just installed it last week!"

He picked up the cd case and read it again.

"Developed by Palmer. No wonder it's already useless."

The computer _bing!_ed as a new e-mail came in. Sephiroth scrolled up to look at it.

"'5 Days to Bigger Boobs with Program B?' Do I _look_ like a woman?"

_Deleted._

Another e-mail came in just as that one was deleted. "'General Sephiroth: You are overdue for your yearly haircut!'"

The computer _bing!_ed again as it was ripped from the desk and drop-kicked out the window.


	16. Torture

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

Torture

"Sephiroth?"

The silver-haired man rose from his seat with dignity and followed the young woman into the back, entering the appointed torture chamber and seating himself in the reclining chair with the enthusiasm of a condemned man.

"The doctor will be in to see you momentarily," she told him before skittering off, leaving him alone in the room. He tried to relax, forcing himself to remember that he had faced deadlier opponents with not a trace of fear; this was only a single man. A man with no combat training, at that! His life was in no danger from this doctor.

His nerve endings, however, were another story entirely.

A middle-aged man with sandy hair entered the room a few minutes later, a clipboard in his hands. His nametag, appropriately, read Dr. Paine.

"Well, Sephiroth. How are you today?" he asked, smiling.

The General did not answer. He would not fraternize with this fiend.

Dr. Paine shrugged and seated himself on the rotating stool beside the chair, clipping a paper bib around his patient's neck and putting on a surgical mask. Reaching for his instruments of agony, he looked at his victim with one arched brow, expectantly.

Sephiroth slowly, cautiously, opened his mouth.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Ninety minutes later, he had a mouth full of Novicane and a brand new filling. He also had stern orders to brush his teeth when he was out on campaign, something he would be hard-pressed to comply with. How did one keep their teeth clean while they were in the middle of a battlefield, for Ifrit's sake? Sheathe Masamune and call for a time-out so he could go brush his teeth?

Zack was waiting patiently in the car, reading some kind of magazine. He looked up as Sephiroth opened the door and slid into the passenger's seat, rubbing at his numb jaw. "So how was it? A regular barrel of laughs, I bet."

"It wah seea torta," Sephiroth retorted sulkily.

"What was that?" the younger man asked, cupping his ear playfully. "I didn't understand that."

"Torta! Painfoo!"

Zack laughed at his superior's inability to speak proper English. "I told you this would happen if you kept skipping your dental appointments, Seph. Can't say I didn't warn you!"

Sephiroth crossed his arms and slid down in his seat, hunching his shoulders like an offended child. "Sha up an dwive."


	17. Caught!

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Sadly, I also don't own "Pour Some Sugar on Me." That song goes to Def Leppard.

**Queen's Quornor: **In case of potential confusion, it doesn't count as thinking if there are quotation marks around it. If it has quote marks around it, he's singing. Ohhh, he's going to murder me for this one...

Caught!

_"Step inside, walk this way. You and me babe. Hey, hey!" _

Sephiroth glanced quickly at the door to his office. The door was firmly shut. Smiling, he reached down and upped the volume on the MP3 player in his pocket, readjusting the headphones he wore.

_"Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on! Livin' like a lover with a radar phone! Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp. Demolition woman, can I be your man?"_

He started to tap his foot in time with the beat of the music, nodding his head a moment later.

_"Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light. Television lover, baby, go all night! Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet. Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah!" _

His fingers started to twitch.

_"Hey! C'mon, take a bottle, shake it up! Break the bubble, break it up!"_

Yes, the door to his office was, indeed, shut. Time to take a break from all the effin' paperwork. He leapt out of the seat and grabbed his air guitar, jamming along with the song.

_"Pour some sugar on me! Ooh, in the name of love. Pour some sugar on me! C'mon fire me up. Pour your sugar on me! Oh, I can't get enough." _

He didn't even notice that he was singing at the top of his lungs.

_"I'm hot, sticky sweet! From my head to my feet, yeah!" _

He executed a perfect spin, still furiously playing a rift on his air guitar.

_"Listen! Red light, yellow light, green-a-light go! Crazy little woman in a one man show! Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love! Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up!" _

Headphones blaring, he didn't hear the banging on the metal door.

_"You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little, tease a little more. Easy operator come a knockin' on my door! Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet. Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah! Give a little more!" _

The door slid open, and Zack paused outside the frame, alternatively shocked and amused by the sight within. Behind him, Reno covered his mouth to keep from laughing aloud.

_"Take a bottle, shake it up! Break the bubble, break it up!"_

Sephiroth leaned back nearly parallel to the floor, eyes closed, still playing his non-existent instrument and belting out the lyrics in a perfect imitation of the lead singer in question.

_"Pour some sugar on me! Ooh, in the name of love. Pour some sugar on me! C'mon fire me up. Pour your sugar on me! Oh, I can't get enough!" _

Scarlet pranced down the hall, attracted by the noise. Shushed by Zack, she watched the show with wicked amusement in her eyes.

_"I'm hot, sticky sweet! From my head to my feet, yeah!" _

The General leaned forward, his long hair flying to drape over his arms and the air guitar, furiously guiding the non-existent strings through the guitar solo.

_"You got the peaches, I got the cream. Sweet to taste, saccharine! 'Cos I'm hot, say what, sticky sweet! From my head, my head, to my feet!" _

Reeve was the next to join the growing throng, a smile growing across his face when Sephiroth spun again, eyes still tightly shut. By now, Reno was bent double with the effort of preventing his laughter, one hand wrapped tightly around his waist and the other fisted between his teeth, while Zack was holding onto the door-frame, sliding to his knees in the same attempt at not giving their presence away.

_"Do you take sugar? One lump or two?"_

Rufus was the next to arrive, one elegant brow arching as he witnessed General Sephiroth jamming in his office.

_"Pour some sugar on me! Ooh, in the name of love. Pour some sugar on me! C'mon fire me up. Pour your sugar on me! Oh, I can't get enough." _

Hojo sauntered up just in time to see his greatest achievement and former test (coughtorturecough) subject moving into the final part of the song. He dropped his clipboard as his eyes bugged out; luckily, the unwitting performer failed to pick up the clatter over his headphones.

_"Pour some sugar on me! Oh, in the name of love. Pour some sugar on me! Get it, come get it. Pour your sugar on me! Ooh!" _

Sephiroth, still unaware that he had an audience, slid across the carpet on his knees as he sang the last lyrics.

_"Pour some sugar on me! Yeah! Sugar me!"_

He held his pose for a long moment, basking in the imagined glory of the screaming multitudes...

Then his eyes popped open as the sound of _actual _applause filled his office.

Shocked, he spun around on his knees, finally noticing Zack, Reno, Scarlet, Reeve, Rufus, and Hojo crowding around the doorway. All but the latter were wildly clapping; the mad scientist was still standing there, jaw flat on the floor. Reno even went so far as to whistle between two of his fingers.

_I have got to start activating the lock on that door when I'm listening to music, _Sephiroth thought, fully aware that he was currently as red as the cafeteria's chocobo steaks. Up in a flash, he raced for the door and slammed it shut, leaning against it and sliding to the floor so he could mope.

"C'mon, Seph! Give us another performance! That was phenomenal!" Zack shouted through the metal, accompanied by encouraging cries from Reno, Reeve, and Scarlet.

"Go screw yourselves," he muttered irritably, hiding behind his hair. "Masai's getting trained as a watch-tiger tomorrow. Definately."


	18. Caught! Part 2

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Sadly, I also don't own "The Bad Touch." That honor goes to the Bloodhound Gang.

**Queen's Quornor: **I'm going to make this particular idea a 3-part sub-fic. So now it's Zack's turn, followed by Reno. Maybe if you ask nicely, I'll do some for the other people who were watching Seph's little 'performance!' For some reason, the concept of Hojo or Scarlet or Rufus singing is a highly amusing one. Reeve, I just can't see singing. Also, does anybody know if women were allowed in SOLDIER alongside the men?

Caught! Part 2

Sephiroth snuck quietly down the hallway, his eyes fastened upon the doorway of his second-in-command. He had received classified information from one of the Shinra office workers just moments before, and now he was acting upon it, video camera in hand.

Zack would pay for catching him yesterday. Reno would as well, but Zack was up first. Mostly because the General suspected that he had been the one to open the door.

Creeping up to the younger SOLDIER's door, ignoring the strange looks passerby gave him, he approached the door and quietly put his ear to the crack between door and wall.

"…come quicker than FedEx never reach an apex like Coca-Cola stock, you are inclined to make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time!"

Sephiroth snickered and pushed the door open just enough for him to get the lens of the video camera in, watching the antics of his second-in-command with glee. Like him, Zack had a pretty good singing voice and an unfortunate habit of wearing his MP3 player when he did his paperwork. Like him, Zack also found the piles of paperwork exceedingly boring. Like him, Zack tried to find _any _excuse to get out of doing his paperwork for a while when it got too mind-numbing.

And like him, Zack had also been known to start dancing and singing around his office in an attempt to take a break from signing his name so many damned times.

Just as he had suspected, the black-haired SOLDIER was dancing around his office hip-hop style, reciting the lyrics right along with the singer.

"Do it now! You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Do it again now! You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Gettin' horny now!"

Sephiroth had to suppress a snort of surprised amusement. _Did he really just grab his crotch? _

Zack was currently attempting to break-dance, and mostly succeeding, while belting out the next stanza.

"Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket. Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it. Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific: I wanna be down in your South Seas. But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means "Small Craft Advisory." So if I capsize on your thighs high tide, B-5, you sunk my battleship. Please turn me on I'm Mister Coffee with an automatic drip. So show me yours, I'll show you mine . "Tool Time" you'll Lovett just like Lyle. And then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch "X-Files"

_Thanks for obliging with that shirt-toss, Zackary,_ Sephiroth thought, zooming the camera lens in for a close-up of the handsome SOLDIER's ripped torso and zoned-out facial expression. Were it not for the headphones and the fact that he was singing, it actually looked like the expression someone would wear while someone was going down on them.

_Oh yes, Zack. This is perfect for my vengeance… Thank you for being so obliging._

Now wearing only his pants and boots, Zack was doing something resembling a strip-pole dance against one of the file cabinets. He still hadn't noticed his superior lurking in the partially-open door.

"Do it now! You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Do it again now! You and me baby…"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Zack honestly had to wonder if Hojo had slipped some kind of aphrodisiac into the air-conditioning system again. It was only midmorning, and he had already gotten propositioned by at least fifteen secretaries, slapped on his backside by Scarlet, six different SOLDIERs, and three daring scientists, and had catcalls whistled at him from all directions. It was like every member of Shinra was suddenly sexually attracted to him for no reason whatsoever, and that included the people he really despised. He had almost been physically ill when Palmer had winked at him and licked his lips.

One of the newer recruits had even turned to the side and raised the side of her top, claiming that it was itching her, to expose more than a little naked hip. _That _had made no sense; she wasn't even one of the cadets under his command!

_What's going on? _he wondered, entering the cafeteria.

A cacophony of laughter and lewd whistles greeted him, along with a familiar voice. He became as white as a ghost when he realized it was _his_ voice, broadcast over the speaker system and singing "The Bad Touch."

Almost in slow-motion, he looked up at the numerous television screens hanging from the ceiling around the cafeteria. Usually, the tvs would be turned to sports or the news or something, a different program on every screen. But not today. Today they were all showing a single thing.

Him.

Zack's jaw dropped as he watched himself grinding away at a file cabinet, shirtless, wearing his headphones and MP3 player. If it wasn't him, he would have been laughing right along with everyone else. But it _was_ him, and the cafeteria was _packed. _

They were all laughing at him. Every last one of them.

His eyes fell on the central table, where a single, black-clad arm was raised in the air. The gloved hand attached to the arm was holding a remote control. Zack's eyes narrowed. He knew that arm.

_Sephiroth_.

"SEPH!" he bellowed, racing for the guilty party. Somehow, he just _knew _that his friend was behind all this. The General flashed him a smile and threw the remote into the crowd of nameless Shinra employees before taking off across the tables, heading for the doors on the other side of the cafeteria. Zack jumped onto the nearest table and raced after him, food flying in every direction.

He was fast, but Sephiroth was faster. He was out the doors before Zack reached the halfway point, leaving him at the mercy of several hundred amused Shinra employees.

Of which half of them were extremely annoyed that he had ruined their lunches.

And were now rising out of their seats…

And rolling up their sleeves…

And getting ready to beat the living crap out of him.

_Shit. _

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Sephiroth leaned against the doors to the cafeteria, laughing as hard he ever had before. Poor Zack. He should have learned by now to never interrupt Shinra's lower-classed paper-pushers when they were out on lunch-break. They made some of Hojo's experiments look downright _tame_.

Still giggling every now and then, the silver-haired man wiped a tear from his eye. Reno was up next.


	19. Caught! Part 3

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Sadly, I also don't own "Soldier," which, incidentally, is an amazing song. Sole rights for that song belong to Destiny's Child.

**Queen's Quornor: **Sorry about this chapter. I'm back home now, so I don't have my own computer at the moment and have to make use of the family's. I got interrupted in the middle of doing this chapter, and kinda lost what I was planning on doing. Reno is so lucky. I almost had him doing Beyonce's "Naughty Girl" or Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back." There will be at least one more chapter for this subfic. Hmmm… I think Hojo is due for a little torture…

Caught! Part 3

_This'll be too easy, _Sephiroth thought to himself, guiding the robot prototype through the air vents leading to the Turk offices. This special remote-controlled camera was one of Scarlet's more brilliant ideas of late, but as it was only in the prototype stage there was no weapons attachment as of yet. However, the camera and audio recording equipment was already on the spindle-legged frame, and in perfect working order. Scarlet was too busy working on something larger and more destructive, some kind of ray gun, to have noticed the General swiping the robot from her work-space.

He was using this robot because sneaking into the Turk offices himself would have been too risky. He and Tseng were not exactly friends, nor was he close to Rude. Reno was the only Turk who ever made it a point to try and strike up a conversation with him. Sephiroth suspected this was due mostly in part to the fact that the redhead had a secret 'thing' for him, despite the many clandestine romances he was currently involved with among the secretaries. He had no allies among the Turks who would cover for him should he be caught.

Besides, they were loyal to each other, and would rat him out. Hence, the robot in the air ducts.

Sephiroth tilted the joystick in what seemed to be the proper direction, according to the blueprints he had spread out in front of him. It was Reno's dinner break, and from what he'd heard, the redhead normally had his stereo system booming while he was eating.

_"…boys that be in them lac's leanin.' Open their mouth their grill gleamin'."_

Readjusting the enormous earphones he wore, the silver-haired man grinned and had the robot follow the singing. Soon a vent came into view on the monitor he had plugged the robot's camera sensor into, and he stopped the robot at the edge, tilting its viewpoint to see if that was Reno's office, as the volume of the song suggested.

Sure enough, the redhead appeared through the metal slats, his Wutaian takeout spread across the top of his desk and partially finished. Reno was dancing hip-hop style in the middle of the floor, with a feminine twist. Even if Sephiroth was not (and never would be!) attracted to Reno, he had to admit that pulling off this dance when you were of the opposite gender was quite an accomplishment. The Turk was practically having vertical sex all by himself.

And as he was singing at a volume that dueled with the booming stereo for supremacy, Sephiroth had to bow his head in acknowledgement of the Turk's capable lungs. Nonetheless, that would not save him from the General's vengeance. Nodding his head in time with the pounding bass, Sephiroth adjusted the knobs on the recorder, making sure the robot was getting this on tape. Reno was, of course, oblivious.

_"They always be talkin that country slang, we like. They keep that beat that be in the back beatin.' Eyes be so low from there chief. I love how he keep my body screamin.' A rude boy that's good to me, with street credibility!"_ Reno spun and fell back onto his hands, beginning some kind of street dance. It resembled the break-dancing Zack had failed to accomplish the other day; Reno was obviously more skilled at flipping his body around in random directions and in strange motions than the SOLDIER was.

_"If his status ain't 'hood, I ain't checkin' for him. Betta be street if he lookin' at me. I need a soldier that ain't scared to stand up for me. Known to carry big things if you know what I mean. If his status ain't 'hood, I ain't checkin' for him. Betta be street if he looking at me. I need a soldier that ain't scared to stand up for me. Gotta know to get dough and he betta be street!"_

_I was not aware that Reno's voice was capable of that pitch_, Sephiroth mused, quirking an eyebrow at the screen. He zoomed the camera in slightly as Reno began The Worm backwards across the floor.

_"We like dem boys up top from the BK. Know how to flip that money three ways. Always ridin' big on the freeway, with that east coast slang that us country girls be like." _

"Hey Seph. Whatcha doin?'" Zack asked, wandering in the door and looking at his engrossed superior. The General cast him a look, then waved him over with a motion to be quiet. Curious, the black-haired man made his way across the floor and behind Sephiroth's desk, putting a hand on the back of his chair for balance as he leaned in to see what had ensnared his attention.

Reno, dancing in a combination between street-style and stripper-style, singing at the top of his lungs to a familiar song, the bass turned up so high it was causing the viewpoint to tremble slightly.

"I don't know if this is extremely entertaining or just plain bizarre. But he really is a good dancer," Zack muttered, watching the monitor. Sephiroth suspected his second-in-command was slightly jealous.

_"Betta be street if he lookin' at me. I need a soldier that ain't scared to stand up for me. Known to carry big things if you know what I mean."_

"This would make excellent blackmail, if I were so inclined to use it that way." Sephiroth raised one eyebrow as Reno ran his hands down his chest and stomach, swinging his hips from side to side sassily. "I think the various members of SOLDIER will appreciate this footage, and especially the choice of music."

"I think you would be right, Seph. I think you would be right."

_"I know some soldiers in here! Where they at, where they at? They wanna take care of me! Where they at? I know some soldiers in here! Where they at, where they at?  
Don't mind takin one for me! Where they at?" _

"In fact, I _know _you're right."

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Needless to say, Reno was receiving catcalls and propositions from various and assorted SOLDIERs for weeks after that. And the cd in question was swiftly cracked in half and thrown out the window. The redhead got himself addicted to death metal shortly thereafter.

Sephiroth and Zack suspected it was so he could never be caught singing ever again.


	20. Caught! Hojo's Night Job

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Sadly, I also don't own "Don't You Want Me Baby." The Human League owns that one. Listen to it; it's an amazing song!

**Queen's Quornor: **So now it's Hojo's turn. I imagine some of you will be hunting me down with flamethrowers for this atrocity, but hey, I can't explain where I get these ideas. For some reason, I just got a vision of the esteemed professor on a stripper pole.

Caught! Hojo's Night Job

Hojo sincerely despised this job.

But he needed the income. He had a new project going on the side, and as it was unfunded by Shinra, he had to come up with the money however he could. Which had led him to this odious, but well-paying, job.

_At least none of my collegues are here. They would not be caught dead in a place like this. _

"Hey Hinman! You're up!"

Hojo pulled the thong out of its uncomfortable placement, and pulled on his false chest. As he was not a female, the owner of the club had been obliged to present him with a sequin-covered bra with silicone-filled false breasts in it. With some special tape, the item looked almost natural. The professor also let his hair out of its customary ponytail and changed his glasses with a pair of hated green contacts.

The results were surveyed in the mirror.

He looked like a woman.

_Let's get this over with_, he growled mentally, stalking out to the wing behind the stage. The blonde female currently on the neon floor finished her routine and pranced off the stage, blowing him a kiss as she did so. Hojo shuddered in revulsion; he had never liked females. Lucrecia he had only slept with because he predicted a child created with her would be the perfect scientific subject. And he had been right.

For that matter, he had never liked males either. People just annoyed him.

His music started up, and he sexily strolled out onto the stage and took the pole, wrapping one leg around it and beginning his number.

_You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you. I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around, turned you into someone new_.

He ground his lower anatomy against the pole, eyes closed so he would not see the audience. He hated knowing that males were actually observing this.

_Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet. Success has been so easy for you. But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now, and I can put you back down too_.

He dropped to the ground and slowly rose back up, opening his eyes and licking his finger sexily while giving a come-hither look to one of the closer males. The man responded by setting some gil on the stage where Hojo could reach it.

_Don't, don't you want me? You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me. Don't, don't you want me? You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me! It's much too late to find you think you've changed your mind. You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry!_

Now with both legs around the pole, he began sliding up and down it, almost as if it were a man and he a real female. Hojo could only do this a few times; he didn't have the arm strength to keep it up like some of the females could.

The males certainly appreciated it. More gil was thrown at him, along with a multitude of lupine whistles and some dirty shouts.

_Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh!  
Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh!_

He slapped his ass and swung around the pole, leaning backwards so his hair flew out before yanking himself closer to the pole. Now with both feet firmly on the ground, he slid up and down its length while giving the males a sexy, longing look.

_I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. That much is true. But even then I knew I'd find a much better place, either with or without you_.

He hated this job. Hated, loathed, despised, and was utterly revolted by it.

More gil landed on the stage. Looked as if the boy they kept for the sole purpose of gathering the gil would see work this night.

_The five years we have had have been such good times. I still love you. But now I think it's time I lived my life on my own. I guess it's just what I must do_.

Climbing the pole again, he humped the neon-glowing, bubble-filled plastic in time with the music. More whistles and obscene calls came his way.

_Don't, don't you want me? You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me. Don't, don't you want me? You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me_.

It was almost over. Just a little longer…

_It's much too late to find you think you've changed your mind. You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry!_

He swung around the pole and dipped to the ground, straightening first his legs and then his back. More gil was thrown.

_Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh! Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh! Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh!  
Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh!_

Then, from the back of the club, an incredulous cry arose.

"_Hojo?!_"

Still dancing, he quickly looked in the direction of the sharp-eyed male and thought something highly unscientific and inappropriate. Reno, Zack, and Sephiroth were seated at one of the tables in the back, all three of them with their jaws flat on the tablecloth.

He was outraged that his precious specimen should be in this locale, being corrupted by the Turk and the SOLDIER, but he could not afford to give away the fact that the redhead was correct. The crowd would be most upset to discover that they had been propositioning a _man. _

Completing his routine, he smiled and blew the trio a kiss, dancing off-stage and racing for his dressing room as soon as he was out of sight.

He would have this place fire-bombed as soon as he finished gathering his funds. _  
_


	21. Scars

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor: **I had a request to put something in that related to blood or scars from zoomboom. So, just for you, I put this in. And there will be a bloody one following posthaste. Yeah, I'll do requests if you all give them to me! Just normal, everyday stuff, like a visit to the dentist or getting sick or something. Nothing too wild and crazy. As for this chapter, all I can say is post-traumatic stress disorder. Watching AC, I always can't help but wonder "What happened to his other wing?" Here is my theory.

Scars

Sephiroth pushed open his bedroom door with a heavy sigh, more than ready to shower and flop down on his bed. He was tired, really tired. It had been a long week, out on a training mission with the new recruits on the Midgar plains. He just wanted to relax beneath the showerhead and go to sleep.

At least he hadn't been the only one to suffer. Zack had been sent out with him. Some of the clueless recruits had driven him bug-nut insane over the course of the mission. Right now, the black-haired man was out with one of the other COs at a bar somewhere, trying to forget how crazy the cadets had made him.

_Shower. Need shower, _Sephiroth thought, heading for the bathroom. He kicked off his boots and undid his coat, hanging it on its hook before entering the tile-clad sanctuary. Shirtless, he stared at himself in the bathroom mirror.

Odd, how his scars never seemed to hurt when he was outside the Shinra building…

His entire past could be read upon his body. His many admirers would never guess it, but his torso and arms were a patchwork quilt of pale scars, leftovers from a time when he was unable to protect himself from those who desired to harm him in the name of science. There was a multitude of thick, white lines trailing over several major arteries and veins, all of which had originated from Hojo's repeated injections of nameless chemicals and weird, glowing sludge into his body. These were side-by-side with shorter scars, pinker and wider than the injection leavings. He despised those. All of the shorter ones had come from the times Hojo and his esteemed collegues had strapped him down on stainless steel tables and sliced into him, trying to see what their latest tests and injections were doing to him.

Very few of the scars had come from an enemy's blade. Almost all of them had been incurred during his nightmarish childhood.

The scars hurt whenever he was in the building, but they ached worse than ever when Hojo was around him.

Sephiroth closed his eyes and turned away from the mirror to start his shower, revealing a long, blackened scar over his left shoulder-blade. He used to dream of flight, when he was little. He sometimes thought he could remember a pair of coal-black wings fanning slowly upon his back, the feathers long and unbelievably soft. Night-fancies of wrapping himself in those wings sometimes haunted his sleep, offering comfort when he needed it the most.

But there was always that nightmare that followed. A horrific dream of Hojo discovering his wings, and extracting tissue samples from the left. Of his precious left wing becoming infected, and of himself being held down while the Wutaian scientist sawed the decaying, disease-ridden appendage from his back, ripping it from him and mumbling about studying the specimen's reaction.

He always awoke with a terrible sense of loss, as if he had truly lost the ability to fly.

Sephiroth had no idea where the scar on his back had come from.

But it always ached the worst when he had that dream.


	22. Promise

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Here's the other one for zoomboom, who requested 'something bloody,' and suggested that something happens to Zack. Well, you got your wish. Something is about to happen to Zack. Just to reiterate, I do NOT believe in the Zack/Seph pairing. They're just really good friends, kinda like Sam and Frodo. And I have fixed the spelling issue in the summary; thanks for pointing it out, Corncob! Will be returning to the humor again presently. Oh, and requests please?

Promise

Zack was feeling pretty damn good.

He had just walked his current girlfriend back to her house after a most satisfactory date at a small café she knew of. Aerith was definitely not the type to put out on the first date, but she had let him kiss her before she'd gone inside. Always so much fun, teaching an inexperienced girl how to kiss.

He was going to take it slow with Aerith. Normally, all he wanted from a girl was a few good dates, accompanied by some mind-blowing, rafter-shaking rounds of sex. But this one was…different. Special. He wanted this relationship to last, for some weird reason.

Girls like her didn't come along every day, after all.

Feeling like he was on top of the world, the black-haired SOLDIER began whistling a pleasant tune, hands stuck in his pockets. There was _nothing _that could possibly ruin his night.

"Shinra scumbag!"

He heard a scraping sound, as if someone had pushed off a piece of rock or something, then was abruptly driven to the ground before he could react. Something was on top of him, preventing him from getting up or drawing his sword. No matter how much he struggled, he couldn't dislodge the weight.

"My wife… My son… You'll pay for their lives, you Planet-forsaken piece of stinking _filth!_"

Zack tried to protest, tried once more to get up…

But a hot explosion of pain spread throughout his skull, and darkness overtook his vision.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

He was…

Laying on something.

Something soft.

There was something stuck up his nose.

_Where the hell am I?_

His eyelids seem to weigh a couple thousand tons. Each.

But he finally managed to get them open and take a look around.

He was in a hospital room, one unfamiliar to him. It didn't look like the in-building one at Shinra. This looked more like a civilian hospital.

_One good thing, at least. No Hojo. _

He was lying on the only bed in the room, and there was a respiration tube stuck up his nostrils. An I.V. was in his left arm; the right was hanging above the level of the bed via a sling, covered in plaster nearly up to his shoulder. It hurt like hell to move anything more than his head.

_What happened? Why am I in a hospital?_

A nurse bustled in, a pretty piece with long waves of cinnamon hair and bright green eyes. She smiled when she noticed he was awake. "Good to see that you're among the living again. We were starting to worry you were never going to come out of that coma."

_…Coma? _

"What… What happened?" he croaked. Damn, his mouth was dry!

"You were assaulted in Sector 6 nearly seven weeks ago. Your wounds were so extensive, we honestly thought you weren't going to make it. Blood transfusions, emergency surgery, constant maintanence, the works. It's a miracle he got you here in time."

"Who?"

The nurse was busy fiddling with some of the monitors to which he was hooked up. "General Sephiroth, of course."

Zack's eyes widened. _Seph brought me here?! What the… Where is he? How?_

"Would you like to see him?" she inquired. He nodded enthusiastically. "All right. I'll tell him he can come in." Marking something down on a clipboard, she flashed another smile at him. "You know, he's a lot more caring than I though he would be. He's been here every day. I have the night shift, and he always gets here about the same time I do. Refuses to leave, even when visiting hours are over. He just sleeps out in the waiting room, and leaves around four in the morning. Wish my friends were like that."

She left a minute later, leaving him with a cup of pills and a little water dribbled over a mountain of ice in a plastic mug. Zack obediently swallowed the pills and relaxed against the pillow, waiting to see if she had been telling the truth.

Sure enough, Sephiroth came through the door a few minutes later, his mako-green eyes filled with concern. Zack could have sworn he saw him mouth a "thank the Planet" when he saw him, but he couldn't be sure. The silver-haired man seated himself in the chair next to the bed carelessly, totally out-of-character for the dignified general. "I was starting to think that you were never going to wake up," he said quietly.

"Well, I'm up. So now I can annoy you again." Zack managed a weak smile before getting down to business. "Seph, what happened to me?"

Sephiroth laid a hand on the bedrail, hauling himself and his chair closer to the bed. Zack had served beside him for years, and he had _never _seen the older man look so…something. Tired? Care-worn?

Worried?

"I was out in Sector 6 looking for things that needed killing, monsters and the like. Just honing my skills. I do that sometimes. Anyway, I heard this guy yell something about 'Planet-forsaken filth,' and some other stuff about Shinra. At first I thought it was just some old kook blowing off steam, but then I heard him crow about 'how weak the SOLDIERs were, to go down this easily.' Needless to say, I took off. I knew you had a date with that Aerith girl, and none of my other SOLDIERs were supposed to be anywhere near that sector that night. Somehow, I just knew it was you." Sephiroth shook his head, closing his eyes so he could focus. "This man was straddling you when I got there, beating you with a rock, of all things. You weren't moving. I tried to haul him off you, tried to get him to stop, but he just kept going back at you, yelling about how all of Shinra needed to die, for killing his family. I didn't know what to do; you were losing blood fast, and I…I didn't have a choice."

Zack reached up and took his hand, holding it firmly in his own. _It's all right, Seph. It's all right. _

"I had to kill him. It was the only way to stop him. It was the only way to save you…

"I got you to this hospital as fast as I could. They told me the prognosis was grim, but I didn't care. I didn't want you to die, not like that. I wasn't ready for the Lifestream to take my best friend yet. I'm still not."

The General was pouring his heart out to him. Zack watched him with sympathetic purple eyes, squeezing his hand reassuringly. _I'm still here, Seph. It's okay._

"I've been here every night since then, after the workday ended. I just had to be here, to know if you were going to be all right. They wouldn't let me stay with you for more than a few minutes, but I didn't leave the hospital. I was so worried that you were going to die…"

"Seph, it's all right. I'm here, I'm alive. You can stop worrying now." Zack squeezed his hand again, smiling. "I promise, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Too much to do, too much to see, and all that crap."

"I can't help it, Zack. You're my only friend; if I lose you, I don't know what I'll do." He looked so helpless, so forlorn, that Zack's heart went out to him.

Fighting for every inch, ignoring the blazing pain, he scooted closer to the miserable general and took his hand from his, reaching out to rub his back and shoulder soothingly. "I'm not going to leave you, Seph. Friends don't leave friends in the dust, even if it's for the Lifestream."

The silver head lifted, the eyes shining with unshed tears. "Really? You promise?"

The oath came easily to his lips. He and Sephiroth were best friends, after all. "Yeah, I promise."


	23. Green Sludge

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Told you I'd do requests! I had one (two actually…) from Le Pecore Nere (what does that mean, anyway?) to do something relating to bad cafeteria food. And with Hojo in the building, you just know that I wasn't going to do something with the food merely passing its expiration date… Think of the 'Calvin and Hobbes' Sunday panels food. Yes, I am fully aware that there are no cows on Gaia. Just taking creative liberties again. There will be a prank chapter up next. Following that, I really do need some inspiration from you guys, because the muses are being difficult. Reno slipped 'em beer again, I think.

Green Sludge

Sephiroth hated the new "No Outside Food/No Sneaking Off for Lunch" rule.

He was commonly known to possess a stomach of pure iron. He could consume anything and suffer no ill effect, no matter what the item of consumption might be.

But that innate resistance to bad edibles did not extend to Shinra's cafeteria food.

He stared at the nameless sludge on his lunch tray, bewildered as to what it could possibly be. The stuff was emerald-green, gelatinous, and filled with air bubbles. It was not Jello; Shinra's Jello was purple with red spots. It fact, his 'lunch' smelled like spaghetti sauce.

Whatever it was, it was definitely the lesser of two evils. The cafeteria's creamed chipped beef, the other oh-so-savory choice, had been responsible for bestowing upon half the company, SOLDIER included, severe cases of food poisoning and/or the runs the last time it had been served.

Sephiroth picked up his spork and cautiously poked at it. The sludge wiggled at the touch. It did not jiggle; it _wiggled. _Suddenly devoid of his appetite, the General set his spork down and pushed the tray away just as Zack plunked his tray down beside him.

"Hey Seph. Any idea what this junk is?" he asked, wrinkling his nose at the sludge.

"No idea. All I know is that it has got to be better than the creamed chipped beef," the silver-haired man responded, swirling his drink around in the Styrofoam cup and taking a sip. At least the water was actual water.

Zack shuddered. "Ugh. That stuff should be one of the proficiency tests for SOLDIER. Anybody who can stomach that crap _deserves_ to be in the military." He spooned some of it out and took a hesitant sniff. "Well, it doesn't smell so bad."

Sephiroth stuck his tongue out, disgusted, as the younger man tasted it. Zack swished it around for a moment, swallowed, and offered his superior a shrug. "'S not so bad. Better than some of the 'food' they serve us. Try it."

The General sighed. "I'm not really hungry," he lied, just as his stomach growled.

Zack arched one ebon brow. "You sure about that?"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes and pulled his tray back, scooping up some of the sludge on his spork.

The stuff still didn't look like any type of food he'd ever seen. He tilted his spork and let the nameless sludge slide off the plastic utensil. It landed on the plate with a decidedly unappetizing _splort._

"Just try it already!" Zack demanded, putting another spoonful in his mouth. Sephiroth huffed and, before he could lose his nerve, tasted it.

His eyes widened.

"This is…_good_…"

"Shocking, huh?" Zack grinned. "Maybe they're actually putting some effort into feeding us, for once."

Sephiroth returned his grin and dug in. Their trays were completely empty before one of the laboratory assistants raced into the cafeteria.

"Stop eating the green stuff!" he yelled. "There was a mix-up between the cafeteria and the labs! If you have eaten the green stuff, report to the laboratory _immediately!_"

The two SOLDIERs looked at each other, horrified. _What the hell did we just eat?_


	24. Aftereffects of Green Sludge

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Ok, here's another request. This one comes from Daydreamer23182, who said, and I quote, "Maybe it will have some side affects or something..." This was originally going to be a prank chapter, but I think I'll get to that one later. I got _inspired_. What kind of crack was I on when I thought this up? I have no clue. Maybe this'll teach Seph and Zack to have their food chemically analyzed before they eat it. They are going to murder me when they read this, I swear...

Aftereffects of Green Sludge

"Well, isn't this just peachy," Zack muttered, sliding down the wall to curl up on the floor, arms folded. "Damned Hojo…"

"He said he'd have the antidote out to us in a few minutes," Sephiroth reminded, looking out the window. "We'll be back to our old selves in just a little while."

"And you actually trust that freak? For all we know, he may keep us like this just to see what we do!"

Sephiroth sighed. "No, I don't trust him. But I also know what the President will do to him if we are not returned to our original states. Somehow, I do not think he will be too pleased, in the long run, with the overabundance of females currently enrolled in the SOLDIER program, or the fact that the secretaries are now wearing short kilts rather than mini-skirts."

Zack laughed. "Yeah, you're right. I don't think he'd be too happy to call Felisha in, turn her over the desk, and discover that 'she' has suddenly become a 'he'."

Sephiroth smirked, then returned to contemplating the city outside the window. "I'm still going to kill Hojo for this. As slowly as I possibly can."

Zack glared down at the new appearance of his previously-smooth, flat chest. "Count me in. I never realized just how damned uncomfortable these uniforms were until a few minutes ago."

Sephiroth turned to look at the younger officer, displaying his new profile with a quick gesture. "Count yourself lucky. I'll have to replace this coat now; they ripped right through the leather!"

"Yeah, leather doesn't have as much give as wool," Zack snickered. "But you must admit, you do make a very beautiful…" Sephiroth's warning rumble made the second-in-command shut up.

Zack sighed and ran his hands down his body, a little surprised at the sensations his new acquisitions gave him and also sorely missing his original equipment, which was currently MIA. "We could go get one or two of the secretaries and see how the other sex experiences things in bed…"

"No."

"But it would be a learning experience!"

"No."

Zack pouted and let his legs slide across the linoleum to lay flat, glaring at the space between them. Sephiroth flashed the petulant younger SOLDIER a teasing grin.

"Well, I will agree with you on one thing."

"And that would be…?"

"You do make a very beautiful woman."


	25. The Meaning of Life

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Update: I also lack the ownership papers to "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," including the books, the movie, and the radio program. Just thought you should know.

**Queen's Quornor: **Another request! This one reads "Seph and Zack try to have a meaningful conversation over the meaning of life to which Reno just has to butt in. (bonus points if reno says 42, a la Monty Python)," and it comes from Jediempress. I don't think I'll do anything with Monty Python, because I haven't even seen "The Search for the Holy Grail" yet (hides face in shame), but there is another famous thing involving the number 42 I believe I can work with…

The Meaning of Life is…

"Hey Seph, what do you think the meaning of life it?" Zack asked, stirring his coffee idly.

Sephiroth lifted his head from a file he was reading to stare at his second-in-command incredulously. "Where did that question come from?"

"Dunno. Just curious."

He closed the folder and interlocked his hands, resting his chin atop them. "Well, the answer depends on what you mean by the question. Do you mean, 'what is our purpose?' or 'why are we even here?'"

Zack shrugged.

"Well then, I'll assume you mean 'what is our purpose?' If such is the case, then I believe our purpose is to excel in whatever we choose, so that once we have faded back into the Lifestream our present incarnations will be remembered, long after we have gone."

The younger man took a swig of his coffee. "Really? I figured our purpose is to put on a show for the higher-ups."

Sephiroth lifted a brow inquiringly. "'Higher-ups'?"

"The Planet, I guess. Or the people in the Lifestream. Whatever." He lifted his gaze to look at his superior. "Think about it: it's got to be really boring just floating around in the Lifestream. So they watch us go about our daily business, and we put on a pretty damn good show!"

"That is an interesting theory. But how do you know that they are even capable of witnessing all that we do?"

"I don't. It's just a theory."

"Well, I still think that we are supposed to do our best so we can do even better in the next life."

"Seph, that doesn't really make sense…"

"Yo, what are you guys talkin' about?" Reno asked, waltzing into the break-room and snagging the coffee pot.

"The meaning of life." Zack frowned as the Turk filled his mug. "Why are you getting our coffee? I thought the Turks had their own."

"Tseng decided to confiscate all our coffee for the meeting he's having with the Prez. So, I decided to steal some of your's." Reno swallowed a mouthful, smiling in satisfaction as it slid down his throat. "Ahhh… Perfect. I just can't live without my coffee."

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Great…"

"Anyway, you're wasting your time. Everybody already knows the meaning of life, the answer to the ultimate question."

The two SOLDIERs exchanged glances. "And what is the answer, Oh Mighty Oracle?" Zack asked sarcastically.

Reno smiled, baring all his teeth like a shark. "42."


	26. Company Wide Mange

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Update: I also lack the ownership papers to "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," including the books, the movie, and the radio program. Just thought you should know.

**Queen's Quornor: **Since I seem to be in a writing mood, here's another request. I had one from AmazonTurk last night (this morning? Whatever; sometime around 1 in the morning) to the effect of this: "I have a challenge. I would like a Q-tip and pair of tweezers and NAIR. See what you can do with that, queen:)" Well, true to my reputation I was inspired by this seemingly-impossible request. For this one, we shall have to go back in time to Sephiroth's childhood, after he figured out how to get into the air vents… As a side-note, the original victim was going to be the President, but I think this is more fitting, don't you? Obviously, I started writing this yesterday and did not post it in time. Apologies.

Company-Wide Mange

Sephiroth pulled himself up into the opening created by lifting the loose vent up, wriggling until he and his bag of supplies were completely in the air system. He let the vent close behind him and picked a direction at random, letting chance determine who his victim would be this night.

The scientists were convinced that an epidemic of mange was going around the company, as more and more of the live-in executives and workers were waking up to find their hair butchered into the most hideous of fashions, if not completely gone.

They had no clue the culprit was Hojo's little 'experiment,' crawling around in the vents after curfew with a bag of grooming items he'd swiped from the labs and the handbags of the lady scientists.

Sephiroth was clever with his heinous deeds. He moved slowly and cautiously, so as to never make a sound. He stayed miles away from the SOLDIERs' quarters, and, as much as he wanted to, he did not drop in on Hojo or the President to butcher their hair. Scarlet and the Turks were as high-risk as he was willing to go. He always used that new misting stuff Hojo had cooked up to fool the security cameras.

Five weeks straight, and he had yet to be caught.

Loud snoring alerted him to a room below, and he crawled to the closest vent to take a look. Palmer lay sprawled on a bed, clad only in a pair of briefs. His head was thrown back over the side of the bed, his long ponytail trailing over the floor while he snored.

Sephiroth grinned. _Perfect. I've always hated that skinny bastard anyway. _

Utilizing a screwdriver, he got the vent open and slipped down into the room via the desk, spraying the concealing mist in the direction of the security camera as he did so. Palmer had yet to wake up. He crept over to the bed and knelt behind the idiot's head, removing the tools of his craft and laying them out atop the canvas bag.

Picking up a Q-tip, he sprinkled some of the local anesthesia he had stolen from the labs across the cotton tip and began swabbing it around Palmer's hairline. While the stuff smelled awful, it was also capable of numbing the entirety of the area in which it was applied. Sephiroth had discovered that by circling the scalps of his victims, as well as their faces, they never felt a thing while he enacted his unspeakable crimes.

The tweezers were next. He used those to pluck nose hairs, Palmer's mustache and goatee, and his eyebrows. The skinny executive never so much as flinched.

Sephiroth then took out the greatest of his tools, a bottle of souped-up NAIR one of the lady scientists had created and used to take care of 'her' beard a few weeks back. Potent stuff, this. There was a very good chance that the hair follicles would never yield soft tresses ever again. Squirting some out onto a washrag, he began massaging it into Palmer's scalp.

One he was finished with his work, he gathered up his tools and retired to the air vents, already seeking out another victim.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

The result of that night's work resulted in Palmer's horrified scream awakening the entirety of Midgar, an overabundency of pointing and laughing at the chrome-domed playboy, and the subsequent head-shaving of every person who spent the greater majority of their time in the Shinra building, to head off any further cases of this strange phenomenon, Sephiroth included.

To this day, he remains terrified of barbers.

Palmer, in case you were wondering, did sink into a maniac-depressive state following the permanent loss of his cherished hair, mustache, and eyebrows, resulting in the dramatic rounding of his abdominal area and his act of throwing his very heart and soul into the cut Space Program.

He yet maintains that his hair was his good luck charm, and as a result of its sudden, premature departure, his life took a permanent turn for the worst.

The only clue found in his quarters was a single long, silver hair. Reports state that this may have been a sign that Palmer had discovered his first gray hair, plucked it, and gone temporarily insane to the point of removing all hair above his neck.

Most of those who have interacted with Palmer since then are under the impression that his temporary insanity has yet to pass.


	27. Day Care

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Here's an anonymous request that I found amusing: "I'm assuming that some of the Shinra employees are married, probably with children. So, what if the daycare worker called in sick and a certain silver-haired general had to take her place?" After getting chased around by Sephiroth after laughing about what these kids are going to be putting him through, I have decided to, as he/she put it, 'run with it.' Quite literally, in this case…

Day Care

He was _never _having children.

The declaration ringed throughout his head as he sat stewing in a tiny plastic chair, surrounded by screaming, laughing, highly-energetic kids. He was quite a sight to behold; his miniature charges had seen fit to smear his face and coat with finger-paints, peanut butter, and grape jelly, as well as to tie a multitude of pink ribbons and plastic barrettes into his luxurious silver hair. One imaginative little tot had even tried to make his hair 'prettyful' with a pot of electric-blue paint. So now half of his unique mane was the color of the sky, complete with yellow bits of clay to serve as a sun.

He was damned lucky the kids hadn't found the scissors yet. He had made sure to hide those during nap time.

Valerie and Trent, the two regular daycare workers at Shinra, had both called in sick this morning. Sephiroth had been under the impression that such an event was highly unlikely to occur, given that they were paired up for a reason; if one got sick, the other could shoulder the entire undertaking until the ill one got better. Not once had both of them gotten sick at the same time. Never!

So the anxious parents to which the little devils belonged had virtually begged the President for someone to watch their kids, pleading that they could not possibly accomplish their jobs with their cute, wholly evil offspring underfoot. And who had President Shinra seen fit to enlist?

The owner of the white tiger that had flamebroiled his 5th century Wutaian tapestry, of course.

He hadn't had a choice in the matter. The sadistic older man had threatened him with laboratory duty if he declined the generous offer of a day in the daycare. And Sephiroth was not about to spend any more time around Hojo than absolutely necessary.

"Mr. Seph'roth, I hafta go potty!" one charming little rugrat announced at the top of his lungs from his position less than a foot away from the beseiged General's face.

Silently counting to fifty, Sephiroth stood up and took the boy's hand in his own, trying not to think about the cost of new black leather gloves as he led him to the bathroom. The left one was currently being coated with applesauce; the right had long-ago succumbed to the sprayings of a male infant whilst undergoing a diaper change.

"Mr. Seph'roth! Mr. Seph'roth!" Another youngling was tugging at the tail of his coat, with some of his hair joining the expensive fabric in the grimy little fist.

"Yes?" he inquired tonelessly, lifting the now-pantsless boy onto the toilet seat.

"Trusie just threw up all over the rug."

He sighed. "Stay there," he commanded the child occupying the porcelain throne, following the yellow-clad girl to another young female, a beautiful child who was still spewing the contents of her stomach all over the "Let's Count!" rug. As he went to go clean the mess up, he cast a glare at the sprawled, remorseful figure in the corner. A white tiger with no less than seven younglings climbing all over him and several ribbons tied to his tail and whiskers.

"This is all your fault, Masai!"


	28. Exploding Lunch

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. And since I own none of the major fast food joints, I had to come up with their Gaian equivalents. Now those I do own (I wish! I'd be a rich woman!)

**Queen's Quornor: **Requests! I'm loving all these requests! Really pumping the creative juices into my hungover muses! I'll need more, but for now here's another one to tide you all over (I'll get to your second one soon enough, Le Pecore Nere) from Jenova Remnant AKA Fishie: "what about Sephiroth and an odd obsession with explosions! Yeah! like make Reno's lunch blow up in his face or smething!" However, he/she failed to say if _Seph_ was the one with the odd obsession…

Exploding Lunch

"Thank Shiva they actually dropped that stupid "no outside food" rule," Reno praised, setting his McDougal's bag next to Zack's Gongaga Fried Chocobo. "We can actually eat real food again!"

"Maybe it was because they found out exactly what was in the 'mystery meat' and 'special sauce,'" the black-haired SOLDEIR muttered around a piece of biscuit.

"Ugh. Don't even _mention_ that incident," Sephiroth grumbled, removing a red-and-white container from his Wutai Master Chef bag. "I would like to eat my lo mein in peace, if you don't mind."

"Sure thing, General." The Turk unwrapped a double half-pounder and tore into it, cramming fries into his mouth at random intervals. Zack snorted, amused, and scooted a little further down the table, where his mashed potatoes and gravy wouldn't get flying pieces of bun in them. Sephiroth looked disgusted, and opened his container of fried octopus, expertly manipulating the chopsticks to get the much-favored seafood into his mouth.

The cafeteria had been converted into a mess hall, the kitchens having been shut down for an undetermined amount of time (ie, permanently). All around them, various Shinra workers, paper-pushers, scientists, and SOLDIERs were feasting on food they had had delivered from outside the company. There was Tseng in one corner, munching on Kalmish barbecued ribs with Rude. Heideggar was seated at the head of one long table, devouring a selection of soups and breads from Junon Bread Factory, and Palmer had one table all to himself across the room; a good thing it was, because the entire length of the table was covered with spicy tacos, nachos, churros, and other foods from that new restaurant owned by that couple from Costa del Sol, Burrito Gong.

The place was really crowded today, as it had never been prior to the closing of the kitchen. Full of the sounds of people laughing, talking, arguing, and eating.

And soon, full of flying food.

The noise died abruptly, as every single occupant of the cafeteria stared at each other through the thick layer of edibles that coated their faces, along with their upper bodies. The room was filled with a single, unanimous thought:

_What…the HELL…just happened?!_

Their reply came from the entrance to the cafeteria in the form of snickering. Sephiroth lowered his chopsticks, unsheathed Masamune, and calmly walked over to the partially-closed double doors. He pulled open one of the doors, revealing Scarlet leaning against the wall with a hand-held detonator in her hand, laughing.

Her mirth stopped the moment she laid eyes on the too-calm General, and his furious followers.

"Scarlet, this obsession with explosives has gone too far," Sephiroth's smooth voice told her.

"Um, I can explain!" she pacified, beginning to inch away.

"_Run_," he suggested in a low tone.

She followed that suggestion and fled down the hall, followed closely by an enraged General, his second-in-command, a redhaired Turk, and the greater majority of Shinra Electrical Power Company's entire on-site workforce.

All of whom were, literally, wearing their lunch.


	29. Surrogate Mother

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Ok, here's another request. I think I may do an original next, muses came off the booze long enough to give me another one of my own. But they're drinking with Reno and Zack at the moment, so I've taken my inspiration from another one on the reviews. This one comes from Kazaam, who typed "I have a challenge when you have the time: Zack, red paint, Masai the tiger...and puppies!" Well, you know I can't turn down a good challenge, so… On with the show!

(and please forgive me if it's not up to standards. I had to get this out before my mom stole the computer. Man, do I miss my own computer, which is currently in storage in the next state!)

Surrogate Mother

There was something whimpering.

Sephiroth groaned and opened his eyes, wondering groggily what was making that pitiful sound. There was nothing in his rooms that could possibly make a sound like that.

Right?

The sound was coming from the opposite side of the bed, and low. Down on the floor. Sephiroth rolled over to that side of the mattress and peeked over the side.

Then drew back in shock.

There was about seven puppies – little black puppies! – whining and squirming around on a blanket he had used months ago to clean up some paint he'd spilled while redoing his room. The little midnight creatures seemed rather beautiful, wriggling around against the red-spattered white fabric.

But that did not answer the question of where the puppies had come from.

Sephiroth reached out and picked one up, a tiny canine that just fit into the palm of his hand. The puppy snuggled against his warm skin with a contented squeak, stirring the General's deeply-surpressed love for helpless little things. He brought the puppy to his neck and cuddled it against him, murmuring softly to it until it fell asleep.

But where had they all come from?

His answer came when the door to his room squeaked open. He turned his head to glance at the doorway just as Masai padded into the room, followed closely by Zack.

There was a puppy in the tiger's mouth.

Masai carried the helpless baby carefully, the scruff of the fragile neck clamp delicately between the powerful teeth. Without even sparing his owner a glance, the regal cat glided to the blanket and gently set the puppy down amongst its siblings, then curled up around the litter with a deep purr. Sephiroth turned surprised eyes to his second-in-command, who was grinning.

"What is this?" he inquired.

"Your tiger sometimes sneaks into Hojo's labs," Zack answered. "And he found these puppies. 'Nuff said."

"What am I supposed to do with ten puppies?"

In answer, the younger SOLDIER pointed to the puppy sleeping against Sephiroth's neck.

"Take care of them, of course."


	30. Reaffirmation, Zack Style

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. And yes, Papa Cucaraches is the Gaian equivalent of Papa Roach. Zack actually likes their music, and frequently steals my cds.

**Queen's Quornor: **This was not what I had in mind when I said I had something original in mind. But upon going through my reviews for more inspiration, I can across a little review from AmazonTurk for chapter 24 that got me thinking…and snickering. She said, and I quote, "You know Zack's gonna fondle himself before he gets changed back into the hot man he was born to be!" Smut-loving little pervert that I am, that got me imagining. So this idea was born, with no help from my muses, I might add. (glares at drunk muses). And yes, it's going to remain T rated for the fic. You all have no business whatsoever knowing what goes on in my head.

Reaffirmation, Zack style

Hojo had turned him into a woman. A _woman_.

Though he was a man again, Zack still got the chills whenever he thought about his sudden, unexpected understanding of the gentler sex. When he thought about the cantaloupes that had adorned his chest, his skin crawled. The replaced equipment below the belt almost made him physically ill. The knowledge that Sephiroth, who had also been turned into a woman via the green sludge, had found him beautiful made him want to start screaming.

Zack loved women. Everybody knew that. He was Reno's only rival for the sheer number of women he took home every Friday and Saturday night. Not even Sephiroth could hold a candle to the amount of notches on his headboard (and footboard; he needed a new bed again soon). He still loved women, despite the nightmarish situation he had found himself in a few hours ago.

He just didn't want one _right now._

Curled up on his side atop his bed, listening to some death metal from his collection (Padre Cucaraches) and trying to put the horrible memory out of his head at eleven-fifteen pm, Zack actually wanted to spend his Friday night alone for once. As in, without a single member of the female species.

Astonishing.

Listening to his personal favorite on the disk, "I Devise My Own Demise," a sudden horrible thought struck him. _What if I'm not a man anymore? Sure the wedding tackle's back, but what if it doesn't work? _

Zack didn't have a girlfriend at the moment, nor did he have any women he truly considered a good prospect for the future. But he did want children someday. He adored kids, and got along with them without any problems. When he did stumble upon Miss Right, he was planning on giving her at least five of the little buggers.

The idea that his gods-given equipment might now be defunct was one of the most terrifying concepts he had ever entertained.

_Well, only one way to find out. _

He slid one hand down and began undoing his belt.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The digital clock now read 2:37 pm. His cd had long since played itself out and switched off, leaving him in near-total silence (the near came from the fact that the guy in the apartment next to his had brought a chick home with him).

But Zack didn't care.

Hot, sweaty, and panting on the covers, he had his answer.

His equipment was just fine.


	31. Dingaling Brothers Darnum and Sailey

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Here's another request from Le Pecore Nere: "use a sand buggy, a clown, and some rollerskates! okay, (maybe a circus as well)" Well, here we go… What can I do with this one? Hmmm… Oh, I can' t come up with anything for this one. Wait a minute. I know!

Darnum and Sailey

"Explain to me exactly what that large, brightly-colored tent is doing in front of the building," Sephiroth demanded in a soft voice, staring up at the yellow and white tent set up a few feet away from the front doors of the Shinra building. Reno slung an arm around his upper body (he just couldn't reach the older man's shoulders) companionably.

"Geez, General, where have you been all these years? This is Dingaling Brothers Darnum and Sailey, the best circus in all of Gaia!"

"I know who they are, Reno," Sephiroth replied stiffly. "I want to know _why _they are here."

"Because the President is attempting to impress his latest mistress by throwing a big birthday party for her daughter," Tseng replied, coming out the doors to stand beside the unlikely duo. "And Reno, I'd highly suggest removing your arm from the General's person with all haste."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Well, we might as well go in. The President has decided that anybody who does not show up will be 'volunteered' for Hojo's latest project." The leader of the Turks approached the tent with the same demeanor of a man going to face a firing squad.

Reno and Sephiroth shrugged, and followed the Wutaian.

It actually wasn't as bad as the silver-haired man had expected. The acts were cute and actually quite funny, the ladies pirouetting on chocobo-back were beautiful, and the sand buggy riders were extremely talented. Sephiroth tried not to show any emotion, as per his personal policy, but it was difficult not to be amused when the clowns came out. Tumbling all over each other, throwing pies and spraying setzer bottles, even chasing each other with canned fire, the folks in the hideous clothes with the painted faces and the enormous shoes were highly amusing even to his sophisticated standards.

Then the precocious little birthday girl had to throw her brand new roller skates at Klippy, the King Klown.

Then all hell broke loose, resulting ultimately in the tent falling down upon all within, the chocobos running rampant across the fallen tent, and the mistress in question getting thrown out of the company right alongside her bratty daughter.

Darnum and Sailey never recovered, because Sephiroth hunted the famous brothers down and killed them for not coming back to let him see the remainder of the show.


	32. Contemplation, Vow to Masamune

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Request time! I think I'll be returning to "The End of My Life as I Know It" soon; Kadaj has been threatening me with imminent dismemberment if I don't get back to him. But don't fret, I won't be leaving this fic unfinished. I try not to do any such thing with any of my fics. Ultimately, I'm hoping to do a grand total of 100 drabbles for this fic, but that'll take awhile, obviously. So, for now, here's a request from I.K.A Valian, who typed "My suggestion is this: What did Sephiroth do when he first got the Masamune? Did he make a 12 foot long Shish Kabob? What?" Well, if any of you (and I know most of you did) read chapter fourteen, First Love, you'd know that I said Seph got Masamune by snatching it out of the hands of one of the Wutaian captains after his buster sword went flying while on a rampage after his lover Tareyna was killed. Well, I still think he got the katana during the Wutai war, probably from one of his own opponents. So I can't follow that request _exactly _like that. And I can't think of anything amusing to do with this request, not when the lead-in chapter was so sad. However, I'll try to do justice to the request as best I can. Read on, friends and fellow Sephiroth fan-freaks! Oh, and muchos apologies if I did not succeed in describing Masamune accurately. I've gone through that movie so many times and God-only-knows-how-many deviantart pics trying to figure out what the hilt looks like, and this damn computer screen is too dark for me to make heads or tales of the Cloud/Seph fight. The television is a no-go too; for some reason, it has taken on a green tint and I can only watch darker sections (aka, the aforementioned fight) when there is absolutely no light in the living room. Does anybody know _exactly_ was color the hilt and pommel of Masamune are? Even if this chapter is finished, I'd like to know for future reference!

Contemplation

The night was quiet, and calm. The stars were bright in the darkness, shining silver diamonds against a black velvet sky. Miles away from the choking pollution of Midgar, the air was clean and clear, easy to breathe.

Well, perhaps not as easy at the moment as it would normally be.

A battle had taken place here recently, just hours ago. The rocky field was carpeted with the bodies of men and women, SOLDIERs and Wutaian warriors. The stench of death, a nameless odor that wafted from the mutilated shells of humanity, rose in an invisible miasma from the battlefield, joined by the scent of dried, sun-baked rancid blood. The sickening stench of decay, of putrefication, would join them within days.

But for now, blood and death was all there was to foul the air.

Here and there, fighters on both sides of the war scoured the field, searching for missing comrades. With the frantic chaos that was a pitched battle, it was possible that there were still some people, living ones, buried beneath the bodies of the dead. The task of these brave souls was to search for survivors, and to identify the bodies of their own friends. There was an unspoken truce in moments like this; out of respect for the dead ones and the grief of the living, neither side would initiate violence against the other.

This was a concession for which the young captain of the Shinra army was thankful. Kneeling beside a freshly-dug grave, an extraordinarily long katana laying between he and the mound of dirt, the young man with unique silver hair contemplated the days events. He had lost his beloved and gained a powerful new weapon, a katana far greater than his lost buster sword.

But was it worth it, to lose Tareyna to gain this sword?

Sephiroth did not think so. He would much rather have his lover alive and by his side than this unique weapon laying before him.

"A silver-sheathed angel of destruction, the Sword of Heaven cuts down the unworthy with righteous fury," came an accented voice from behind him. "Truly, the Masamune has chosen its rightful wielder once more."

"Do you speak of me or do you speak of the sword?" Sephiroth asked quietly. He had known the man was behind him. "If you speak no more than nonsense, then leave me. I wish to remember my beloved in peace."

"I speak of the man _and_ the sword." A Wutaian man, wearing the red-enameled armor of the samurai, came to sit on a rock in his line of sight, keeping his hands well away from his own, much shorter katana. "A sword needs a man to wield it, control it, and a man needs a sword to cut down his enemies. Masamune is one of the few weapons capable of choosing its own master. And obviously, it has chosen you."

"Masamune." Sephiroth rolled the strange word around on his tongue, trying to decide how it felt in his mouth. The word somehow felt _right _coming from him. "Why do you speak of this sword with such reverence? It's just a sword, nothing more."

"On the contrary. Masamune is the Sword of Heaven, a weapon blessed by the gods and unmatched by anything known to Man. And such a powerful weapon can only be handled, controlled, by people with the strength of arms and spirit necessary to wield them. If you were not strong enough, Masamune would have killed you rather than allow you to swing it."

One black-gloved hand slipped down to the black-and-white pommel, wrapped securely around it and slid tight against the golden guard separating hilt from blade. Just as before, he felt a tingle race through his body when he touched the hilt. But it was not at all painful or uncomfortable; it felt welcoming, as familiar as the touch of his beloved, lost Tareyna.

Accepting.

Mako-green eyes looked to the samurai, who was smiling sadly. One white brow arched in question.

"See, young captain? Masamune has chosen you to safeguard its power and use it to bring justice to those who would stand against you."

"But if it was blessed by your ancient gods, then why has it chosen someone who is not of Wutai? I am probably the worst possible person to use this blade. You saw what I did to all those men out on the battlefield earlier."

The samurai sighed. "I cannot question the will of the blade, nor the will of the gods. Perhaps allowing the greatest of our enemy's warriors is a sign, the gods' way of saying that Wutai must join with Shinra or be destroyed, no matter how distasteful the circumstances and consequences might be. Masamune has always chosen people born with great destinies, those with the chance to accomplish great good or great evil. It has never been discriminatory in its choices, save for one factor: all of its wielders have been of Wutaian descent."

Sephiroth held up a few strands of his long silver hair. "Does it look like I am Wutaian?"

"Actually, yes. The paleness of your skin, the shape of your eyes. The grace of your step, the beauty of your sword-play. All of these characteristics point to a Wutaian influence in your blood. You and the sword are much alike, Captain. Perhaps, despite the protest I know Lord Godo will put forth, Masamune is correct in its assessment." The samurai looked towards the rising moon with sad eyes. "Wutai is ancient and proud, strong in ways no other city or region could ever match. But we are no match for Shinra's scientific might. The age of gods and mystical studies has long passed; if we are to survive, we must learn to submit to those who could destroy us. We have our descendents to think about, after all."

"Always remember the future, but never forget the past," Sephiroth murmured, looking at Tareyna's sword. Forever would her final resting place be marked by her trusted weapon.

"The wisdom of the ancients." The samurai smiled again, then rose. "Use the Masamune well, Captain. Great power always comes with great responsibility." Sephiroth nodded absently, still contemplating his lover's grave.

As he ambled away, the silver-haired captain lifted the katana from the ground and raised it to the sky, his cat-like eyes traveling up the length of the flawless blade. The stars shone sharp and pure in the liquid, silky surface.

"I don't know for sure why you chose me," he whispered. "But I _am_ going to use you. For Tareyna. I won't stop until Wutai is under Shinra's control, and all resistance is destroyed. Do you understand? Do you have any objections?"

The now-familiar tingle spread from his hands up his arms, thrumming along his spine in a long, gentle wave.

"Very well, then. Starting tomorrow, you are Masamune, the Sword of Sephiroth. And before I'm finished, you will drink deeply of the blood of my enemies. Of Wutai."

His eyes went back to the sword stuck in the ground as he stood up, holding Masamune securely at his side.

"For you, Tareyna. Only for you."

The buster sword tilted to the side slightly as he turned his back on the grave and walked away, new sword in hand.


	33. Sneaking

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Breshey's is the Gaian equivalent of Hershey's. Obviously, I don't own that either.

**Queen's Quornor: **_Aqui esta un requesto para _AmazonTurk: "Okay...chocolate syrup, Seph's tongue and kitty litter." _Que_ can I do with this one? Hmm… I think it's time we call in the Carrot-Top!

Sneaking

One quiet _beep,_ and Reno was in. He slid his slide-picks into their pocket in his jacket as he slipped inside the darkened apartment, the door hissing closed behind him.

This was a mission of utmost secrecy, requiring the greatest of care and stealth. Tseng had not sent him on this one; Reno had pinpointed the need and appointed himself to its execution without any knowledge from his boss or his partner.

This was also a mission of vengeance. A cherished item of his was missing, and evidence pointed to the apartment's occupant as having it within his possession. Reno had to sneak in, retrieve the item, and sneak back out. Without leaving any evidence of his ever having been there and without detection, of course. Professional though he was, he still had to be extremely careful. If the apartment's occupant was to ever realize that he had been within his sanctuary, his vengeance would be terrible beyond all comprehension.

Reno glanced at his watch. 8:43. He had seventeen minutes before Sephiroth was due to arrive back at his apartment.

Gliding through the living room and past the kitchen, the Turk approached the bedroom, believing that to be the most likely room to find his missing possession. Keying the door just in case (there was a lock in the knob) he stepped into Sephiroth's inner sanctum.

Blood red walls, an enormous bed with black metal for its frame, black shelves and nightstand, black desk and chair, black silk comforter and pillows, black metal trash can… It was fairly obvious what the General's favorite color was. It was also apparent that he was aware of color-contrast; around the room were little splashes of red, to match the walls. Red throw-pillows on the bed, red desk accessories, red vases on the tops of the bookcases, and things like that. What really caught Reno's attention, however, were the weapons attached to the walls, arranged around the room near the ceiling. There was an abundance of swords, but scattered between them were maces, flails, daggers, spiked chains, and other deadly weapons. None of them appeared anything more than ornamental, but all were highly-polished and eye-catching.

Much as Reno liked weapons, this was a little much for his sensibilities.

Shaking his head, the Turk slinked over to the desk, hoping to find his possession therein. Digging through the drawers resulted in some old documents, a few porno magazines, some pictures Sephiroth would probably rather keep to himself, and a few medals, but not the item which he was seeking. The nightstand yielded a few more pornos and a bottle of chocolate syrup – Reno wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know why Sephiroth had seen fit to stash a bottle of Breshey's within easy reach of his bed – but not what he was looking for.

Reno started to go for the bathroom, but a soft growling noise stopped him, along with a scraping sound. It sounded as if the General had left Masai in the bathroom and the tiger was currently scratching around in some kitty litter. _That's gotta be one hell of a big bathroom, _Reno thought.

A few more minutes of searching convinced him that his missing possession was nowhere in this bedroom. Sighing deeply, the redhead opened the door, hoping to go out and search the living room.

He froze when he heard a keycard sliding through the reader beside the front door. His watch read 9:00.

_Shit._

He only had seconds before Sephiroth entered his apartment. There was only one thing to do. Reno dove under the bed, squirming beneath the frame and praying that the overhanging comforter would hide him. As he tried to get a little comfortable, his elbow hit something soft. Something familiar.

Reno snaked his arm around it and looked at it, his face splitting into a grin. _Yes! Score!_ It was Gordy, his stuffed puppy. The very item he had been searching for. The last present his mother had given him before she had gotten sick and died.

Footsteps made him snap back to attention, and he hugged Gordy to his side, shrinking back under the bed and praying Sephiroth wouldn't see him. He could see a little from his position, but not much.

The door opened, and black-clad legs came into view. They walked around the bed to the bathroom. "Hey, Masai." A welcoming growl greeted him, and white tiger legs padded out the door. Reno prayed the tiger wouldn't give him away, and the gods must have been listening. Masai trotted out the bedroom door, followed by his master. Reno released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

But then he realized he was going to have to stay there until Sephiroth went to sleep, along with his pet.

It didn't seem like too long before the silver-haired man returned. There was a full-length mirror in Reno's line of sight, affording him a perfect view of Sephiroth undoing his coat and taking it off.

Reno had to swallow the drool suddenly filling his mouth. He was a bisexual, and had been with many beautiful women and handsome men. But Sephiroth outdid all of them. Sure, Reno had been with the gorgeous man once, but that had been a mistake, at least to the General and his second-in-command. Reno had loved every second of the drunken threesome.

_Ohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohman…_

There was not a man in SOLDIER as sculpted as Sephiroth.

Reno felt his heartbeat speeding up as more and more of the General's pale body was revealed by the mirror. It was also getting more than a little hard to keep from shifting his lower body, as a rising, hard object began competing with the press of his body against the floor. At last, Sephiroth wrapped himself in a black silk robe and went into the bathroom. Moments later, Reno heard the shower start up.

Carefully, the Turk slid out from under the bed. Keeping one eye on the bathroom door, he snuck out the door and down the hallway to the living room. At the kitchen, a low snarl stopped him in his tracks. Slowly, he turned his head. Masai was crouching over a haunch of raw chocobo, his maw red with blood. Ears laid flat against his skull, the tiger snarled again. Reno backed away slowly, as non-threateningly as he possibly could. Masai stood up stiffly, still growling. The redhead had seen that behavior from Dark Nation before, and knew that it meant the tiger was going to attack.

He maneuvered until he had a straight path to the front door, Masai circling to stay exactly opposite him. He saw the white tiger inhale deeply, saw the tell-tale movement in his throat that always meant something was about to go up in flames.

_Now!_

Reno turned and raced for the door, leaping into the air to dodge a blast of flames as he went. Punching in the button, he swung out the door and ran into the opposite wall. Shaking, his heart pounding, he couldn't help smiling as he heard a loud _bong!_ – the welcome sound of a tiger head ramming into a metal door. Flipping off the General's door, Gordy tucked securely inside his jacket, Reno strolled off down the hall towards the stairs, and his own quarters.

"What is it, Masai?" Sephiroth asked, coming into the living room and scrubbing at his wet hair with a towel. He had been alerted to something being wrong when Masai had snarled and then a loud banging sound had come from the direction of the front door. Picking at his teeth with his tongue, the silver-haired man had to choke back a surprised laugh when he beheld his tiger. Masai was sitting with his back to the door, rubbing at his head with one massive paw. Sephiroth could swear that the tiger looked like a child denied a piece of tasty candy. Very put-out.

So Reno had gotten out without getting burned. Sephiroth had to hand it to the redhead; not many people could have ever made it into his apartment unwelcomed and gotten out so easily. And to have stolen back something he himself had stolen? Amazing!

And what had given the Turk away?

Sephiroth strolled to the kitchen and threw away a long strand of red hair. He reason he kept all his bedroom furnishings and blankets, including the rug, black was because he could easily tell when someone other than he had been in there. Silver hair showed up very well against black, but so did blond and red.

_Especially_ red.

No matter how sneaky he was, Reno always left a calling card wherever he went. A prolific shedder, he was never even aware of the fact that he could be tracked by his hair.


	34. The Finger

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **An original, for once! I love the requests, but this idea's been floating around in my head for awhile. And now that the site's being (ahem!) difficult, and I can't access my reviews to look at requests, I have an opportunity to do this. Even better timing, because Seph's out somewhere, and I'd rather he not know what I'm writing at the moment. Bad memories, you understand. No, not _that _kind of memory. Just imagining Hojo doing that is..._yeeeeewwwwww!!!_ (shudders violently). This is something all men have to go through sooner or later, no matter who they are.

The Finger

So many years in this pristine hell… Strapped to shining metal tables, poked and prodded by needles filled with nameless glowing substances, sliced with knives and examined by probes. His throat raw and bleeding from the screams ripped from his lungs, completely ignored by his tormentors. Blurry, half-recalled images of operations and procedures, of scraping sensations inside his skull and painful squishings within his abdomen and chest. Long hours of weakness, of inability to move, while a needle and thin tube stole away his blood.

And so many years of that insane cackle, rasping inside his head and always – _always! _– accompanied by agonizing pain.

He had been trapped in these labs for a decade and a half. Fifteen years of unceasing pain, of inhumane experiments and a total lack of empathy and sympathy from the scientists. They didn't care what was done to him; to Hojo and his team, he was just another scientific specimen they could study. Something less than human that they would practically tear apart in their efforts at understanding, improving, and experimenting.

Sephiroth was grateful to the SOLDIER program for one thing, and one thing only: it had been his escape from that sterile white nightmare.

But he still had to fight to keep from suffering a panic attack every single time he had to come down here.

"Ah, General Sephiroth." Hojo's thin voice scraped along his nerves as he walked into the examination room, as reluctantly as ever. "How are you today? Ready for some tests?"

Sephiroth did not deign to answer that question. Both he and Hojo knew that he was only here under extreme duress.

"Well, if you will strip down, we can begin." The professor reached for a clipboard and removed some papers from Sephiroth's file, clipping them into place. Turning back to the silver-haired man, he frowned when he saw that he had not moved. "General, a physical entails that you be undressed while I examine you."

Yellow-green eyes narrowed, but the leather-clad arms remained folded, their owner defiant.

"Do not make me get the shock-prod again, General." Hojo smiled coldly. "You always hated that when you were young."

_I._ _Hate. You._ Sephiroth had never been able to understand why he obeyed the skinny, greasy scientist. He was one of the most dangerous beings on the planet, capable of snapping Hojo in half with his bare hands, but the professor could effectively control him however and whenever he wanted.

He had no idea that one of the operations Hojo and his team had performed on him had been to place a chip in his brain to help control him. To prevent him from turning on them.

The Shinra scientists were cruel, but they were not stupid.

His coat hung on a peg and his pants neatly folded on a handy chair, Sephiroth was reduced to standing in the middle of the examination room wearing only his boxer shorts while Hojo looked at him like a piece of meat.

"Well, shall we begin with the blood pressure and temperature?" Rolling his eyes, Sephiroth seated himself on the stainless steel table and willingly submitted to the creepy Wutaian's examination. The only way he could ever get through this was to imagine various ways of brutally murdering Hojo.

The methods got more creative with every physical, every week.

"Roll onto your stomach, General." Hojo reached for a certain tube. "And lower your drawers while you're at it."

Up to fifteen scenarios of horrible, gruesome death for the greasy, creepy scientist.

At _once. _

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Zack was flipping through a magazine when Sephiroth returned to his office, a few hours later. Glancing up, the black-haired SOLDIER had to smother a sudden urge to laugh. The esteemed General was walking in a very distinctive fashion, with a most uncomfortable look on his face.

"Got the finger, didn't you?"

In return, he got the meanest death-glare he had ever seen. "Shut up. It's your turn tomorrow."


	35. Girl Talk

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Ok, normally I would be going in order here. But my latest request, from mystic1 and her husband, was enough to wake up the muses and breathe some life into my sleep-denied skull. I'm doing a dinner request chapter now, but that one's not cooperating and may take a day or two. So to tide you all over, here's mystic1's request: "What if all the female secretaries were having a little girl talk about who was better in bed? Sephiroth, Zack, or Reno? Just a really perverted idea. I can almost see one secretary voting for Reno because he's bi and would bring another guy into bed! That last idea was from my husband, have fun if you can!" I believe I can work with this, and thank your husband for me for interpreting Reno's tastes PERFECTLY! And I suppose I have an obligation to warn you. This chapter will be kept T rated, but it's a little racy. Like, borderline T/M. And I have to thank AmazonTurk for one of the quotes in here. She'll know which one I mean; it came from a discussion about Rude and Reno. And contrary to what I type here, I really don't support the whole RenoxRude pairing. They just come off more as friends to me rather than lovers.

Girl Talk

"So Valerie, you had a date with Zack last night?"

"He was so sweet. He took me to eat, and then we went back to his apartment for movies. And he actually didn't complain when I made him watch a chick flick!"

"Did you and he do the nasty?"

"Felisha, give me more credit than that. Of course we did!"

"Oh my god, girl! You are so lucky! What was it like?"

"Now Christine, you know a lady doesn't kiss and tell."

"Val, none of us are ladies. We're secretaries. Screwing hot guys around the office is in our contracts. So, tell!"

"Technically, she works in the daycare with Trent…"

"Shut up, Lizla."

"Well, ok. He was _so good _in bed! I swear, I must've hit the ceiling at least a dozen times before he finally did!"

"Does he have any fetishes?"

"Like shoes or spanking or chocolate or anything?"

"Ew! Why would a guy like spanking?"

"Lizla, shut up!"

"He has a chest fixation. Constantly touching them and kissing them and everything. I swear, I still have bite marks."

"He's a vampire?"

"LIZLA!!!"

"So what's his package like?"

"Think salami. You know, those big, thick ones you can buy at the butcher's?"

"Oooooo…"

"Girl, Zack couldn't hold a _candle _next to Sephiroth!"

"So you've scored with the General, Christine?"

"Right in his office, Felisha. Check this: the General called me into his office one day, says he's got some papers for me. Out of the blue, he starts rubbing my ass! I ask him what he's doing, and he says he's trying to get laid! Now what's a girl to do when a damn gorgeous man like that comes onto her? Girls, let me tell you; I been with a lot of men around this building. But _none_ of 'em could possibly compare to General Sephiroth!"

"You could have told him no…"

"Lizla, that's never an option."

"Details, Chris! Details!"

"First of all, that man is built like a brick shithouse. I have never seen a better Adonis! Second of all, he's got this real aggressive approach that just gets a girl creaming before she knows what's for. But it's all just an act; he's actually really thoughtful and good in bed. No, not good; out-of-this-world, mind-blowingly _unbelievable. _Do you know how hard it was to keep from screaming while I was in that office?"

"Holy shit, I may have to get some of that! What about his trouser snake, though?"

"Sephiroth keeps a snake in his pants?"

"Lizla, is there even a brain in that skull?"

"Val, that man does not have a trouser snake. He's got a friggin' trouser _anaconda_."

"Ok, that settles it. I am going to get me some."

"Actually, you want to know the wildest man there is?"

"Who is it, Felisha?"

"Reno. I've been in that redhead's bed more than a few times, and every single time he always manages to spring a surprise of some kind on me."

"Like what?"

"Flavored massage oil, edible underpants, for me of course, ticklers, feathers, ropes and chains, handcuffs, chocolate… One time, he even arranged for his partner to be there with us!"

"You mean that bald guy, Rude?"

"That'd be him. Reno and I took turns being the center of the Oreo. Oh man, I have yet to find a man who can make me scream like Reno can."

"That must have been one big cookie."

"Lizla?"

"Yes, Chris?"

"You're an idiot."

"So how's the equipment on them?"

"Reno's good. He's average, but he can really use that tool! Better than someone like Zack or Sephiroth, I bet."

"And Rude?"

"Let's just say that all those rumors about men with big feet are true in his case."

"_Whoa_."

"Shit, I may have to track him down some night soon."

"If you aren't getting your bones jumped by Zack, you mean."

"Hey, we aren't going steady. What he doesn't know won't kill him."

"A bullet would."

"I swear, in her case the lights are on, but the house has been abandoned for years."

"Hey Lizla?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you been with any of them?"

"No."

"You mean you haven't slept with Reno, Zack, or Sephiroth?"

"Nope."

"Haven't they asked you? I mean, a brainless cutie like you gets attention all the time around the cubicles. Surely at least Reno's propositioned you."

"No, he hasn't."

"There's got to be someone you're seeing. Someone who can totally rock your world."

"Well, there is someone…"

"So there is someone! Spill it; who is he?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"We've told you who we've screwed. Now it's your turn."

"Tell us, Lizla!"

"C'mon, who is he?"

"Rufus. And from what I'm hearing, he's ten times better in bed than anyone else in this company."


	36. Daddykins

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **The dinner chapter is getting worked on, I swear! But I got a request via PM from lioness78, and had to do it before I cleaned out my mailbox. She said, and I quote, "alright here's one don't know what you think but with as much sex as they seem to get what if one of the girls around came up pregers course being with all three they're all oh shit about who the daddy is course it's not any of them but can see them having attacks or something." Obviously, I did nothing to edit that. I usually don't. My apologies. Let's see what I can do with this, shall we?

Daddy-kins

Sephiroth, Zack, and Reno were gathered in a tiny examination room, each passing the infinite time in their own fashions. Zack was seated in an ugly plastic chair, bent so he could rest his elbows on his knees and his chin on his folded hands. He seemed to be praying. Sephiroth was standing by the window, playing with his hair. Reno was pacing in the tiny space between the examination table and the row of cabinets, occasionally tugging at his ponytail.

The tension was nearly unbearable.

"Will you stop pacing and just _stand still?_" Sephiroth finally snarled, rounding on the edgy Turk. "That is ten times more irritating than this infernal waiting game!"

"Well, I wouldn't have this problem if Reyna had told us she was off the pill!" Reno snapped back.

"I was not aware that you only slept with women who were using birth control," the silver-haired man sneered.

"At least my lays go after me for more than my power and wealth. None of my conquests have ever been gold-diggers, unlike yours, yo!"

"They only go after you because they couldn't get with myself or Zack!"

"Can it! Both of you!" Zack slammed his hands down on his knees and glared at the offending men. "Look, all of us slept with Reyna. We were all with her sometime around the last time she ovulated. And all three of us have a chance at being the father of her baby. So until Dr. Quorra gets the results to us, why don't we just stay off each other's throats?"

"You sound like you actually want to be this kid's father," Reno muttered, leaning against the cabinets.

"I want kids, that's true. But I'm hardly ready to be a good father yet. And Reyna is not the type of woman I would want to spend my life with, either. I don't want that test to match me anymore than you do."

"None of us want to have a baby with Reyna." Sephiroth combed his fingers through his hair, a sure sign that he was uneasy. "She's one of the hottest women in SOLDIER, but she also has one of the worst personalities. Definitely not the type of woman I would want to bear my child."

"I hear ya, yo. A real bitch in both senses of the word."

"How a woman like her got into SOLDIER I have no idea," Zack grumbled. "I plead temporary insanity as my reason for bringing her back to my quarters."

"_She _seduced _me_. Very few women can manage that. I was intrigued."

"I just wanted a look at her jugs, yo."

The room fell quiet for a moment, then the two SOLDIERs nodded in agreement.

"She does have great melons."

"Agreed."

Zack bounced his knees restlessly. "So, if it turns out you are the father of Reyna's baby what would you do? I have no idea what I'd do."

"I'd pay her off as much money as I had to to take care of the kid, yo. I may not want the brat, but I don't want it have the life I tried so hard to escape from."

Zack and Sephiroth both threw surprised looks at the Turk, who refused to meet their gazes. He looked pensive, yet determined.

"I know Reyna would dump any kid of hers into the slums, and I know what'll happen if she does that. No kid deserves that life. If that kid turns out to be mine, I'm going to do whatever I can to take care of it, even if it means marrying that bitch."

"I would also do right by her." Sephiroth twisted a lock of silver hair around one gloved finger. "Reyna is not fit to be a mother. I may not be the best father material there is, but I would not abandon any child of mine to a woman like her."

Zack was silent, then nodded.

"Yeah, me too."

Silence shrouded the trio once more, until it was broken by Reno. He kicked the examination table, frustrated. "Where the hell is that doctor, yo? This wait is driving me crazy!"

"The doctor is in." The door opened and a young man in a lab coat entered the room, followed by a blond woman dressed in a SOLDIER uniform. She shoved past the doctor and Zack to seat herself primly on the examination table, completely ignoring the glares the three dangerous men were shooting her. The doctor raised a brow, then examined his clipboard.

"Well, the physical examination performed by Dr. Quorra Lexaeus shows that Sergeant Reyna is eight weeks pregnant. The fetal examination showed no abnormalities, and the tests on the mother are likewise ordinary. Barring unforeseeable circumstance, I see no reason why this baby shouldn't have a perfectly normal term and delivery."

"Doctor, we all want a single question asked," Sephiroth said from his corner. "What did the paternity test reveal?"

"Well, it should first be stated that you three are not the only men from whom we obtained genetic samples. Sergeant Reyna had sexual relations with a total of seven men during her fertile period, so the tests took awhile to run. However, the results are indisputable."

The blond witch threw a victorious look at Sephiroth. He refused to look at her, preferring to play with his hair. Zack had his hands folded in prayer again, violet eyes intent upon the doctor's clipboard. Reno crossed his arms and started chewing his bottom lip, keeping his distance from Reyna.

"Lieutenant-Sergeant Zack. You are not the father."

The eyes closed, and the black-haired man exhaled in relief.

"Reno of the Turks. You are not the father."

Reno's fist shot into the air, a victorious gesture if ever there was one.

"General Sephiroth…"

Reyna smiled evilly, sending a shudder up the silver-haired man's spine.

"You are not the father."

"What?!" Reyna shot up from the table.

"Yes!!!" Sephiroth punched the air. "Yes yes yes yes _yes!_"

"There must be some mistake!" The woman snatched the clipboard from the doctor's hands, furiously looking over the test results. "This _can't_ be right!"

"We ran the results twice, Sergeant. There is no mistake."

"If none of us are the father, then who is?" Zack broke in, causing Reyna to round on him, her emerald eyes flashing.

"That's none of your damned business!"

"You dragged us into this, Sergeant. We have a right to know who really fathered your child." Sephiroth gestured to the physician. "Tell us, doctor."

The doctor cleared his throat, taking the clipboard back from Reyna with some effort. "The father of Sergeant Reyna's child is..." His brows rose, and a short laugh burst from his mouth. Reyna threw him a hateful glare.

"What's so funny?"

The doctor continued to laugh, and suddenly understanding filled her eyes. "Don't you dare tell them. Don't you dare!"

"Please, share the test results with us, doctor." Sephiroth was smirking now, his arms folded across his chest. "Tell us what you find so amusing. Who is the father?"

"Palmer."

The room was silent for a moment, then three different voices raised in laughter.

"Quite a catch, Sergeant!" Zack howled.

"Good luck!" Reno congratulated.

"I shall give my condolences to Palmer," Sephiroth said, opening the door.

They laughed all the more upon hearing Reyna screaming for another paternity test as they left.


	37. Allergy

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **The computer gods must hate me. That dinner chapter I was working on got completely deleted when the computer crashed. So now I have to start over from scratch. _Joy_. Anyway, to tide you all over, here's the next chronological request, from RedSeraph: "Why don't you do Seph with food allergies too, and have his face swell up like Hitch?" Well, I've never seen Hitch, but I think I can work with this anyway. Now, what would Sephiroth be allergic too by way of edibles? Hmmm... Ok, I think I have something here.

Allergic

"Zack, why don't you try the lobster?" Sephiroth inquired, looking over his menu. "It's pricey, but very good. This restaraunt makes the best lobster in town."

The black-haired SOLDIER rolled his eyes. "Seph, you know I'm allergic to shellfish. Unless you want me to break out in hives and shit, I'll have to refuse your recommendation."

"Come now, Zack," Scarlet cooed over the top of her menu, batting her eyes at him. "Surely your little allergy is not _that _bad."

"I'm afraid it is, Scarlet." Reeve folded his menu and laid it atop the table. "Zack is severely allergic to shellfish, but that is the only allergy from which he suffers."

Sephiroth raised one brow in question. "And you would know this, how?"

"The cafeteria once served crab cakes for lunch. After he used his Epi-Pen, I had to escort him down to the hospital level so he could recieve medical attention."

Scarlet smiled coldly. "So you know all of the allergies of every major worker or high-ranking SOLDIER in the company, Reeve?"

"Well..."

Rufus took a sip of his wine. "That is not a part of his job description, Scarlet. But since he spends so much time in the company of the higher-ups, Reeve was told to memorize the allergies of the bigwigs of Shinra, SOLDIERs included."

"So what sort of allergies are you privy to, Reeve?" Zack asked, signaling to the waiter that they were ready to order.

"Mostly run-of-the-mill allergies. However, there are a few amusing, or abnormal ones lurking among us. Lobster with fettacini alfredo on the side."

"Care to share some of them?" Sephiroth inquired. "Shrimp Alfredo, with extra shrimp."

"Crab legs." Rufus glared at the Head of Urban Development. "Do not tell them my allergies, if you value your job."

"We already know about your little allergy, sir." Scarlet skimmed the menu, then pointed something out to the waiter. "That."

"I can live without knowing your allergies, sir. It's everyone else I'm curious about. Fried catfish." Zack gathered up the menus and handed them to the waiter, who took them and headed off to the kitchen.

"Fine, then. Guess who is allergic to pepper?"

"Heideggar. I found that out when I pranked him a few years ago." Sephiroth smiled in memory. "It was not a very pretty sight, but well worth the effort."

"So that was you? Nevermind. Who is allergic to chocobo feathers?"

"President Shinra?" Zack asked.

"Actually, that would be Palmer."

"I'm allergic to bullshit. Literally and figuratively," Scarlet announced.

"What about Hojo? What's he allergic to?" Rufus wondered.

"Just about everything. There is very little that he is _not _allergic to."

"Well, that is certainly useful." Sephiroth grabbed a piece of bread from the basket in the middle of the table and bit into it...

Then started choking.

After a quick application of the Heimlich Manuever by Zack, a piece of well-chewed bread was shot across the table into Scarlet's cleavage. While she shrieked about it, the others watched in morbid fascination as hives broke out across the General's flawless skin and his face swelled up like a balloon. He did not require the usage of his friend's Epi-Pen, but he certainly wasn't looking his best.

"What the hell was in that bread?" he gasped, attempting to hide his face behind his hair.

"Ummm..." Reeve bit his lip. "F-French onions."

"French onions?" Sephiroth collapsed back in his chair. "The one thing I'm allergic to, and they serve it here. Wonderful. The media will be all over this when they see me."

"Seph, I hate to tell you this, but they're all over you anyway. You're Shinra's great General, the best SOLDIER there is. Hardly a day goes by that you're _not _in the papers." Zack inspected his friend's blotchy, swollen face, then shook his head. "Although, I think this might make front-page news. The public will never believe that the great General Sephiroth is allergic to _onions_."


	38. Cousin!

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **I must make apologies to String-Home of Tolea; somehow, I managed to miss her request to be put into the fic. I don't know how I missed it, but I did and I am sorry. I hope she doesn't mind this, but here are her exact specifications: "Hey, could I be in one? I am a rough and tumble girl with dark, darker purple hair(that CANNOT be tamed!)dark, caribbean skin, and golden hazel eyes. I work with electronics, and have a weakness for good adventure novels,my DS, and canines.I love music, but I am very shy about my voice. I love japanese music(which would be wutaian in ff7), and I listen to pop, rock, and metal of the japanese variety. I also listen to funny music, like the emo kid song, or "if you were gay" from Avenue Q.I would most likly  
1) be a friend of Zacks( do not add "with benifits)  
2)working for Shinra, in tha actual working department  
3)or walking around in the city with men's clothes, grease all over me, and a huge wrench.

She also mentioned in a later review that she resembled Dark from DNAngel. Anyway, it is time I made amends! So here you are, String, under an alias and working for Shinra in the appropriate department. Well actually, it was either this or the computer department. And the coin-flip got this one. Will you be a reacurring character, like Masai or the secretaries? We shall see... If the readers like you, that is. And yes, I am jumping around the timeline here. It's intentional.

Cousin!

Sephiroth was filling out the usual mountain of paperwork when he suddenly caught a whiff of gasoline and engine-grease, followed soon after by the lyrical tune of "The Internet is for Porn." _What the hell is Zack doing now?_ he wondered, recognizing one of the voices serenading in the hallway.

Moments later, he had an answer. Zack bounced into his office with a wide smile on his face, followed at a more sedate pace by a dark-skinned woman in grease-smeared, denim overalls, a toolbelt fastened around her slim hips and her purple hair tied back in a rough ponytail. The scent of jet fuel was suddenly twice as strong as before, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where it was coming from. Folding his hands and ignoring the fumes wafting from the woman's overalls, Sephiroth leveled a Look at his second-in-command. "Who is this, Zackary?"

"Seph, I want you to meet my cousin Truhlla. I just found out that she's joined Shinra as an airship mechanic. Isn't that great?"

Truhlla was looking at the silver-haired man with unreadable eyes, measuring him even as he sat behind his desk to find out if he could be trusted. Sephiroth returned that gaze in full measure, unwilling to relinquish his intimidating posture just because the woman wasn't impressed. Zack looked between them, his smile tight and forced.

"C'mon, Truhlla. You can trust him," he said through his teeth, quietly.

At last, the mechanic relaxed her stance and approached the desk, offering her hand in greeting. "Hello, General. I am Truhlla Moresson, assistant to Cid Highwind."

"If you are the esteemed captain's assistant, then what are you doing here at Shinra? Aren't you supposed to be working at the launch site?" he inquired, taking her hand and shaking it.

"I came back with one of the trucks to deliver a defective section of the fuel tank. Until the section is replaced with a new one and strapped into place, I have some free time."

"I met her in the mess hall," Zack butted in. "I had no idea she was working for Shinra too. But it was a nice surprise. I haven't seen Truhlla since I was twelve and her parents moved out of Gongaga."

"And then you decided to bring her up to meet me."

"Yep. She was my best friend when I was little, so I decided to let her meet my adult best friend." He beamed at the bemused General. "There's even a chance she might be going with us on that peace-keeping mission in Wutai next week."

"The _Highwind_ is to be entrusted to my care. She's the Captain's baby, and I'm the only one he trusts to mess around with her engines." Truhlla took a wrench from her belt and flipped it into the air, catching it easily. "So if that is the ship you get assigned to, you'll be dealing with me."

"Well, rest assured that we won't be touching the _Highwind's_ engines. We will be too busy preparing to deal with the rebels," Sephiroth reassured her, taking up his pen and pulling another paper to him. "It was nice meeting you, Truhlla. Now if you will excuse me, I have some paperwork that urgently needs finishing."

"Likewise, I'm sure." Truhlla started to turn and leave the office, but then a Third Class SOLDIER came running into the room, slamming into the mechanic and bowling her to the ground before Zack could do anything. As she fell, the wrench went flying out of her hand.

Directly for Sephiroth's face.

He watched it flip end-over-end, frozen in place, almost in slow-motion. He only had time to mutter "Shit" before impact.

Then he was on the ground, his chair having fallen over backwards, carrying him with it. The wrench had bounced off his skull to continue on its way through the window behind him, and was currently plummeting to the ground outside. Idly, he wondered if someone was going to get killed when it made touchdown. Then he was somewhat distracted by the splitting pain that suddenly erupted in his head. His hands flew to his face, and he let out an ear-splitting shout of pain.

Sure, he'd had worse wounds. But he'd also never been smacked in the face by a large, airship-issue wrench before.

"Gods, Seph! Are you all right?" he heard Zack yell. It sounded like the younger man was running over to him.

"Oh gods! I'm so sorry!" the Third Class apologized.

"Get off me, you idiot!" Truhlla shouted. "Let me see him!"

Stong, gentle hands pried his hands away from his face, and Zack's visage came into view. "Oh man... C'mon, Seph. We gotta get you to the hospital level."

"General, I am so sorry! If that idiot had just watched where he was going..."

"Well, if this broad hadn't been standing there..."

"Will you two _shut up?_ We have to get him to a doctor, now! Cuz, will you help me? Private Tompson, return to your unit. I'll be seeing you later, with an appropriate punishment in mind."

Through the blood that was beginning to cloud his vision, Sephiroth saw the SOLDIER pale, then race out the door. Zack got under one of his arms, Truhlla under the other. Both grabbed the opposite side of his belt, under his coat, and hauled him up. Before he blacked out, he felt them start dragging him out of the office.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

A few hours later, Zack was holding a potion-soaked gauze pad against his forehead and the bridge of his nose, and he had strict orders to not move his head or upper body under any circumstances until his wound was healed, or he would black out again. Truhlla was sitting beside the exam table, her hands clasped tightly between her knees.

"I am so sorry, General," she said for the fifth time.

He waved her off. "It was an accident, Truhlla. You couldn't have helped it."

"I still feel guilty, though."

"Would you have preferred to whang me in the face with a wrench, cuz?" Zack asked, lifted the pad to check the wound. He frowned and put it back down a moment later.

She smirked. "Actually, I've done that before. But it wasn't an accident, that time."

"Oh yeah. That was the time I accidentaly destroyed your go-cart, wasn't it?"

"That was no accident, either. You wired dynamite to it, and blew it up!"

"Where's your proof, huh? There's no proof I did that! The gas tank exploded!"

She gave him a Look. "I found the wires, cuz. And a witness."

Zack stuck his tongue out at her, then removed the pad again, changing it with a fresh one. Sephiroth suddenly chuckled, recieving two quizzical looks in return.

"What's so funny, Seph?" the black-haired man asked.

"I have found unequivocal evidence that you two are definately family, that's all."

"And what would this evidence be?" Truhlla inquired, a suspicious note in her voice.

"You both certainly know how to make one hell of a first impression."


	39. Hojo's Little Secret

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Decided to do something original, for once. I love the requests, but I got this idea while I was watching "Doom." In fact, I'm still watching it while I'm typing this. Forgive me if some parts turn out choppy; my attention is a little diverted. Those numbers on the clipboard I used are from another fic of mine, "The End of My Life as I Know It." I like a little consistency in my fics. But before I get to the fic, I have to give some thanks to those of you who have been reading this. I'm nowhere near finished with this fic, and already it's ten times as popular as any of my other fics. More than 15,000 hits, 221 reviews, 32 favorites and 41 alerts? For a small-timer like me, that is pretty damn good! A big thank you and a box of cookies to everyone who has read this fic! OK, enough of my Oscar-ranting. On with the fic!

Secrets

"Now tell me again: what exactly did you see in here that outdid all the horrors that routinely occur here?" Sephiroth inquired of Reno, his arms crossed over his chest as he awaited the redhead's opening of the laboratory. It was nearly one o'clock in the morning, and Reno had dragged the General out of his bed and down here in order to "show him something really freaky."

It had been a long day, he was bone-tired, and about ready to kill Reno if he didn't show him something freakier than the usual experimental crap Hojo worked with.

No, Sephiroth did _not_ have much patience for the Turk's antics at the moment.

The door hissed open as Reno's slide-pick finished its work, and he stood up with a satisfied smile, cracking his stiff back before twirling the pick between his fingers and slipping it back into its appropriate place in his jacket. With a flourish, he gestured for the General to enter the lab.

Scowling, Sephiroth didn't move a muscle. After a moment, Reno rolled his eyes and went through the door. Once he was through, the older man deigned to follow him.

"So where is this 'freaky thing' you wanted to show me?" he asked, trailing the Turk between the cages and glass containment cells.

"Over here." Reno wove around a few blood-spattered examination tables and health-monitors, then ducked behind a wall. Sephiroth eyed a Marlboro floating in a vat of preservation fluid as he followed him, displaying the scars and fresh cuts that spoke of Hojo's tender, loving care. Grimacing at the hated memories the scene dredged up, he joined the Turk at another door on the opposite side of the lab. Reno gave him a quick glance as he worked at the card-slide-reader, then stood up as the door slid open. Sephiroth raised one brow in surprise as he noted the retinal scanner and DNA reader.

"How did you get past that?"

"False eye, and I managed to get a DNA sample from Hojo earlier."

"Dare I ask how?"

Reno gave him a dead-serious look over his shoulder. "You don't wanna know."

Sephiroth let it slide. He had enough nightmares as it was.

Reno hit the lights as they entered the room, bathing their surroundings in the eerie green glow of mako-lights. Sephiroth blinked at the change in light...

Then his jaw hit the floor as he took in the contents of the room.

There were at least three dozen mako tanks circled around the room in three separate rings. And in each tank was a naked child, either male or female.

Each of these people had hair of some sort of silver hue, and a numerical tattoo on the inside of their right forearm.

"Did you know about these?" Reno asked, leaning against the inside of the door-jam with his arms and legs crossed.

Sephiroth slowly shook his head.

"I was snooping around in here when I found them. They're all tattooed on the backs of their necks, too. Numbered 2 through 37. Look an awful lot like you, don't they?"

Dazed, the General approached a female with multicolored, ankle-length silver hair. "Clones?"

"Clones." Reno shook some hair out of his eyes. "I don't know why Hojo created them, but they're here nevertheless."

_So this is what he's been doing with all those DNA samples he's taken from me over the years. _Sephiroth roamed between the tanks, stunned at how many variations there were on _him. _Both male and female, with every style of hair, height, and muscle tone imaginable. And attached to each mako tank was a health monitor, tracking heart-rate, oxygen levels, and blood pressure. There was also a chart on each tank. He picked one of these up.

"'Subject number 15. Identification number: 15-223-1997. Name: Kadaj.'" He looked at the boy in the tank, a slender specimen with steel-colored hair that flipped over one eye. "Why would he do something like this? Weren't the experiments on me enough for him?"

Reno came over and put a hand on the General's shoulder. Sephiroth almost jumped; only Zack had ever had the audacity to invade his personal space with a non-intimate gesture. Almost... _friendly. _"You know Hojo, General. He's an absolute nut-case. Just can't let dead dogs lie." He looked around at the slumbering clones, his aqua eyes sympathetic and sad. Far wiser than he normally appeared. "It's a real pity these kids are alive, knowing what Hojo probably has planned for them. C'mon, General. We gotta vamoose."

Sephiroth looked around the room one more time before following Reno out the door. He knew all too well what Hojo probably had in mind for these poor kids. Too well indeed.

They would all be better off dead.


	40. Meet My Girlfriend

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **I have a request to do! It comes from Retro Lamb, who typed "Anyway if you find time for anymore requests it would be interesting to have Zack introduce Sephiroth to Aeris and Elymra maybe over dinner or something and maybe with a side of Cloud and the white tiger Masai." Well Retro Lamb, it's your lucky day. I think I can work with this one! Sorry this thing took so long. It really wasn't working, no matter what I did with it. So I ended up cutting out a lot of the evening I had originally planned. Sorry!

Meet My Girlfriend

"Remind me why I ever agreed to this," Sephiroth grumbled to Zack, following him through the winding, rubble-strewn streets of Sector Six.

The black-haired SOLDIER flashed a grin at his superior as they passed a group of cadets boozing near one of the pipes leading to Sector Seven. One of them was crowned with a set of blond spikes, strangely reminiscent of a chocobo. He simply watched the pair as they passed by, not paying a lick of attention to the foolish cadets. "Because Elymra makes the best roast I have ever tasted, and you're sick and tired of the cafeteria's 'food.'" Zack clapped a hand on the taller man's shoulder. "C'mon, Seph. I'd really like you to meet my new girlfriend, and I know for a fact she's been wanting to meet you. Elymra wants to meet you too; seems to think that there has to be someone responsible watching over her precious baby girl while she's with a certain rowdy First Class."

"A sentiment well-justified, if your past relationships are any indication," Sephiroth noted dryly. "So how much further is it to this girlfriend's house?"

"Not too far at all, actually." Zack glanced down at the white feline padding along beside its master on a leash. "Did you really have to bring Masai with you?"

"Of course. He wants something better than the cafeteria's 'meet.'" The older man ran an affectionate hand over the tiger's hindquarters. "Would it bother Elymra to have a genetically-altered, fire-breathing white tiger in her home for dinner?"

"I dunno. You'd have to ask her that yourself." Zack led him to a cozy, two-story cottage with gingerbread trim along the front porch. "This is her house. Now be on your best behavior, ok?"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "I think I know how to make a good impression, Zack."

"I was talking to Masai. But the same command applies to you too, Seph." Sephiroth opened his mouth to retort, but Zack waved him into silence by knocking on the door.

After a short moment, the door was unlocked and opened by a pretty young woman with honey-brown hair and eyes the color of new leaves. She was clad in a white dress with pink trim, and her hair was pulled back in a neat braid. "Zack! You're earlier than we expected."

"Is this a problem, sweetheart?" he asked, putting on his most 'poor, pathetic, pity me' expression. It never failed to gain sympathy from the gentler sex, and this woman was no exception. She broke into a warm, bashful smile.

"No, it's not a problem. I'm just used to you being a bit late, that's all." She opened the door further, admitting her guests into the residence. "Make yourselves comfortable. Dinner will be ready presently." Her smile was soon augmented by a blush, as Zack kissed her cheek as he entered the house to set his buster sword down in an out-of-the-way cornor, encouraging Sephiroth to do the same.

She went to the stove, where a middle-aged woman with red hair was taking something out of the oven. "Mother, Zack's here with his friend."

"Thank you, Aerith. Will you get the vegetables, please?" The woman turned, and nearly dropped the pan of meat when she saw Masai. "Good heavens, what is that tiger doing in here?"

"Elymra, this is Masai. He belongs to my friend General Sephiroth here." Ever the peacekeeper, Zack put an arm around the girl's waist as she set the steamed veggies on the table. "Seph, this is Elymra Gainsborough and my girlfriend, her daughter Aerith."

"It is an honor," the silver-haired man said with a nod of his head.

"Likewise, General. Rarely do we have such an important guest in our humble home." The woman smiled and put the roast beside the vegetables.

Aerith looked at Masai, then went to the refrigerator and pulled out a package of raw chocobo meat. Looking at Sephiroth for permission, which was granted with another nod, she approached the tiger with the meat on a plate and set it down beside the table. Masai purred happily, then set about devouring the meat. The humans soon followed his lead, seating themselves at the table and helping themselves to the fine repast.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

A few hours later, the two friends were leaving the cozy house. Sephiroth and Masai waited at the edge of the property while Zack said good-bye to Aerith. It was taking longer than expected, and the silver-haired man strongly suspected that his friend was kissing her good-night.

He rolled his eyes as Zack finally appeared, a smug grin on his face. "So what did you think of Aerith and Elymra?"

Sephiroth shrugged, thinking back to the sweet, empathic woman and her kindly mother. They were among the few people who had truly accepted him without reservation, treating him like a normal human being. One memory in particular came to mind, the moment when Aerith had put her hand on his shoulder while asking him a question, giving him her signature warm smile as she did so.

Very few people in his lifetime had done that. Zack was the only other person who had ever treated him as a friend, rather than a loaded bomb due to go off at any second. And even for the black-haired man, it had taken a few weeks before he got that comfortable around him.

Aerith had achieved that level of comfort in only a few hours.

"You know, I think I want to go back there for dinner again sometime soon."


	41. Safety Regulation

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Reminder to all readers! If you want this fic to reach the goal of 100 chapters, then I need some help from you! Specifically, I need more requests and challenges! I can come up with my own ideas, but I'd still like to know what you all would like to see Seph, Zack, Reno, and all the others get involved in. All for the purpose of showing exactly how human Sephiroth can be when he's not insane. So, send 'em in and I'll see what I can do with 'em! And speaking of requests, here's one from Battle Theater, signed I.K.A. Valian: "I challenge you to write a scenario involving: A sparring match, Frying Pans, Flying Pigs, and monkeys." Ok, I got some help with this one. I was laughing over the possibilities of this request while my dad was in the room, and he inquired as to what I was laughing about. So I read the request to him, and he actually had a very good idea for me. Try and pick out what was his great idea if you can!

Safety Regulation

"So let me get this straight. We're not allowed to use our swords inside the building anymore?" Zack asked, his expression a study in pure disbelief.

Sephiroth nodded. "I'm no happier about it than you are. But it seems the medical department is sick of recruits and SOLDIERs coming in with life-threatening cuts and slashes from simple sparring matches. So they complained to the President, and this was the end result. I saw the document myself, and it was authentic."

"So what are we supposed to practice with? Wooden swords?"

"No. Seems those are as dangerous as the metal ones for injuring one's opponents. Too hard of a strike can knock someone out or break an arm or something."

"Foam padded bats?"

"Same reason."

"Well, what the hell are we supposed to use, then?" Zack threw his hands up in the air, thoroughly disgusted. "We are sword-fighters. We normally do not use hand-to-hand unless we have no other choice!"

"Fists and feet are also banned in the gym. For the exact same reasons as wooden and padded practice weapons. As for what we are supposed to use for practice..." The General walked over to a covered weapons-rack on the wall and, with a flourish, yanked the covering off it, unveiling the weapons underneath.

The younger man's jaw hit the floor with an audible _clunk. _

"Frying pans?"

"Frying pans," Sephiroth confirmed grimly. "You are not hallucinating. Shinra actually expects us to spar with frying pans now. Cast-iron skillets."

"Those things are like five times as dangerous as the padded foam weapons!"

"Do _you _want to argue with the department with the closest ties to the science department? I certainly don't." Sephiroth sighed and went to the weapons rack, picking up a fairly large frying pan and hefting it in his hands. "Shall we?"

Zack muttered something along the lines of "pigs must be flying today," but walked over to the rack and selected another pan, this one heavier and larger than the one Sephiroth was currently holding. Pacing over to one of the sparring circles marked out on the gym floor, he took up his usual stance and presented the weapon as if were his own sword. "This feels absolutely ridiculous, Seph," he grumbled.

"It looks as ridiculous as it feels," the silver-haired man replied, assuming his own customary stance. "But it's the only option open to us for now. The President refuses to heed my requests about getting rid of this idiotic new rule." He sighed, then blew some hair out of his face. "Let's go."

The pair commenced a sparring match, attempting to use the unweildy pans as if they were their own familiar swords. But a few things about these new weapons kept screwing up their efforts. First of all, both Zack and (especially!) Sephiroth were used to a little freedom of range with their attacks. The frying pans were only about two feet long, at the most. Many of their attacks ended up falling a little short of the mark. Secondly, the skillets were in no way aerodynamic. The match kept getting slowed up because the arms holding the pans could only move so fast when combined with the wind resistance.

Third, and most importantly of all, those skillets were _hard. _

Zack let out a yelp as Sephiroth's pan slipped past his block and banged into his thigh, retaliating by thrusting his unconventional weapon into his commander's stomach. Sephiroth, winded, acted on reflex. His pan smashed into Zack's skull, resulting in an overload of the younger man's cranial activities and an explosion of pain that proved too much for his sensibilities.

In other words, he knocked him out.

As Sephiroth snarled something unprintable about the pans and Shinra's continuing stupidity and absurd rules, hauling up his second-in-command so he could take him up to the med labs, a camera lens glinted as its holder scampered away into the shadows. An unseen watcher of tiny stature and extremely hairy nature...

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"Hey, Oreo! You got the footage?" Reno asked, holding out a banana to his guest. The hairy, tiny guest eagerly took the proffered fruit with a happy chitter, then held out the video camera. Reno took the camera and plugged it into his computer, loading up the file so he could see how his latest prank had gone over with Sephiroth and Zack.

Leaning back in his chair, the black-and-white monkey perched comfortably on his crossed ankles, the redhead watched the fruits of his labors unfold with a wide grin.

"Rewards come to those who hack and forge, yo."


	42. Morning Workout

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor:** Requests! I have more requests! This one comes from mystic1, along with a second request I shall get to in another chapter: "What if Sephiroth and Zack both walked in on Reno doing his morning workout? You know, yoga! It keeps him flexible for the ladies!" Well, I don't know much about yoga, but I suppose I can take a crack at it (oh, that was bad... winces). Mind telling me if my efforts suck? Also, small inconsistency. I say in here that Reno has some vacation time. This is not confirmed, but I think that sooner or later the Turks would have gotten some sort of break or leave or something. They kinda/sorta did in the game during Wutai, didn't they?

Morning Workout/Wakeup

"Hey Reno! Time to get up!" Zack banged on the door to the Turk's apartment impatiently. "C'mon, Reno! If we want to get out to Costa del Sol, we have to get going ASAP! Reno, are you even listening to me?"

He looked at the man next to him and shrugged. "I dunno if he's even up yet."

"Let me try."

The SOLDIER shrugged and got out of the way. If they wanted to make the airship in time, this had to be done. Reno had managed to get some vacation time around the same time that he and Sephiroth had gotten leave; they had all decided to spend their time off at Costa del Sol with the goal of picking up as many ladies as possible.

Sephiroth had managed to get them a private flight, but they were going to be late if Reno didn't come out ASAP.

Zack crossed his arms and leaned against the wall to watch, knowing what was coming. Sephiroth cleared his throat, then drew one leg up to his chest, coiling the muscles with deliberate slowness. Then, in an explosion almost too quick to see, that leg snapped out and slammed into the metal door.

The door crumpled like a sheet of tin-foil and flew back into the apartment to splinter Reno's coffee table, completely torn out of the slot in the wall.

Zack whistled in amazement and approval. Sephiroth had once done that to his door. It had taken him almost two weeks to get someone to fix it.

Brushing his hands, the General stepped into the apartment and Zack followed, weaving around the jagged edges of the torn metal. "Reno?" the older man yelled. "We have to get goi..." His voice abruptly cut off as he rounded the corner into Reno's tv room, and was replaced by an expression of absolute shock. Zack, curious as to what could possibly have so surprised his street-wise friend, went around to Sephiroth's other side and looked into the room.

Reno was in the middle of the rug before the television, perched on his hands and feet and facing the ceiling, his back arched into a deep, deep curve. His aqua eyes snapped open as Zack saw him. "Morning, guys."

"Reno... What...the f...are you doing?" he asked.

"Yoga."

The SOLDIERs exchanged an incredulous look. "And why, pray tell, would you be practicing yoga?" Sephiroth inquired, crossing his arms before his chest.

"I do it everyday after I wake up, yo." Reno relaxed his limbs and sat down on the floor, turning to look at his visitors. "Chin-xhao in Human Resources introduced me to it. Really settles my mind, and keeps me nice and flexible for the ladies, if you know what I mean."

"Well, your exersize is going to have to wait, if we want to catch our flight. Are you packed and ready to go?" Zack asked.

"Stuff's by the door. Lemme change real fast, ok? Unless you want me stinkin' up the airship, yo."

Sephiroth wrinkled his nose. "By all means, change. We don't want you scaring off all the women the moment we land, Turk."

"Be only a sec, General. Then it's bon voyage; and may the ladies beware!" Reno cackled as he strolled into his bedroom. After the door shut, Zack sidled up to his silver-haired friend.

"Chin-xhao teach you, too?"

"Same as she did you, Zack. Flexible is good. _Very _good."


	43. Zack's Second Childhood

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Now for the second (first?) of mystic1's requests, which was inspired by two other chapters I have already completed and posted: "You mentioned in 'Reaffirmation, Zack style' that Zack was great with kids. So... what if he had to work the daycare center this time? It might help get on Valerie's good side :)" Well, your wish is my command! So here we go, and Valerie will be playing a bit more than a token cameo this time. Keep in mind, at this point in the timeline, Zack hasn't met Aerith yet. It's also prior to the "Girl Talk" chapter, which means Valerie and Zack haven't had their wild date yet. Yes, the chapter is more about Zack than Sephiroth. But hey, I write what the people want! Gimme a break, ok? Assume he was taking a raincheck on the entertainment today.

Daycare Pt.2: Zack's Second Childhood

The screams of the kids was almost deafening, and Zack had to remind himself of exactly why he had agreed to come down here until Trent got back from chasing down the milk truck. The truck had been hijacked by some nut with a bomb strapped to his back, and Trent had gone to try and rescue the kids' milk. Aparently, the kids were 'little monsters' if they didn't get their chocolate milk. So until he returned, Valerie had asked Zack to help her out in the daycare center. She had originally asked Sephiroth to do it, by popular request from the kids, but the General had flat-out refused. He was _still _picking clay out of his hair from last time.

So she had asked Zack, and he had agreed to help out.

Zack loved kids, but the problem was that the Shinra Company brats were some of the most _impossible_ children in all of Midgar, if not all of Gaia. Since their parents were so occupied by the demands of their jobs, they didn't have enough time to take care of their kds, which meant that Valerie and Trent were the only disciplinary figures they had. And they could only do so much. He normally would have turned this down, but Zack had had his eye on Valerie for a long time now; the 36-24-38 redhaired beauty was a known heartbreaker and rumored tiger in bed.

He wanted commitment, but he also wanted to have some no-strings fun.

Zack took a deep breath, and knocked on the door to the daycare.

Valerie opened the door a few seconds later, a screaming infant in her arms and a pair of toddler hanging onto both of her legs. She looked frazzled, but managed to give him a wide smile when she saw him. "Zack! Thank the Ancients you're here! The kids have been driving me crazy since Trent left."

"Well, there's no more need to fear; Zack is in the daycare!" He took a look around the room at the room at the screaming, running, fighting swarm of kids and felt his heart sink.

_This is gonna be harder than I thought. _

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"Mr. Zack! Toss me up!" a little freckled boy yelled, raising his arms up to the SOLDIER. Zack grinned and gripped the tyke under his arms, then snapped his arms upward, sending the boy soaring towards the ceiling with his arms outstretched. Valerie bounced one of the babies against her hip, watching the boy scream in excitement and throw his head backwards, laughing with joy. More kids were crowding around the black-haired man with arms outstretched, begging for a 'toss.'

He had proved himself as a capable babysitter, and suddenly she was having visions of him as a father.

Which was odd. Valerie had never wanted kids of her own. Sure, she was good with them and had the patience to put up with a multitude of them on a daily basis. But she didn't really want to squeeze any brats out of her own womb. She knew all-too-well what a terror she had been as a kid, and her dear mother had seen fit to bestow upon her the "May you have kids just like you" curse.

Kids? _No _thank you!

But watching Zack play with the older kids, she began to experience what could only be called the desire to procreate. But only if she could find a man like this.

_What are you thinking, Val? He's standing - no, laying - right there!_

The kids had managed to overbalance their caretaker, and now he was laying on the floor, dogpiled under a ton of happy boys and girls. And he was _laughing _about it.

How many men could laugh when they were being crushed beneath the weight of a dozen wriggling brats?

_I've gotta have me some of that. Tonight. _

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Once the last little boy was tucked under his blanket and settled down for his nap, Zack stood up and wiped the sweat off his brow. _Finally. Some peace and quiet. _

Until naptime was over, that is.

Staggering over to the breast-feeding chair (for the new mothers who could feed their babies between shifts), Zack collapsed and threw his head against the back, completely wiped out. Nothing he had _ever_ done in SOLDIER was as exhausting as entertaining a couple dozen kids for a few hours.

_Gotta get some me some of those. Better exercize than lifting weights and running laps. Hands-down. _

"Hey Zack." He turned his head to see Valerie hovering in the doorway from the babies' nursery, a small smile teasing the corners of her lips. "How you holdin' up?"

"Never been better, Val. Never been better." He straightened his legs and draped his arms over the sides of the chair, slumping lower in the seat. "Next time I decide I need to tone up my muscles, I'll be sure to come here instead of the gym."

"Chasing kids around is definately better for you than lifting barbells." She went over to him and lithely straddled him, her fingers trailing over his chest through his uniform. "But there is one more activity that burns more calories than that. Something a little more..." She leaned close to his ear, close enough for her breasts to brush against his chest. "_Physical._"

Zack snaked his arms around her waist and flashed her his famous grin when she pulled back slightly to look at him. "Why Valerie. Are you proposing something here?"

She ground against him for a moment, giving him a look that was nothing short of hungry. "As indecently as I can, if necessary."

"Not in front of the kids, Val."

Her teeth flashed. "But the kids are asleep, Zack."

"Shall we find a closet?" he asked before pulling her in for a deep, passionate kiss.

"Ew, they're kissing!" a little voice sounded from the general direction of the cots.

"Ewwwwwwww!!!" a multitude of kids' voices seconded.

The babysitters broke apart with a small smile. "We have eyewitnesses," Zack whispered.

"Shall we continue this discussion over dinner?" the redhead asked.

Zack gave her another tongue-twining kiss, with an encore of disgusted noises from their audience. "You got yourself a date, baby."

"That's baby-_sitter_, soldier."


	44. Boozing with Ulterior Motives

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Now for a series of requests from Darkling. He/she was kind enough to send me a whole mess of requests with challenges attached awhile back, and reiterated them more recently. And now, I've finally come to them on the reviews page(s). So, here's the first one: "A reference back to the drunken threesome, in any form!

Challenges: Also mention the chocolate syrup, Vincent Valentine, and fuzzy black handcuffs."

Heheheheheheh... I think it's time we take this show back outside... And hey, does anybody know what Zack's real last name is? For now, I think I'll go with the most common one on the site. But I'd like to know, just for reference.

Boozing

The Boiling Grog was hardly the sort of locale in which one would expect to have a sighting of the great General Sephiroth. Nor would you normally expect to see SOLDIER First Class Zackary Faire here. The pair usually did their drinking at the cleaner, more expensive, flashier bars up on the plate.

Yet tonight, here they were. Nursing their beer/vodka bottles, and sitting at the bar with a regular patron of this establishment. A man dressed in torn jeans and a black shirt with hair the color of bloody fire.

Reno had gotten the short straw, so they were drinking where he wanted this Friday. It was a rare and wonderous event, for the Turk almost never picked the short straw. It wasn't that he had anything against the upper-plate establishments that Zack or Sephiroth would have chosen. Far from it! It was just that the Boiling Grog was the first bar he had ever snuck a drink at. The grimy little pub held a lot of pre-Turk memories for him.

Besides, the place served the most potent booze he had ever come across. And Reno had gotten drunk at _a lot _of bars.

Zack and Sephiroth, despite their near-legendary resistence to intoxication, never sampled alcohol so concentrated as this. Reno knew from past experience, from the Night That Was Not To Be Mentioned, that eventually they would become about twice as drunk as he normally got here. Reno wanted a repeat performance.

He had made sure to pocket his fuzzy black wristcuffs and a bottle of Breshey's Chocolate Syrup in preparation for the drunken revels. Along with a tube of KY-jelly.

Out of the corner of his eye, he surveyed the status of his friends. Sephiroth was nodding and mumbling something indecipherable over his vodka. Zack was staring fixedly at a picture on the wall, a shot of the bar's first customer, a guy named Vincent Valentine.

Yep, they were well on their way to blissfully drunken unawareness.

Reno grinned and took another pull on his beer. _Just a little longer, guys._

_Then your asses are mine. Again. _


	45. Say What?

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Now for the second of Darkling's requests/challenges: "Sephiroth's secret fetish.

Bonus points: Work in Herbal Essences in the most disturbing way you can imagine OR have certain ahem bisexual red-haired Turks come in during the MIDDLE of the conversation and get the wrong idea, hehe."

I think I can work with this one. And btw, I was downright stunned you all responded to the last chapter so well. It was the shortest one in this whole fic by far, and yet it's gotten more reviews than most of the other chapters! Guess that means you all are yaoi pervs, then. Heh, it's not so bad. Just don't expect too much more threeway sack-action between Seph, Zack, and Reno. I think after the beating the two former gave their Turk associate for this most recent night when they realized what happened, he's not going to be trying anything again for a long time. At least not when it comes to them getting drunk first, that is. This chapter takes place before the last chapter, but after "Seventeen Hours STRAIGHT??!!"

Say What?

Zack sat across the table from his superior, staring fixedly at the pile of gil in the center of the table. _Gotta win, gotta win, gotta win... _

Sephiroth crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. "It's not a life-and-death question, Zack. Just choose one already!"

_Of course it's life and death! I need to buy Tamara a birthday gift with this gil!_ "Fine, fine. Ok, um... Dare."

"I dare you to stand in Tseng's office and flip him off."

Zack blinked. "That's not much of a dare, Seph."

"Want to flip off the President instead?"

"Tseng. Definately Tseng."

Sephiroth kicked back, crossing his arms behind his head and his legs at the ankle with a smug smile. "So go do it, wuss."

"I'm goin', I'm goin'. And I'm not a wuss, Seph."

SZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZR

Fifteen minutes later, Sephiroth was awoken from his cat-nap by a certain black-haired SOLDIER racing through the door and slamming it shut behind him, leaning against it and panting for breath. "Didn't know Tseng was so good with a gun," he wheezed.

Sephiroth smirked. "I thought you knew that all Turks must complete marksmanship tests in order to join their number. Some of them don't care for guns, but they must all know how to use them _and _hit precisely what they're aiming for."

Zack glared at his friend. "You asshole..."

"Yes, yes. I'm sure he almost punched you a new one with that Magnum of his." The silver-haired man waved him off, and resumed his original position at the table. "My turn now."

"All righty, then." Zack sat down in his chair, fixing his older friend with steely purple eyes. "Truth, or dare."

"Truth," Sephiroth answered. _No amount of gil's worth it to take the dare when he's this mad._

"Ok..." The younger man rubbed his chin, thinking, then smirked and lowered his hand. "What's your secret fetish? Something that turns you on beyond anything else."

"Hair."

"Say what?" Zack tried to wrap his mind around this statement for a moment. "...hair?"

"Yes, hair."

"Elaborate, please."

SZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZRSZR

Reno was on his way down to the officers' break room with orders from Tseng to rough up Zack a little when he heard the SOLDIER in question ask someone to elaborate on something. Taking a quick peek in the crack between door and jam, he saw the other participant in the conversation was none other than Sephiroth.

Being the nosy redhead that he was, he decided a little evesdropping was in order.

"I do not know why I find it so arousing, Zack. But I do."

"Well, what is it that attracts you to it?"

"I told you, I have no idea. Maybe it is the wide assortment of colors, the variety of textures, the soft and silky feel when it slides through your fingers... Hell, mine is so sensitive that when someone runs their fingers through it, I get chills."

"Ohhhh... So that explains why you had so much fun with the Herbal Essences."

"Yeah. It made it so slippery and smooth, so shiny... And it felt so _good_... Are you sure I can't have some again?"

"No way, Seph. Not if you're going to spend the whole day and night in there again. You got _waaaaaayyy_ too much enjoyment out of it last time."

A deep sigh, then "Fine, Zack. Fine. Your turn."

Reno grinned, and snuck off down the hall. He could rough up Zack later.

Right now, he had Herbal Essences to buy.

_I'm gettin' me some lovin' tonight, baby!_


	46. Rumor Has It

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Confession time. I tried to do something with Darkling's suggestion of Sephiroth going to a psychiatrist, but I just couldn't come up with anything for it. Not tonight, at least. I'll try again another day. In the meantime, here's another of Darkling's requests: "Have a "rumor mill" start in the office.

Brownie points:

Make them hit the bull's-eye by total accident:  
the drunken threesome (can you tell which chapter made me choke Pepsi over half the computer table?), Reno sneaking into Seph's room and seeing him naked, the genderbender moment (there's SOME blackmail in there), etc.

Double brownie points: Make Sephiroth not know that it was hit by ACCIDENT. I.e., he thinks someone especially Zack...because he's Zack sang like a songbird."

I feel kinda guilty over coming up empty on the shrink request, so please accept my deepest apologies. I'll work on scraping something together for that sooner or later. I promise!

Rumor Has It...

"Hey Chris. Have you heard the latest?"

"No Tamara. What?"

"Zack and Sephiroth have been avoiding Reno."

"Why is this so special and gossip-worthy?"

"Chris, think of the implications here! Why would those two be avoiding Reno? Lately, they've been good friends here! So what could have happened?"

"Could it have something to do with that time Hojo turned us all into the opposite sex?"

"I don't think so. Reno wasn't one of the ones turned into a woman. But I do recall Sephiroth and Zack as having been... If they had been willing, I would have been more than willing to put my new little buddy to good use until the antidote came!"

"Tamara, that wouldn't have happened and you know it. Their masculine minds couldn't handle the concept of being on the receiving end of sex, even if they were turned into women."

"Hey, maybe that's it! Maybe Reno's boinked them!"

"...come again?"

"Imagine that they all went out drinking together, and Zack and Sephiroth had a bit too much. Now, what would a bi like Reno be inclined to do? Get them into bed and bang the living daylights out of them, that's what!"

"And when they found out the next morning what had happened..."

"_Exactly._"

"Oh, this is too priceless. I have to tell Felisha and Lizla about this!"

"Tamara, Lizla'll spread it all over the company!"

"And the problem here is...?"

"Fine. I'll tell Val and Eislyn, then."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"Hey, did you hear that Reno walked in on Sephiroth while he was getting dressed? He was completely butt naked!"

"I thought it was that they all got drunk and had sex. And now the General's avoiding him like the plague because he found out what Reno did to him the next morning!"

_Who the hell blabbed about that?_ Sephiroth mentally growled, listening to the secretaries gossiping as they passed the officers' lounge. _Zack and I threatened Reno to secrecy!_

_Zack_.

Zack had told someone. It was the only explanation.

But was that all that he had told the gossipers?

In walking through the hallways today, Sephiroth had heard countless rumors about himself and Reno, occasionally with a dose of Zack thrown in. The sheer volume of them was staggering.

He, Reno, and Zack had been in a drunken threesome.

Reno had walked in on him while he was naked.

Zack had walked in on him while he was showering.

Reno had seduced him during his brief stint as a woman.

Zack had introduced him to lesbianism while they were women.

Reno had managed to get him _pregnant_ during his time as a woman.

And those were the least ridiculous ones circulating around the building!

Who had sang? And what exactly had they sung about?

_Only one way to find out._

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Zack was on his way back from the gym. He had been training some cadets today, and the inexperienced, totally clueless _babies _had managed to break every bone and tear every muscle and ligament in his body.

Well, maybe not. It certainly felt like it, though.

Looking forward only to relaxing under the showerhead and then sleeping for a good twelve hours, the SOLDIER was totally unprepared for a pair of hands to lunge from the darkness of a handy broom-closet and grab him by the shoulders, yanking him into the space with enough force to blow the door shut behind him. Absolutely bewildered, aching in every single square centimeter of his body, he lacked the reflexes and mindset required to react to this ambush. Bracing himself, he prepared to just take his beatings so it could be over with and he could go back to his apartment.

Instead, the overhead lightbulb clicked on, revealing his ambusher to be none other than Sephiroth.

A very _unamused _Sephiroth.

"What did you tell them?" he demanded in a soft, menacing whisper.

"What the hell are you talking about, Seph?" Zack muttered tiredly, slumping in the older man's grip.

"What I'm _talking _about are all the damn rumors that are getting passed around the building right now. Gossip about _us!_"

Zack didn't react. He just arched an eyebrow with a measure of equal parts curiosity and exhaustion.

"They're talking about three things. The time when you and I got turned into women, something that seems to take the form of Reno or yourself sneaking into my quarters and catching me in a state of undress, and that night."

"What ni... Oh." Zack rolled his eyes as it all suddenly became very clear to him. "And you think that I told someone what happened. Is that it?"

"Reno swore on his life that he'd never tell a soul. Who else knows about it?"

"Did it ever cross your mind that perhaps it was just a blind stab in the dark? You know as well as I do that the secretaries are always looking for something to gossip about, even if it's completely false and they know it."

Sephiroth's expression said it all. He _hadn't _thought of that possibility.

Zack sighed. "Look, I'm going to go back to my room. I am tired, and I hurt. Honestly, I haven't told anyone what happened. Ok? Ok." He shrugged Sephiroth's hands off him, then reached out to open the closet door. But before he could, the door was suddenly yanked open.

A pretty blond woman with sparkling green eyes stood there, her jaw on the floor. Before either man could say anything, her lips twisted into a delighted grin.

"Oh boy, wait until I tell everyone that you two really _are_ in the closet!" Lizla exclaimed. She was down the hall and out of reach before either one of them could so much as twitch a muscle.

They exchanged glances, and heaved tired sighs.

_Oh boy..._


	47. Guy Talk

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **I've really had some trouble with a lot of requests lately, for some reason. I think I tried to do something for about five other requests before I came to this one. Eh, I dunno. Just haven't been feeling that humorous lately. Thanks to Mom, Evil Little Sister, and an absolute hell of a workplace for that. Anyway, here's another request from mystic1 and co, and it reads: "Another semi perverted idea from my husband and I. I think it's about time the men gossiped about all the secretaries they've screwed. Do you think any would confess to sleeping with Scarlett? Maybe Reno should let the cat out of the bag about the three-way he had the Seph and Zach. Perfect revenge for stealing Gordy." Well, let's see what I can do with this one. And oh yes, one more thing...

**One More Thing: **I was going to make this an offer, but then my computer got fried before I had a chance to post this chapter (Dad should know better than to shut down a computer in the middle of a big storm... You do that the moment you hear the thunder!) That's why this update has taken so long, by the way. Well, as you all know, this fic has reached the 300 reviews mark. I had no idea it would get this high, and so I have decided that I will write a request oneshot for the person who made the 300th review, **Darkling**! Send me a PM or put it in a review, but I'll do a oneshot (no, not a chapter, a ONESHOT) of anything you want! Yes, I know I didn't make this offer for the people who sent in the 100th and 200th reviews; the idea hadn't occured to me then. But I'm remedying that and making the offer now! **Jenova Remnant AKA Fishie **and **Le Pecore Nere **sent in those two monumental reviews, so they get oneshot too! So Darkling, whatcha want to see? And who shall be in it? Romance? Tragedy? Comedy? Dramatic soliloquy? Tell me! Minor disclaimer: no yaoi or yuri pairings. I just can't write that, and I have tried. I don't disapprove or hate yaoi; I just can't write it.

Guy Talk

"So Zack, how was your date with Valerie last night?"

"Not too bad, Seph. I took her out to Brant's Kalmish Grill, then we went to the movie store and rented some flicks."

"Plenty of chick flicks, right?"

"It was really hard to keep my dinner down, but I managed it. And let me tell you, it was worth it. Damn, that woman's as good as you said she would be, Reno!"

"Wait. You've scored with Valerie, Reno?"

"Yep. Well, we were drunk, and she didn't remember what had happened after her fifth tequila the next morning... But yeah, I did."

"You're hopeless. Anyway, she showed me something last night I've never seen a woman do before in my life. And I thought I'd seen just about everything that can happen between the sheets!"

"Not to mention up against the wall... And the windows..."

"Seph, that was one time. _One time!_"

"Not what Felisha's told me."

"So Felisha convinced you to do her up against the glass, eh Zack? Did she bring out the handcuffs, by any chance?"

"I won't admit to nothing, Reno."

"I'll tell you one thing. Felisha and Valerie do not even come close to Christine."

"That's right, you did have sex with Blondie, didn't you Seph?"

"Right in my office, Reno."

"Care to elaborate, General?"

"Bartender, vodka on the rocks. Anyway, I called her in, I rubbed her hip, and seduced her. We had sex behind the desk. "

"Waaaaaaiiit... That wouldn't have happened to have happened on the day I had my date with her, would it?"

"..."

"Seph!"

"Well, I didn't know she had a date with you!"

"You're such a playa, General."

"Pot and kettle, Reno. Pot and kettle."

"Shut up, Zack. And barman, get me another beer."

"Seph, watch your drink. Last thing we want is for him to slip some kinda aphrodisiac into them and get us drugged. I'd rather not wake up to red hair and goggles beside me again."

"I was about to tell you the same thing, Zack. But thanks for the warning anyway."

"You guys are so paranoid... That was one night! _One_ night! I know better than to try that again! Anyway, so we've discussed Christine, Felisha, and Valerie. Who else shall we cover?"

"Well, we've all banged Reyna, so we don't have to go there. Though I must point out that she still has the best pair of jugs I've ever seen on a girl. And I've seen more than my fair share."

"Zack, that's nothing special. All three of us have seen more than our fair share of naked women. And done more than just look, I'm sure."

"Do me a favor and don't remind me of that whole paternity thing. Even Turks have nightmares, you know."

"And here we thought you were about ready to settle down and play Daddy for a change, instead of Professional Hitman."

"That's before it turned out I wasn't the Daddy in question. Now please, can we just drop it?"

"After you brought up the Night That Never Was and its sequel? I don't think so, Reno."

"Seph, let's cut him some slack. I have another woman we have to discuss."

"Who? Mrs. Shinra?"

"SEPH! That was a secret!"

"I never said a word. You just let the cat out yourself."

"You screwed _the President's wife?!_ Wow Zack; you have way bigger balls than I ever will!"

"I didn't know she was the Prez's wife at the time! That was a little fact she failed to mention until the deed was done and over with!"

"I suppose it must be mentioned that the President never really lets her out for publicity shots the way he does himself and Rufus. Very few people know what his wife actually looks like. So in this case, innocence is yours, Zack."

"Well?"

"Well what, Reno?"

"What's she like?"

"Heh. Absolute _animal _in bed. I swear, there were a few moments when I honestly wondered if I was going to get off that mattress alive and intact!"

"One must wonder exactly how the President manages to satisfy her. She's at least twenty years his junior."

"Maybe that's why she's so ferocious in bed. She ain't gettin' any at home, so she goes crazy when she actually manages to get some."

"Makes sense..."

"Speaking of ferocious, has anyone here been with the Red Bitch?"

"You mean Scarlet?"

"Who else in the company meets that description? Of course I mean her!"

"Just checking..."

"You need to lay off the rum, Zack. So, has anyone risked life and limb to screw her?"

"Nope. I don't like such domineering women."

"I wouldn't touch her with a twenty-foot pole. So, what about you, General?"

"Um... Bartender, another vodka!"

"Seph, do you mean..."

"A-HEM! I... Uh..."

"Holy shit! You've been with _Scarlet_, General? Damn! You have my utmost respect now!"

"Seph! I thought you had better taste in women then that!"

"Look, it was a one-night stand. I was young, just came back from the Wutai War. I had a lot of things I had to get out of my head, and she took advantage of that. It was..."

"Seph...?"

"It was my... first time with someone other than... somebody. That's one of the things I wanted to forget. And it did work, for a while. But once I woke up and realized what I had done, that was that. I can't stand Scarlet to this day."

"I'm sorry, Seph. I didn't know."

"Tough luck, General."

"Did someone call my name?"

"Scarlet? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Picking up men; what else? And I found you. So what about it, boys? Wanna taste of a real woman tonight?"

"Barman..."

"If you don't mind..."

"CHECK PLEASE!!!"


	48. Company Shrink

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **All right. Let's try this again. Back to Darkling's requests, and this one is the third on the list: "Sephiroth at a psychologist's, self-explanatory. Go wild." I'll deliver the best I can, but don't expect humor. With Seph's background being the way it must have been, I can't do much humor. But then again, there is another way I can do this... What if Seph and the shrink had never even gotten around to discussing his past? Seph really might just kill me for this one, I swear!

Company Shrink

Sephiroth laid down on the plush red couch and attempted to make himself comfortable, waiting for the doctor to arrive. This latest program implemented by Shinra had really become a source of annoyance to him. The bigwigs had decided to make absolutely sure that their SOLDIERs were fit for combat mentally, and so had hired a Dr. Androsime to come in and create a psychological profile of all the members of all classes, along with the regular grunts.

They were almost done. Zack and the other First Classes had finished yesterday, leaving their esteemed General as the last remaining member of SOLDIER who still needed to see the shrink.

The door opened, and a petite young woman with brunette hair twisted into a bun at the back of her head entered the room, a clipboard tucked under her arm. She adjusted her glasses and gave him a warm smile as she took as seat in the chair opposite the couch. "General Sephiroth, I presume?" He nodded silently. "My name is Dr. Androsime, but you can call me by my first name, Jolistra."

Sephiroth didn't react. The shrink pulled a pen out from behind her ear and put it to the sheet on the clipboard. "Well then, shall we get started?"

The silver-haired man sighed and tried to relax. This was not going to be easy.

She asked him all the usual questions. His daily routine, who he liked, who he hated, why did he feel that way towards them, etc. Sephiroth answered as best he could (the more he cooperated, the sooner he could get out of here), praying that she would finish her questions soon and hoping that she wouldn't ask...

"So tell me about your childhood."

...about _that_.

No way was he ever going to tell about the hell that had been his early years. With the image he had crafted over the years, he just couldn't let anyone know about his years in the labs under Hojo's control, all the suffering and pain he had been put through in the name of science. He couldn't let anyone know that he had once been a victim himself.

But how to distract her from the question?

He studied her out of the corner of his eye. The doctor appeared to be in her late twenties, and was fairly attractive. He didn't see a wedding ring on her finger. Young, pretty, and single. He could work with that.

More importantly, he noticed that she was giving him appraising glances when she thought he wasn't looking.

Never let it be said that General Sephiroth ever denied a woman who was so obviously attracted to him (at least when it came to his past).

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

_To: Professor Hojo, Head of Scientific Research and Experimentation Division, Shinra Electrical Power Company_

_From: Doctor Jolistra Androsime, Professor of Psychological Profiling, Midgar University_

_Professor, I have finished my compelation of the psychological profiles of each of the SOLDIERs. I have sent those documents to you in attachment to this e-mail, so you may browse them at your leisure. The three men in whom you expressed extreme interest have been summarized here, although their complete profiles can be found among the rest of the documents. _

_Cloud Strife_

_White male_

_Age: 16_

_Status: Shinra MP _

_Birthplace: Nibelheim_

_Cloud displays the classic symptoms of depression and low self-esteem. He is quiet and does not talk to others easily, but when he does his comments indicate high intelligence and wisdom. A quiet observer, he seems to have been crushed by his failure to join the SOLDIER program. I see much untapped potential here, potential that would serve SOLDIER well. I would recommend assigning tutors and retesting him. He is more mentally stable than many of the high-ranked SOLDIERs, and would be a great asset to the program if given a fair chance to enter the ranks proper. As for why he failed the exams the first time, my efforts indicate that he managed to work himself up over them, and panicked when they finally came, resulting in an overabundancy of stupid mistakes. Most of the answers from the exams now come to him easily. Retest him. I am certain that he will not fail if a second chance is offered. _

_Zackary Fair_

_White male_

_Age: 18_

_Status: SOLDIER First Class_

_Birthplace: Gongaga_

_I can find no mental problems with Zack. He deflects all serious issues with humor and sarcastic comments, perhaps a defensive mechanism to protect his mind from issues that would cause him mental anguish. When goaded, he will give a highly emotional response. But for the most part he is loathe to express more than a small amount of anger. There are exceptions to this observation, of course. Also a smooth-tongued flirt, I can find no disrespect to women whatsoever, a matter about which one of your assistants expressed concern. Zack's promiscuity seems rooted in a genuine love for women, and nothing more than that. I find him one of the most mentally stable men I have interviewed, loyal and completely incapable of mutiny against his CO. _

_Sephiroth_

_White male_

_Age: 25_

_Status: General _

_Birthplace: Nibelheim_

_The most mentally stable of all. I can find nothing wrong with Sephiroth mentally. As rumors would have us believe, he is truly the most perfect male specimen among the SOLDIERs. He was loathe to discuss his childhood, but other than that there is nothing seriously wrong with him. I would recommend, however, the he be allowed more chances to socialize with people other than the SOLDIERs and heads of Shinra's departments. He displays a bit more arrogance than is healthy for a high-ranking fighter such as himself. Allow him the chance to be himself rather than what other people want him to be, and he will be the greatest man on Gaia, I am certain. He needs time to grow and develop in the areas that display a certain lack of healthy growth mentally. I would recommend extended leave until he feels ready to return to his duties. Not doing so would be a great mistake, I am sure. _

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Hojo hissed and opened Sephiroth's profile. His son was perfect! There was nothing wrong with him at all!

But to test the doctor's theories, perhaps he should send Sephiroth on assignment to Nibelhiem at the soonest opportunity. All in the name of science, of course.


	49. Hero

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **An original for once, something I wrote while sitting bored in my class. Point of note, this takes place a bunch of years before Seph got promoted to General. He's only a private at this point, so no kickass leather outfit quite yet and no Masamune. Just a regular SOLDIER with awesome silver hair. And to answer a few issues from the last batch of reviews, no that was not the last chapter. I said my goal was 100 chapters for this fic, and 100 chapters it'll get to. Sooo... More ideas, people!

Hero

There were sometimes jobs the SOLDIERs were called in for that never quite made sense to onlookers unless they saw them in action. Jobs that ordinary civilians could have finished just as easily as the mako-enhanced warriors. Jobs that made one wonder why on Gaia Shinra would risk their elite fighters when they could send in their regular grunts.

This was one such job.

An explosion had torn through one of the trains while it was en route to Sector Four, derailing the cars and causing the engine to collide with a nearby building. A tragedy by anyone's measure.

So why were the SOLDIERs involved?

Because they could handle extreme temperatures, and there were still people trapped in the twisted wreckage.

Sephiroth and his squad had been out patrolling Sector Three when the order came in, Search and Rescue. They had raced for the location, arriving to find flames licking at the cars and civilians screaming inside. The squad's CO had sent in a few of the privates to rescue the people inside. They handed the victims out to the remainder of the squad outside, who carried them to safety before returning to pick up another one.

Sephiroth was one of these carriers. He was passed a soot-streaked woman from one of his comrades, and he took her to the people laying and sitting where the SOLDIERs had put them and a few of their number, such as Tareyna, were tending to them. Laying her beside his girlfriend, they exchanged a quick nod before she got back to helping the wounded and Sephiroth ran back to the wreck site, where the fires were burning dangerously close to the engine's fuel tanks.

"Everyone, get back!" The CO herded his charges away from the wreck. "It's gonna fuckin' blow any minute!"

"Is everyone out?" one of the younger men called, peering at the wreckage.

"We'll check the list from the check-point later! Now _move!_"

A minor explosion rocked the area. The tanks hadn't gone yet, but something had. As the squad ducked, Sephiroth thought he heard something. Straining his ears, he strained to confirm his suspicions.

A faint call for help. A child's voice.

From the first car.

Sephiroth didn't hesitate. He raced for the wreckage as fast as he could, ignoring his CO's commands to "get his skinny ass back here right now." There was a kid in there, trapped. That's all that mattered to him.

He made it through the open door just before the panel slammed down behind him.

The fires didn't bother him. The real danger lay in the smoke billowing up from the flames, choking the air and robbing precious oxygen from the atmosphere. Sephiroth didn't have an oxygen tank like the SOLDIERs who had evacuated the train, but the dangers of smoke inhalation were of no concern to him. Ducking his head, he pounded through the first two cars, towards the engine and the small voice screaming in fear.

The door was blocked, but a swift kick of his steel-toed combat boots sent the flaming debris flying. Stepping inside and keeping low, he searched for the child.

A small boy was half-hidden beneath a seat, the body of a woman blocking the view from the door. Sephiroth pulled the corpse away and gently hauled the boy out, cradling him in his arms against his chest. Weakly, the child gripped his uniform, hiding his face from the nightmarish scene.

Now what? They were trapped in the first car, no way out. And Sephiroth knew they only had a little time left before the fires reached the fuel tank and the whole area was blown to kingdom come. If they didn't get out soon, they would go up with the train.

Growing desperate, the silver-haired private searched for a way out. The emergency exit was blocked, and the walls were made of reinforced steel. No way out there, because Sephiroth had left his buster sword with Tareyna. He couldn't slice his way out, couldn't bust the walls down...

_Materia_.

Calling on one of the materia in his armlet, Sephiroth fired an Ice3 at the hottest spot on the wall closest to the fire. Then he fired again, a few precious seconds later, praying that it would work.

The wall shattered, revealing a solid curtain of fire outside the hole.

Holding tight to the boy, Sephiroth pushed off and soared through the firewall, landing a short distance from the burning train and running for cover. He found a niche and ducked inside, putting his back to the wreck and curling around the unconscious boy in his arms.

The train exploded, completely atomized the moment the fires made contact with the fuel.

Sephiroth's back erupted into agony. He screamed through tightly gritted teeth, holding the boy to his chest, and endured.

The fire intensified, increased its pressure against him. Not even a titan could hold out against such heat, such pain.

Sephiroth just managed to shift the boy to the side, so he wouldn't land directly on him, before he blacked out.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

When Sephiroth awoke, he was in a hospital and his whole torso was wrapped in soft gauze. He was also laying on his front. Tareyna was sitting beside the bed, and it was from her that he found out what had happened after he lost consciousness.

The fuel had exploded, as he already knew. But a large piece of the red-hot engine had landed near his hidey-hole, and was responsible for the second-degree burns currently adorning his back. To Sephiroth's great relief, his hair had survived intact. Tareyna and another private had found him and the boy, and brought them back to the emergency crew, who had arrived by then.

The boy had survived. He had been treated for burns and smoke inhalation, but other than that he was fine. He had already been in a few times to see his rescuer, and would be in as soon as news of Sephiroth's awakening reached him. He wanted to thank him for saving his life, thought his mom had died. Her body had been the one in the train.

Tareyna chuckled when she recounted the current feelings of their CO. On the one hand, he was pissed about Sephiroth's disobedience. But on the other, he was proud that a SOLDIER under his command had rescued the son of a minor city official. He didn't know if he should cuss Sephiroth out or congratulate him.

The news and papers were hailing him as a hero. A ton of flowers and cards had been received by the hospital, all for Sephiroth. There were even rumors of a _serious _promotion in store for the silver-haired man. But Sephiroth didn't care.

Tareyna's loving, proud smile... The heartfelt gratitude shining in the boy's eyes when he came to visit...

Those were all that mattered to him.


	50. Hojo Wants to be Bad

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Nor do I own "I Wanna Be Bad." Willa Ford owns the song, but I own a copy of it on cd!

**Queen's Quornor: **Last of Darkling's requests: "Catch Hojo singing in the shower on camera (by accident trying to blackmail someone else, or just to blackmail him!).

Brownie points: The song's by Josh Groban, Spice Girls, or "I'm too Sexy for my Shirt". With choreography."

Well, you know I hate to disappoint. However, I think I'll be doing a little one-hit wonder from Willa Ford. I do so love humiliating one Professor Hojo...

Hojo Wants to be Bad

"You know, we never did get to tell everyone that Hojo was working in that strip bar," Reno mused to his drinking buddies. It was, once again, just himself, Zack, and Sephiroth tonight. Rude had made yet another excuse to get out of going out to a bar with them.

"So what's your point?" Zack inquired, taking a sip of his beer.

"I think it's high time we all get back at him for turning us into women last week." It turned out that Reno, too, had been affected by the gender-bending green sludge. He had simply remained hidden until he could sneak inside the labs and abscond with a dose of the antidote. "So, what better can we use as blackmail than the fact that Mr. Greasy Scientist climbs a stripper pole in drag by night?"

"Small problem. We failed to get that evidence on tape and Hojo had the place razed to the ground yesterday," Sephiroth pointed out.

"Then let's go and find some _new _incriminating blackmail on Hojo!" Reno gestured with his empty beer bottle, waving it wildly in the air. "There's gotta be something we can use to really hand his ass to him on a silver platter! He deserves it, after what he did to us!"

Zack and Sephiroth nodded, remembering the sudden absence of important anatomical bits, their unwelcome replacements, the humiliation, the ruined black leather coat...

(Thank Holy Sephiroth had managed to get a replacement)

"All in?" the Turk asked slyly, recognizing the hunger for revenge in their eyes. He held out his hand.

Two more hands piled onto it in acquiescence.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"All right, I'm in." Reno softly closed the door behind him, taking a good look around Hojo's apartment. The place was more sterile than your average surgery, and the decor done entirely in white. It was _too clean_.

Reno palmed his headset and spoke into the mouthpiece. "Definately a germaphobe. There are at least fifty surface cleaners sitting on the kitchen counter, and more of that wierd energy drink of his. It's glowing, for some reason."

_"We already knew Hojo was a psycho, Reno. Just plant it and get out of there before he gets back from the labs!" _Sephiroth's voice came over the line, a slight urgency and annoyance in the smooth tone.

"Sure, Seph. Sure." Reno made his way to Hojo's bedroom, searching for a good place to plant the camera-bug. A place the creepy scientist would never suspect...

The redhead's aqua eyes fell on a door, slightly ajar. A grin spread slowly across his face, as malicious and devious as any his comrades had ever seen...

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"So the target is in the elevator?" Sephiroth asked, looking at the screen the bug's camera sensor had been attached to. He had no less than four television screens stacked atop his desk, with a radio and wireless headset aded to the mix.

_"Affirmative," _Zack replied over his headset. _"He should be arriving on his floor in 3... 2... Here he is."_

The security camera they had jacked, the one nearest the apartment in question, was swivelled to face the door. A moment later, Reno's voice crackled over the radio.

_"Looks like I chose the location well, Boss Man. The target seems to have been spewed upon by something nasty in the labs."_

"Very good, Red. That shall suit our needs quite nicely. Blackspike, what's the target's location?"

_"About to enter your line of sight, Boss Man." _

"Good. Once he's inside, report back to Base. Red, you too." Clicking off the radio, Sephiroth watched the fourth monitor closely, watching for an indication of the target's proximity. Sure enough, a very unamused, absolutely filthy Professor Hojo entered the camera's field of vision within seconds. Sephiroth had to prevent a laugh from leaving him; although the radio was off, it would still be a disaster if his agents' headsets were to suddenly make noise.

He didn't have anything to worry about. A minute after Hojo had entered his apartment, Reno and Zack burst into his office, ripped off their headsets, and made themselves comfortable where they could see the main monitor (Zack kneeling on the floor beside Sephiroth's chair, Reno leaning against the back).

They had to wait a few minutes, but as expected the door to the bugged room opened, admitting the encrusted scientist into his bathroom. He stripped off his lab coat and tossed it into a hamper against the far wall, then reached for the shower-faucet, turning on the water to the hottest temperature possible.

"That bug's waterproof, right?" Zack asked Reno.

"It's Turk-issue. Did you honestly think we use half-assed crap? Of course it's waterproof!"

"Quiet." Sephiroth's low voice shut the two up faster than a shout or a scream ever could. Obediently, the returned their attention to the monitor, where Hojo had stripped off and was now entering the shower (Queen's Note: Now _there's _a mental picture for you!).

Trying hard not to look at the monitor out of sheer disgust, Zack voiced a question. "What exactly are we watching for, Seph?"

"Classified information was recieved. Hojo has a certain passtime in the shower, it seems. Perfect blackmail material."

"Please tell me we aren't going to have to watch..."

"Don't finish that thought. I have enough nightmares already. And to answer your question, no. We are looking for something else. Listening for it, too."

Suddenly, a thin, reedy voice came loud and clear through the microphone. _"__Oh, I, I,... I. I wanna be bad, baby. I, I, I, I, I wanna be bad with ya, baby"_

"That...would be the beginning of our blackmail, gentlemen."

Neither Zack nor Reno could quite believe what they were seeing. Hojo, swinging his hips from side to side and shampooing his hair, _singing _in the shower. _"Do you understand what I need from you. Just let me be the girl to show you, you. Everything that you can be is everything that I can be. (I Wanna be) My turn/ Let me let you know that I, I can promise that I won't do that. So, boy, say the time and place 'cause you make me wanna misbehave."_

"Dude... This is definately the most disturbing thing I have ever seen."

"Who knew Hojo could be so... _yllllllgh_."

"Does it surprise anybody here that Hojo cannot sing a single note? I want my ears amputated now."

_"I wanna be bad! You make bad look so good. I've got things on my mind I never thought I would. I, I wanna be bad. You make that feel so good. I'm losing all my cool. I'm about to break the rules. I, I wanna be bad. I wanna be bad with ya, baby. I, I, I, I, I wanna be bad, baby..."_

"Televisions in the cafeteria again?"

"Hell yeah."

"And the labs too. They are a must."


	51. Vacation

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Ok, I'm giving you all a double-whammy with this chapter. This was supposed to be an original, but then I remembered a request from one of my readers awhile back. So I skimmed back through the reviews and found this: "Haha! This is awesome! You should have a chapter with Rufus in it." It came from Choja, and really I don't know why I thought of it just then. Boredom in class, I guess. Anyway, hope you all enjoy the mental images this chapter may elicit! Read on to see what I mean...

Vacation

This was the life. Relaxing on the warm sandy beach of Coasta del Sol in naught but a pair of sunglasses and black swim trucks, a pina colada in a coconut shell in his hand, the sun slowly turning his skin a creamy shade of ivory... All the daily nonsense and regulations and 7-foot-tall stacks of paperwork he put up with in SOLDIER was more than rewarded by company-paid vacations like this.

Sephiroth appreciatively watched a trio of young bathing beauties in string bikinis strut by, jiggling in all the right places. Two of them kept their eyes on him for as long as they could, the third tugging them along impatiently.

Yes. _Very _much rewarded indeed.

"Hey Seph!" Zack approached his spot on the beach, a woman under each arm and a goofy grin on his face. "We're going swimming, and Aristha here needs a partner. Why don't you come with us, at least until we go meet Reno at the bar?"

"I don't think so. I'm busy working on my tan."

The younger man took his arm off the girl on his left, planting his hand on his bare hip (those trunks were pulled down just a bit too far for casual purposes) with a playfully withering look. "Seph, you and I both know you can't get a tan. Your skin is completely bake-proof."

Sephiroth snorted and tossed sand at his friend's legs. "Touche, Zack. Touche. Still, I think I'll stay right here."

"Aw, c'mon Seph! Aristha is just for you; Melissa is with me!"

The silver-haired man raised his sunglasses to look at the women. They appeared to be twins, both of them tanned to golden perfection with sun-bleached hair and brilliant blue eyes. Their bikinis were straining to restrain their 'bodacious tatas' (as Reno would have put it) from popping right out into total exposure; these girls were _built_.

He had to admit, these were fine specimens of young womanhood. Zack had great taste in legal-age young'uns.

"All right. I'll come."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Several hours later, he was soaked and happy. The reason he was soaked was because the girls had been lifted onto the men's shoulders while they were out in the water, and the partners had had a chicken-fight that transformed into a splash-battle. It was unclear as to who the winner was, but all involved had had fun.

His arm around Aristha's waist, Sephiroth looked around the bar. Reno, Zack, Melissa, and another woman (this one a brunette in a blue backless one-piece) were having a round of body shots in the far corner of the bar; he was surprised no one had noticed the bawdy quartet yet. The swim suits and trunks were still on, but those girls' tops were definately getting shifted around.

The silver-haired man snorted and took a swig of his grasshopper. Those four would need a room if they intended to continue their activities.

Of course, he would too, before the night was over. Aristha was a more refined creature than her twin; she sipped at a margarita rather than drinking tequila and then licking sugar off his skin, as Melissa would be doing (in fact, _was_ doing. She was currently getting a body shot off Reno's chest). Clad in a deep purple bikini with golden rings holding the material together at the hips and center of the top, she was also the more visually elegant of the twins.

Sephiroth knew such women. Get them in a secluded area, and they could be wilder than most party girls.

The music was pounding in the dance club next door, a song to get the blood pumping and the body moving. Perfect for his intentions.

Leaning in close to her ear and brushing some hair away from the rounded shell of pierced cartilage with a soft, tantalizing gesture, Sephiroth whispered a suggestion. Aristha pinked slighly, but stood up and wrapped her hand about his. Zack flashed him a thumbs-up as she led him out the door and into a sheltered alcove between bar and club.

Sephiroth was pleasently surprised when she slammed him back against the wall, shook her silky mane behind her shoulders, and stretched up to kiss him. Very few women ever tried to dominate _him. _They usually preferred to allow him to take the lead. So it was a major turn-on for him when his partner took control of the situation.

Aristha was already tearing at his trunks, her kiss an oddly-enticing mixture between biting and kissing.

Oh yes. This was _definately _the life.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

"Rufus, have you seen my binoculars?"

"No, Lizla, I haven't!" Rufus adjusted the binoculars in his hands so the nightvision lens brightened a little more, illuminating the objects of his fascination a little better.

General Sephiroth and one of the locals, having sex in an alley between the bar and the dance-club.

Rufus was not gay, by any stretch of the imagination. But he would have to be a saint to say that Sephiroth was not attractive. The man's charisma and sexual appeal was obvious to anybody who met him; even Rufus' heartless father had a modest collection of posters and pictures of the esteemed General to which he routinely jerked off in favor of sleeping with his wife.

"Are you sure you haven't seen them? I can't find them anywhere!"

"I'm sure, dearest!" Oh my. Masamune definately was _not _compensation. If anything, it was advertisement! For the briefest of moments, Rufus wished he was the one opposite the silver-haired man, but quickly shoved the thought away. He was _straight!_

But after a few seconds of further consideration, he allowed the fantasy to come flooding back.

He was on vacation after all, was he not?

Time to relax. _Everything. _

"Lizla? Could you come here for a moment? I have need of you."


	52. Guardian

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **OK. Now I know that somewhere, sometime, _somebody _asked to see a chapter involving Reno and Zack getting sick and Seph taking care of them, seeing as how there have been two previous chapters where he got sick (Chap 2 and 11). Problem is, I can't find it. I think it was requested via PM. Well, whoever you were, here's the chapter!

Guardian

Sephiroth was not pleased.

Today was the Presidential Military Review (or Hell Day, as the SOLDIERs called it), but due to a new drug the scientists had implemented, half of the men and women under his command were too sick to perform their manuevers. At last count, Sephiroth had most of his non-SOLDIERs, half of the Third Classes, a fourth of the Second Classes, and a grand total of five First Classes. There were barely enough COs to command the warriors, and no chance that the men could impress the President in their current state (they were not bed-ridden, but they weren't in great shape either).

The Turks couldn't pull off their yearly display of hand-to-hand demonstrations, trick-shooting, and stealth manuevers (the known ones, that was. They didn't show _everything _in this annual humili-fest); they had been injected with the new drug too, and only two of them were not currently languishing in misery on the hospital levels.

The day was already a disaster, and it hadn't even started yet!

Sephiroth finished typing up his written explanation of why he was canceling the day's events with the intent to reschedule at a later date, and printed it off. Signing the dotted line, he handed it off to Christine, whom he had called in to deliver the letter to the President. She strolled out of his office with a saucy sway to her hips and a flash of her perfected 'bedroom eyes.'

The silver-haired man was tempted to take what she offered once more, but he pushed the thought away and departed his office for the medical wing.

He had something far more important to attend to.

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It was not often that the med-labs had so many patients. But today every bed, and a lot of the floor, was full. The doctors, nurses, orderlies, and scientists were running themselves into the ground tending to the needs of the ailing SOLDIERs and Turks, with no relief in sight anytime soon.

The new injection had varied effects on its victims. Vomiting, severe headaches, sensitivity to light, joint pains, and heart problems were the major side-effects, but there were others showing up. Tacchycardia, fluid in the lungs and chest cavity, rapid bone necrosis, seizures, and nightmarish hallucinations had already made their appearance in roughly half of the men and women, resulting in several deaths. Two of the orderlies, in fact, were carrying out the body of a Turk who had managed to kill herself during one such hallucination when Sephiroth entered the area.

The Turks and First Classes had all gotten semi-private rooms (fully private rooms and suites had gone to high-ranked officers until the rooms had run out). By chance, the two people who had gotten under his skin and become his friends had been assigned to a single room.

Reno was sitting up in bed rubbing at his knees and hips when Sephiroth came in. Zack's bed was empty, but the sheets were thrown about in such a way that he suspected he had been temporarily moved for some kind of emergency. He hoped the younger man was all right; Shinra's doctors were not a sadistic bunch, but with the scientists helping out, who knew what could happen? Reno looked up, and flashed the older man a tired, pained grin.

"Hey, General. Come to pay your last respects to the dying?"

"You're not fading anytime soon, Reno. You're too onery for that." Sephiroth sat down between the two beds. "Where's Zack?"

"They took him away. Guy couldn't stop having seizures." Reno grunted as he massaged his left knee. "Damn, this hurts! And they won't give me any painkillers for it!"

"The drugs would only react with the one that made you sick in the first place. Morphine would kill you today, Reno."

"Well, it would get rid of the pain one way or another, at least." Reno flopped back against his pillows. "Dammit! My legs feel like they're about to fall off, and I've had chest taps on two separate occasions today. Plus, I was puking my guts out until about an hour ago. I swear, when I get out of here I'm tracking down whoever developed this thing and breaking all their fingers. Then I'll castrate them with a cheese grater, male or female. _Then _I'll stick a needle in their asses and pump them full of their own damn witch-juice!"

Sephiroth smirked. "Well, I'll definately be staying on your good side. You're more dangerous than anything I've ever faced in the field when you're pissed off!"

"And don't you forget it, General!" There was a clattering of wheels out in the hall. "Betcha that's Blackspike now."

An orderly edged into the room, guiding a collapsible gurney through the door. Zack was on said gurney, laying motionless with a thick black cloth tied around his head, covering his eyes. Another orderly was on the opposite end of the gurney, and together they lifted the SOLDIER onto his bed. Sephiroth stopped one as they prepared to leave, hooking Zack back up to the life-support machines.

"What is the status of Lieutinant-Major Fair?"

"His seizures were connected to extreme light sensitivity. That has been temporarily remedied, as you can see. We can't risk giving him Valium yet because of a possible reaction with the drug. His heart's been beating arrhythmically, so we've got someone monitoring him. There was also a serious loss of bone in his left arm, but that was restored with materia. He's resting easily now, as you can see."

Indeed, Zack was asleep, judging by the slow, steady rhythm his breathing had fallen into.

The other order had just used a Cure materia on Reno, sending the redhead into a deep sleep as well, so as to mend his body and restore his depleted energy reserve. Both he and Zack would need to sleep, so their bodies could concentrate on flushing the drug out of their systems and healing the damage it had caused as quickly as possible. As the orderlies left, closing the door quietly behind them, Sephiroth moved to the chair beside Zack's bed, where he could see both of them. Seating himself, he folded his hands and pressed the clenched digits to his lips, praying to anybody listening that his friends would survive the liquid scourge coursing through their veins.

That done, Sephiroth prepared himself for a long vigil.

No matter what happened, he would be there to watch over them and help his friends through this. That's what friends were for, after all.

His vigil continued long into the night, with nothing to break the silence save the _beep _of the heart-rate monitors and the steady, mechanical breathing of the respirators.


	53. Life

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Yet another original, and this one was inspired by yet another boring time at the Dairy Queen. I just started writing, and this was the end result. Yeah, I tied this in with a oneshot of mine, "Dreams." I try to keep some consistencies between my fics, as hard as that is to believe!

Life

Sephiroth gave his newest stack of completed paperwork to Christine, who took it with a tired smile. She grunted in discomfort and put a hand to her lower back, arching briefly so her distended belly was pressed against the maternity dress for a second. Trying not to stare, the General discreetly watched her waddle out the door with the papers.

Christine was eight months pregnant. No, the baby was not his. He suspected it was another of Reno's unverified bastard babies, but the secretary was talking. Unlike Sargent Reyna, she hadn't had a paternity test. When Sephiroth asked about that (he had been sleeping with her too), she had told him taht the father didn't matter; she wasn't looking for marriage, and she was keeping it. This baby was _hers_.

Watching her, Sephiroth was reminded of his secret desire to sire children. Despite his little adventure in the daycare center, he still wanted to find the perfect woman and give her offspring. He wanted to be the proud father-to-be, stroking his wife's rounded belly and announcing to unsuspecting passerby when the baby was due. He wanted to be the man pushing a shopping cart full of diapers and onesies and musical baby toys, following his wife around the store while she squealed over the most random little things and threw them into the cart. He wanted to be the one having his hand ground to powder while his woman grunted and screamed obscenities and strained in a hospital bed. He wanted to be the man bringing his carefully-wrapped baby out into the waiting room, showing it off to his friends proudly.

He yet found the concept of pregnancy fascinating, even though he knew exactly how it came about and how it worked. Ever since that day in the labs, he had wondered...

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_"What's wrong with your stomach?"_

_Dr. Armelia looked up from her work to see Sephiroth standing at the door, watching her with curious mako eyes. It wasn't often he was allowed to roam the labs outside his enclosure, so when he was let out, he explored and asked the scientists every question he could think of. _

_Armelia, one of the few scientists the silver-haired boy actually liked (mostly because she wasn't involved with his daily care; her project was something different), turned her chair away from the computer terminal to face him, a smile on her face. "I take it Hojo hasn't told you about the birds and the bees yet?"_

_He shook his head, his shoulder-length silver hair swishing wildly. It was growing back nicely after its first and only meeting with the barber. _

_So Armelia picked him up and sat him down next to the computer on the desktop, then resumed her own chair and carefully explained the reasons behind the anatomical differences between men and women, and what they did. Then she moved on to explaining sex and reproduction, and ended with "So that's why my stomach is like this. Because there's a baby growing inside my uterus, and it'll be born in three months."_

_"Doesn't it hurt, having your stomach stretched out like that?" Sephiroth asked. _

_"It's a bit uncomfortable, but no, it doesn't hurt. And it's more than worth it, knowing that I'm protecting my baby and it needs me; in a few months, I'll be able to hold it in my arms and see it for the first time without an ultrasound." She smiled, then pressed her hand to her belly. "Would you like to feel it kicking?" _

_At Sephiroth's nod, Armelia stood up and took his hand, pressing it lightly against her stomach. His eyes closed in concentration for a moment, then flew open in surprise as he felt something fluttering against his palm. Drawing back, he saw that Armelia was smiling. "You could probably hear the baby's heartbeat, if you put your ear to that spot."_

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Leaning back in his chair, Sephiroth remembered hearing the quick, steady _thump-thump-thump _of the baby's heart. That memory had remained with him all these years, through everything he'd ever been through, and he wanted to hear it again. Only this time, it would be _his _baby in _his _woman.

It was just a problem of finding her, first.


	54. Nightmare

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Same goes for Last Order, which, I will admit, is a truly amazing anime. Wish it was longer, but it's still great. And if it comes from me, you know it's good. I hate that style of anime.

**Queen's Quornor: **This one has been in the making for awhile. I just didn't know exactly how I was going to do it until today. Just a little short blip, nothing humorous. Another tragic chapter. Oh, and the site's e-mail seems to be down again. I HATE it when this happens...

Nightmare

"No!"

Sephiroth sat bolt upright, breathing hard. After a moment of looking wildly around, he relaxed and flopped back against the pillow. He was in his own bed, in his own room, not a mako reactor somewhere. He was in his boxers, not his jacket and pants. Masamune was against the wall where he had left it, not in his hands.

It was only a dream.

But it had seemed so _real_... If he closed his eyes, Sephiroth could still see the terror in Zack's purple eyes as Masamune came streaking at him, his buster sword his only defense against the legendary katana. He could still hear his friend's scream of agony and despair as the blade tore open his belly, spilling his entrails across the floor in a red wash of blood.

_"Sephiroth! And I trusted you!"_

He slowly raised his hands before him, examining the flawless, clean skin. Just moments ago, they had been dripping with blood. Zack's blood.

_"You traitor...!"_

_"I was the chosen one."_

In the dream, he had killed his best friend.

Sephiroth rubbed his hands across his face, attempting to physically scrub the nightmare from his memory. He would never do that. Not to Zack. _Never. _

But the memory of the dream still haunted him, throughout the night and into the day.

_"You're not the Sephiroth I once knew!"_


	55. You Are Not a Chocobo

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. And the Sexy Kitties are the Gaian equivalent of the Pussycat Dolls. Don't own either of them.

**Queen's Quornor: **All right. Here we have an original/request hybrid. I was writing this one, and needed a new character. So I remembered that AmazonTurk has been requesting that I put her in here as a Honeybee girl. Well, while I am planning on writing a chapter with that premise in mind, I also figured "what the hell" and put her in here. Try to figure out which one she is! Also, here's a little trivia for you. Leather Fetish is a leather clothing and accessory store that I introduced in "Fallen Angels." It's one of Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz's favorite stores, so I decided to make it one of Seph's, too. And someone else makes another cameo appearance! He's pretty easy to spot, and I'll beat you if you don't know who he is! And Zack's gotten a promotion. I realized that I had accidentaly demoted him from the US Army-based ranking I had given him, so that has been remedied. I still don't know how the SOLDIER ranking system goes; I found it once on Wikipedia, but I haven't been able to find it since!

You Are Not a Chocobo

"What do you mean, 'you don't have a birthday?'" Zack exclaimed, looking at his silver-haired friend in shock.

"I meant exactly what I said. I don't have a birthday." Sephiroth looked at his second-in-command with irritated, guarded citrine eyes. "Is there a problem with this?"

"Of course there is! Everybody has a birthday; you mean to tell me you've never had a birthday party or present or _anything _before? And you're _how _old?"

"Twenty-five. And no, I've never had one. Do I have to spell it out for you?"

Zack shook his head and fell in line beside his friend, ignoring the strange looks they - or rather, Sephiroth - were receiving from passing SOLDIERs and office workers. Sephiroth hadn't been able to get away from his duties long enough to make a trip out to Leather Fetish to replace the leather coat and pants the daycare monsters had wrecked; he had been forced to dig out his old SOLDIER uniform and was currently wearing that.

"Well, how have you been keeping track of your age, then? Any specific days you use to mark off the year?"

"New Year's Eve, at exactly midnight." Sephiroth stopped at Christine's desk to collect his mail.

"New Year's is when the Planet and racing chocobos get a year older. You are not an oversized yellow chicken." Zack crossed his arms stubbornly over his chest, oblivious to the dirty look shot at him by a passing MP with spiky hair resembling the rear end of the aforementioned bird. "You need an _actual _birthday."

Sephiroth had reached the end of his rope. Rounding on his friend with an exasperated snarl, he gritted out "Zackary Fair, you have beaten this issue to death and beyond. I'm not like everyone else and you know it. So get this through your thick skull. _I. Don't. Have. A. Birthday. _Period, end of story. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do." He stalked into his office, the door sliding closed behind him with a loud _snap!_ "Good-bye!"

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Sephiroth didn't see Zack at all for the next few days. As annoyed as he was with the younger man, he still found himself looking up at the door from time to time, hoping for a familiar head of spiky black hair to poke into his office with some kind of dirty joke or mischievious suggestion. Or he'd discover his hand twitching towards the phone, eager to call Zack and talk to him as a way of breaking the tedious monotony of his daily job. But his pride wouldn't allow it. Zack had been the one to start this argument, not him. He would have to apologize first.

And so he suffered in silence.

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"Morning, General." Sephiroth looked up from his paperwork to see Kandi, Zack's secretary, poking her head inside his office. "The lieutenant-general asked me to deliver a message."

"Thank you, Kandi. What does he want?"

"He says he wants you to come to his office at 8:45 pm. He didn't say why."

"I see." Sephiroth pondered his friend's reasons for asking him to come to his office fifteen minutes before the workday ended. Could it be the long-awaited apology? "Inform the lieutenant-general that I'll be there."

The secretary flashed him a brilliant smile and disappeared. A former Honeybee Inn girl, Sephiroth knew full well that Zack had gotten her this secretarial job mainly so he could have free access to her whenever he wanted. Kandi was definately a beauty, with her long, chocolate-colored tresses and eyes. He suspected that part of the reason Zack had picked her over the other girls was because she was slightly exotic in appearance: she had natural highlights in her hair as red as Reno's hair. Besides, the woman's rack rivaled that of Sargent Reyna. Exactly the type of woman Zack would be drawn to.

In addition to her physical good looks, Kandi was also damn smart. She had settled into her new position as a secretary faster than anyone had expected, and had gained a reputation as a meticulous and efficient worker. Sephiroth's own secretary, Christine, was a good worker and more than willing to let him yank her into his office at various points in the day to relieve an itch, but there had been several occasions when he had wished Zack would agree to a swap. Kandi was _hot. _

At eight-thirty, Sephiroth left his office and started for Zack's office. Christine was missing from her desk, but he didn't think twice about it. She was extremely fond of her water breaks; they afforded her the opportunity to gossip. But Kandi was also MIA with no 'Back in Ten Minutes' sign propped up on her desk. Completely out of character for her.

Pondering the mysterious disappearance of the secretary, Sephiroth nearly had a heart-attack _and _jumped out of his skin when he opened the door to the office and two voices yelled "Surprise!" Clutching his racing heart through the itchy purple sweater, the silver-haired man saw Zack and Reno standing on either side of the desk, a large cake with "Happy Birthday Seph!" written on it in black icing in the middle of the wooden surface. Presents were piled atop the chair and there was a keg in the corner, plastic cups stacked beside it. The now-infamous file cabinet had been moved to the center of the room, and Reno's stereo system had been plugged into the wall.

"What the hell is this?" he gasped.

"This is your birthday party." Zack, grinning, stepped up to the older man and clapped his bare shoulder. "Since you don't have a birthday, I'm giving you one. November 23rd is officially your birthday, Seph."

"We got you everything. A cake - vanilla. Zack told me you don't like chocolate - gifts, booze, and strippers. Everything a dude needs to celebrate his twenty-fifth." Reno smiled and grabbed the boxes. "So go ahead. Open 'em!"

Slightly dazed, Sephiroth allowed Zack to lead him to another chair and methodically opened the gifts Reno sat on his lap. There were only four of them: a new pair of gloves from Reno, vouchers for free sexual favors from Kandi, a set of expensive hairbrushes and combs from Christine, and a DVD he'd been searching for from Valerie. After receiving a cup of beer, the lights were dimmed and "Buttons" by the Sexy Kitties came on the stereo; the two missing secretaries and one more woman, Valerie, came dancing out the bathroom door in skimpy attire. Reno informed him that they were going to perform a strip dance and a few...other things...for them.

As the girls danced around the file cabinet, Sephiroth felt something soft land on his lap. Looking down, he saw another package. Having decided that he liked the concept of a birthday party, he tore into it wihtout hesitation and stared at the contents of the gift.

A brand new leather coat and pants, exactly like the ones he had been forced to throw away.

He looked at Zack, citrine eyes shining with gratitude. Zack merely smiled.

"Happy Birthday, Seph."


	56. Whodathunkit?

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **I actually got inspiration for this twisted little idea from two sources. The original came from a little comment chaosbfly made for chapter 2: "I've never thought of what a Mini spell would look like on other characters." That comment made me start wondering what some of the other spells would look like or do on other characters, but I put it out of my mind because I had some other requests I was occupied with. Then I read a little chapter of Sulhadahne's fic "The Orphanage," (awesome fic, by the way. READ IT!!!) and inspiration struck like a thunderbolt. I asked if I could make use of the idea, and she said, and I quote: "I'd be honored if you used the idea." Well, feel honored. Here we go! Oh, and before I forget it, my first reviewer has become my four hundredth! Corncob, you get a oneshot as well! Who'd ya like to see and what would you like to see? Just remember: I don't write yaoi, even though in certain cases I think it's hot (though NONE of the pairings involving Seph, Cloud, or Zack with each other. That's just...ew).

Whodathunkit?

"Seph, would you come out of there?" Zack asked the bushes with a trace of irritation and amusement in his voice.

"No."

"C'mon, man! The thing's dead already! No touchee, see?" He picked up one of the monsters and touched its paw; nothing happened, as promised. "Now, we have to get back to camp. Would you come on already?"

"Not for love or gil."

Zack blew some stray hair out of his eyes with an exaggerated sigh. Sephiroth was just being difficult. It wasn't like he was the only one this had ever happened to. It happened to lots of people who went up against these things. In fact, almost nobody could ever face a pack of them and avoid this somewhat...embarassing situation. He knew he certainly hadn't. "Seph, it's getting late. And I know you haven't eaten anything since we left this morning to patrol the area. Now, unless you have a hankering for flies and mosquitoes, I'd suggest you get out of there so we can get back to camp before the cadets eat everything."

"All right, all right." There was some rustling among the leaves. "But if you laugh, I swear I'll string you up by your intestines once this damn spell wears off!"

Zack held up two fingers in a classic gesture. "Scout's honor, Seph."

There was some more rustling, and then a small green frog emerged from the bushes. Its skin had a slightly more silver sheen to it than that of a normal frog, but otherwise it appeared to be a normal, run-of-the-mill bullfrog. The frog's wide mouth was fixed in a severe frown and its golden/brown eyes were glaring death at the SOLDIER, who was fighting a losing battle against a smile.

"Laugh, and you die," it growled.

Both hands now clasped tightly over his mouth, Zack nodded vigorously. His face was beginning to turn red and tears were welling at the corners of his purple eyes.

The frog turned in the direction of the camp and started walking. A second later, it stopped and eyed a large fly buzzing around in front of it. There was a loud _snap! _and a long pink tongue disappeared back inside the frog's mouth, along with the fly.

When the frog turned around, it had an absolutely horrified look on its face.

That was too much for Zack. He burst out laughing, harder than he ever had before. The laughter came even harder when he saw how the frog was glaring at him again, pond-colored eyes narrowed dangerously. Leaning back to howl his amusement to the sky, Zack felt something collide with his stomach and fell heavily on the ground, still laughing.

The frog hopped onto his right leg and stalked up his leg, then began jumping up and down as hard as it could on his stomach when it reached his six-pack, as fast as its legs would work. This hurt Zack's stomach, but it was too absurd for him to handle and just made him laugh harder. At last, the frog got off and sat down on the grass, crossing its arms and legs in a very good approximation of a child's sulk. Zack sat up, still fighting residual laughs and giggles, and wiped a tear from his eye.

"Still gonna kill me, Seph?"

"Just pray I get turned back to normal before we get back to camp, or I really _will _kill you."

"Even though I had nothing to do with your current situation?"

"The frogs are already dead, and I'm not allowed to kill the cadets."


	57. It's Just a Game!

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. I don't own Gamestation, and I don't own Fists of Fury or Soulblade. I own their equivalents, though! Well, sorta. Capcom and Namco own the actual games, and Sony owns the console. Bleah.

**Queen's Quornor: **This is an ancient request, given to me by an anonymous reviewer known only as 'Wen:' "I'd like to see a chapter in which Sephiroth is a sore loser. He's just too arrogant to react to defeat well." I had problems trying to see a situation in which Seph would lose and react badly about it, but then inspiration struck like a lightning bolt. What makes people lose it faster than losing at...VIDEO GAMES?! And a challenge for my fellow game-freaks: can you guess what the games are called here on Earth? Furthermore, who are the characters I'm making Seph and Zack use? If you guess right, you get a Seph-froggy plushie!

It's Just a Game!

"Hey Seph, wanna see my new toy?"

Sephiroth glanced up from his never-ending paperwork to see Zack standing in the doorway, holding a box. Just a plain cardboard box, nothing special about it. He laid his pen down and folded his hands upon the detailed report of an attack he had led against some anti-Shinra fanatics a few hours ago, and fixed his piercing eyes upon his second-in-command. "This new toy wouldn't happen to be anything like your remote-controlled cars, would it?"

"No. Tseng destroyed those after I sent them into his office with the spy cameras." Zack pouted (he had really liked those cars!) and set the box down on the older man's desk. "This is different. You can't cause it to explode, I swear!"

"And what, pray tell, is in the box?"

A grin flashed across Zack's face, and he eagerly dug his hands into the box. The object he pulled out was new to Sephiroth: a slender, rectangular box of dull black plastic with numerous cords hooked into the back, and the words 'Gamestation 2' printed across the top in flashy red letters. This was set on his desk, and was soon joined by a pair of oddly-shaped black...things. The things had two sticks with flat tops sticking up from the middle, with a quartet of arrow-shaped buttons on the left side and a matching set on the right, difference being that the right-hand buttons had geometric shapes on them, a square, a triangle, a pentagon, and a diamond. Zack reached into the box again, and laid two shiny square cases on top of the desk. Printed across the front of one were two men fighting, and on the other was a sword shining with blue radiance, a man and a woman dueling below it.

Sephiroth looked up at his grinning friend. "What in the name of Shiva are these?"

"Seph, you need to get out more. This is the latest in video game technology, the Gamestation 2, or GS2. All the teens and most adults are crazy about this thing! Here, lemme show you." Zack reached for the row of buttons on the desk and pressed one; a picture of the Forgotten City hanging on the wall flipped over to reveal a wide-screen television.

The silver-haired man flushed. "How did you find out about that?"

"The cars were good for a few things, Seph. That, and a few times I've come by here I've heard you watching either porn or action flicks. You need to learn to keep the volume down." He bustled over to the screen and began hooking the GS2 up to the television. That done, he attatched the things to the Gamestation, and dragged two chairs over so they were directly in front of the tv. Holding the things, he looked at his friend. "C'mon, take a controller. I know you're dying to try it out."

Sephiroth did not hesitate. He was curious about the GS2, and besides, he needed a break from the damned paperwork anyway. "Fine. Now how does it work?"

"Well, it depends on the game you pick." Zack held up the two square cases. "These are both fighting games. This one is Fists of Fury, a hand-to-hand game that's pretty popular among the young'uns. The other is Soulblade, and unlike Fists of Fury it actually has a plot. Buncha people traveling all over the continents to try and prove their right to wield this sword, the most powerful weapon in the world. But when they get to the place where the sword is, there's a guardian they have to defeat with the sword, which'll turn into whatever weapon they're most comfortable using. Older gamers like me prefer Soulblade." He went to the Gamestation and put Soulblade inside the slot. "Like all fighting games, both of them have a Versus setting. That means the primary gamer and a friend can fight each other with the characters. Have a seat, and I'll get this show on the road."

Sephiroth sat down while the black-haired man pulled something out of his pocket, some kind of long black strip. "A memory stick," he commented idly, inserting it above the first controller's cord. That done, he hit the Power button and went to the other seat, making himself comfortable and watching the screen with rapt attention.

The screen went black for a moment, then exploded into a white tunnel. At then end of the tunnel was the sword from the game's case. It stopped abruptly, standing upright in the middle of the screen with the words 'Soulblade' across its center, and 'Press Start' blinking below the hilt. Zack hit the start button on his controller, and selected Versus on the menu that popped up. With a fanfare of triumphant music, the screen was suddenly filled with faces. When Sephiroth moved his cursor over the pictures, a name and a person to match the face appeared above the gathered pictures.

"Pick a character, Seph. All of 'em have their own strengths and weaknesses, but they're all pretty easy to use." Zack had already selected his character, a scantily-clad female with red hair holding a spear named Sing-Nonna.

Sephiroth shrugged, and picked a character using an enormously huge sword wearing silver plate armor named Sigmund.

The characters picked, they moved onto another menu, this one showing pictures of locations. Zack immediately picked one that looked like the inside of a Wutaian temple, or maybe the Pagoda.

"Okay Seph. First thing to know. What button does what." Zack told him what the buttons did, showed him the shoulder buttons, and gave him a few pointers. A moment later, the pagoda-arena place popped up with their characters facing off from opposite sides of the ring, each with a green bar above their heads and a timer between them.

A voice said "Round One. Fight!" and the battle began.

Before Sephiroth even knew what had happened, Sing-Nonna had run across the screen and twirled, slashing Sigmund with her spear. A substantial length of the green bar labeled with his name disappeared.

"You gotta guard, Seph," Zack chuckled.

He looked down at the buttons, confused as to which one was the Guard button. He found it, and looked up just in time to see Sing-Nonna grab Sigmund around the throat and flip him onto the ground, causing even more of his green bar to vanish. Sephiroth hit the Vertical Attack button, but Sing-Nonna caught the attack with her spear and retaliated with a kick.

One kick of her own sent him flying out of the arena and over the edge. "Ring Out!" said the unidentified voice. "Sing-Nonna wins!"

Zack chuckled and Seph growled softly. "Round Two. Fight!"

This time, Sing-Nonna knocked Sigmund out rather than kicking or flinging him outside the arena.

It was the same result no matter how many times they fought, or who they picked; Zack always made mincemeat of Sephiroth. And Sephiroth kept getting angrier and angrier.

"Dammit!" he finally yelled, throwing the controller at the wall. Zack had just beaten him again with a character named Rose, a woman wearing a high-cut bikini-thing wielding a whip-sword.

Zack glanced at him, shocked. Sephiroth didn't curse very often, but in the past fifteen minutes he'd heard more swear words from his superior than he had the entire time he'd known him! "Seph, calm down. It's just a game, after all."  
"'Just a game'?" Enraged citrine eyes landed squarely on Zack, the heat behind them making him flinch. "'Just a _game_'?!"

"Um... Yeah. It just takes practice to get the attacks and stuff down, Seph. You're still new at this, and I've been playing Soulblade for a few days now. That's all!"

A sudden light flared in Sephiroth's eyes. "Practice, eh?"

Zack suddenly had a sinking feeling right in his gut. "Yeah."

A moment later, he found himself against the wall outside the office with a pain in his back, and the door locked. From inside came the music of Soulblade's Practice Arena.

Zack stood up, rubbing the back of his head. "You know, I think I've created a monster."


	58. First Impressions of the Zack Kind

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Two requests in one, this time. First Kazaam: ""You both certainly know how to make one hell of a first impression." So my question is, if that was Truhlla's first impression, what was Zack's? I challenge you to write that!" And then Legacy of Fire: "I was wondering if you'd do a flashback thing to Zack's first mako injection that was mentioned in the chapter "Terrified"." I haven't done a true request in awhile, so me being me, I decided to try something new and combine two requests into a single chapter, in this case, Seph's first meeting with Zack. And just to remind you all, the side effects of mako injections as Zack and Seph recant them (they hang around my house, remember?) are as follows: "an extremely itchy feeling crawling over and under your skin, increased glow to the eyes, hypersensitivity of the senses, auditory and visual hallucinations, and a woody that just will not go away." Read, enjoy, review!

First Impression of the Zack Kind

Sephiroth was walking down the hall away from the labs when the first scream reached his ears. Stopping in his tracks, he listened for the cry. It wasn't unusual to hear screaming in these labs, but this one sounded different.

The noise obliged, this time accompanied by the murmur of voices imploring the screamer to 'calm yourself.'

The silver-haired man frowned. Must be the newest group of cadets getting their first mako injection. A routine procedure that every up-and-coming SOLDIER wannabe had to endure, along with countless others.

But from the sound of it, the scientists and doctors could probably use some help this time.

Sephiroth strolled down the hall and turned into the usual first-injections room, his eyebrow quirking as he saw how many people were gathered around the examination table. He wasn't sure how many there were at first glance, but there were far more than there should have been. And none of them were the cadets; the teenagers were huddled against the far wall, all but cowering from the group.

Craning his head, Sephiroth was able to see that all those people were holding down a single teen, a boy with spiky black hair and violet eyes. He was struggling violently, his eyes wide with terror as he strained to wriggle away from the glowing, dripping needle held in the grip of one of the scientists.

Normally, Sephiroth would have found this a terrible display of absolute cowardice. But this time was different; the strength the teen was showing by requiring this many people to hold him down for a mako injection was...redeeming. Encouraging.

Perhaps there was hope for this kid yet.

One of the scientists spotted him. "General! What are you doing here?"

Sephiroth didn't answer. He merely continued watching the struggle on the table.

"Well, um... Would you mind giving us a hand here? This cadet absolutely refuses to allow his injection. If he continues on like this, what choice do we have but to dismiss him? With your permission, of course."

He didn't even know this guy, and already he hated him. Didn't he see the raw, untapped potential this cadet possessed? And he was supposed to be a _genius_?

"There will be no dismissal of such promising young cadets while I am General of SOLDIER, Professor." Sephiroth strode up to the examination table, the people parting like water before him. The teen sat up and looked at him, a mixture of amazement and awe in his eyes.

"G-General Sephiroth?" he stammered.

Sephiroth nodded and took cadet's arm, choosing his position carefully. "Now Cadet... What is your name?"

"Zackary Fair. But everyone calls me Zack."

"Zack. How badly do you want to join the SOLDIER program?"

"Badly."

"You did realize that mako injections are a standard procedure for Shinra's fighters, correct? The recruitment offices are always clear on that point."

"I was fully aware of that."

"Then what is the problem here?"

The teen didn't hesitate. "I hate needles, that's the problem."

He wanted to laugh. He really did. A needle-phobe, joining an injection-rich environment like SOLDIER? That was worth the pangs of a stomach cramping from too much audible mirth. But Sephiroth managed to hold the laughter back, maintaining his grip on the cadet instead. It just wouldn't do for the scientists and doctors to see him as something other than the lethal, living weapon he appeared to be. "Well, you're going to have to confront that fear if you want to remain in the military. And you are going to confront that fear..." He suddenly slammed Zack down onto the padded examination table, his strong grip and weight preventing the cadet from escaping. "Now."

Zack's eyes widened, and he tried to get away, his legs and lower body thrashing wildly as he fought the General's grip. But his upper body wasn't going anywhere; Sephiroth's strength was too great. There was a pained yelp when the needle jabbed into his upper arm, then a chill rushed through his body in wake of the mako.

The needle was withdrawn, the grip loosened. Zack sat up, already clawing at his arm and chest as the side-effects began manifesting. Although the side-effects of mako injections were always bad, or at least annoying, they were always the worst the very first time you got them. Already, he felt his pants constricting. He glared at Sephiroth, who clapped a hand on his shoulder and helped him up off the table.

"Let's get you into the appropriate room, cadet. Shinra supplies adequately for such needs. Would you prefer pornography or one of the secretaries?"

Zack's glare turned to confusion. "Huh?"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "That particular side effect," he said, pointing toward's the tented front of Zack's pants, "is not going to go away on its own. Especially not for a first-timer like you. So, Shinra supplies 'aids' to get rid of this problem before my inspection of the new recruits. Which begins in a few hours. So I'd suggest that you take care of that before you receive your dress uniform and have to report to the training grounds."

The cadet grinned. "I'll take a secretary."

Sephiroth returned the smirk. "Very good. I'll send Natalysha to tend to your needs. Oh, and Zack?"

"Yes?"

"Stop scratching the skin off your arms. You're getting blood all over my coat."

Zack looked down at his arms, which he had scratched raw in his attempt to relieve the ceaseless itch caused by the mako coursing through his blood. Blood dripped from the furrows his nails had dug into his skin; he hadn't even noticed the pain. And in his furious scratching, he had caused blood to splatter against the General's pristine leather coat. "Ummm... Sorry?" he offered with a sheepish grin.

The silver-haired man shook his head and dug out a Cure materia. "I'll give you one thing, cadet Fair. You certainly do know how to make one hell of a first impression."


	59. The Plier Incident

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. I don't even own this chapter!

**Queen's Quornor: **Ok, I can't take any credit whatsoever for this one. AmazonTurk sent it to me, but she can't really take credit for it either. The true author of this chapter is Bjanik, who sent it to AT for her fic "Part of Life." Absolutely hilarious fic, by the way. For those of you who like the odder parts of "Evidence of Sephiroth's Humanity," I HIGHLY recommend checking out "Part of Life" and "Operation: Assassination," both by AmazonTurk. They are more than worth the time because they are bust-a-gut HILARIOUS. Oh, and if any of you get any ideas about sending me chapters for this fic from this, FORGET IT. This is a special exception, and will not be repeated. Got it? Good. So drop the praise to AT and Bjanik, not me, and read on, comrades!

Silver Nose-Haired Man

Zack watched his commander intently. He was saying something about the last  
mission, but the SOLDIER couldn't concentrate on a word he said. He  
couldn't tear his eyes of the man's nose.

The problem was two or three long, silver nose hairs protruding from the  
General's left nostril. They moved as he talked, one so long it waved as it  
caught the breeze from particularly punctuated words.

"PEH-rformance... BAH-listics... PUH-sitions..."

It was a horror show and Zack could not take tear his eyes away.

"DIS-missed. Not you, Zack."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Zack stayed behind in the conference room, working hard to avert his eyes.

"Didn't hear a word I said, did you?"

"Uh, no, sorry Seph."

"Mind telling me what was so DIS-tracting..."

Zack shook his head, not in refusal but to shake the image from his brain. He ought to say something; he was the guy's friend and all.

"Hey Seph, you gotta do something about those, um..."

"Yes?"

"Nose hairs."

Sephiroth sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Hey, it's no big deal, every guy gets them, just gotta, you know, trim  
them out of there."

"Zack, do you know why I never cut my hair?"

"Because it's a chick magnet?"

Sephiroth leaned his head to the side. Well, it was a chick magnet, but that  
wasn't where he was headed with this. "You have a small blade on you?"  
he asked the younger SOLDIER, thinking he better have one or he was going to  
demote Zack right here and now for walking around unprepared.

"Sure," Zack said.

Sephiroth motioned with his hand for Zack to produce the item, so he dug into  
a pants pocket and opened the larger blade from his Leatherman. Then  
Sephiroth gathered up a handful of his silver mane and held it out to Zack.

"Cut it," he demanded.

Zack hesitated, momentarily not believing that Sephiroth had just asked him  
to slice into a bit of his fabled trademark. But when he saw the man was  
serious, he grabbed onto a lock of hair, doubled it in his fist, and slipped  
the blade into the loop.

He pulled.

He pulled harder and sliced and sawed, and as far as he could tell had not  
cut a single strand. He removed his blade and examined the edge. He had  
dulled it, and put in one small chink.

"Shit Seph, what is this stuff? Nothing cuts it?"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. The things he had to live with that other people  
had no clue about. "Masamune can go through it, but I can't exactly get  
that weapon up my nose."

"So.. this is the first time you've had nose hair.. .issues?"

"Second. Unfortunately it seems to be becoming more frequent with age.  
Last time I went down to the lab and had Hojo surgically remove it." He  
shuddered. "I'm not anxious to repeat that exercise."

"Ok," said Zack, never short of new ideas, "maybe we can just yank them  
out." He held up the plier end of his Leatherman and gave the jaws a couple  
of demonstrative snaps.

Sephiroth considered briefly, and then decided anything was better than  
Hojo's table. He let Zack grab onto the errant hairs and pull. Nothing.  
He put his hands on the young man's shoulders to keep his head from falling  
forward and let him yank again.

Reno walked by the conference room to find his two coworkers engaged in what  
looked like some sort of lethal conflict. Zack had one booted foot against  
his General's chest and both were groaning with effort, Zack flexing biceps  
to their full extent and Sephiroth's lips in a snarl.

"Whoa, hey, whatever you two have got going I'm sure you can talk this  
out, yo," Reno said. Zack and Sephiroth both stopped and stared at him.  
Zack appeared to have some sort of tool aimed at Sephiroth's face.

"Let go, Zack," Sephiroth said.

"No way, I've got a really good grip here. Reno, grab his head.  
Actually, I think you can probably just grab him by the hair. I need you to  
pull backwards."

"Really?" Reno asked, noticing that Zack seemed to have the big General  
pacified in some way and this was probably his only chance every to touch  
Sephiroth's hair. Let alone yank on it.

Reno took position behind Sephiroth, wrapped his long tresses around both  
wrists and imitated Zack's posture by putting one foot square into the  
General's back.

"OK," Zack said, "On three, one, two..."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Rufus looked over at the three latecomers to his general staff meeting. Reno  
was holding an ice pack on the back of his head and Zack had several scrapes  
and what looked like a black eye coming on. Thank Gaia, though, Sephiroth had  
finally trimmed those awful nose hairs.


	60. Having a Blast BOOM!

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Chapter 60! Woot! 40 more to go! Ahem, excuse me. Anyway, here's the next chapter, and here we return to the requests. This one is an old one, from mystic1: "Well, since Sephiroth and Zack had to babysit, I think it's Reno's turn to watch the heathens. He could work with Trent... I'll let you go from there!" Well, it's taken me a long while to get to this request. Two months, in fact. So I hope this measures up! Wait a sec. What would Reno do with a bunch of little kids... (ponders). Ok, I think I know...

Having a Blast

"Reno, thank Holy you're here!" Trent hung onto the door to the daycare with both hands, a blackhaired child clinging to his back like a screaming monkey. "Valerie called in sick today, and the kids have cabin fever because of the rain. Come in and grab a kid!"

Reno looked around the daycare center with a sinking heart as he stepped inside. The kids were running around, screaming, fighting, playing, and generally behaving like little savages. There were a few, a blessed few, that remained quiet at the window-seats, but most were in the process of driving Trent crazy. As he looked around, he felt eyes upon him.

Suddenly deeply afraid, he turned his head. A little boy was looking at him; not doing anything, just looking. Looking into that boy's eyes, he was suddenly gripped by the need to _run_.

Too late.

The boy lifted a hand and pointed at him, letting out an indecipherable shriek. The other kids took up the cry, and suddenly all of the children in the room were racing towards the Turk, jumping up, bearing him to the ground, practically suffocating him beneath their weight.

Trapped beneath a wave of children, Reno craned his neck to look at Trent, who was grinning. "What're you laughing about, jerk-face?"

"Simple. They like you."

Reno arranged his face to resemble the expression of absolute shock.

"If they didn't like you, they'd be scratching and biting you to pieces right now."

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

"Fire in the hole!"

_Ka-BOOM!!!_

Reno and the kids each raised their heads, taking their fingers out of their ears. "Now that, kids, was a detonation triggered by dynamite. Wanna see what happens when we use the C-22?"

"Yeah!" was the unanimous reply. So Reno got up, put the apparent leader of the kids (his name was Dain) in charge, and went to the 'kitchen' as he liked to call it, preparing to cook up some new explosives. The kids had been bored out of their skulls in that daycare; he had taken them all on a field trip with Trent's blessing.

...Out to the explosives range.

The kids were having a blast (pun intended). They were behaving surprisingly well, and Reno was having fun educating the kids about explosives. Maybe he'd get lucky and one of 'em would decide to use that knowledge by blowing up the Shinra building...

"Reno, what are you doing?"

The redhead jumped, then carefully sat the jar of ingredients down on the counter. He had almost blown himself sky-high. "Seph, what are you doing here?"

"I need some nitro. My question is: what are you doing here with twenty-some kids?"

"They got bored. So I took 'em on a field trip." Reno wasn't sure he wanted to know why _Sephiroth_, of all people, needed nitro glycerin

The silver-haired General shook his head. "Why on Gaia did you bring them here, then?"

Reno grabbed his C-22 and headed outside. "What do you think I did for fun as a kid?"


	61. Cloud's Big Debut in the Fic

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. NEWSFLASH: I don't own Dramemine either.

**Queen's Quornor: **You know, I haven't really done that much with Cloud. I've only given him two bit parts in this whole thing, and upon thinking about it, I realize that this is not really fair. He's a major character, and he deserves a big part. I mean, hell, I never even said his name outside my Quornor! So, he will be playing a major part in this chapter. Sort of. Oh, the things I come up with when I am bored at work! Poor, poor Cloud... And poor, poor Seph! They both are really gonna hate me for this one, let me tell you!

Always Be Motion-Sick in Private

"You ok, Cloud?"

An uncomfortable groan, then "Go away, Zack."

Sephiroth shifted in his seat, trying to ignore the First Class and the cadet leaning over the back of the army truck, one comforting and supporting the other while he puked his guts out over road behind them. The few other SOLDIERs and cadets in the truck weren't having a problem directing their attention elsewhere; Sephiroth seemed to be the only one having problems blocking out the noise.

"Why didn't you tell me you get motion-sick? I would have tried to bring some Dramemine or something for you." Zack rubbed the younger man's back as he heaved again, attempting to soothe him. "It'd probably help if you didn't try to fight the truck's movement; just move with it. And reading that issue of _Voyeur_ probably didn't help either."

The cadet moaned, and answered with another stomach-wrenching heave.

"Yeah. No more reading for you while a vehicle's in motion."

Sephiroth had gone back to his own book by then, and Zack's words immediately sent a warning shiver through his stomach. He closed his eyes in discomfort and set the book aside, marking his place carefully so he could resume reading at a later date. He had _never _been motion-sick before, and he didn't intend to start now.

There was more retching sounds, then "Ew... Maybe you shouldn't have eaten cold spaghetti and bacon sandwiches for breakfast this morning. That's nasty, Cloud! Little chunks of bacon and noodle all over the road..."

_That _was more than Sephiroth could take. Strong stomach or not, even he had his limits! He launched himself up and out of his seat and flew towards the back of the truck, almost knocking Zack over the side when he shoved him aside so he could get his head out the back in time.

"What the hell, Seph?" Zack shouted, unjamming his gut from the back hatch. "What the...oh."

The black-haired man could only stare as the famed General joined the lowly cadet in the time-honored pursuit of spewing his stomach contents all over the road behind them and down the rear of the truck. And what was worse, it set off a kind of chain reaction: the moment Cloud heard and saw the silver-haired man puking beside him, that set him off again so yellowish bile oozed down the rear bumper, adding a slimy coating to the bits of 'breakfast' already encrusting there. And that sent Sephiroth into fresh round of spewage, which primed the cadet once more...

And so on and so on.

By now, the rest of the SOLDIERs and cadets were either looking disgusted, puzzled, or amused. Some of them weren't looking so hot either, now that they beheld their esteemed idol/fearless leader throwing up over the back of the truck alongside one of their own. Zack merely sighed and started rubbing both of the curved, shivering backs currently presented to him.

"You know, Cloud. You gotta learn how to be motion sick in absolute privacy, or at least how to puke quietly. See what you started?"

Two pairs of teary eyes, one citrine, the other blue sapphire, rolled around in their respective sockets to shoot death-glares at him.

"Shut..._UP_...Zack," their owners said together before returning their attention to the task at hand, namely, emptying their stomachs to the fullest extent possible.

Zack huffed, but continued rubbing their backs soothingly, not forgetting to hold Sephiroth's hair out of the splash zone.

It was gonna be a looooonnnnnnnnggggg trip to the swamps with the two of them like this.

"Real great for morale, Seph. _Really_ great."

He just barely managed to duck the groin-level swat both Cloud and Sephiroth sent his way.


	62. Experimental Treatment

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Just for the record, Seph is going to be shaving my head for this atrocity later, I just know it. And it just finished growing back from when Axel burned it, too... I wasn't planning on doing this one. But I needed something to write, and happened upon this little request while scrolling through the reviews, from sephy dude: "Give poor Seph lice and have Hojo try a new experimental treatment on him." Well, I left it up to fate, and flipped a coin. The coin landed on tails, meaning that Seph gets lice. But... I don't think I'll be doing normal, run-of-the-mill headlice. Nor _that_ type of lice. That's just way too cruel! Anyway, read on and see what I mean. And if there's any discrepancies as far as scientific accuracy, forgive me and just ignore it. It's a bit too early in the morning for research.

Experimental Treatment (He Hates Me Now)

"Hey Seph, have you realized how much you're scratching lately?"

Sephiroth looked up from his paperwork, idly raking his nails across his exposed pecs. "No. Why?"

Zack shrugged, signing his name across the bottom of the mission report they had just written for their little jaunt through Corel last week. "You have claw-marks across your chest and neck, and creases across the leather. I've spent a lot of time around you since I joined SOLDIER, but I've never seen you itch this much. It's just a bit strange."

"It's probably just your imagination." The silver-haired man laid the completed mission report in the Out bin on his desk, and reached for yet another piece of printed jabber. "Now let's get back to work, shall we? I don't want to be here all night finishing up this paperwork."

Silence descended upon them once more, as the two SOLDIERs resumed the task at hand. For long minutes, the sound of pens scratching across paper was the only sound in the office.

Until Zack looked up at his boss again.

"Um...Seph? What's with the white specks?"

Sephiroth froze, paling. "White specks? What do you mean by 'white specks?'"

"I mean that there are white specks all over your chest."

His hands immediately went to his hair. "White specks as in dandruff?"

"No. It's not dandruff." Zack leaned across the desk, peering at the exposed vee of skin and muscle. Under different circumstances, it would be a highly amusing little picture, sure to sprout a whole new grapevine of embarassing rumors were a secretary to suddenly happen upon the scene. But the fear on the General's face, and the questioning look on Zack's, belied the concept that something inappropriate was about to occur. "In fact, it looks like some of them are..._moving._"

Sephiroth was absolutely motionless for a split-second, then immediately started pawing and scratching at his chest. "GetthemoffgetthemoffGETTHEMOFF!!!"

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"Body lice." Hojo stabbed at something on his clipboard with his pen, a gleeful smirk playing about his thin lips. "Probably received them while you were in Corel. Did you have a fling while you were there, General?"

Sephiroth gave the greasy scientist his best death-glare. "No. I did not."

"Well, they came from somewhere. But regardless, they have to go. And I have just the treatment." Hojo bustled over to his locked cabinet of multicolored bottles, spun the combination lock, and pulled out a metal bottle. "Here. This should clear up your little problem. Tell me how it works once the lice are gone, won't you?"

Sephiroth took the bottle and sneered at the Wutaian. "You mean to say that you don't know what this treatment will do to me?"

"Well, I only created it last week, and I haven't had a chance to test it yet." He smiled, a chilling expression that always creeped the fearless General out. "Just tell me what happens when you use it, and you can skip your physical this week."

The silver-haired man scowled, but whirled with a flip of his coat and left the room, bottle in hand.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"So how'd it work, Seph?"

"I'm not coming out of here."

Zack shook his head. "Did the goo turn you into a frog or something?"

"No. I just don't want to come out of here."

So he was just being difficult. "Seph, did it work?"

"Yes."

"Then come out of the bathroom."

"No."

"Hope you're wearing a towel, Seph," he muttered under his breath. "We have a meeting we have to go to." Zack raised his leg, tightened the muscles, and then kicked the door. The simple wooden door flew open, accompanied by an outraged shout from the bathroom's occupant.

Zack took one look at him, and burst out laughing.

Sephiroth, wearing a towel around his middle, was completely lice-free. However, he was also purple. As in, every inch of his skin was a creamy shade of violet-blue. His hair was the same as always, but his skin most certainly wasn't. He glared at his friend with narrowed citrine eyes. "Get. Out."

Nodding furiously, Zack stumbled backwards out the door, leaving his superior alone. Sephiroth glared at the mirror again, thinking of ways to kill Hojo.

He was _never _going to be able to make that meeting today.


	63. Religion

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **So, mystic1 (now mysticjc1) has been asking me to do a chapter pertaining to religion for about a month now. Specifically, Catholicism. Well, I've been pondering this, and I think the best I can do is to do a half-way-sorta-kinda-maybe chapter; they don't worship the Father and the Son like we do here on Earth (no idea _what_ or _who_ they worship, anyway). And try as I might, I just can't see Seph holding a rosary and saying the 'Our Father' or giving a few Hail Marys. So, I'm trying something else here by throwing poor mystic1 a bone. You'll see what I mean in a few seconds. Oh, and it's the Greek pronunciation, in case you're wondering: "Yey-zOOs Kris-tUUs."

Religion

"Hey General! Com'ere for a minute, willya?"

Sephiroth blew some stray strands of silver out of his face, wiping a few of the more stubborn hairs away from his sweaty brow. He and the rest of the men under his command were 'excavating'; in other words, the cave in which they had decided to spend the night had decided to have a cave-in, leaving them trapped with a solid wall of rock on either side. This was bad enough, but to just _make _Sephiroth's day, the Turks were with them. Or rather, a few of them had been sent along to handle the 'urban' part of their current mission.

Among them had been the redheaded bane of his existence, Reno.

The Turk in question had not been helping the rest of the men and women with clearing the rubble so they could actually get out. Instead, he had been using some miniature explosives he had brought along to blow holes in the _opposite _side of the cave, in the areas that were somewhat clear of the cave-in. This, needless to say, had resulted in several near-heart-attacks for the beleaguered silver-haired man, who only just managed to stop himself from strangling the hyperactive redhead.

Now Reno wanted him to come closer. If Sephiroth could keep himself from killing him now, he deserved some kind of award. Something along the lines of 'Most Unbreakable Patience Known to Man.'

Swiping as much accumulated sweat and grime as possible off his naked chest (due to the heat, he and the other male SOLDIERs and Turks had been forced to doff their jackets and shirts. The women were down to their sports bras. Pants, however, were remaining on their bodies), the General stalked over to the redhead in question, who was peering through one of the holes in the stone. "What is it, Reno?" he demanded in a low, angry tone.

"I think we may have stopped in another one of those lost temples of the Ancients, General."

"What are you talking about?" he rubbed at his temples, feeling the pressure of a massive headache building there. "There is only one Temple of the Ancients, and we are nowhere near it. We're on the wrong continent entirely, for one thing."

"Haven't you ever heard that the Ancients had more than one place of worship, Seph? That may have been the main temple, but it definitely wasn't the only one." He looked through the hole again, motioned for Sephiroth to take a look. "I think that cave-in may have uncovered the entrance to another church or shrine or whatever."

He wanted to throttle the Turk, but there were too many witnesses for him to pull it off and hide the body in the rubble. So just to humor him (besides, he needed a break), Sephiroth stooped down to look through the opening...

...and just gaped.

The place was a wreck, but it had obviously once been a beautiful shrine, many years ago during the time of the Cetra. There were the remains of gold-and-silverwork laid into the walls, many twining into half-destroyed pictures of men and women he didn't recognize. Symbols were scattered about the cavern, several lying smashed against the floor while others remained standing proudly where their creators had set them. Symbols like crosses, some with sunbursts behind them, others plain. There was one larger than the rest hanging against the far wall, a man attached to the wood by nails in his palms and his feet. Obviously made of wood, he was rotting away just like the pews scattered and broken between the walls. At the front of the cavern, just in front of the rotting man on the cross, was an altar of sorts, a silver affair with a white and purple silk cloth draped over its surface, yet another crucifix worked into the fabric. On top of the altar was a golden canister and a goblet, a crystal decanter by its side, filled with the dried, flaking remnants of blood-red wine.

"Any idea who the hell that is?" Reno asked, peering into the room above Sephiroth. "The dude with the nails, I mean."

"Probably Christus. I remember reading some lore about him back when I was researching the Ancients." The silver-haired man took a deep breath; the shrine, despite its broken state, was still filled with an almost palpable peace and calm, soothing his shattered nerves better than any woman, massuese, or alcoholic beverage he had ever known. "The Ancients worshiped some of their more legendary heroes; Christus sacrificed himself to our human ancestors so the rest of his people could live in peace. He worked towards peace between the two races, and while most of the humans adored him, some hated him. One of his human followers betrayed him, and he was tortured to death on a cross, the most devious method of execution available at the time. Christus was known as a man of great wisdom, as well as the greatest healer ever known to the Ancients. Most of their heroes are lost to time and history, but some knowledge of Christus still survives."

"Jeez." Reno shook his head. "I thought they were supposed to worship the Planet, the Lifestream, or some shit like that."

"They did. But heroes like him were seen as prophets of the Planet's will, sent to maintain the balance for the good of the planet and everything on it." Sephiroth reached into the shrine, picking up a necklace he saw glittering on the floor. It was a string of pure white beads on a golden chain, a crucifix with Christus nailed to it hanging on a separate chain at the bottom. Not letting Reno see it, he stuffed the necklace into his pocket as he stood up.

"Come on. Stop messing around with the explosives. If we don't get out of here and back on schedule, the President will have our heads."

"Ok, Ok. I'm going." Reno grumbled as he stumbled up the incline towards the working men and women, leaving Sephiroth alone, briefly. The silver-haired man took the necklace out of his pocket and looked at it, letting the golden crucifix twirl at the end of its beaded chain. Almost hypnotized, he watched the religious symbol with glittering yellow-green eyes.

"Jesus Christus," he mumbled. "A hero to both humans and Ancients, and yet he never took a single life, nor lifted a weapon in defense of the weak. He healed, he brought people back from the dead, and he became a martyr. Is that really all it takes to become a hero?"

He stuffed the necklace back into his pocket and went to rejoin his men. "Better man than I'll ever be."


	64. What's a Mother?

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor: **Yet another bored-in-class/work/whatever chapter. This one is another one of the 'less about Seph, more about other characters' chapters. I always wondered who exactly told Sephiroth that Jenova was his mother, and I decided I'd write my own explanation. And as for why I put a particular character in here, for some reason he just seems younger than Seph to me. He may be crazier, but for some reason he just comes off as a few years younger. There seems to be a lot of parallels between these two, not just insanity; well, here's a few more. If you don't get what I'm saying, just ask me!

What's a Mother?

"Armelia, what's it like to be a mother?"

The scientist and young mother looked up at the silver-haired boy on the counter, who was swinging his legs nonchalantly while he watched her feed her newborn son. The question surprised her for a moment, until she remembered that Sephiroth had never met his mother.

"To be a mother is...a labor of love," she tried to explain. "You have this brand new life that has been entrusted to your care; it is yours to shape and train and mold into something, a duty to do right by your child, no matter what the cost. You are responsible for this life; to safeguard it with your very life if necessary. It is the hardest thing a woman can ever undertake, but it is far outweighed by the love and satisfaction you gain in return." She smiled at the boy and shifted her son to the other breast. Little Altair spent most of his time in the nursery part of the daycare center, but during Armelia's lunch and dinner breaks, the woman in charge of the center, Nashaba, would bring him up to his mother so she could feed him and spend some time with her infant son. The baby fascinated Sephiroth, and so he periodically came to watch her feed him if he could get away from his minders.

"Are you going to leave Altair someday?"

Her head snapped up, her brown eyes wide with shock. "How can you even say that? I would never abandon my son!"

Sephiroth looked her straight in the eye. "Because my mother left me."

Armelia winced. She had been a friend of Lucrecia's, and even after all these years she remembered the poor woman's broken sobs and whispered explanation of how her son had been taken away by Hojo before she even had a chance to hold him, how she had never been allowed to see him due to the possibility of 'contamination' of a scientifically-pure 'specimen' by an 'inferior' such as her.

Six years old, and Sephiroth had no idea that Lucrecia had no say in the matter. He thought she had abandoned him to the labs and Hojo's tender ministrations _willingly. _

If only she could tell him... But Hojo had threatened her and all the other scientists with even the slightest connection to the Jenova Project with 'most undesirable consequences' should any of them let slip the truth of Sephiroth's origins. The crazy Wutaian was a dangerous opponent, and Armelia had her own son to think about. Hojo wouldn't think twice about killing her and her husband and seizing Altair for experimental purposes.

So she said nothing.

Except...

"Your mother did not leave you willingly, Sephiroth," she told him, choosing her words with utmost care. "She loved you very much. If she had had a choice, she would never have left you here."

"You knew my mother?" In an instant, he went from sullen to the most excited she had eer seen, a remarkable change of emotion for the silver-haired boy. "Who was she? _Where _is she? Why did she leave me here?"

Armelia hestitated.

"C'mon, Armelia! Tell me! Nobody else will say anything. Tell me about my mother!"

Sephiroth was too eager, too earnest, for her to dissuade him now. He was sitting on the edge of the counter, hanging on her every word. In the years since he had taken to hiding in her office and visiting her when he was allowed out of his enclosure, she had grown extremely fond of the little boy. And Lucrecia had been a friend, a close one. She owed it to both of them to divulge the truth.

She took a deep breath. "Yes, I knew your mother. She was a good friend of mine when we attended school together, and we renewed our friendship after Shinra hired the two of us. Her name was Lu-"

"Jenova." The thin, reedy voice of her superior made the blood drain from Armelia's face. She unconsciously tightened her arms around Altair, who let go of her breast for a moment to let out an indignant squawk at the rough treatment. "Your mother was named Jenova."

Sephiroth turned his attention to Hojo, the craving for informatin undimmed despite his hatred of the man. "Jenova?"

"Yes. She was a beautiful woman, full of life and one of the most unique people I have ever met. She didn't talk much, but you always knew exactly what she was saying." He wove his way around the tables in Armelia's office to lay a manila folder on her desk with a file number on it, not giving his counterpart so much as a glance. "It happened during childbirth; she suffered a massive hemorrhage while delivering you, and the loss of blood took its toll too quickly for us to save her life." The Wutaian's black eyes glinted with the light of madness as he looked at his son. "Her final request was that her son be named 'Sephiroth.'"

Armelia bit her lip. She wanted to protest the lie, call up the appropriate files on her computer terminal and show Sephiroth the proof, but her hands were tied. Hojo had turned his insane gaze upon her and her son.

"Now. You need to return to your minders, One. There are a few tests that I have to run before you can go back to your enclosure." Sephiroth glared at him, not moving. Armelia could almost see the fires of hatred in his yellow-green eyes.

Hojo smirked and pulled out a black box with two short metal rods attached, a dial in the center. He flicked a switch; the box began humming and the rods flickered with fast-moving electrical charges. Armelia had seen that contraption - shock-prod, Hojo called it - before. It had always been used as a method of punishment whenever Sephiroth acted out. She had never been able to surpress a sympathetic wince whenever his agonized screams filled the labs.

Sephiroth's eyes widened at the sight of it, and then he was gone, the rapid slapping of his bare feet against the cold tiles the only sign of his departure.

Leaving her and her son alone with the madman.

"Armelia, once you finish with that file and your work for the day, I want you to report to my office. We are due for a discussion, you and I."

Her throat constricting with fear, Armelia only nodded. _I'm sorry, Lucrecia. So sorry..._

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Hojo finished typing and sat back in his chair, folding his arms across his thin chest with a satisfied grin. Sephiroth's birth certificate had been slightly modified; Lucrecia's name had been swapped with that of Jenova. It was the same with all of the offical documents and files he could easily access. Except for a few high-level files, all traces of Lucrecia had been erased from his son's ancestry.

He clicked on a minimized document and read over it one final time. An account of a tragic accident, in which a dangerous specimen had escaped its enclosure and rampaged through the labs, attacking and killing a single scientist before it was subdued. And who had the victim of this vicious assault?

Dr. Armelia Carstein.

Her husband would be receiving a visit from the Turks tomorrow. Due to the discreet swapping of names and locations, Lucien Carstein was now a wanted man, the leader of an anti-Shinra group known as the Sword of the Planet. A man as hunted as he would be shot and executed without mercy before he even had a chance to say anything, if he even saw his attackers. And knowing the Turks, he probably wouldn't. Lucien would never know why the Turks had suddenly decided to kill him.

No worried husband and father, no questions about Armelia's 'accident.'

Or the disappearance of her infant son.

Hojo restored another document. President Shinra had been asking him to create a hidden army of superhuman warriors, insurance on the off-chance that SOLDIER ever turned against the company. Funding for the project had already been granted; all they needed was a test subject on which to experiment and study before they sent the Turks out to recruit new 'SOLDIER' hopefuls of any ages under 20.

Altair Carstein wold soon cease to exist, killed in the same attack that had stolen his mother's life. He ws the first subject of the Deepground Project, the flagship for a new form of life. A new beginning. His assigned name would reflect that 'honor' perfectly.

_Genesis..._

Hojo saved the documents and sent the appropriate ones to the appropriate people. Getting up, he gave Armelia's body a kick as he left the office. He would have a special treat for his test subjects, once the other scientists left for the night. He would also have to drag her into the autopsy lab for a brief surgery.

At least it wouldn't be too hard to remove the bullets from her chest before she became dinner. He didn't want the lead to harm his lovelies, after all.


	65. Take Me Off Your ! List!

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor:** Here's a more recent request from Kd Zeal, who pointed out something I had long since forgotten I was planning on doing... "May I request the telemarketers? You've mentioned them in the summery, but... you haven't provided them! Spam, yeah, but not a TELEMARKETER." Yeah, I have been a very bad Queen. I kept meaning to do that chapter, but I just forgot it as more and better ideas came up. Well, your wish is my command. I'll deliver as best I can with... that damn telemarketer everybody _hates_ and wants to tell off, but can never quite work up the courage to destroy. You know; the ones that never seem to know what the hell they're selling in the first place? And yes, he really does eat steak in the morning. Do you really want to tell Sephiroth that he can't have steak in the mornings? I didn't think so.

Take Me Off Your &#$! List!!!

Sephiroth glared at the computer screen, displeased by an e-mail he had just received from a Sergeant Harrith, stating that his squad was not ready for the simple mission Sephiroth had assigned them this week. He did not see the problem here. All the kids would have to do would be go out into the plains, find a certain monster that had been plaguing travelers, and kill it. What was so complicated about that? Especially since this was a relatively weak monster; the last time one of these had become a problem, a group of cadets had managed to kill it. This squad consisted of _PFCs_; they should be fully capable of handling this mission without breaking a sweat!

In the middle of typing a reply to his spineless underling, he almost didn't hear the phone ringing. When he did, he grabbed it a brought it to his ear just a little too quickly. "General's office. General Sephiroth speaking."

_"Hello, sir. We've just called to tell you about an opportunity to refinance your home. Mortgage values are lower than they have ever been now, and this is the time for you to purchase a prime vacation home in Wutai!"_

A telemarketer. And a more vapid, brainless one than average, by the sound of it. Sephiroth did not need this right now. "Sorry, I am not interested..."

_"If you take advantage of this offer, you will not have to worry about high prices on your mortgage in a few months." _

"I don't even _have _a house, lady..."

_"Well sir, I suggest that you get one now. Only an idiot wouldn't buy a home now, when prices are so dirt-cheap! How many can I put you down for?" _

"Are you asking me how many _houses_ I want?!"

_"Is that one or two? Perhaps you really want to impress people and go for three?"_

Sephiroth took the receiver away from his ear for a moment to just stare at it. Was this woman really that brainless? That eager to make a sale? He got good gil as a general, but he definately couldn't afford three houses! Nor did he even _want _one! He preferred his dirt-cheap, Shinra-issue apartment, thank you very much. "Lady, I want you to take me off your list. I am not interested in anything you could possibly offer me."

_"I'll put you down for two. Now, would you like mansions, ranch-style houses, or condos?" _

"Are you even listening to me? I said, take me off your list!"

_"Mansions, then. I have some prime ones up for sale in Costa del Sol. Really expensive, but for you they're a bargain!"_

"Look, lady. I've had a really bad day. Now take me off your damn list!"

_"Now. Would you also like a vacation package to Wutai?" _

Sephiroth gently set the receiver down, and clicked his fingers. "Masai, let's go."

The tiger followed his master out the door, and the panel slid shut behind them. The telemarketer kept chattering for a few minutes, until she asked for a credit card number.

There was no answer from the empty office.

_"Sir? I need a credit card number."_

No reply.

_"Sir?"_

The silence was total.

_"Sir, don't tell me you'd be stupid enough to not take advantage of this amazing, once-in-a-lifetime deal! Now, I need your credit card number so I can get you your brand new paradi- Oh my god! Who the hell are you?"_

_"I told you to take me off your list, lady. There is a reason none of the SOLDIERs ever piss me off intentionally." _

_"Sir, instead of this, wouldn't it be easier to register a complaint with the front desk?"_

_"Front desk is currently engulfed in flames. As your office is about to be."_

_"What?!"_

_"Masai, flamebroil."_

There was a roaring, whooshing sound over the receiver, a horrified scream, and then silence.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

The next morning, there was a small article on the second page of the newspaper, detailing how a small building in Sector Four had mysteriously gone up in flames the night before. Nobody had any idea how the fire had been started, although arson was suspected. But no proof could be found anywhere to support the theory. The only witness was a single woman, who claimed that a masked man with a tiger had broken into her office and set everything on fire, using a manipulation materia to get everyone else out of the offices before his feline had breathed fire onto her desk, or more specifically, her telephone.

Her friends were seeking psychological aid for the obviously disturbed woman, the article said. There was, after all, no such thing as a fire-breathing tiger.

Sephiroth refolded the newspaper with an evil little smirk and looked at Masai, who was roasting some steaks in the kitchen. "Remember, Masai. I like my steaks well-done, but not blackened."

The tiger growled an affirmation, and returned to its fire-breathing.

His master reached for the remote. "After the first few incidents, you'd think that by now telemarketers would know better than to call my office. That's the sixth building I've destroyed since I was promoted."


	66. Bath Time

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor: **How many chapters have I failed to have Masai make an appearance? Before the last chapter, I think it was somewhere in the thirties area! Well, no more! The flame-breathing tiger is back with a vengeance, thanks to Tainted Shadow Watcher, who offered me this humorous suggestion: "Masai needs a bath." She/He also offered some others, but I'll get to those later. I am so far behind on requests that it's not even funny. Oh, and I am still stunned with unexpected news. Apparently, this fic has been nominated for a Genesis Award! The person who nominated me has already received my slightly-dazed gratitude, so I won't go into that again. But really, you could still knock me over with a feather right now. I mean, I know my fics are good, but I didn't think they were THAT good!

Bath Time

_This has been a most unpleasant day. Of course, any occasion involving water that is not going into my mouth is a terribly unwelcome one. I suppose it was, after a fashion, my fault, but my pet did not have to force this upon me!_

_I see that there is confusion in your eyes. Did you not know that I could speak? As the porcupine-haired one would say, "Surprise." Very well, I shall properly introduce myself. I am the entity known to my pet and his companions as... _

"Masai!"

_That would be my pet. As you can already tell, that is my assigned name; my true name, granted to me by my dear mother, may the Ancients keep her soul, is a bit more difficult to translate. I believe the nearest approximation in the Biped's language is 'Lonely Hunter,' or 'Shining Eclipse;' no matter. 'Masai' is a good name, a strong name. So I have no objections. My pet, Sephiroth, is a good match for me. It is a shame that I am yet unable to properly communicate with him. My species' vocal capabilities do not begin to extend to other languages until our fiftieth year. As I am only thirty-seven, I have quite a few years to go before I can speak the Biped's tongue in more than my mind. And I am yet learning their tongue, as you can probably presume. So until then, I am limited only to body language. My pet, thankfully, is rather adept at interpreting such. _

"Masai, where are you? I know you're in here; I can smell you."

_This is a most undignified position in which I currently languish. You see, I am hiding from my pet. My species is almost an exact physical match to that of the common tiger, but there are far more differences than similiarities between the two. Speaking and the ability to breathe fire are only the two most obvious ones; another, less-obvious one is our differing attitudes towards water. Tigers adore water, and are adept swimmers. My species despises it, for it temporarily prevents us from utilizing our fire for a number of hours. While I know that there is little danger of attack in my pet's apartment, I also know that I feel as if I have been shaved bare without my fire. _

_So I am manipulating the light in this corner to conceal me from sight. My pet would say that I am invisible, but really it is just a matter of reflection and refraction. It is the only power that greasy, smelly, weakling gave to me while I was held captive in his den of which I make regular use. It is unflattering to think of myself as hiding in this tiny corner of the sitting room, when I could so easily escape out the door. But that action would bring the possibility of harm to my pet, and that I am unwilling to cause. _

_Thank the Fangs that no females are in the immediate area. This is certainly not how you make a good first impression upon a potential mate. _

_My pet is not five feet away from me. He is looking directly at me, and I know that he has found me. Sure enough, one skin-clad hand reaches out and grabs for me. It manages to catch my nape, and soon I find myself being dragged from the room towards the bathing chamber. _

_I know what has given me away. Regrettably, whilst prowling about in the weakling's den once more, one of his followers knocked a container of foul-smelling water onto me. I smell worse than a skunk at the moment. And my pet finds that intolerable. At this point in time, he has already rubbed some manner of thick, blood-covered liquid all over my pelt in an attempt to rid me of the smell. So now my own musk is mixed up in the unidentifiable stench and the fruit-like scent. Revolting, especially to my keen nose!_

_But the need for a hated bath is a worse outcome than my current stench. So I resist, sitting down hard and digging into the ground so my pet is unable to move me. But I underestimated him; he pulls me along easily, and all-too-soon I find myself in the not-stone pool once more. He has not accomplished this unscathed, however; his prized silver pelt has been stained by the blood-fruit and there are smears of it all over his arm and side where my tail has lashed him. He has now taken off the night-colored skin that covers his hands, and is running water out of the tubes. I realize that there is little I can do to fight the inevitable, but that does not mean I will not try! _

_The moment he is preoccupied with something, I spring out of the not-stone pool and out the opening, running for the opening to my pet's den so that I may make my escape. _

"Masai, get back here!" _My pet is chasing me; he is nearly as fleet as I. But I am the merest hint faster than he. I make it to the opening and out into the metal tunnel, my wet paws slipping and sliding along the smooth not-stone floor. As I pass, I nearly collide with two of my pet's companions, both of them male: the porcupine-haired one and the male with the fire-tail. I easily evade them, however, and continue running. _

"Zack! Reno! Catch him!"

_So now I am pursued by three Biped males. I have been in worse situations. This should pose no problem to one as fleet of paw as myself. _

_Too late, I come to the understanding that I am not moving of my own accord. The ground here has been polished until it is as smooth as a pool of still water. The metal objects that polish the ground must have passed by a short time ago. My paws can find no purchase on the not-stone beneath them, and I am sent skidding into the opposite wall, which briefly steals my consciousness. It is no more tha a brief moment, but that moment of darkness is enough for my pet and his companions to close the distance with me. Before I realize what is happening, they have lifted me from the ground and are returning me to my pet's den. _

_Back to the much-despised bath. _

"Zack, keep him in place. Reno, make sure that if he gets out again, he doesn't leave the bathroom."

_Thus, the bath commences. I am forcibly held by firm hands at my hindquarters and nape, the latter of which triggers a reflex that forces my muscles to relax and removes my body's ability to fight. That is the area a mother of my species always sets her teeth into when she lifts her young, you see. It remains with us even into adulthood, for that is how a male forces his mate into submission when the breeding season is nigh. Why we males retain the reflex, I am unsure. However, in this case it allows my pet and his porcupine-haired beta to wash me without any further struggle. _

_Once the task is completed, I am soaked, my nose is clogged with water, and I cannot feel the fires raging in their place within my throat. They are low now, and will return to their normal strength with time. But for now, I am no stronger than a mere cub. My pet and his beta remove me from the not-stone pool and rub me with rough white pelts, the same ones my pet always uses after his nightly washings to dry himself. _

"There. All nice and clean again, Seph. Any other impossible tasks you have for us to accomplish before we all go to dinner?"

_I sneeze at the fire-tailed male. How dare he jest when I am dripping and trembling like a weak kitten once more?_

"Well, Reno, I do need someone to clean out Masai's litter-box. And since you did not help Zack and I with the task of bathing him..."

"Aw man! Are you serious?"

"As a heart-attack, Reno." _My pet hands him a rounded tool with a little smirk. _"Get scooping, and be sure to get it all in the bag. Once you're finished, sweep the bathroom. I really don't want to dig any kitty-litter out of my feet when I take my shower tonight."

_I take up a place outside the door as my pet and his beta retire to the sitting room, leaving the fire-tail to clean up my leavings. I take up a guardian position outside the opening; for my pet's sake of mind, he shall accomplish the assigned task to perfection. _

_I may not be able to utilize my inner fires at the moment, but the fire-tail does not know that. My pet is not the only being capable of silent intimidation, after all. _


	67. Welcome to Shinra!

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** Time for another original. I don't know where this idea came from, but I suddenly had this question of what might have happened when Zack introduced Seph to Cloud. Of course, with these two, you know it wouldn't be just some simple "Hey, this is my friend. What do you think of him? Nice to meet you." Here's what _I_ think happened.

**Side Note: **Just in case any of you are interested, I have something big in the works that I need some help with. There are already some people who have signed on to this project, but I need more people before it can get started. If you are interested in helping me and these other authors out with this, send me a PM so I can tell you what we've got planned. All I can say is that it involves Reno...

Welcome to Shinra!

Sephiroth was having a fairly pleasant day, for once. With the new recruits settled in, his schedule was the tiniest bit less hectic, meaning that he could finally relax without having someone run screaming into his office every five minutes. The cadets were in the drill sergeants' hands now; unless something serious came up, he didn't have to dwell on whatever mistakes they were making, or how to whip them into shape for the SOLDIER exams.

All he had to do was review the reports, and occasionally go out to inspect the cadets. Piece of cake.

He took a sip of his Irish creme-spiked cappacino, and returned to browsing through the channels. Friday nights were usually quiet these days, since Zack was drilling the cadets under his command, and Reno had been assigned to guarding Vice President Rufus while he was off vacationing in Costa del Sol. Sephiroth had plenty of time to relax.

He scratched behind Masai's ears and found a good action movie. The tiger purred and rubbed its head against its master's thigh, demanding another scratch. The general complied, feeling unusually good-natured for once. The Irish Creme was beginning to work its magic.

He relaxed back into the cushions, preparing for a long night of movies...

...and then jumped about fifteen feet into the air as someone banged loudly on his front door.

Masai had already turned his gaze toward the offending door, and was grumbling in complaint, his tail switching angrily back and forth against the back of the couch. Sephiroth felt like echoing his pet's muted snarl. Who the hell could possibly be at the door, intent on interrupting his evening of peaceful solitude? Setting his mug down on the coffee table, he went to the door and shoved it open.

Zack stood outside, one arm draped across the shoulders of a teenage boy, presumably one of the recruits. He flashed his patented grin at his silver-haired friend, who just stared at him. "Hey, Seph! Cloudy-boy here and I were about to go out and get some drinks. Wanna come with?"

Sephiroth felt a headache coming on. "Aren't you supposed to be drilling your unit, Zack?"

"Have you even looked at the time, Seph? It's past eleven; the kids have already been released to their rooms for the night."

"Then who's this?" Sephiroth nodded to the spiky-haired blond trapped under Zack's arm, who was staring at him with something akin to idol-worship in his eyes. It always bothered him when people looked at him like that; he was not some kind of freak or something! Despite his fame, he really did no more than the rest of the SOLDIERs under his command, when it came right down to it. He was the best, but that didn't mean the rest of them weren't worthy of merit.

"General Sephiroth, meet Cloud Strife, one of the kids under my command. I'm takin' him out drinking; poor kid's never had so much as a sip before." Zack leaned forward, whispering to his commander and friend in a mock-whisper. "He's from Nibelheim, you see. They don't have any good bars or anything there. No place for a kid to sneak out and beg a few beers."

"There is, too." Cloud glared at the black-haired SOLDIER. "I just didn't want to, that's all."

"Why not? Getting wasted is fun!" Zack suddenly trapped the blond in a head-lock, his free hand madly ruffling the unruly spikes while Cloud struggled ineffectively against his hold. "Weren't a Momma's boy, were you?"

"Get off!" Cloud finally succeeded in extricating himself from Zack's arm and immediately tackled the older man, bearing him to the floor where he proceeded to do the exact same thing, noogie-ing the black hair as mercilessly as Zack had but moments ago.

Annoyed (and secretly amused) by their antics, Sephiroth grabbed the back of Cloud's uniform and hauled him off his second-in-command to dangle helplessly in the air, allowing Zack the chance to get up and brush himself off.

"You've got guts, Cloud. Assaulting your commanding officer? That's enough to get you court-martialed." He watched Cloud's blue eyes grow wide with panic. "However, since your commanding officer instigated the incident, I see no reason to report this. In fact, I think we should celebrate your overabundancy of spine."

"Does this mean you're going out drinking with us, Seph?" Zack inquired with a grin.

"What else would it mean, Zack?" Sephiroth let the hapless cadet down, a smirk playing about his lips. "However, you are paying."


	68. Mix One Blond and One Pool

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor: **I seem to be on a torture-Cloud kick. First I make him sick as a dog, then I nearly give him a heart-attack via possible court-martial. Now I'm doing this to him. Oh, it's all in good fun. I have utmost respect for Cloud... But he's just so easy to tease!

**Last Call: **So so far, I have 9, possibly 10 people helping me out with this project I have going. AmazonTurk, Mysticjc1, String-Home-of-Tolea, Serenitychan13, Kd Zeal, Izzy 283, Sabith, Shiba-X, Jediempress, and possibly LadyNightRunner. If you want to help us with this project, PM me ASAP. Last call, people; last call!

Mix One Blonde and One Pool...

Sephiroth sat on the bench in the men's locker room, staring at his second-in-command and his follower. The trio had decided to go swimming this afternoon as a way of relaxation, and also out of concession to Cloud. The kid was so sore from sparring the last night, the two older men had decided to let him go swimming in the pool in the gymnasium to try and soothe his muscles.

Also figuring into their plans was the fact that most of the female SOLDIERs went there in the afternoon, after they had been released from duty. And most of them liked to do their laps or relax in bikinis.

A straight man's paradise.

However, things had not gone quite as planned. Part of the reason Zack had insisted on the pool was because he was under the impression that his younger friend seriously needed to get laid. Cloud had insisted that there was a girl back home, but when pressured he had admitted it was more of a friendship than a romance. At that point, Zack had dragged him over to Sephiroth's apartment and told him to dig out his trunks; they were going trolling for women at the pool.

Now what could go wrong with this setup? Three hot guys, a pool full of beautiful, well-built women in bikinis, and no other men in sight should mean a lot of fun in the sack later that night, right?

Not in this case, as it turned out.

At the moment, Zack was scrubbing at Cloud's hair with a towel while the latter sat quietly, lips pressed in a tight, thin line, steadfastly refusing to look at the mirror. Sephiroth merely looked on, unable to process the knowledge of what lay beneath the towel. It was so unlikely, it was nearly impossible to believe. This sort of thing just...didn't happen to guys.

Right?

"Ok, Cloud. Let's see if that worked." Zack lifted the towel away, and shook his head when the teen's spikes came into view. Both he and Sephiroth were having a hard time keeping a straight face, and with good reason.

The overabundancy of chlorine in the pool had turned the cadet's blond, gravity-defying hair...

...green.

And not just any green. This was sickly, pea-soup green, the sort of green that usually meant someone was about to be sick. The green that brought back memories of washed-out lawns and penicillian-yielding mold sprouting on bread left too long on the counter. Not a nice green at all.

"Why didn't you tell us your hair reacts to chlorine like this?" Sephiroth inquired, his voice unusually high with the effort of forbidding laughter to escape the confines of his lungs.

"Because I didn't know." Cloud refused to look at himself in the mirror to inspect the damage. "All we had back home was a swim-hole; we didn't have any pools."

Zack muttered something about "stupid backwater towns" and looked at the towel. There wasn't even a streak of green in the terrycloth; the pigment had clung stubbornly to Cloud's hair and didn't seem ready to let go. "Just look at yourself, Spike," he exclaimed. "How do you expect to pick up girls when your head looks like the Jolly Green Giant with hair gel?"

Cloud finally dared to look in the reflective surface, and the shocked look his face took on was enough to send Sephiroth into gales of laughter. "How am I supposed to report for duty and drills when I look like this?" he yelped. "I'd get laughed right out of Shinra!"

"Maybe we could pass it off as some kind of punk hairstyle," the general snickered. "If they think it's a new fad, the other cadets will likely try it, and the SOLDIERs as well."

"Says the voice of experience." Zack reached over and picked up a lock of Sephiroth's luxurious silver hair for emphasis, making sure he didn't pull it. "Reeve told me that when Seph first joined SOLDIER, all the stores were out of silver dye for weeks. Everyone wanted hair like his."

Sephiroth yanked his hair out of the younger man's fingers. "My point exactly. You could start a new trend with that new look of yours."

Cloud didn't seem to have heard them. "Now I'll never get a date with Tifa," he moaned. "Her dad will think I'm more of a freak than ever before!"

Sephiroth swore he saw Zack's ears prick up. The black-haired man sidled closer to his moping friend. "Tifa, huh? So that's the chick you're so hot for?"

Cloud nodded miserably, then comprehension dawned and his head snapped around to the grinning SOLDIER. "Don't even think about it, Zack."

"Think about what, Cloud? You wound me!" He put a hand over his heart melodramatically. "I would not try to steal your girl. After all, there are so many other bounteous flowers of young maidenhood here in Midgar to choose from, so many to keep me preoccupied, that I would have no time for an innocent young lady from your hometown."

Sephiroth and Cloud both rolled their eyes, and the latter turned his gaze back to the mirror. "I look like Heideggar's uniform."

"I'm sure Miss Tifa would vastly prefer you to Heideggar, resemblence or not," Zack chuckled, effortlessly avoiding the boot Cloud sent soaring for his head.

Even Sephiroth had had enough of Zack's teasing now. "Enough, Zack. Cloud, it is a simple matter to remove the chlorination from your hair. I have some shampoo that will sort out the matter nicely, if you'll follow me to my apartment."

"Th-thanks, General!" Cloud got up and grabbed his clothes, moving for one of the shower cubicles against the wall. Unlike the two older men, he was still shy about getting naked in front of other people. Zack and Sephiroth were so used to it by now, the prospect of getting dressed in front of each other didn't bother them.

Grabbing for his clothes and shimmeying out of his towel, Zack looked over at his superior and friend. "You really have some shampoo for that?"

Sephiroth shook his head, and flashed the younger man a mischeivious grin. "No. Just some regular shampoo. But he doesn't have to know that."

"Herbal Essences?" Zack asked, smirking.

"Hell no. Are you crazy?" The silver-haired man reached for his pants. "I'm the only one who _ever_ uses my supply of Herbal Essences. He's getting that lice shampoo Hojo made for me, just in case I got headlice in addition to the body lice."

Zack stared at him. "You realize you just might be condemning him to purple hair now, right?"

Sephiroth only smirked.


	69. Retaliation

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** Since I've been torturing Cloud lately, I think it's time we switched focus. Now, we torture somebody else. I wanted to show that Sephiroth is capable of being really juvenile at times, too, in this chapter. But I also got inspired by one of my favorite TV shows last night, Viva La Bam. If any of you have watched the show, I'm pretty sure you can tell exactly which episode tickled my muses. Oh, and Amazon? Zack's letting you mess around with Reno sometimes, since you aren't technically 'dating' and all.

Retaliation

Sephiroth looked up from his lunch as Zack stalked into his office, immediately hiding his mouth behind a piece of teriyaki chicken when he saw the appearance of the younger man. Zack was soaking wet, dripping all over the carpet. It appeared that he had been doused with a huge amount of water; his spikes were actually lying _flat _for once. His uniform was clinging to his skin, and his combat boots made a squishing noise as he approached the general's desk. He did not look amused.

Trying to keep from laughing, the silver-haired man only made one, tightly-controlled inquiry. "What happened?"

Zack crossed his arms and scowled. "Reno."

"How?"

"Hid in the stairs with a fifteen-gallon bucket of water."

"Why?"

"Said he wanted to see what I looked like without hair gel."

That was too much for him. Sephiroth burst out laughing at the mental image of the redheaded Turk hiding in the stairs, dousing an unsuspecting Zack from one of the higher landings. He chortled and guffawed, hooted and howled until his stomach hurt, and when he finally calmed down somewhat, the look on his friend's face was more than enough to set him off all over again.

When the laughter had finally died down to a small giggle every now and then, Zack spoke up. "Are you finished?"

Incapable of speaking at the moment, Sephiroth wiped tears from his eyes and nodded.

"Good. Now, I need to get him back, but I need your help."

The general nodded again.

"For one thing, I don't know what to do to get back at him. He'd be expecting me to pull the same thing, so I can't do that. Care to give me a suggestion?"

Sephiroth thought for a moment. At the moment, Zack closely resembled the protagonist of a movie he had seen the previous night, a high-school scenerio where these bullies had sprayed the main character with a hose and he had retailiated by giving them all...

"A swirly!"

Zack's jaw dropped. "A swirly?" he stammered.

"Why not? He values his hair as much as you do, and it would certainly be a blow to his ego, if we carried him into the bathroom and flushed his hair down the toilet." The setup was already taking shape in Sephiroth's mind. "He's usually in his office eating right now, and his office has a small bathroom adjoined to it. We could do it in there. Besides, he's a lightweight. Wouldn't be too difficult to carry him, if one of us got the front and the other got the legs."

The black-haired SOLDIER slowly shook his head, more out of amazement than rejection. "Where the hell did you learn about swirlies, Seph?"

The general got up, abandoning his Wutaian takeout in favor of exacting revenge on Reno. "A movie on HBO the other night."

"You watch too much tv, Seph."

He was already striding out the door, Zack hot on his heels. "I know, Zack. I know."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Reno was completely taken by surprise; he had Kandi on his desk, performing a strip-tease for him, when the door to his office suddenly burst open and two blurs rushed into the room, grabbing him and hauling him away from his 'lunch' before he could so much as move. The secretary yelped and grabbed for his shirt, tying it around her waist in a sort of sarong/skirt, as his abductors carried him across the room towards the bathroom, kicking and shouting. Being held facedown, he wasn't entirely sure who had him in their grasp but he knew that whatever they were planning couldn't be good, so he wanted no part of it.

Despite his fighting, however, the pair was able to haul open the bathroom door and haul him inside. Reno's fingers scrabbled at the doorframe for purchase - he knew now what they had planned, and he wanted no part in it! - but the strength of his transporters couldn't be denied; his nails scraped painfully along the metal and away from the door.

The toilet loomed before him, white and unmerciful. The Turk yelled a denial and redoubled his efforts at escape, but it was too late. Before he even knew what was happening, his abductors had turned him upside down and lowered his head into the basin, one holding his legs while the other secured his arms. The plunger was pushed, and suddenly Reno's head was engulfed in swirling waves of water, his ponytail pulled painfully down into the pipes. He shouted and wriggled and kicked, but it was no use; the plunger was hit again and again and again, until the swirly was complete.

The people finally pulled him out of the toilet and unceremoniously dropped him onto the wet tiles, laughing while they left the bathroom. By the time Reno had gotten the nasty water out of his nose and the soaked hair out of his eyes, he and Kandi were the only ones left in his office.

The Honeybee-turned-secretary peeked around the doorframe, her eyes full of mirth. Reno knew she was hiding her mouth because she didn't want to let him see her grin. Kandi was a sadistic bitch sometimes; seeing her latest lover getting a swirly in his own office would appeal to her wicked side. Dripping onto the tiles, he glared up at her from beneath soaked bangs. "Well?"

"Well what?" she asked, her voice high with the effort of preventing laughter.

"Who was it?"

She was shaking now, her eyes tearing up. But still she did not let a single peep escape. "Zack."

"And?"

"S-Sephiroth!" Now she did laugh, and once she started she could not stop. Reno glared at her, then calmly got up from the tiles and went to her, undoing the tie in his ponytail while she was somewhat preoccupied.

Kandi's laughter stopped the moment he whipped his hair forward, catching her directly across the face with the toilet-water-soaked hair. Spluttering and sputtering, she shoved the contaminated hair off her face and glared up at him. "What the hell was that for?"

Reno merely laughed, dragging her up and pulling her towards the shower cubicle in his bathroom. "Tell you what. Let's take a shower, and then we'll get back at those two. Ok?"

She reached in and turned on the water, flashing him a grin over her bare shoulder. "Only if we shower together."

Reno kissed her and reached for the detachable shower-head. "You got it."


	70. Playing Hooky

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Shadowborne is also another band I have created in this universe. More heavy/death metal than Ephemeral. Think of Rob Zombie crossed with Korn and Scar Symmetry.

**Queen's Quornor:** Maybe I should start paying more attention in class… Anyway, here's a chapter I wrote mostly during the aforementioned class. I have often wondered why Sephiroth so often submitted to Hojo, and what might have happened if he just stopped. So, here's a chapter where our favorite silver-haired man finally gets some sense knocked into his skull. And yes, I know I'm totally disregarding Crisis Core here. I haven't played it, therefore I don't have to stay true to it. Get me a PSP and a copy in English, and I just might change my tune, however.

Playing Hooky

Zack stretched and shook his head. Sephiroth was watching the clock on his apartment wall, virtually counting off the seconds until he had to report to Hojo for his weekly physical. It was an obligation, but Zack knew his friend hated it. He could almost feel the waves of unease emanating from Sephiroth's body.

"Hey Seph. Why don't you play hooky today?"

The citrine eyes flickered away from the clock for a moment towards him, then returned to their former position. "Because I have to do this, whether I like it or not."

"Why?"

Sephiroth shrugged. He had never elaborated on _why _he hated Hojo so much, and Zack had never asked. If his friend wasn't comfortable with sharing his past, then he wasn't going to force it out of him.

But he wasn't going to let his friend go see the scientist either. Not this time.

Zack got up from his seat on the couch and, ignoring Sephiroth's protest, took down the clock. Before the silver-haired man could get up from his seat, the SOLDIER had crossed the room and thrown the timepiece out the window.

Facing down an angry Sephiroth was not for the timid. Zack, however, was more than used to it by now. "If you don't want to go to the labs, then don't go! I know what he does to you, Seph. Don't you remember all those times you've crawled into my office or my apartment, covered with your own blood or sick as a dog from whatever junk he's pumped into your veins? After those physicals, I always have to patch you back up somehow, either with materia or a potion or just by talking to you." He crossed his arms over his chest, angry now. "Hojo does so much _shit _to you, and yet you still go back, every single damn week. And for what? So he can shoot you so full of mako that you're practically comatose?"

"Shut up!" Sephiroth growled, balling his fists at his sides.

"Maybe you _like _being helpless. Maybe you think it's kinky for Hojo to strap you down and slice you to pieces. Maybe you get off on having that sick freak shove a damn probe down your damn throat or even up your…"

"I told you to _shut up!_" A black-gloved fist rocketed towards Zack's face, knocking him back against the couch onto the floor. "Why can't you ever pay attention and do as you're told?!"

Zack slowly got up from the floor, glaring at his superior with angry purple eyes. "Then why do you go back? Are you some kind of animal like Masai, returning to your master week after week, no matter what happens?" He looked straight in his friend's furious eyes and spat out a tooth. "You're pathetic."

Sephiroth took a deep breath and crossed to the door, hitting the switch to open it. "Get out, Zack. Just…get out. Before I do something I'll regret."

The younger man stalked to the door, almost trembling with rage. But just before he got outside, he paused and turned his head to look at his superior. "You're the bravest, strongest man I know, Seph. Why don't you start acting like it?"

He didn't even flinch when the door snapped shut behind him.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

The hours passed slowly. Zack tried to keep his mind off his friend by channel-surfing, but every now and then he still found himself looking up at the clock.

9 pm. Sephiroth should be getting out of the labs by now.

Zack kept his ears open for the familiar sound of Sephiroth's slow, heavy pounding on his door, but the herald of his friend's torment never came.

_Hojo must be keeping him late tonight, _he thought glumly.

Knowing that he'd either go mad or storm down to the labs and kill Hojo if he stayed in the building any longer, Zack pulled on a jacket and left. It wasn't Friday night, but he felt the desperate need to drink himself into oblivion. He didn't want to imagine whatever the twisted Wutaian might be doing to his friend.

Were they even still friends? Sephiroth was known for holding grudges. Would he break off their friendship over this? Zack hoped not; aside from Reno, the silver-haired general was his only companion.

_He needed to hear it, _he told himself. _The truth always hurts, but he needed to hear it. _

Aimlessly walking found him a favored bar of his, the Black Cat. Part strip-club, part bar, the establishment was a favored watering hole of his, Reno's, and…Sephiroth's.

Putting the thought out of his head, Zack pushed open the doors and went inside, ignoring the girls on the poles in favor of the bar. "White lightning. Strongest you've got," he told the bartender as he slid onto one of the stools.

The Black Cat was pretty empty for once. Most of the customers were down in the tables and booths, watching the girls dance while they sipped their drinks. He and one other guy were the only ones at the bar, unless you counted the old dude snoring on the counter, drooling in his inebriated sleep. A perfect setting to nurse his gloomy mood. Zack wasn't up for talking to anybody tonight.

The bottle was given to him, along with a shotglass. Zack poured himself a drink and knocked it back, feeling tears spring to his eyes as the fiery liquid burned down his throat into his belly. Strong enough to peel paint off a house. Exactly what he needed.

"Planning on drinking your troubles away?"

Zack looked at the barman, but he was busy mixing a Bloody Mary. He wasn't the one who had spoken. Nor was it the drunk.

That left the guy in the black hoodie to his left, two stools down. The SOLDIER examined him curiously, noting how familiar the voice had sounded. Black hoodie with the Shadowborne logo printed across the front, dark blue jeans, and black suede boots covered the frame of a very tall man. Well-built, too; the hoodie was practically straining at the seams to keep him covered. The hood was up, covering the man's face and hair.

"See something you like?"

Zack glared, trying to figure out what seemed so familiar about this guy. He leaned onto the bar , and suddenly caught a glimpse of silver from within the depths of the hood, shining in the lights from the bar…

"_Seph!?_"

"Nice to see that you finally recovered your brain, Zack."

"What are you _doing_ here?" the SOLDIER asked, ignoring the insult. He moved to the stool next to the older man, taking moonshine and shotglass with him.

"What was the term you used? Oh yes. Playing hooky." Sephiroth took a drink of the vodka sitting in front of him, circling his fingertip along the lip as it was lowered. "Decided I wasn't in the mood for getting tortured for once. So I'm hiding out here until it's safe to go back to my apartment. Hojo's probably having the entire building searched, looking for me."

"Seph, about what I said earlier…" Zack began, but the silver-haired man cut him off with an upraised hand.

"You meant well, Zack. You don't have to apologize." He turned and offered a wan smile. "And I obviously listened, or I wouldn't be here, now, would I?"

The younger man grinned. "Well, how about I cover your tab, then? It's the least I can do."

The general smirked, and returned to his bottle. "If it makes you feel better. I already owe about 37 gil."

Zack snorted. "Damn. You sure can hold your booze, Seph."

"Only when Reno isn't around, it seems," Sephiroth replied, raising his vodka once more.


	71. Just a Child

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** This chapter references the 'Scars' chapter, and it is meant to be sad, with no dialogue. Just Armelia's memories, and a personal belief of mine, the driving force behind this fic. Seph is just like us, even with the Jenova cells and all the crap that was done to him. I hope that point hits home with this chapter.

Just a Child

Armelia could remember the first time she had ever seen him. Just a little boy with shoulder-length silver hair, no older than three years old, locked in a sterile white cell with a glassteel wall and cameras in the ceiling. He had been curled up in the farthest corner from the door, his peridot eyes huge and frightened, with blood running down his arms and chest from a myriad of needle-holes and cuts.

A tiny boy. A defenseless toddler.

Just a scared little kid.

Hojo had brushed off her inquiry as to what he was doing there, informing her that the boy was his greatest scientific achievement, the culmination of the Jenova Project. He was not a part of her project, and so he was of no concern to her.

But Armelia's tender heart wouldn't let her ignore him. So she asked around the labs and found out his name, along with some interesting, disturbing facts. The boy was Sephiroth, the son of Hojo and her old friend Lucrecia, and he had been genetically modified with Jenova cells in an attempt to recreate a living Ancient. She learned very quickly that Hojo and his assistants experimented on the little boy daily, hooking him up to machines to monitor his vital signs, slicing into him to examine his skeletal, circulatory, and muscular structures as well as his organs, injecting him with both mako and more Jenova cells... Sephiroth's screams filled the labs day after day, causing Armelia to hide in her office where she couldn't hear his pain.

She couldn't stand hearing him suffering, but she also couldn't do anything about it. There was a reason she had been so eager to work at Shinra; she wasn't going to give up her career for a child, even if it hurt to just ignore him like this.

And then there were the mental tests. Puzzles and challenges he was set to complete, tasks he had to finish in a terrifyingly short amount of time lest he be punished, tests that forced his mind and heart to the very brink of endurance...

Horrible things no child should ever be forced to see or do.

Armelia felt guilty whenever she passed his cell, felt his eyes watching her pass by the glass wall. Every maternal instinct in her body yelled at her to take him far away from this pristine white hell, so he could never be hurt again.

But she couldn't. Sephiroth's pain wasn't her problem.

She forced herself to ignore the boy and go about her duties, carry out her experiments and walk past his cell without a glance inside. Although he seemed so helpless, she knew he was different. She had seen his wings, the ebon plumage he wrapped himself in at night, after everyone else had gone home. Armelia's project demanded long hours of her, and so she was often the last person to leave the labs.

This had been one such night. Alone in the labs with her experiments and the specimens.

And Sephiroth, of course.

On her way back to her office, she passed his cell once more, her head bowed as she contemplated the results to one of the day's experiments. But her head snapped up and around as her ears picked up the sound of quiet sobs.

Shocked, she stopped to look into the cell. Sephiroth was curled up tightly in the farthest corner once more, hiding his face behind his hair and his hands, one coal-black wing wrapped closely around his body while he wept.

Only one wing? Where was...

_Oh. _

He had turned slightly, and the bloody stump on his left shoulder was horribly visible through the opening in his lab-issue backless gown. The merest mound of flesh and bone, cut so close to his skin that it looked more like a gouge than a stump. Armelia knew how much he loved those wings; often he went to sleep cocooned in them, snuggled deep within the soft feathers.

Hojo must have taken the other wing off to study it, and had not seen fit to heal his son.

Armelia felt bile rise in her throat but choked it back down. Hojo was a monster, but Sephiroth was just a little boy, and he was hurting. He had just lost one of the only things that had been his and his alone, and he could never get it back. She couldn't just leave him like this.

Using her keycard, Armelia opened the cell door and stepped inside, propping the door open slightly so she wouldn't be trapped. Sephiroth turned his head to look at her, tears streaming from his puffy, reddened eyes, when he heard her come inside. Armelia didn't say anything; she only knelt and opened her arms, a silent offer she prayed he understood.

The silver-haired boy stared at her for a long moment, then lurched up and ran into her embrace, crying harder than before. She held him and called upon the Cure materia in her armlet, the dreadful wound vanishing as if it had never been there in the first place. The other wing folded into his back, and she stroked his head and back soothingly, letting him pour his pain out on her willing shoulder.

He was just a child. No different from the rest.

Just a child.


	72. Introduction of the Green Bitch

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor:** Requests. I haven't done any in a while, have I? Bad me! No biscuit for me! I send me to bed without dessert tonight! Anyway, now that I have finished lecturing the hell out of me, here's request I pulled out just because, well, it was near the top and I didn't feel like digging through all those reviews for the farthest-back unfinished one right now. It comes from AmazonTurk, and she wrote: "write a cameo with Akalara and Kandi going to the bar with the guys! That'd be fun! Kandi can really hold her liquor too." Well, you all already know who Kandi is, but I'm betting most of you are wondering who Akalara is. Akalara is a character I created in SoulCalibur3's Create-a-Soul Mode and gave to AmazonTurk for her fic, "Operation: Assassination" (it's damn funny, accurate, and worth the time. Go read it when you're finished with this one! Akalara's applicant number 4!); in essence, she's one of my alter-egos, and one of my favorite OCs. She also shows up in two of Mysticjc1's fics, but since those are set in an AU, I'm not tying them together with this chapter (sorry, Mystic!). I hadn't originally planned on using her in my own fics, but I suppose I have every right to; although AT is her primary writer, she technically _is _mine. Besides, I write Kandi, who belongs to AT and is also written about by her. We really a fucked-up duo, aren't we? Anyway, let's see what I can do to get Akalara in here... Oh! I have it! Amazon... Remember how you first introduced Akalara? Ever wonder how she got so good at that in the first place...?

**Trivia: **This is probably the only time Akalara will ever have a last name, but this one isn't her real one either. After her parents abandoned her in Sector 5 when she was little, she gave herself a new last name. Wanna guess what she took inspiration from? And can you guess something else she and Seph have in common? Hint: it's plastered right across her chest!

Why it Pays to Be Different

Sephiroth lifted his vodka to his lips, amused by the interplay between Zack and his secretary. The pair had been going out on their usual Friday night drinking binge with Reno, but the Turk had been called back to his superior's office 'on a matter of some importance regarding a disturbing lack of documentation missing from his files.'

In other words, the paperwork he had avoiding filling out this month was due.

By tommorow.

In lieu of the Turk, Zack had asked Kandi if she wanted to come along, and she had readily agreed. So here they were at the Black Cat, sitting at a booth and watching the show while they drank. Friday night was Co-Ed Night, so in addition to the usual female dancers, they had entertainment for the ladies and homosexual men as well. Right at the moment, there was a pair of topless women and a G-string-clad man onstage, with the two ladies dancing and grinding against their male partner as well as the poles. Kandi was drooling over the well-built man, and Zack was checking out the red-haired woman he was dancing with. Nothing like a pair of working lovers who allowed each other to go with other peoople.

As for Sephiroth, he was watching the other woman in the trio, a well-built petite woman with dark green hair slithering about her shoulders, and exotic eyes the color of cranberries. Nice chest, too. She was currently climbing the pole with one foot on the floor, sliding up and down the metal with one leg hooked around it, the intense look in her eyes sending shivers down his spine. Oh yes, she was watching him. Just as he was watching her. Checking out the goods, measuring what the he had to offer her. Dancers weren't paid to have sex like Honeybee girls, nor were they expected to get with their customers.

But once they were off the stage...

The silver-haired man didn't have a partner for the night like Zack did. Perhaps it was time that was remedied.

"Who's the green-haired girl?" he asked, still watching her.

Zack reached for the list they had picked up on their way in; instead of announcing who the dancers were, the club just left programs giving their stage names and the songs they were doing that night. "Umm... Her name is..." He peered at the page, brows knitting together in confusion. "Green Goddess?"

"Numbskull. That's her stage name!" Kandi snatched the program away and glanced at it. "The name's Akalara, the Green Goddess. Her partners' names are just as corny: Callistrine the Crimson Cherry and Xalrindar the Carnal Conqueror." The ex-Honeybee shook her head in disgust. "How cheesy can you get?"

"Thinkin' about tryin' some new meat tonight, Seph?" Zack asked, taking another swig of his whiskey.

"Am I not allowed to get laid as well, Zack?" The silver-haired man arched a brow as he thought over how many bottles he had seen the barmaid replace since they had arrived. "How much have you had to drink, anyway?"

"Not enough to make him sloppy in the sack, General," Kandi quipped with a wink. "I'm sure you can attest to the fact that he's even more insatiable when he's smashed than he is sober!"

Sephiroth shot her his best death-glare, then returned his attention to the stage. The number was wrapping up; the green-haired dancer had already disappeared behind the backdrop, leaving her two partners to emulate vertical sex onstage. Somewhat miffed that she had left, he went back to his drink and scowled at the tabletop.

Women just...didn't ignore him.

Kandi smirked and lifted her tequila, gesturing with her little finger. "I think you may have made an impression, General."

He looked at her quizzically.

"Forget impression. Try new friend. Turn around."

His mind beginning to feel the effects of three bottles' worth of tequila, the older man turned his head.

There, standing behind him, was the dancer.

She had thrown on a pair of jeans, boots, and a ripped, torn black Ephemeral shirt without the sleeves; if anything, the tight-fitting shirt made her even sexier than her dancing attire. She didn't say anything. She just stood there with a tiny, knowing smirk playing about her lips.

Surprised by her forward nature, Sephiroth was momentarily at a loss for words, reduced to just staring at the exotic woman like an idiot. The sound of Zack clearing his throat, however, spurred him into action. "Would you like to sit down?"

She laughed, a beautiful sound. "Yes, I would. Dancing in stillettos always makes my feet hurt."

Feeling like a dumbass, Sephiroth scooted over and let her slide into the booth beside him, trying to ignore the half-drunk giggles coming from his friends. "I can see how that might be a problem. Stillettos are murder on the feet."

"And you would know this from personal experience?" she asked, still smiling.

The question stunned him. "Uh... I...No, wait...I..."

Alcohol. It was a terrible ally when you wanted to formulate an excuse or denial.

Now both of the girls were laughing. Zack was just staring at him, appalled. "I jest, General. I was kidding. There is not a pair of stillettos in the world that would fit a man of your size," the dancer apologized, letting her eyes follow the vee in his coat down to his lap.

"How are you so certain of his size?" Kandi asked. "Feet aren't the best way to measure a man's presumed size."

"I agree, actually. Nothing better than hands-on experience." The dancer stole a sip of vodka, mirth dancing in her red eyes. "Why do you think I got into this job in the first place?"

"Heh. Girl, you should have applied to the Honeybee Inn. Gorgeous gal like you would get a lot of requests there." Kandi patted Zack's shoulder. "I was one of the girls there before Blackspike here gave me a better deal."

"Sorry. Not into the whole bumblebee getup. Besides, there's something really nasty about grinding against a pole while guys fondle themselves under the tables. And this club pays better than the inn, when you add in the tips dancers get onstage."

"Voyuer, then?" Zack asked, reaching for his secretary's tequila. She swept it protectively close to her chest, hiding it behind her arm.

"My tequila!" she declared in a little-girl voice. "You no touch!"

"Meanie." He pouted, pooching out his lower lip like a little kid.

Sephiroth and the dancer looked at each other, then burst out laughing. "Who would have thought that the mighty Zack Fair would be reduced to _this _when he's drunk?" she giggled.

"You would be surprised as to his behavior when he's smashed," the silver-haired man replied, chuckling. "It's like he's a completely different man." He looked at her. "So... What's your name, since you already know who I am?"

"I am Akalara Forrest, otherwise known as the Green Goddess." She shrugged. "You always get odd nicknames when your hair is like mine."

"Or mine." Sephiroth lifted a lock of his hair for her examination.

"True. Normal people always label us because we're different." She shared a look of complete understanding with the silver-haired man, before Kandi interrupted her.

"Green Goddess, huh? You know what I think would be a better name?"

"No. What?"

"Green Bitch!" she laughed. Zack guffawed right along with her, ignoring the dirty look Akalara was shooting her. Sephiroth shivered; with those red eyes, she could look positively demonic when she was angry. Her death-glare was almost as good as his!

"Akalara, how about you and I go somewhere a bit more private?" he asked, finishing his vodka with one gulp. "Where these drunks won't interrupt us."

"I think I would like that, Sephiroth." She stood up and let him get out of the booth. "Would you like to see my explosives?"

The silver-haired man looked at her in surprise. "You make bombs?"

"And guns. And disguises." She shrugged. "It's a hobby."

He nodded thoughtfully, then guided her out the door with a firm hand at the small of her back. She was exotic, beautiful, had a really nice chest, and she knew what it was like to be different. Maybe it was time he pulled a 'Zack' and got himself an in-building, easy-access bed-warmer.

"Have you ever considered joining the Turks?"


	73. I Shall Call Him MiniMe!

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. And I also do not, to my deepest chagrin, own the Earth equivalent of the first video game mentioned in here. I wish I did; it's my favorite series!

**Queen's Quornor:** I chose that particular quote from Dr. Evil with a purpose in mind. Specifically, a little request sent to me by S.J. Cappock, who wrote: "Sephiroth + Action Figure of Himself ? It's something I've always wondered about 90 of the FF characters; what would they do if they came across an action figure of themselves? I think it would be great fun!!" You made me curious as well, so I decided to recount my Seph-muse's reaction to my Sephiroth action figure, and throw in his reaction to a little conversation I had with one of my friends awhile back. The second type of doll I mention here goes by a different sort of name in Japan/Korea/China, but they do exist, believe it or not.

I Shall Call Him...Mini-Me!

"Hey Seph!" Zack bounced into his superior's office, a brown paper bag in his hand. "I bought you something!"

Sephiroth looked up from the game he was playing on his brand-new Gamestation 2, raked his gaze over the nondescript bag, and returned his attention to the television. "What is it?"

"You'll have to open it yourself." Zack looked at the game on the screen; a red-clad woman with black hair was hacking through hordes of hideous monsters with an oversized, skull-hilted sword and a pair of pistols, shouting corny phrases all the while. "Whatcha playing?"

"Demon May Weep. You should try it sometime; this game is absolutely the most wicked thing I have ever played!"

Zack blinked. That was the first time he had ever heard anything even remotely related to slang come out of Sephiroth's mouth.

"Yeah...I'll borrow it some other time. Here! Open your gift!" he exclaimed, shoving the bag under the silver-haired man's nose.

"You're such a pain, Zack." The general paused his game and snatched the bag, grumbling indecipherably as he opened it and looked inside.

Then just stared.

Zack was grinning ear-to-ear. "You like? I found it while I was taking Kandi and Akalara shopping."

Wordlessly, Sephiroth reached a hand into the bag and pulled out the contents, placing them on his desk where he could get a better look at them.

A minature version of himself, rendered in plastic, consistant down to the last detail. It even had a stand and a plastic Masamune.

"Like it, Seph? It's an action figure. You, me, Angeal, Genesis, Tseng, and Reno all have these things modeled after us and sold in stores. Shinra struck a deal with some toy company to make them." Zack reached into his pocket and pulled out another doll, this one of himself. "Pretty cool, aren't they?" he asked, making the plastic figurine wave its buster sword.

"They're...definitely something." Sephiroth resisted the urge to look up the doll's coat to compare sizes. "So what exactly am I supposed to do with this...mini-me?"

"That's a good name for it, Seph." Zack took the action figure and stuck it up on one of the shelves beside the office's couch. "Just leave him here. He can be your office's guardian or something."

"Tell me this is the only type of action figure they made of me," Sephiroth groaned, massaging the bridge of his nose.

"Actually..."

Peridot eyes met violet. "Drop the other shoe already. What else is there?"

"Well, keep in mind that you're not the only one, all right?" Zack was having a hard time keeping a straight face. "Some of the dolls in the store were...um...larger, and...well...more expensive...and...er...anatomically...co...correct."

"Large, anatomically correct dolls?"

"Yes."

Sephiroth stood there for a moment, utterly motionless, then was suddenly consumed by a full-body shiver of revulsion. "That's disgusting!"

"They're called 'practice dolls.' Guess what most girls and guys seem to be buying them for?"

The general shivered again, then abruptly crossed to his cabinet of video games. He pulled out Bloodbath, a gory first-person shooter that had earned the title of "Bloodiest Game of the Year" with ease a few months ago, then went to the GS2 and swapped it with Demon May Weep. "I am going to erase those images from my head by murdering as many cyber-opponents as I possibly can. Care to join me?"

"Nope. That's what I got Kandi for. She's really good at getting things off my mind." Zack crossed to the door and went out it, then stuck his head back in. "Oh, I thought you should know. Reno has a practice doll of you now."

He slammed the door shut and raced down the hall, laughing madly as an ear-splitting "_Ew!_" resonated from behind the general's door.


	74. Consequences

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Sabith has given me a request: "maybe you should do a kind of follow up chapter about his and Hojo's 'discussion' the next time he visits, no doubt the man would be far cruler as a punishment for sephiroths disobidience. i would actualy really like to read that if you wouldent mind taking the request." I was planning on getting around to this sooner or later. Trouble was, I really don't like hurting Seph in my fics. He's already had enough shit done to him, I don't want to add to his pain. Yes, I know he's a fictional character, so don't get started on that, ok? I'm not the only person around here who thinks of this bunch, or other video game/movie/anime characters as if they were real people. To a lot of the writers I know, they _are _real people. Anyway, since it was requested by more than a few people, or at least hinted that they would like to see it, I guess I had to get around to it sooner or later. So here we are, one week after "Playing Hooky." I hope you guys enjoy this one; it was not easy to write. Oh, and I had originally planned for Christine to be the other woman in the quintet, but then I remembered that she has a newborn baby right now. So Akalara's taking her place from this point on during the Friday night/weekend chapters that take place after "Life." Christine's still going to be in the fic; she's just a responsible mother right now in addition to a secretary. Forgive me if the spell I name is not the one that can get rid of all poisons in the game. I have to borrow someone else's copy whenever I want to play it, so obviously I don't get to play FFVII very often. Hopefully, come this Christmas, that'll be remedied.

Consequences

"Seph, open up already!" Zack banged on Sephiroth's door impatiently. "C'mon, man! The beer's gonna get warm, and I know how you hate warm beer."

Friday night was upon them once more, but since it was storming, the two SOLDIERs had elected to stay in, drink beer, and watch porn in the general's apartment. Kandi, Reno, and Akalara would be joining them around midnight, after the secretary finished up her work for the day and the Turk and the rookie-in-training was released from the training session. For now, it was just the two men.

"Aw, to hell with it." Zack set the beer-and-ice-filled cooler down and pulled out his slide-picks, jamming the card reader and opening the door in no time flat. The door slid open and the black-haired man stepped inside his superior's apartment with the beer. "Seph? Where are you?"

There was a sudden rush of feet, and Masai barrelled into the living room. He threw a frantic look to Zack, then ran down the hall.

Towards the general's room.

Suddenly very afraid, Zack dropped the cooler and followed the tiger, dreading what he might see. Sephiroth had had an appointment with Hojo earlier, as usual. Anything could've happened.

Pushing open the door, Masai padded into Sephiroth's inner sanctum, the younger SOLDIER hot on his heels. His eyes fell on the bed, and a gasp of horror was his only reaction to the scene before him.

Sephiroth was lying on the bed, shirtless. His chest, stomach, and arms were glistening with his own blood and sprinkled with nameless pieces of ragged skin and tissue, deep cuts and gouges scattered across the flesh almost at random. The blankets, the sheets, and his own silver hair were soaked with his blood. Occasionally his body twitched, and the skin seemed to move on its own. He seemed to be unconscious.

"_Seph!_" Zack raced for the bed, his fingers searching for a pulse the moment he reached the silver-haired man. He knew his friend was better at utilizing his body's mako for regeneration than most SOLDIERs, but this... Was this enough to kill him? There was so much blood on the bed and his skin the sheets couldn't absorb all of it; he was lying in a puddle of it.

There was a pulse, albeit a weak one. He was just barely alive.

Zack looked down at his armlet, and cursed every single god he knew of; he had left his Restore materia in his own apartment, on the next floor down. It didn't feel like Sephiroth had time to spare for him to go and retrieve it; the skin on his arms already felt cold to the touch.

Wracking his brain, Zack suddenly remembered something. The general always carried a mastered Restore materia on him at all times, in case one of his SOLDIERs got hurt.

Scrambling for his friend's right arm, he could have cried in relief when he saw that he was indeed wearing his armlet, and the materia was in one of the slots. Popping it out of Sephiroth's armlet and into his own, he immediately cast a Cure3, praying that the spell would work in time.

The horrible wounds vanished within seconds, keeping what remained of Sephiroth's blood supply in his body where it belonged. His skin, however, kept jumping at random moments, the muscles beneath the surface twitching on their own. What had Hojo _done _to him?

Probing at his neck again revealed that the older man's pulse was getting stronger, slowly. Zack sat back on his haunches, uncaring that his pants were getting soaked in blood, and looked at Masai. "I think he's gonna be ok."

No sooner had he spoken than there was a thick, ripping sound, a noise that always accompanied a blade slicing into the body's deepest, meatiest regions. Horrified purple eyes snapped back to the man lying on the bed, taking in the long gash that had spontaenously opened diagonally across his abs, almost as if someone had taken a knife and stabbed it in to drag deep within his abdomen. Blood was already pouring out of the wound in fast rivers.

"Seph! No!" Zack slapped a hand over the wound, trying to keep the blood inside his friend. "Cure! _Cure!_"

Green flashed again, and the wound was gone a moment later. But instead of relaxing, the black-haired man stayed tense, wondering if it was going to happen again.

It did. Again and again and again. Whenever Zack healed him, a few seconds later a new wound tore open somewhere on Sephiroth's body, spilling what precious little remained of his blood across the sheets.

Almost midnight. He was running out of magic.

"I need a fucking ether, Masai!" he yelled at the tiger. "Does Seph have any around here, somewhere?"

The white tiger had been pacing back and forth at the edge of the bed for hours, growling worriedly. He looked up at Zack, and somehow the SOLDIER could tell from his eyes that the tiger didn't know if his master did or not.

"FUCK!" he shouted as yet another wound tore open, this time across Sephiroth's left arm. "You're not dying on me, Seph! You're not!"

"What's going on?" He whirled around to see Kandi, Akalara, and Reno standing in the hallway. The brunette's eyes widened when she saw Sephiroth. "What in Odin's name happened to him?!"

"Do any of you have an ether? I need one now, or he's going to die!"

Reno and Akalara shoved past the other woman, hands already outstretched. "Turk cadets had materia training today. We have plenty of extras," the redhead informed him, voice tight with worry.

"Thanks, guys." Zack downed Akalara's proffered ether, then healed his superior again.

"Holy shit! What's wrong with him?" Reno demanded when yet another wound ripped across his chest.

"I have no idea. I found him like this, three hours ago. He was...a lot worse." Zack cast yet another Cure spell. "This happens no matter what I do, and I don't know how to stop it!"

Kandi had left the room, and now she came back with a bowl of water and a rag. Sitting down on the bed opposite from Zack, she began gently wiping the accumulated dried and still-wet blood off the general's body. "Maybe it has something to do with whatever's making his skin jump like this?"

"Probably. Whatever it is, Hojo did it. Seph had a physical today."

"That fucking bastard..." Akalara gently brushed some blood-crusted hair off Sephiroth's collarbone and reached into her pocket. "I haven't unlocked Cure2 on this materia, but it's fresher than that one probably is by now. You can use it if you want," she said, offering her own Restore materia.

"Thanks, Ak." Zack put Sephiroth's materia aside and slipped hers into his armlet. "I know how much of a pain it is mastering materia, and that one is."

"Somehow, I don't think the general'd be upset if you used it up keeping him alive." Kandi wrung out the rag and stood up, taking the bowl into the bathroom to change the water. "Maybe an Esuna would work to get that...whatever-it-is out of his system?"

"I have no idea. Any of you have a Heal materia?" Zack closed yet another wound.

"I do." Reno handed him a green sphere. "It's not mastered, but it does have Esuna."

"Thanks, man." Zack popped it into his armlet and cast the spell, after healing Sephiroth one more time.

The room seemed to hold its breath, waiting to see if it worked or not. After about five minutes, when no wounds spontaneously appeared, they all relaxed.

"Praise Bahamut," Zack murmured, looking at the woundless, scarred torso of his friend with relief.

"No. Praise Shiva," Akalara retorted playfully.

"Odin," Kandi put in.

"Don't forget Ifrit," Reno spoke up.

"How about all of them?" Kandi compromised. "If not all of them, then let's thank ourselves. After all, he's alive thanks to us."

"Good point." Zack looked up at them. "Thanks guys."

"No prob."

"Did you expect us not to help?"

"You're welcome."

Akalara sat down near Sephiroth's head, making sure his hair was out of the way first. "So what now?"

Reno took a seat in the chair against the wall. "We wait."

"He's going to be okay." Zack looked fierce. "He's going to wake up, and he's going to get up, and he's going to be just fine."

"How can you be so sure?" the green-haired woman inquired, stroking the general's face with one careful hand.

"Because if he doesn't, I'm going to kill him myself, then Phoenix Down him so he wakes up anyway. He's going to recover if it's the last thing I do."

"And then Hojo's going to pay for this," Kandi vowed, her face grim and coldly furious. "One way, or another. This means pain for that bastard."

Three heads nodded their acquiesence, and then everybody settled down to wait for Sephiroth to wake up.

Or for Zack to kill him, then resurrect him. Whichever came first.


	75. Deaths of a Scientist

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Several of you have asked for it, and I am going to do it. Hojo is about to pay _big time _for almost killing Seph in the last chapter. And don't expect me to be kind to that bastard. Apart from Jenova, Hojo is my least favorite character in the game/s. Obviously, I can't kill him, since I'm trying to keep this fic basically canon. But that don't mean I can't torture him, again and again and again. Shinra has a ton of Phoenix Downs, and Reno and Seph both have Revive materia. Oh yes. Professor Hojo is definitely going to get what's coming to him...

**Warning: **This chapter is pretty graphic. It's not M rated, but it's still pretty graphic. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Deaths of a Scientist

Saturday night, 11:45 pm. Most of Shinra's personnel had left the building by this time, the SOLDIERs, cadets, MPs, and Turks retiring either to the apartment buildings or their homes on the plate. A bare few, however, remained in the building throughout the night, diligently working on whatever they felt required their attention.

Professor Hojo was one of these. He had an experiment that urgently needed his supervision, lest the specimens fail to produce the offspring he hoped to get out of them, and so he was still in the labs, typing up his notes while he waited for the pheremones he had injected the female with to take effect and the mating to begin.

He was alone in the labs, save for the specimens. All the other scientists had gone home for the night. It was quiet, just as the Wutaian liked it. The sound of his fingers dancing across the keyboard echoed through the labs, a soothing mantra that he found more relaxing than any type of so-called 'music.' It was dark and shadowy, with only the glow of the computer monitor providing light to the empty labs. Hojo had turned the lights off, knowing that these particular specimens needed near-total darkness in order to copulate. Or at least, one of them did. The female only required darkness as a way of ensuring her cooperation, so she did not attack the male when he snuck up on her.

What he didn't know was that he was _not _alone in the labs. Hidden in the shadows or the vents or wherever they pleased, there were figures watching him. All thin enough to hide in small crevices between equipment, all save one with glowing eyes hidden behind sunglasses so as not to give themselves away. All focused on the lone, oblivious scientist with murderous intent.

A signal was given, a quick flash of a hand, and one of them suddenly slipped across the room into a closer position to the occupied computer terminal. This was soon followed by another figure, this one smaller and slimmer than the first, flying across the pipes on the ceiling on little cat-feet, soundlessly. A third intruder slid along the wall behind the opaque holding tanks, slender enough to fit behind them as it was lacking something the former two had possessed in the general chest area. The one who had given the signal remained behind the air conditioning vent, eyes fixed upon the preoccupied scientist. Hojo still hadn't noticed their presence.

Two of the figures contorted their hands in a series of gestures, asking if it was time. The third remained in its position, uneducated in the silent language of the others, a system of hand gestures used by the Turks and SOLDIERs when radio silence was required. The intruder in the vents gave an affirming gesture, and the watcher up on the pipes readied a small blow-gun, slipping a feathered dart into the hollow tube soundlessly. The one hiding behind the holding tanks reached out slowly, wary of attracting the scientist's attention, and the black-gloved hand flashed, then quickly retracted.

A glass beaker fell off the table on which it sat, falling to the floor and shattering into a thousand glittering particles, the sound shockingly loud in the silent lab.

Hojo spun around in his chair, eyes already searching the darkness for the source of the noise. Spotting the broken shards, he got up and went to them, examining them curiously. The one who had knocked the beaker off the table had already darted back down the tiny passage behind the holding tanks, gone and out of sight.

Hands flashed to the figure on the pipes, who raised the blowgun to its lips and took a deep breath. Hojo had just stood up when a small _phoot!_ echoed, and a moment later a feathered dart had stabbed into his neck. He slapped a hand up and yanked the green-plumed needle out of his flesh, but already the potent venom within had seeped into him. The Wutaian swayed, and abruptly fell to the ground, out cold, his face landing square on the shards of broken glass and imbedding them in his flesh.

As soon as he hit the floor, the intruders came out of hiding. The two on the ground came out from their hiding spots, the one on the pipes tumbled to the ground with only the lightest _thump_, and the vent flew across the room as it was kicked out, allowing the person within to climb out. They all gathered around the drugged scientist, and removed their masks and sunglasses.

"Good shot, Akalara. Hit him right on the carotid artery," Reno congratulated, smoothing down his red spikes. The masks always gave him the worst static imaginable.

"Thanks, Red." The green-haired woman was already on her knees beside Hojo, checking his pulse. "Although I have to admit, I did have a great teacher. Kandi, did you take care of the security cameras and sound-recorders like I told you?"

"Of course." Kandi had set up the ultra-micro portable supercomputer Reno had given her to use, and typed in some commands. "The tape you guys set up to jam it with should buy us about five hours, tops."

"That's good." Zack grabbed Hojo and slung him over his shoulder, not even flinching when the scientist's head smacked against the table as he lifted him. "Now, let's set the recording equipment up and get this fucker strapped down. Reno, did you remember to bring the stuff?"

"Blackspike, please. Of course I did." Reno left for a moment, and came back with a big black box. By the time he returned, Zack and Akalara had lugged the scientist over to one of his examination tables and stripped him down to only his underwear, strapping him down with the cast-iron bonds. Once that was done, the two of them went out into the hallway and back into the vents, retrieving bags of equipment and items they had brought along for the night's work. Kandi went to the redhead and helped him open the box, setting up video cameras on tripods around the table. Both women and men looked completely disgusted when Hojo was disrobed, but quickly resumed their appointed activities.

After a few minutes, all was ready. A rolling table had been dragged close to the examination table, and various items and nasty little tools laid out atop in, within easy reach. Cameras had been set up to record the proceedings, and bright lights had been set up to shine directly in Hojo's face from overhead, so that when he woke up, he would be blinded and unable to see much more than the silhouettes of their faces.

Sephiroth had specifically requested this. He was still recovering from his brush with death yesterday, and was unable to leave the couch for more than a few minutes at a time. Therefore, the four avengers were recording Hojo's punishment so he could see it later. He had asked them to remove their masks during the session; he wanted to know who had done what to Hojo.

When Kandi gave the thumbs-up, Akalara pulled a needle out of her bag and took the cap off, squeezing it to make sure no air bubbles remained in the tube. Once liquid came spurting out, she jabbed it into Hojo's neck and pushed the plunger, then stepped back.

Hojo came to slowly, blinking furiously at the light shining in his eyes, blinding him. He was lying on something hard, and he felt cold. When he tried to get up, he realized that he was being held down by straps on his wrists and ankles. One of his own examination tables, he realized.

There were shadowy figures at the edge of his vision; the cursed lights were rendering them unidentifiable. "Greetings, professor," one of them said. It wa a man's voice, a lazy drawl. "Hope you're...comfortable. You're going to be in that position for awhile."

"What's going on? I demand that you release me!" Hojo screeched.

His antagonizers chuckled cruelly. "I don't think so, professor. You see, we are here on a matter of vengeance." It was a woman's voice this time, low and throaty. Playful.

"You have hurt a friend of ours, many times over. And that requires payment, of the 'eye for an eye' variety." Another female, somewhat higher than the first, but still low in the throat, probably to disguise her identity.

"Payment?"

He felt something sharp, something cold, stroking along his abdomen. "Yes. Payment." A second man, this one slightly higher-pitched than the other. Hojo wracked his brain trying to place their voices, but found himself unable to concentrate. _Probably a side-effect of whatever substance they used to subdue me, _he thought.

A moment later, he screamed as the cold, metal object dug into his flesh, tearing a wide gash open across his stomach. Another metal instrument followed, this one sporting three thin tines; it was rammed into the open wound and dragged perpendicular to it, ripping apart the tissue and stripping the skin away. He screamed helplessly, writhing in agony as four such instruments worked over his torso, tearing him open by increments. When the skin and muscle was stripped away, he felt them insert a vice into his chest cavity, and shrieked in pain as it was used to crack his ribcage in half down the sternum, spreading the ribs wide apart to get at the soft, vulnerable organs nestled within.

He squirmed uncomfortably when he felt a thin fingertip tracing circles atop his liver. "Such a healthy-looking organ. No signs of cirrhosis or disease or anything. You don't drink, do you, professor?"

Hojo couldn't answer. He was too much in agony to even shake his head.

"Well, that just won't do. Nobody in Shinra has a completely healthy liver these days."

"Even the President indulges."

"Don't you follow the will of your president, professor?"

"This has to be remedied." Something raised high in the air. A clawed hammer. The hammer was brought down on the blunt side, and another high-pitched scream echoed around the labs in reply. This process of hammering his liver was repeated several times before the hammer was laid aside.

"Does it hurt, professor?" One of the women, sitting near his head, her face hidden by the lights shining above. She stroked the side of his face almost like a lover, the touch soft and gentle. "Do you feel as if death is preferable to this?"

"Yes!" he gasped. The other three were now slicing at his liver and gall bladder, cutting them to pieces.

"Do you wish to die?"

"Nn-_aaaahhhh!!!_" Someone had just unmanned him, and was not paying any attention to the bleeding; he could feel it spurting up to splatter across his naked thighs.

"Are you certain, professor?" the woman purred, playing with his hair. "I can put you out of your misery, so easily..."

He shrieked. He was being _violated_ by something thick and cold and made of spiked metal And it hurt so bad...

"All you have to do is say 'yes, kill me.' And I will end your pain."

Hojo fought against the waves of agony, beginning to drown in his own blood as his lungs were punctured. "Y-yes! K-k-ki-kill me! _Please!_"

Long, gentle fingers smoothed some hair away from his sweaty brow. "As you wish, professor." She suddenly grabbed his chin and forced his head back, baring his throat. A moment later, a knife slashed across his throat before plunging into his heart. Hojo could have cried as he felt himself begin to rise from his mortal form, into a light so pure that mortals could never behold it and live...

But then he screamed in denial as something dragged him back into his broken shell, healed his wounds and forced him to continue his miserable life.

They had used a Phoenix Down on him.

"Did you honestly think we would let you go that easily? You have _years _of pain to answer for." The other woman, her voice cold and cruel.

"Your torment has only just begun, professor," the drawling male voice informed him, just as that most important, though not often used, part of him was removed once more.

"And you're going to answer for everything you've ever done to our friend. Every. Single. Thing." The seductive woman punctuated every word by stabbing something round and rough into the open wound, wringing a scream from the pain-maddened scientist with every movement.

"Give me that rusty spoon. I think he has some eyes that he doesn't need anymore."

Hojo saw the silhouette of a spoon being passed from one figure to another, and then fingers roughly grabbed his eyelids, forcing them open. The spoon hovered at the edge of his vision.

"You'll get them back. Eventually."

Hojo screamed again as his eyes were dug out of his skull.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"So what do you think, Seph? Were we thorough enough for you?" Zack asked, stopping the tape.

Sephiroth nodded, and dragged Akalara closer to his side on the couch. She did not resist, happy to snuggle up against him. "More than thorough. You four did more to him than I ever thought of."

"Well, Turks have to know how to torture somebody, and Zack and Kandi have their imaginations to make up for the lack of training," Reno said, taking a swig of his beer.

"How many Phoenix Downs did you use, anyway?"

"Fifteen." Kandi scooped some popcorn into her mouth, reaching for her soda. "We also used that Revive materia you let us borrow, something like, what...twenty times?"

"I lost track," Akalara admitted. "Too busy messing with his head."

"Sadist," Zack accused playfully, looking at the green-haired woman.

"You know it, Blackspike," she replied, sticking her tongue out at him with a grin.

"No, I don't, actually. If I did, Seph would kill me."

"That I would." Sephiroth pulled her even closer, keeping his arm around her waist. "Mine."

"I'm sure she doesn't mind, general," Kandi piped up. "Right, Green Bitch?"

"No, I don't. Not at all."

"Does he remember any of this?" the silver-haired man inquired.

"Nope. Wiped his mind with a Manipulate materia. He thinks that that entire thing was just a nightmare." Reno grabbed the remote and turned up the volume slightly. "All evidence has been disposed of, except that tape."

"_Tapes_, Reno. We each have a copy, all of them from different angles." Kandi said with a smirk.

"Whatever." Zack joined Kandi on the opposite end of the couch, pulling her into his lap and kissing her cheek, making her laugh. "At any rate, it's going to be awhile before Hojo can get back to the labs. I heard he was so traumatized from that 'nightmare' that he asked for about two weeks leave from work. Takin' a vacation in Costa del Sol, believe it or not."

"So you don't have to report to the labs for awhile, general," Akalara murmured, playing with the fingers of his free hand.

"I know." Sephiroth smiled at all of them. "And really, that's the best 'get well soon' present any of you could have given me."

"No prob, Seph. That's just what friends do." Zack started the tape again. "Now be quiet; the good part's coming up."


	76. Secret Dream

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **And now, we have a request for fluff from mysticjc1: "You should do a chapter with Christine's new baby. I'd love to see her kid!" Well, your wish is my command! Meet Christine's new baby daughter! This particular chapter ties in with a little oneshot of mine, "Dreams," and contains a small hint to the future of another character I have created...

Secret Dream

Sephiroth had never been comfortable around babies. It wasn't that he hated them or anything; they just made him uncomfortable. They had for as long as he could remember.

Sitting in his office now, he had a certain sense of deja vu. Christine had asked if she could feed her newborn daughter, Axys, in his office because she didn't want to have random people walking in on her, and he had granted his permission. After all, he'd seen all she had to offer before, so this wasn't anything new. But watching her, he couldn't help thinking back to the last time he had done this... Watching a brown-haired woman in a labcoat, her tiny son at her breast...

He shook his head, chasing the memory away. To this day, he still didn't know what had happened to either one of them. "Still not going to say who the father is?" he inquired of his secretary.

The golden-haired woman shook her head with a knowing smile. "I think it's perfectly obvious who he is," she said, stroking Axys' vivid red hair. The baby squeaked contentedly and snuggled deeper into her mother, sucking sleepily at her breast.

"It could just as easily have been silver. Wish it was..." Sephiroth muttered. His eyes widened when he realized he had said that aloud.

Christine looked up at him in shock, but then her gaze softened, transformed into quiet understanding. "You want to be a father, don't you?"

He nodded reluctantly, not looking at her.

Christine smiled and gently separated Axys from her breast, raising her to her shoulder and patting her back until a small belch was heard. Standing up and rearranging her shirt, she approached the silver-haired man's desk. "I can't just give you a baby, General. But I can make you Axys' godfather. That is, if you want to be."

Peridot eyes looked up at her, and there was earnest hope therein that she had never seen in her boss' eyes before. "Really? You'd let me?"

"Of course. You could have been her father just as easily, Sephiroth."

"I...I accept your offer, Christine. Thank you for your generosity."

The secretary smiled and walked around the desk. "Would you like to hold her?"

Sephiroth nodded, and Christine carefully positioned his arms before laying her infant daughter in the arms of one of the deadliest men on the planet. Sephiroth watched, mezmerized, as Axys cuddled in against his chest, her head turning into his warmth. "She's so tiny," he remarked softly.

"I know," her mother replied, beaming.

"Does Reno know?"

"He knows. He already offered to marry me, so she would have a father." Christine's eyes clouded slightly, but she sighed and shook her head. "I turned him down. Reno's a good man, and he is Axys' father, but I don't want to spend my life with him."

Sephiroth nodded, gently stroking the velvet-soft skin of the baby's cheek with one gloved fingertip. "I pity the woman who must spend her life with him. Reno is not an easy man to live with."

Christine smiled and glanced up at the clock. "I have to get back to work now, and Valerie's probably waiting to take Axys to the nursery. Can I have her back, please?"

"Of course." Sephiroth returned Axys to her mother and sat back in his chair as she went for the door. "Thank you, Christine."

"It's no problem, General." The secretary paused, then looked at the silver-haired man over her shoulder. "Be patient. Sooner or later, you'll have a woman and a son or daughter all your own. Just be patient."

He nodded, his mind wandering to Tareyna, his first love, and then Akalara, the woman with whom he was currently infatuated. Was it possible that she could...?

"I know, Christine. I know."


	77. Even Worse Discovery

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor:** You are never going to believe where I got this idea. Have any of you ever seen the Blue Collar Comedy Tour's last DVD, _One for the Road_? Well, if you haven't, towards the end of the show there's a picture of Jeff that they're all commenting on that has a pair of sailors (see the picture, draw your own conclusions) wearing... Well, basically the same thing Seph's wearing here. Anyway, it's hilarious, and it got me thinking... And so, this little idea has come into being. Reno's a naughty boy with a serious death-wish, isn't he? Or was it even him at all...? I know at least two of you know what a 'magic bullet' is, and so they can appreciate what that missing bit is going to be used for!

Nasty Discovery Number Two

It was a familiar feeling, unfortunately. Reno woke up with hangovers often enough that he could recognize one from a mile away. And by the pounding in his head, he had been hitting the bottle even harder than usual last night.

_Cold shower... Need cold shower... _he thought, lifting himself from the floor on shaky arms.

As he got up, the Turk blearily examined his surroundings. He and the others had had a drinking party in Zack's apartment last night, and from the looks of things they all had deigned it necessary to stay there while they slept off the effects of such heavy drinking. Zack, Kandi, and Valerie were all sprawled in a pile between the couch and the coffee table, like they had fallen off it sometime during the night. Very little clothing remained on their bodies, but the redhead was unable to recall if they had engaged in anything sexual last night or not. As was usually the case with such hangovers, he was missing quite a chunk of his memories from the past few waking hours. Sephiroth was laying on his back in front of the television set, Akalara draped across his naked chest with only her bra, her thong, and a pair of leather gloves on. Her 'pillow' was in a better state; he was still wearing his pants, though his trademark leather coat was nowhere in sight.

Then Reno remembered that Sephiroth hadn't worn the coat into the apartment last night. He had worn a simple vest, instead. It was hanging off the edge of one of the chairs in the dining room area like some forgotten Yule decoration.

Felisha had somehow gotten up onto the dining room table and was currently curled up on the wooden surface with only a lampshade and her miniskirt to serve as clothing. As for the Turk himself, he had crawled under the metal platform Zack had screwed into the wall for his Gamestation and DVD player; he discovered this fact when he banged his head on the underside of it.

Rubbing the back of his head and muttering a curse his mother would have scrubbed his mouth out with lye and steel wool for, Reno got out from under the shelf and struggled to his feet, weaving his wobbly way to the bathroom. Once he had completed his somewhat muted business therein, he returned to the living room with the intention of going to the kitchen and making some coffee.

But he stopped short when he absentmindedly laid eyes on the couple in front of the television set.

_What the..._

Sephiroth had rolled over onto his stomach, unminding of his green-haired lover in his sleep. She was still laying across his back, but now the back of her head was inches away from his ass.

His _naked _ass.

Someone had cut a hole in the leather pants at some point during the night, turning Sephiroth's pants into assless chaps.

Reno could not help himself. He threw his head back and laughed, his entire torso shaking with the force of his mirth. He lost his balance and fell on his ass, but he still couldn't stop cackling. He laughed until tears streamed from his eyes and his sides ached.

The remaining six sleeping, hungover occupants of the apartment were jolted into painful awareness rather quickly, and soon Reno found himself getting yelled at from three different directions.

Well, actually they were hissing at him. Nobody could really stand loud noises at the moment.

"Reno, shut up!"

"Be quiet!"

"If you don't shut up, I am going to rip your intestines out through your damn nostrils!"

"Shut up, or I'm gutting you when I can move!"

"If you know what's good for you, you'll be quiet _now_."

"Reno...!"

Suddenly, another voice joined his. Kandi had noticed the state of Sephiroth's pants, and was now laughing her head off. Now everybody's anger was directed at her as well.

"Seph, do you feel a draft?" she whispered, glazed eyes twinkling wickedly.

"Huh?" The silver-haired man turned his head to face her, his eyes slitted against the light and barely visible beneath the fallen strands of his bangs. "What're you talking about?"

"Akalara, I'd suggest you don't turn your head."

The Turk-in-training apparently wasn't the best at listening when she was hungover. She turned her head...

...then shrieked and flung herself away from her lover, one hand pressed against her pounding heart. "Seph! Your pants!"

"What about them?" he mumbled, eyes already closed once more.

Akalara grabbed one of his hands and transferred it to his backside, letting him find out for himself exactly what was wrong.

The gloveless hand patted gently, then squeezed. The owner of the hand in question launched his torso up and twisted around as much as he was able, peridot eyes absolutely shocked as they fell upon his exposed ass.

"What happened to my pants?!" he yelled.

Everybody else immediately covered their ears, wincing at the volume. "Seph, what are you..." Zack cracked his eyes open, and stopped short. He levered himself up and stared. "What in Bahamut's name...?"

Felisha was the next to realize what all the fuss was about. "Well, that's certainly an unexpected sight. Pretty nice, though."

Valerie couldn't help laughing. "Damn, Akalara. If that's what you get to wake up to every morning... Would you mind letting me take your place one night?"

"Not a chance, Val." Akalara was still staring, unable to take her cranberry eyes off the firm, rounded, muscular perfection that was her lover's backside.

"Stop staring and find me a blanket or something!" the silver-haired man snapped, rolling onto his back and scooting up against the television so fast Reno wondered if he had gotten rugburn.

That thought only sent him into gales of mirth all over again.

"Here, General." Kandi flung an afghan at him from the back of the couch and began untangling herself from her boss and Valerie. "Any idea how this happened?"

"I wouldn't know, Kandi. I was as drunk as you last night!"

"Well, whatever happened wasn't an accident. The edges of the leather are too clean to have been a simple tear. Not that things ordinarily tear themselves in a circle or anything..." Akalara helped her lover tuck the afghan around himself. "Somebody had to have done it to you."

Peridot and violet eyes immediately turned to Reno, who shook his head violently. "I know better than that! Don't go looking at me this time!"

Felisha arched one brow. "_This _time?"

Zack grunted and levered himself off the floor. "You tell them and you won't live to see another sunset, Reno," he growled.

"Do I detect a scandel?" Valerie inquired in a singsong voice.

"No." Sephiroth pulled the afghan more securely about himself. "One of you, get me a long shirt or something. I have to get back to my apartment, but not like this!"

"Yeah, don't want you flashing anybody who passes by," Kandi snickered. Both Akalara and Sephiroth shot her dirty looks at that.

"I'll get you something." Zack staggered to his feet and went for the bathroom. "I have a few shirts that might meet the requirement. Just hold on a moment, ok?"

Valerie grinned. "I'd still love to know who did this."

Sephiroth burrowed even deeper into the afghan. "You and me both."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Felisha entered Kandi's apartment with her hands stuffed in her pockets, a wide grin on her pretty face. The younger woman turned up the television and held out her hand. "You got it?"

"Yep."

"And the evidence?"

"If you mean the scissors, disposed of."

"Gimme."

Felisha passed her a folded swatch of black leather, accepting a roll of gil in return. "I really thought he was going to wake up when I did it. Man's got a really ticklish ass, far as I can tell."

"What are you complaining about? You got to see it, didn't you?" Kandi unfolded the leather to reveal a large circle of black leather, the stitches suggesting that it was once a part of a pair of pants.

"True, but not for long, unfortunately. Akalara rolled over before I could get too much of a feel." Felisha pouted, then brightened. "Even so, it was a nice feel."

"See? I told you!" The younger secretary smirked. "I wonder if he'll ever figure out who cut the hole in his pants? Hope he doesn't; this is going to make a really good bag for my magic bullets!"

Felisha laughed. "Kandi, you're definitely one of us. There's no way I can deny it any longer; only a bonifide secretary of the Shinra Electrical Power Company would ever think of using a swatch cut from the ass of Sephiroth's pants as a bag to hold her sex toys!"

Kandi grinned. "Yeah, I know. Geniuses, aren't we?"

"More like damn lucky."

"That too."


	78. My Secretary the Bellydancer

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. The Desert Roses is also a real bellydance dancing team, but I'm only borrowing the name here.

**Queen's Quornor:** I promised my friend Mysticjc1 that she could have an alter ego/secretary on here too some time ago, and she has given me her secretary. Everybody, I would like to introduce you to...Lily! Oh, and since Lily is also a bellydancer in addition to a secretary, I have thrown in several other cameo appearances from some of my favorite dancers. Yes, I'll freely admit that I like bellydancing too. I may not be able to _do _it, but I love watching people do it! So my favorite members of the Bellydance Superstars are going to be making cameo appearances in this chapter. If any of you are interested in seeing what these women look like, how they dance, and what music they're all dancing to in this chapter, just PM me and give me your e-mail address so I can send you the videos. All of them are from their performance in the Folies Bergeres in Paris a few years ago, if that helps narrow it down a little.

My Secretary the Bellydancer

"What are we doing here again?"

Sephiroth and Reno both sighed. "I already told you, Zack. We're here because Reno's new secretary is performing tonight."

"It's her big debut! And I want to be here when she goes on the stage," the redhead said, heading for a row of seats.

"So what is she doing, exactly?" Zack inquired, sitting beside him.

"She's a bellydancer."

The SOLDIER grinned. "So she's a stripper?"

"No." Now his companions were glaring at him. "Let's get something straight, Zack. Bellydancing is a women's art-form. It is a style of dance that women alone can perform; very few men can pull it off successfully, though there is such a thing as a male bellydancer. It is meant to be beautiful and tantalizing, _occasionally _erotic, but not sexual." Reno leaned back in his chair and watched the lights dancing across the stage, letting Sephiroth take up the lecture from there.

"In fact, most bellydancers hate it when people compare them to the harem girls of yesteryear. This is art, not sex." The silver-haired man tossed his mane over his shoulder. "Practically all of them keep the two as separate as they can. Bellydancing is meant to emphasize flexibility, muscle control, and balance, not sexuality."

"So basically, you can look but don't touch unless they say you can," Reno translated. "My girl's not the norm, I can tell you that much, although she usually keeps that rule too. Not much for drinking, either."

"And no jacking off in the seats," Zack put in with a sly look at his redheaded friend.

Reno looked hurt. "C'mon, Blackspike. You know me better than that! I'm crude, but I'm not obscene."

"Quiet. It's starting," Sephiroth hushed as the lights dimmed.

A wailing, plaintive sound filled the air, silencing the audience as effectively as any emergency alarm or command for quiet. This was the music of the desert, of the people who had made their homes in that unforgiving environment long before the Golden Saucer was built. Exotic and beautiful. Full of mystery.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may we present to you... The Desert Roses!"

"Adore'!"

A dusky-skinned woman with curly black hair back-flipped onto the stage, clad in wispy, flowing fabrics of a crimson hue, and began to dance.

"Sharon Kihara!"

A black-haired woman with red streaks in her mane, wearing a costume that was far darker and more chaotic, almost tribal, than Adore's flowed onto the stage, her arms writhing about her body with snake-like movements.

"Rachael Brice!"

Another woman, her midriff bare just like those of the first two but wrapped with a single rose vine tattoo, dressed in a similar fashion to Sharon, slithered out of the wings to join in the dance.

More women followed, garbed in either the flashy, ephemeral skirts end bras of the first woman or the darker, more primitive style of the second.

"Jillena!"

"Ansuya!"

"Michelle Cambelle!"

"Petite Jamilla!"

"Amar Gamal!"

"And the newest addition to the Desert Roses, Lily!"

The ladies bowed gracefully to their enthralled crowd after their first number, then danced off-stage. Sephiroth handed Zack a handkerchief.

"Wipe your chin. You're drooling," he scolded.

"Sorry, Seph."

The first to dance was Ansuya. She came out twisting and spinning, playing tiny finger-cymbals between thumb and forefinger on both hands, her long hair and layered purple skirt swirling around her. The music was fast and upbeat, and by the time she was finished, everybody in the audience was clapping in time with the music.

Amar Gamal was next. Clad in a shining white skirt and bra with turquoise stones set in strategic areas, she had a pair of loose, ribbed wings attached to her back (wings of Isis, Reno informed them). The music was powerful, an old tune played on newer, electronic instruments, and her skill with the wings was truly dazzling.

The three oddly-dressed dancers took the stage next. Unlike the previous dancers, their movements were slower and more pronounced, more subtly eye-catching than the others. Theirs was a showcase of grace, synchronization, and absolute muscle control. Their music was a mirror of their movements, stirring the primitive instincts that exist in every 'civilized' human being even after centuries in their cities. Sephiroth had to admire them; these ladies possessed greater mastery over their bodies than he could ever hope to attain.

Lily followed the trio. She came onstage in a red costume decorated with gold sequins, a nearly-transluscent red veil in her hands. As she began to move, it quickly became clear to Sephiroth that she meant to display the more erotic side of bellydancing. Her music was slow and powerful, music that called to memory passion and sweat-slicked skin, bodies sliding together in the most ancient of all dances. Her performance emulated the song, beginning first upright before lowering to the stage, laying down and writhing and shimmeying in a horizontal position before rising to her knees and spinning around the stage on them, ending her number with a sultry look over her shoulder, still on her knees.

As she got off the stage and Petite Jamilla came out, the silver-haired man returned his attention to his comrades. Zack looked thunder-struck, and Reno was merely smirking. "Like you said, the art is designed to showcase what a woman's body is capable of that a man's is not," the redhead commented.

"That is the first dance I have ever seen performed on the floor instead of on your feet," Zack said with a low whistle.

"That was not traditional bellydancing," Sephiroth said quietly.

"Whatcha mean?" Reno asked, aqua eyes glued to Jamilla's spinning veils.

"It was nearly identical to both styles of desert bellydancing, that is true. But Lily's dance was almost purely Wutaian harem-style." Sephiroth sat back in his chair. "Now that I think about it, she does look familiar..."

"Shit, you were there with the General when the army was 'negociating' with Lord Godo, weren't you?" Reno asked.

"Yes, I was. What of it?"

The Turk settled back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "I'll let her tell you herself, once the show is over. Just remember: Lily is my personal assistant now, under my pay rather than Shinra's. So you can't throw her out, ok?"

"Sure, Reno. Now shut up and let me watch the show."

RLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRL

Lily's dressing room was very easy to find; the girls already seemed to know that she was connected with Reno, and so pointed him the right direction when he asked where to find her. After knocking and being invited in, the two men opened the door. Lily was sitting at her makeup table, carefully removing the bindi decorating her forehead. She glanced at them in the mirror, and a smile broke out across her face.

"Reno! I didn't know you were actually going to come!" Her deep green eyes traveled down his front to the top of his pants. "Thanks for not embarrassing me by 'coming', if you know what I mean."

"Hey, I've got more class than that, babe." Reno went to her and wrapped his arms around her, spinning her on the stool to face Sephiroth. "I want you to meet my buddy, Seph. Seph, this is my personal assistant, Lily."

"Hello, Lily." Sephiroth crossed his arms and leveled a knowing green gaze at her. The extremely wavy brown hair, the soft curves, the eyes... Yes, he remembered her now. "Or should I say... _Saiyuri._"

Lily dropped the bindi she had collected in her hand, the rhinestones bouncing haphazardly across the carpet as her eyes went wide with shock. "How did you...?"

"I was with General Barvitsere when your master sent you and rest of his harem to 'entertain' us. As I recall, however, you were merely one of the dancers rather than a participant."

She smiled. "I didn't think you'd recognize me. That was a long time ago, and I wasn't completely grown up yet. Neither were you, for that matter."

Reno looked confused. "You know each other?"

"Only in the most minimal sense. I used to be a member of Lord Godo Kisaragi's harem, before Shinra forced him to let us go free. I was his youngest concubine, kept more as a dancer and mystic than a bedmate. I was a bit too young to appeal to him that way." A smirk played about her rosy lips. "I learned plenty, though. Remember the tantric stuff I taught you?"

"You learned that there?"

"Yes. Among other things." She didn't seem at all ashamed of this fact.

Sephiroth had to laugh. "It's no wonder Reno likes you so much, Lily. You will fit in perfectly with Kandi and Akalara, Lily. Welcome to Shinra."


	79. Cute Little Destructive Menaces

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. NEWSFLASH: Square Enix also owns the characters from whom I steal the names of the 'little menaces.'

**Queen's Quornor: **Since more than a few of you have asked so nicely... We have had requests for the return of the puppies that Masai liberated from the labs. The reason I haven't really done anything with them has been simple: I couldn't think of anything to do with them! So I sat in my corner and pondered for awhile, and at last raised my arm and finger into the air and shouted "_Eureka!" _The puppies, as per request, have powers. And each pup has been named after characters from another famous S.E. game/s who use those powers or at least look like their canine namesake. The pups have also changed appearance, meaning their fur has grown out or shortened or whatever and the color of their pelts has changed. Hey, it happens in real life; dalmations' spots don't start showing up until two to four weeks after their birth. I had plenty of experience to draw on in the realm of normal puppy behavior, though. My mom used to breed and raise English Springer Spaniels. Try to guess who the last two are!

Cute Little Destructive Menaces

"Larxene! Put that down!"

A little yellow puppy with big green eyes raced into the living room and under Zack's feet, carrying a black leather glove in its mouth. The SOLDIER could have sworn he saw the miniature canine smile at him as it ducked under the armchair, where it would nearly impossible for its pursuor to get at it. Sephiroth jogged into the room and dropped to his stomach beside the armchair, sticking one arm into the puppy's hidey-hole. The puppy narrowed its eyes and the silver-haired man jumped as a jolt of yellow electricity shot from the puppy's hide to his hand and up his arm.

"Larxene..." he growled. "Give me my glove back. _Now. _"

The puppy play-snarled and shook the glove violently, teeth bared and ears flopping adorably. The yellow fur crackled with electricity.

Zack smiled and settled more comfortably into his seat on the sofa, still stroking the puppy in his lap and reading the book propped up against his knees. The puppy, a little blue/silver/lavender creature with one ear flopping over his right eye, stared intently at the book, completely ignoring the antics of his sadistic sister. "I don't think she wants to give it back, Seph."

"You know, you could stop petting Zexion and help me get it away from her," Sephiroth grumbled, glaring at the victorious Larxene.

"Or if I was a really nice person, I could stop Axel from running off with your boot," the younger man commented, flipping to another page.

"What?" Sephiroth turned around to see a skinny puppy with fur the color of blood and fire, as spiky as Zack's own hair, determinedly tugging one of his long black boots backwards into the kitchen with pleased little growly noises. "Axel!" The puppy dropped the boot and leapt onto the couch beside Zack, his aqua eyes dancing with mirth. "I swear, between Axel and Larxene, I'm surprised I have any leather accessories left," the silver-haired man grumped, retreiving his boot. "Either Larxene chews them to pieces, or Axel turns them into soot."

"And Roxas steals your keys." The runt of the litter, a yellowish-brown puppy with bright blue eyes and hair even spikier than Axel's, was prancing by with Sephiroth's set of keys clamped between his teeth.

"At least I know where he takes them. Masai always brings them back when he's finished chewing on them." Sephiroth stood up and threw his boot back into his room, narrowly avoiding hitting Marluxia with it. The pink-furred puppy shot a glare at his owner, thorny vines snapping into being beneath his paws, then lifted his nose in the air and flounced off into the kitchen, followed by a shower of pink flower petals.

"Hey Seph. Don't you think there's something weird about Saix over there?" Zack asked, nodding to a blue-furred, wolfish-looking puppy standing on the arm of the chair closest to the window, his amber-colored eyes fixed directly on the nearly-full moon outside. "I mean, he's always staring at the moon whenever it's out... And it's downright creepy, especially with that little white X between his eyes."

"All of these puppies are head-cases, Zack. That's why Masai and I are taking care of them." Sephiroth plopped down on the armchair under which Larxene was hiding, watching as the final member of the litter, the uncrowned 'leader' of the pups, crawled out from beneath the couch. This puppy had a snow-white, spiky coat of longer fur than most of the others, and his eyes were the color of burnished gold. Sephiroth had named him 'Xemnas.'

Most of the pups seemed to respect him and give him space (except for Saix, who he seemed extremely close to); the exception was the fearless Axel. The two SOLDIERs watched the red-furred puppy tamp down on the couch, cyan eyes fixed soley on Xemnas, and pounced, bearing the white-furred puppy to the floor and proceeding to play-fight with him, chewing on his ear. Xemnas yelped and shook his head, tearing his ear out of Axel's teeth, and narrowed his golden eyes. A pair of red laser beams shot out of the pupils, nailing Axel right on the tail. The red puppy cried out and slapped one paw down on the ground, sending a small wave of fire rushing at Xemnas. Now the fight was serious; neither puppy was playing anymore.

"Shit! Zack, grab Axel!" Sephiroth commanded, snatching Xemnas out of harm's way. The younger man set Zexion aside and scooped up the fire-loving puppy and stamped out the flames, holding tightly to Axel as he tried to squirm out of his grasp. "I swear, these pups are more trouble than they're worth sometimes."

"Hey, they can't help it they have these powers. Hojo's the one who spliced their genes with cells from certain types of materia. Blame him!"

"It's not just random, Zack." Sephiroth sighed and petted Xemnas. "These pups are all a lot smarter than your average canine. Well, maybe not Roxas. I'm not sure what to think of his obsession with my keys."

Zack heard the door opening and glanced over to see Masai entering the apartment. He felt his eyes widen.

"Um... Seph?"

"Yes, Zack?"

"Are you sure there weren't any more puppies in the labs?"

"Absolutely. Why?"

"Look at Masai."

Sephiroth followed his gaze and groaned. Clamped tightly in the tiger's jaws were the napes of two additional puppies, one a brown and grey brindle with an extremely long tail, only one eye, and a jagged scar covering the other one, and the other newcomer the same color as Roxas but with bright green eyes and shorter fur. The white tiger set them gently on the floor and settled onto his haunches as Zexion hopped off the couch and came over to investigate, sniffing them with an almost scholarly air before sneezing and returning to Zack's lap.

Sephiroth shook his head. "Well, I'm glad someone approves of them. Because now I have a grand total of nine additional mouths to feed!"

"Not to mention clean up after..." Zack smirked, watching the one-eyed puppy lift its leg against the armchair. Beneath the chair, Larxene narrowed her eyes and sent a jolt of electricity into the puddle, which had spread so that one of the brindle's paws was standing in it. The one-eyed pup yelped in pain and ran off into the kitchen.

"Actually, they tend to discipline themselves," Sephiroth said with a smirk. "Or at least, Larxene does. She's the closest thing to a sadist I've ever seen in a canine."

"Savage little thing, isn't she?"

Sephiroth sighed and continued to stroke Xemnas' ears as the sound of leather being ripped to shreds resonated from beneath the chair. "You have no idea."


	80. Security System, Meet Reno

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. NEWSFLASH: Square Enix also owns the characters from whom I steal the names of the 'little menaces.'

**Queen's Quornor:** I didn't think the puppies would go over so well! I mean, yeesh, the pups' reintroduction got more reviews than any of my other chapters thus far! Since there seems to be such a clamoring for them, let's do a request that involves them, shall we? Anami-chan sent me this one: "Reno 'likes' to 'sneak' into Seph's apartment, isn't he? Does he know the existence of these puppies? And how he deals with them? I mean, he had given such a 'first impression' to Masai..." The puppies are turning into the cutest OCs ever, I swear... If you don't know which puppy is doing what, just ask me, ok? I based all of these attacks off real attacks they have in the game/s, and I know not all of you are Kingdom Hearts enthusiasts like me. Oh, and since we're so close, I might as well throw out the next offer. The person who sends in the 700th review gets either a oneshot of their choice, or a cameo appearance as a secretary or SOLDIER in this fic! Hey, there is such a thing as a male secretary. What do you think Scarlet has fielding her phone calls?

Security System

Reno looked around the spotless confines of the apartment, proud of himself for having broken into Sephiroth's inner sanctum once more. A little reconnissance had worked wonders; he didn't have to worry about getting his pants burned off by Masai again, since the general had taken the white tiger out to the drill field with him, just to intimidate the cadets and Third Classes that much more while he inspected them.

This time, he wasn't breaking in with the intent of retrieval. Reno had pinpointed a need in his social life, and now he was taking steps to fulfill that need.

Specifically, he had the hots for Sephiroth's bedwarmer, Akalara, and he wanted a threesome with her and his own 'personal assistant,' Lily. They'd already discussed the other secretaries, but Lily had specifically asked for the green-haired trainee, knowing that her boss and lover had been lusting after her ever since she had entered the Turks' training program.

Problem was, the silver-haired man was very possessive of his newest conquest, for some unknown reason. Reno hadn't heard of any guys getting too close to her since word had gotten out that she belonged to him. Well, there had been one incident with a Second Class groping her ass while she was in the cafeteria. That poor sap was still in the hospital recovering from what Sephiroth had done to him. So, the redheaded Turk was planning on trying the blackmail approach; seize something of Sephiroth's that would potentially humiliate him and which he would do anything to keep private and in his hands, and offer to return it to him only if Reno could have one night with Akalara, free from retribution.

But what could Sephiroth possibly own that would hold that kind of power of blackmail?

There was a jingling sound from behind the couch. Reno, being the nosy redhead that he was, walked around to the back of the couch to have a look-see.

A small brownish-yellow puppy lay between the couch and the wall, gnawing on a set of keys on a ring.

One red eyebrow went up. Sephiroth had a puppy? Well now... That was interesting.

Very interesting indeed...

Possibilities loomed in the redhead's mind.

Sephiroth took great pride in showing off Masai. Who wouldn't? The tiger was a classic symbol of status, _white _tigers were extremely rare and valuable, and the fact that the silver-haired man could control a _fire-breathing _white tiger spoke volumes about him. And that wasn't including the awe and terror Masai elicited in executives, SOLDIERs, paper-pushers, and cadets alike. The striped feline was a perfect companion for the powerful man.

But if the general population of Shinra was to learn that that same powerful, awe-inspiring man kept a small, scruffy, cute puppy in his apartment...?

He would do anything to keep that quiet, even allow Reno and his secretary to have their wicked way with his woman.

Reno snickered and reached behind the couch for the puppy.

The scruffy canine looked up at him, deep blue eyes somehow far more intelligent than those of a normal puppy. Those eyes startled the Turk, giving the puppy just enough time to slip out from behind the couch and take off, keys still clamped tightly between its tiny teeth. Reno ran after it. "Here, boy! Let Uncle Reno see you for a moment! Here! Sit!"

He didn't remember Sephiroth's apartment being so big...

Or the hallway so labyrinthine...

Or so dark...

The key-bearing puppy came to a stop in a corner, backing up and growling threateningly at the intruder. Reno strolled in front of it, feeling smug. "Thought you could get away from old Reno, didn't you? Come 'ere, boy. You're going home with me for awhile."

He reached for the cornered pup, but suddenly he felt a _woosh!_ go by his legs, and suddenly there was another puppy crouching in front of the first one, an animal with spiked-up fur as red as the Turk's hair and furious cyan eyes. The newcomer snarled and bared its teeth, the dirty-blond pup sheltering behind its larger body.

Reno was unfazed. "Aw, don't be like that. I just wanna see you..." he cooed, reaching towards them.

He snatched his hand back as the red puppy lunged, snapping at his fingers. Even worse, fire shot from beneath its paws at him. He jumped to avoid the attack, glancing at the fireballs as they hit the wall, then did a double-take.

That puppy had just shot fire at him! _Fire!_

The walls seemed to get even darker, the hallway disappearing beneath an obscuring curtain of impenetrable night. The red puppy still protected its smaller companion, ready to attack at a moment's notice. But Reno was no longer paying attention. A new puppy had arrived on the scene, a few feet behind the crouching pair. This puppy was a nearly indistinguishable color, a cross between lavender, blue, and silver, and its right ear covered its right eye. It was staring at him, and Reno got the uneasy feeling that it was somehow responsible for the disappearance of Sephiroth's apartment.

There was a low snarl from behind him, and the Turk whirled around, his hand going to his EMR. Five more puppies had circled behind him, each of them unique and different from the others. All copied the red's posture, chests nearly to the ground and hips high in the air, their eyes fixed on him and him alone. Reno fought the urge to step back, uneasy with this situation. Being in the Turks had taught him to anticipate and prepare for any and every situation, but nothing he had ever come up against could prepare him for facing down a small army of puppies!

Then, from behind the wall of furry bodies, there came a wave of cool superiority. A long-haired puppy with white fur walked to the front of its comrades and commenced pacing back and forth in front of them, golden eyes watching the Turk slyly.

Reno felt the need to say something. "So, um... You're the leader, I take it?" The white puppy sat down in front of its five litter-mates, still coolly watching the intruder with unreadable eyes. Its demeanor reminded him of Sephiroth, for some odd reason. "Look, I'm sorry. I just want to get out of here. Will you let me go?"

The puppy seemed to consider the possibility, tilting its head to the side cutely. Then it straightened and threw back its head in a spine-chilling howl.

That was a canine call-to-arms, apparently. The two puppies behind him, the blue pup with a white X between its amber eyes, the pink puppy, and the yellow puppy with the green eyes rushed him at the same moment. Thorny green rose vines shot up from beneath his feet, snaking tightly around his legs and hips to hold him securely in place, rendering Reno helpless as five sets of very sharp teeth tore into his ankles and lower legs. Red beams of light shot at his face and neck, courtesy of the white puppy and the pup with only one eye and the abnormally long tail, and the short-hair with dirty yellow fur howled almost musically. Reno was soaked a moment later as ice-cold water jetted up from the floor below, a sudden geyser from which the other puppies leapt clear.

He thought about switching his EMR on, but decided against it. It was an electrical weapon, and any idiot knew you didn't combine electricity with water unless you wanted a severe shock. Just as the thought crossed his mind, he noticed the bright yellow pup standing just off to the side, emerald eyes glittering sadistically and lips pulled back in a wicked parody of a smile.

Electricity crackled over the pup's coat, and Reno's eyes widened. "Oh fu-"

The lightning was directed at the water he was standing in, and he howled in pain as it traveled up his body and out the top of his head, leaving fiery needles in its wake.

He wrenched himself from side to side, trying to loosen the cruel grip of the vines, but was interrupted in this venture when sharp teeth suddenly clamped onto his backside and the red puppy raced around him in a tight circle, tongues of flame leaping in its wake as it traced out a pattern around and between his feet, dodging the rose-vines with laughable ease.

Reno yelped and swung a hand behind him, sending the blue puppy flying off with a scrap of his pants in its teeth. The wolfish pup got to its feet snarling, somehow becoming even more feral and bestial before his eyes. Before it could charge, however, the red puppy slapped a paw down on the ground.

The fiery design it had melted beneath Reno's feet suddenly erupted into flames, engulfing the Turk in moments. The vines constricted around his legs as they burned, sending thin rivers of blood down the flesh to pool at his feet. He felt more lasers hitting his body, stinging him, _hurting _him, and more lightning shocked along his nerves.

Reno couldn't help it. He screamed.

A sharp bark cut through the melee and water soaked the Turk once more, this time gentler than the earlier geyser. It put out the fires and soothed the burns, washing away the charred remnants of the vines. Reno fell to his knees, unable to support his own weight against the pain, as the darkness melted away, revealing Sephiroth's familiar apartment. He was still surrounded by the puppies, but the nightmare seemed to be over.

Another commanding bark from the snow-white canine caused the puppies to slink into seated positions against the walls, clearing a path for the Turk to leave unhindered, but for the leader. Reno shakily got to his feet and wobbled down the corrider of hostile pups, halting before the golden-eyed puppy.

They gazed at each other for a long moment, then the little canine stepped to the side, allowing Reno to pass.

He was almost out the door when a red laser shot from the white's eyes, hitting him square on his abused backside.

Reno yelled and raced out the door, hitting the lock behind him so they couldn't follow him. Limping and bloody, he started for his own apartment, where Lily would be waiting to see the fruits of his labors.

He was dreading showing her the results of his introduction to Sephiroth's security system.


	81. You Killed Shakespeare!

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **The quote that makes the title is courtesy of a gym-buddy of mine, who loves to mangle the Bard's works. For example, that first scene in the movie version of Hamlet when the men are all standing around? Yeah, she destroyed the solemnity of the moment by singing "We're Men in Tights" from the infamous Robin Hood movie. Well, in talking with her, I finally got the inspiration to do one of AmazonTurk's _really_ ancient requests (meaning it was only given to me back in late May/early June). She wanted me to have the boys put on a Shakespearian play for little kids as a community service thing. Well, I can't just leave it as-is now, can I? I have to add my own brand of humor to the play! And before anybody points it out to me, yes I did mean to spell 'weird' as 'wyrd.' It's the Old English spelling, as well as the original spelling Shakespeare used for the witches. This is not 'weird' as in 'strange;' it's 'wyrd' as in 'supernatural.' Also, Kano Aegnor, you are not in this chapter. But you'll be showing up soon enough, fear not!

You Killed Shakespeare…

"Remind me. Why do I have to go through with this?"

Zack rolled his eyes and stared at Sephiroth's dressing room door, tapping his foot impatiently. "Because, Seph, the Prez wants us to be less scary for the young'uns who may someday join Shinra as SOLDIERs, paper-pushers, MPs, or even scientists. Therefore, he's making us do these plays. Or rather, snippets of them. The kids don't have the patience to sit through the whole plays."

"Ok, I got that part. Now why do _I_ have to do this?"

"Because you're the one who intimidates the kids more than anybody else!"

"And why couldn't somebody else have played the female part?"

"Because Christine is playing Lady Macbeth, Valerie is the Nurse, Akalara, Kandi, and Lily are the Wyrd Sisters, and Felisha is playing Katarina. Lizla has no acting ability; this was the best we could do on short notice!" Zack kicked the door, albeit gently. He only made it rattle on its hinges, not crack in two and go flying. "Now, come on! You're on as soon as Chris finishes her 'out damn spot' speech."

"Fine…" The door opened, and Sephiroth stepped out, dressed in the typical Shakespearian garb of a long tunic, a belt, a hat with a long feather, and tights with long boots. A fake rapier hung at his side, and he fussed under his breath as he yanked the tunic down a bit further. "Reno did this on purpose, didn't he?" he growled.

Zack stifled a snicker. The tunic was a bit high-cut…

"Don't worry about it, Seph. All of the men have to wear things like this. Well, except for…"

"Shut up." The silver-haired man pulled the offending garment down once more, then pulled his gloves on as the curtain lowered and Rude, Tseng, and Trent began exchanging and rearranging scenery as Christine came back into the wings. She began tugging at her neckline as soon as she was off-stage, frowning down at her milk-heavy chest. Reno, it seemed, had purposely made her costume far more low-cut than it should have been. Felisha, too, had suffered from the lecherous plans of the redheaded costume designer, but it wasn't as bad for her. Her chest was a lot smaller than the blond's at the moment.

The three men had wheeled a tower into place at the opposite end of the stage, which Zack knew had a sturdy platform and ladder inside, hidden from the audience. 'Juliet' had to have something to stand on, after all.

"Lookin' good, General!" The two men turned as their three 'witches' came into view. Lily, Kandi, and Akalara had been draped in shapeless, torn, stained robes of ugly brown fabric, their faces done up to resemble those of ancient, ugly hags. To complete their appearance, the trio of 'personal assistants' also wore frizzy wigs of long, unkempt gray hair. Lily smiled up at Sephiroth, revealing that she had blackened out most of her teeth with a tooth-crayon so she was left, to the casual observer, as a toothless old crone. Akalara and Kandi had done the same, and augmented the look by wrapping dirty, stained rags around their hands. The busty brunette was even leaning on a dark wood staff. "Think we should cast a spell on this young man and take him for our own, sisters?"

"I believe he already belongs to another, sister." Akalara bared her blacked-out teeth in a possessive smile. "We desire unclaimed men for our spells."

"Then we shall not have the other lusty stallion at his side," Kandi lamented. "His is a chained life, enslaved to a maiden most fair."

"Doomed forever to slave in a woman's bed, these two are," the red-eyed woman agreed sadly. "Gaze upon their paleness! Methinks the rapscallions have not tasted freedom for many a moon, sisters."

"But touch them we cannot," Lily muttered. "Bound they are, and bound they shall remain. We can only claim unbound men."

"And bind them ourselves!" Kandi cackled.

The two SOLDIERs gave each other amused looks. "Ok, ladies, that's enough. If anybody's doing the binding around here, it'll be us, capiche?" Zack said, trying to hide his grin.

"Capiche," they agreed, dropping the act.

"So you're up next, Seph?" Akalara inquired, idly twirling a plastic Touch Me on a rope.

"Unfortunately." The silver-haired man gave her a thoughtful look. "You realize that if that makeup is not completely gone by the time you report to my quarters for your regular duties, I am going to have to remove it from your person myself, right?"

"I do." She grinned; translated, he had said that if she left the dirt on, they would have sex in the shower later.

"I can't wait until this is over," Kandi moaned, working her tongue. "Speaking in iamic pentameter always makes my tongue hurt."

"I'll put it to good use later," Zack promised with a naughty grin. He glanced over at Rufus, who was the stage manager for the night. "Ok, Seph. You're on soon."

Sephiroth nodded, mentally reviewing his lines. They had cut out a lot of lines, including the scene's initial monologue, so the audience wouldn't get overly bored. 'Juliet' would start the scene.

At Rufus' signal, he stalked onto the stage and concealed himself rather obviously behind a skinny tree just before the curtain rose.

'Juliet' came out onto the balcony, dressed in a high-necked green velvet dress with gold trim. Long brown hair cascaded down the back of the dress and over the shoulders, framing a too-large chest. "Ay me!" came the falsetto call.

Sephiroth turned to the audience, effecting a thrilled look. "She speaks: Oh, speak again, bright angel! For thou art as glorious to this night, being o'er my head as is a white-winged messenger of heaven unto the white upturned wondering eyes of mortals that fall back to gaze upon him when he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds and sails upon the bosom of the air."

'Juliet' laid slender hands upon the railing of the tower's window, gazing soulfully at the moon hanging from the catwalk overhead. "Oh Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; or, it thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet."

Sephiroth paced slightly, glancing longingly at the tower. "Shall I hear more or shall I speak at this?"

"'Tis but thy name that is my enemy; thou art thyself, though not a Montague." Juliet crossed her arms over her chest, jostling her breasts slightly. "What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot, Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging to a man. O, be some other name!" She suddenly produced a rose from somewhere, bringing it to her nose and smelling it delicately before raising it before her glowing blue eyes. "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet; so Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd." There were a few snickers from the audience, the kids probably thinking of a smelly Romeo. "Retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Romeo, doff thy name, and for that name which is no part of thee take all myself."

The silver-haired actor stepped forward slightly, still remaining in the shadow of the tree. "I take thee at thy word: call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; henceforth I never will be Romeo."

"But you're Seph'roth!" one of the tykes in the audience shouted, before somebody shushed him.

Juliet glanced at the kids, but managed to look properly startled, even frightened. "What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night so stumblest on my counsel?"

Now he came fully out of 'hiding,' closing half the distance between his tree and the tower quickly. "By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: my name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, Because it is an enemy to thee; had I it written, I would tear the word."

"My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words off that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound: Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?"

Sephiroth managed to put on a lovesick look, despite who was in the dress. "Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike."

Juliet started to say the next line, but out of nowhere a ball came flying at the tower. A small red and white ball, arcing from the front row to strike the base of the tower. It should have done no damage, but…

The flimsy tower wobbled, and 'Juliet' fell out of the tower face-first. Sephiroth didn't manage to aid his fellow actor In time; Romeo's lady-love smacked into the wooden stage, skirts flying up to reveal a pair of polka-dotted boxer shorts and wig slipping down as 'she' levered herself up.

Sephiroth stood stock-still as the audience burst out laughing. Cloud grinned sheepishly up at him, still on his knees. "Supposest I hast fallen for thee, great Romeo," he commented.

"Seems thee hast, fair wastrel," the silver-haired man managed, trying not to either die of embarrassment or join the audience in their mirthful pastime. "Get thee to thy feet without entangling thy skirts and get thee gone!"

"I shall, gracious Romeo. Away with me!" Cloud scrambled to his feet and raced off-stage, holding his dress up out of the way. Sephiroth turned to the audience, ignoring the frantic 'cut' motions Rufus was making from stage right.

"My apologies, good people of Midgar. It seems fair Juliet hast been whisked away into the night by a boy whose heart is filled with mischief. Methinks I have admirers in strange places indeed! Now I shall away, to find my fair Juliet!" With that parting shot, he strolled off-stage, going immediately to Zack and lightly punching him in the shoulder before turning to enter his dressing room.

"What the hell was that for, Seph?" Zack inquired, rubbing his arm.

"I know it's an old practice to have young men play women's parts in old plays, but next time I have to play opposite a female part in one of these, make sure my Juliet is, in fact, a woman!" he commanded before slamming the door shut behind him.

At least the kids had gotten a laugh out of this mess.


	82. Remorse

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor:** Kano Aegnor, I swear, you will get your cameo before this fic is finished. Just be patient, ok? I'm going to write you into a humorous chapter, and this one is decidedly _not. _Anyway, so here's another original. I have often been curious as to whether or not Seph ever felt sorry for the things he had to do as a SOLDIER and as a general, and this idea got mixed up somehow with a scene from I. Robot, one of my favorite futuristic movies. So, here we go: another angsty memory of Sephiroth's horrific childhood in the labs. Lily was originally going to be the confessional, but I think Zack fits the bill better in this case.

Remorse

Zack had seen many things in his career as a SOLDIER. He had seen good people turned into animals by the bloodlust coursing through their veins. He had seen men blown apart by magic and bombs, shrapnel piercing their bodies with a merciless lack of discrimination. He had seen helpless men and women die screaming, blood spraying from their chests, fingers trying desperately to shove their entrails back inside them, where they belonged. He had borne silent witness to the nightmarish experiments that went on every single day in the labs upstairs, seen his best friend in the world ripped and torn nearly to shreds from within by a lethal toxin injected into his veins during a supposedly-routine examination.

All these things he had seen, and more. Things that had driven him into the all-forgiving arms of Alcohol and Liquor in the attempt to forget them. Things most people could never even _imagine _seeing in this lifetime.

But he had never, _ever _seen Sephiroth cry.

The black-haired man stood just outside the door to his friend's office, frozen by the sound of quiet, broken sobs emanating from within. He had come to deliver some papers that needed Sephiroth's signature; Kandi was out sick for the day, and his superior had asked for them yesterday. Zack had been up all night finishing them; was he hallucinating?

Only one way to find out.

Lowering his hand to the knob, he twisted it and went inside, calling out his usual greeting of "Hey, Seph!"

The general had turned around in his chair so he was facing the windows behind his desk, which was highly unusual. Ever since the day Scarlet had unintentionally 'helped' Sephiroth with his hiccups, he had made a point of avoiding eye contact with the windows entirely. Curious, Zack dropped the files on the desk and went around behind it, feeling slightly alarmed when he saw that Sephiroth was wiping at his eyes furiously. "Seph?"

"What, Zack?" the older man snapped, twisting his chair so the SOLDIER couldn't see his face.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong!"

Zack huffed and strode around to stand directly in front of him, before he could turn the chair again. Sure enough, Sephiroth's eyes were wet and swollen, his face red. There were even a few wet spots on his jacket where tears had landed. "Why are you crying?"

"I wasn't crying," the silver-haired man insisted stubbornly, turning his head away.

Zack reached out and gently turned his friend's face back into the light. Surprisingly, Sephiroth did not resist. "Yes, you were. What's wrong, Seph? I've never seen you cry before."

In answer, Sephiroth reached into his pocket and pulled out something, pressing it into Zack's gloved hand. The younger man looked at it, somewhat puzzled when he saw what it was.

A child's identification bracelet, hospital-style.

Sephiroth had turned his chair around and was now leaning heavily on the desk, right cheek resting on his folded arms, facing away from his younger friend. When Zack walked around to the front, he saw that the silver-haired man's face was a picture of despair and sorrow, tinged with the deepest guilt he had ever seen. "Seph..."

"Her name was Terra," the general replied monotonously. "When I was little, the labs had a habit of sending the Turks out to snatch them test subjects, usually orphans or kids right off the streets. Terra was one of them. I don't know how old she was, but she was young. Couldn't have been older than five or six."

Zack leaned against the wall, watching silently as Sephiroth sat up slightly and rubbed at his eyes with one hand, wiping away the tears threatening to fall. "I didn't know her personally. She was in a cell further down the hall from mine, and I was never allowed to interact with the other people held in the labs, anyway. What I do remember is that after she arrived, she spent an entire night begging for her mother and father. She stopped after Hojo...did something to her."

"What did he do to her?" Zack inquired softly, trying not to imagine what the maniac would have done to a helpless little girl.

"He cut out her tongue.

"I didn't see her more than a few times a day. Usually it was when I was being 'escorted' out of my cell into the main labs for the day's experiments. Either she was already in there, strapped to a table or in a mako tank, or she was still in her cell. She and I were the only kids in the lab at that point, and whenever she saw me she always stared at me with these really big blue eyes, almost like she was begging me to help her escape, or wanting to know why they were hurting her, why she couldn't go home. Hojo usually kept kids like her around for awhile, long enough to do whatever he wanted to them before having them 'disposed of' by the Turks or one of his other experiments. But Terra was only there for a week." Sephiroth sniffed and shoved his hand into his hair, still leaning on the desk. "One day, Hojo told my minders to bring me to the arena, this place I had never been before that was under the Shinra building. It's still under there, but it's sealed off. Nobody's allowed to go down there anymore."

"Why did he tell them to bring you down there?"

"Because..." Sephiroth choked back a sob. "He told me that Terra was a failed subject, and that she was useless for his experiments now. He told me..."

He was openly crying now, tears rolling down his cheeks to fall against his arm and the desk. Zack went to him and put his hand on his shoulder, offering his support and understanding.

"He told me I had to kill her. Put her out of her misery. I didn't want to. I flat-out refused, in fact. Then, Hojo took out this remote control-thing, and turned a dial on it. There was this awful burning sensation in my skull, and the next thing I knew, I was walking over to Terra. She was being held by one of the assistants in the center of the arena, and no matter how hard she struggled, he wouldn't let her go. I swear, it was like somebody else was in control of my body; I tried my hardest to stop walking, to just run away, but I just kept walking. I remember I was screaming, begging Hojo not to make me do this, but he just twisted the dial again, and suddenly I was standing right in front of her, my hands wrapping around her neck. I remember that I was crying, and she was screaming, but I just kept strangling her. I was only six, and...

"I completely crushed her windpipe and vertebrae, Zack. She didn't have anything but mush in her neck by the time the pain in my head was gone!"

Zack didn't know what to say. He was appalled, but somehow he knew that Sephiroth would never have done that. He _never _killed children; it was a personal rule of his. That device he mentioned had to have been some kind of mind-control thing, something Hojo had created to control him. This girl's death was Hojo's fault, not Sephiroth's.

He leaned down and hugged him, laying his head atop Sephiroth's as he continued the story.

"I was taken back to my cell. After everybody had gone home for the night, Dr. Armelia - she's the only scientist who actually cared about me - came by. She had heard what Hojo had done, and she wanted me to know that it wasn't my fault, that there was a microchip in my head that gave him complete control over me when he used a specific device. I asked her to bring me Terra's ID bracelet, so I would never forget her.

"While she was gone, I bashed my head against the wall of the cell, trying to destroy the chip. I knew where it was; the pain had been the worst in the back of my head. When Armelia came back, I was almost dead. The back of my head was a bloody mess, my skull broken and my brain bleeding. She only just managed to save my life. When he found out what had happened, Hojo punished me. But he didn't realize that I had succeeded in destroying the chip, and he never had me kill another kid. Still..." Sephiroth swiped at his tears again, unsuccessfully. "Sometimes I wish she hadn't been able to save me."

"I'm glad she did. Hojo shouldn't have the pleasure of driving you to suicide. You know he'd actually like it that he did." Zack hugged him tighter. "Besides, it wasn't your fault. You wouldn't have killed her if he hadn't made you, and you know it. The blood's on his hands, Seph. Not yours."

"But I'm still the one that killed her!"

"No, you're not!" Zack insisted fiercely. "Hojo's fault. Only Hojo's."

Sephiroth just raised his hands to his face and kept crying. Zack sighed and settled himself onto the arm of the chair, never removing his arms from around his friend.

Sephiroth needed him, needed to know that he wasn't alone.

He would never forgive himself if this horrific memory claimed his best friend's life.


	83. It's Baaccckkk

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor:** So we have had a request (not that that's a rare occurance for this fic XD) from one Shelby McQueen: "Mention Herbal Essences somewhere again, 'kay?" I was wondering when I was going to get a request about the Herbal Essences making a reappearance. Kinda surprised it took this long, actually. Also, we have our lucky winner making a cameo appearance in this chapter. Kano Aegnor, try and spot yourself!

It's Baaaackkk...

Zack stopped short, frozen in the act of pushing the stairwell door open. The hall was echoing with the sound of deep groans and loud, ecstatic cries.

_He didn't..._

"Sir? What's that noise?" his follower inquired, clutching her leather-bound dictionary to her chest. Zack looked down at the little albino woman, wondering how he was going to explain the likely source of this disturbance to her. Sephiroth had asked him to find a suitable temporary secretary while Christine was on maternity leave, and having selected her, the First Class was bringing her up for introductions and approval by her new boss.

Zack bit his lip. "Well, um... See, Hakuryu... Uh..." He finally shrugged and entered the noisy hallway, fighting to keep from blushing as he neared Sephiroth's apartment. "You'll...see for yourself," he finished lamely.

Hakuryu straightened her turquoise blouse and nodded, looking slightly school-girlish in her shy stance. "Seems so."

They soon arrived at the appropriate door and Zack picked the slide, not even bothering with knocking. The apartment's occupant wouldn't hear him even if he rammed the door, and unlike his friend he really didn't like to just kick doors in. Sephiroth would have his head if he did, especially after he and Akalara destroyed his table the other night. They stepped inside the darkened domicile, Hakuryu covering her ears as the suggestive noise increased in volume. The black-haired SOLDIER sighed and cupped his hands over his mouth.

"SEPH!!!" he bellowed, wondering if the silver-haired man would even hear him over the groans.

To his astonishment, a shirtless Sephiroth opened the door to his bedroom seconds later and came out into the living room, looking slightly exasperated. "Yes, Zack?"

Zack felt his jaw drop. His friend and commander was out here - in the living room, for Bahamut's sake! - but the noise from the bathroom had yet to cease. "You're not the one in there?" he finally stammered.

"No." Sephiroth crossed his arms over his chest. "I am no ventriloquist, Zack. How could I be in here and have the noise continue?"

"Then who is it?" the SOLDIER demanded, waving his arms. "You're the only person on this level who uses Herbal Essences; who the hell is in your bathroom?!"

Sephiroth opened his mouth to answer, but Hakuryu stepped up to him, her pinkish eyes flashing. "Where's your bathroom?" she inquired sweetly.

"Down the hall, in my room." The two SOLDIERs watched the short woman go, quietly shutting the door behind her. "Zack, who is that?"

"That would be your substitute secretary, Hakuryu." Zack replied, staring at the door. He knew what was coming next.

Sure enough, there was an indignant cry at the exact same moment the moans ceased, indistinguishable yelling, and then the unmistakable sound of someone being hit with a large, heavy book many, many times. After a few minutes of this, all sounds from the bathroom ceased, save for that of running water.

Zack and Sephiroth looked at each other, the younger man grinning and the elder effecting confusion.

The short albino woman emerged from the bedroom, looking smug and holding both her precious dictionary and two wet bottles of shampoo and conditioner. "Problem solved," she announced.

"What did you do?" Sephiroth asked, looking displeased.

"Just knocked out the green-haired whore in your shower. She's not going to wake up until our business meeting has been concluded."

"That was _Akalara?_" Zack couldn't help laughing. "No wonder you two get along so well! You both have Herbal Essences fetishes!"

"I didn't realize she did until about an hour ago," Sephiroth retorted, rolling his eyes. "She wanted to use my shower after her training before we got started with our 'games' and this was the end result." He turned to Hakuryu. "You knocked her out? With a dictionary?"

"I didn't like the noise," she replied, shrugging.

"You realize you just knocked out my lover, correct?"

"Do I really care? No." She straighted her top again. "Now then. Shall we?"

Zack wiped tears of mirth away and turned to the general. "Remember how you asked me to find you a temporary secretary until Christine could come back to work? Well, this is her. Meet Hakuryu. Again. Her credentials are good, and she normally works down on the office levels. She can do the job."

"Why did you knock out my lover with a dictionary?" Sephiroth asked, his voice deepening into 'Intimidation Mode.'

"Because she was annoying me."

"Did somebody not take their lithium today?" Zack asked, fighting a grin.

"She's bipolar?" Sephiroth groaned.

"Yep."

"What makes you think I'd hiiioookay, you're hired." Sephiroth blanched, noticing how Hakruyu was stroking her fingers along the sharp corner of her dictionary and eyeing his groin. "Come in Monday at 6 pm so I can inform you of your duties."

"Thank you, General." Hakuryu nodded and left the apartment, her skirt swishing sassily in her wake. Zack stared after her, then at his silver-haired friend.

"She takes full advantage of being so short. Forgot to warn you."

"I already realized that," Sephiroth muttered, going to help his clocked-out lover. "Remind me to stop using Herbal Essences until Christine's back."

"Will do, Seph. Will do."


	84. Getting Rid of an AHole

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **Since Amazon and I have combined our fics, I have decided (after being prompted) to help her out with a setup in her own fic, "Operation: Assassination." Meet the biggest asshole in Shinra, Sargeant Razor Worthington! And, I'm just going to say 'screw it' as far as Zack's ranking goes. I have no idea what rank he was in SOLDIER, and I probably won't know until SE finally ships Crisis Core over here and I buy a PSP of my own (or at least borrow someone else's). He's a colonel, but he's still second-in-command. Explain it? I can't. I have no idea how the ranking system in Shinra works. BTW, a few people have asked me to do chapters with Genesis and Angeal in their reviews lately. I am sorry to say that, apart from Genesis' brief appearance as Altair in an earlier chapter, neither of them will be making an appearance in this fic. This is due to a single fact: I really don't know that much about either of them, and I don't feel comfortable writing about someone unless I have a general sense of their character. This fic skips all over the place pre-Nibelheim, but for the present, they will not be making their presence known in this fic. Sorry to disappoint.

Getting Back at an A-Hole

The bar was empty, but for a single booth with two seats pulled up against the outside edge. The bartender had been told to bring the booth's occupants eighteen bottles of prime tequila, and then make himself scarce. Considering who was in the booth, the poor man had not seen fit to argue and had skittered into the alcohol cellar immediately after delivering the booze.

Seated on the left side was the famed Sephiroth, General of the Shinra company's elite military group of SOLDIER, and his lover Akalara, a former stripper with some pretty powerful boom-sticks... And the willingness to use them, should need arise.

Across from them was the general's second-in-command, Colonel Zack Fair, and his personal assistant, Kandi, both of whom were formidable opponents and not to be trifled with. The colonel's ever-present Buster Sword, in fact, was leaning against the booth, within easy reach of his hand.

Sitting in the chairs were Reno of the Turks and his personal assistant/girlfriend, Lily of the Desert Roses. Lily might have seemed easy prey for a man looking for a good time, but Reno was fiercely protective of his girl; at least one guy in the bar prior to their commandeerment of the establishment had received an EMR to the groin while hitting on the pretty bellydancer.

The six friends were not chattering pleasently, as was their normal pastime on Friday nights. No, they had each taken their first bottles of tequila and were quietly nursing them, staring at the wooden tabletop with sullen eyes.

"Something must be done about him," Sephiroth finally spoke up, his smooth voice cutting through the heavy atmosphere. The others jumped slightly at the unexpected sound of it.

"I agree," Zack said, putting a hand over his pounding heart. "The man is a class A asshole."

"Not to mention a sexist pig," Kandi muttered.

"And a jerk," Lily said darkly.

"He's been treating our girls badly, and pretending that he doesn't even know you three are ours." Reno circled his arm around Lily's slim waist. "He's been whistling catcalls at Lily ever since he found out she was a bellydancer and former harem-dancer."

"Not to mention screaming 'take it off' whenever I'm in the cafeteria," the green-eyed woman muttered.

"He tried to pay me to give him a blowjob." Kandi tipped back her tequila. "Said it didn't matter if Zack found out, since I was such a slut, being a former Honeybee and all."

"He slaps my ass whenever I pass him. If he doesn't do that, he gropes me," Akalara said, twirling her bottle between her fingertips.

"He's tried to solicite her for sexual favors, as well. Not to mention placing a video camera in my apartment, specifically in the bedroom, and recording us making love. He posted it on the SOLDIER chatroom this morning," Sephiroth growled. "Called me a 'stud' and Akalara a 'slutty bimbo.'"

"He once tried to rape Kandi when she was working late one night." Zack's face was purple with surpressed fury.

"He did?" Reno asked, looking at the red-streaked beauty.

"He brought me some coffee and hung around for awhile, giving me the same old song and dance," Kandi told them. "It was suspicious enough that I didn't trust the drink, just pretended to sip it and spit it back out into the cup before putting it back down. I switched drinks when he wasn't looking. Turned out he had spiked my mug with a date-rape drug."

"Sargeant Razor has got to go," Reno declared, slapping his EMR against his palm.

"But we can't harm him." Sephiroth chewed his lip, glaring at his bottle of fermented cactus juice. "He's a SOLDIER Second Class. If something suspicious was to happen to him, I could lose my job, not to mention be forced back into the labs."

"Not happening." Akalara reached over and threaded her fingers through his, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.

"So. Has anybody a suggestion for how to dispose of our collective nuisance?" the silver-haired man inquired, returning the squeeze.

"We could poison him. Quick, easy death," Lily put forth.

"Slip a bomb in his boot. Or snipe him." Akalara sipped at her second bottle, mulling over the problem.

"A quick decapitation never hurt anybody. Except him, that is," Zack growled, his hand on the hilt of his Buster Sword.

"I think dipping him in melted cheese and staking him out in the sewers for the rats to devour would be a better solution." Reno had a noted preference for torture when it came to hated rivals.

"I said, no killing. We can't have any suspicious deaths surrounding him." Sephiroth sat back and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "What about something a little more...subtle?"

"You mean like blackmail?" Lily inquired, a grin widening her rosy lips.

The peridot eyes glowed a little brighter, and the characteristic wicked smirk appeared. "Here's what I have in mind..."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Kandi waited impatiently at her computer, biting her lip as she watched the door with anxious brown eyes. Reno was supposed to have arrived with the required footage fifteen minutes ago! Where the hell was he?

Akalara came in and shut the door behind her, withdrawing a tape from her jacket's inner pocket and handing it to her friend. "Sorry this took so long. Seph had to do some digging before he found the shower tape."

"'Snot a problem. It's Reno that I'm worried about."

"He had to get the other one?"

"Yeah." Kandi loaded the tape and began copying it onto her PC. "I don't know where he is. He's supposed to have been here by now."

The green-haired woman pulled out her radio. "Want me to call him?"

"Not necessary." The two women looked up as Zack walked in the door. "Seph and I found out where Reno is."

Two brows, one green and one brown, lifted in silent inquiry.

"Razor tried to discredit Reno with Verdot. Told him that Red was raping Lily every night. When Reno found out, he went ape on the bastard." Zack ran his fingers through his hair nervously. "Seph's reprimanding Razor, and Verdot's having a chat with Reno. It'd be easier to just court-martial the bastard, but unfortunately we can't. Razor's Scarlet's nephew; she's protected him from formal punishment ever since he got accepted into SOLDIER."

"What about Reno?" Kandi asked.

"Reprimand. Nothing more, nothing less. Red's a bit too valuable to the Turks to dispose of for something like fighting with a SOLDIER." Zack yanked a tape out of his pocket and gave it to his secretary. "Here. He passed me the tape while he and Razor were being separated."

"I'm starting to think that Reno might just hate that jerk more than the rest of us do. He's usually the one getting into fisticuffs and verbal arguments with him, even when Razor doesn't target him or Lily," Akalara commented, watching Kandi work.

"I know why he does that. Razor made Reno's life a living hell when they were growing up." Kandi's tongue poked out of her mouth as she concentrated on a really difficult piece of footage. "Razor was just another military brat and Red was a slum kid, but they went to the same education center. Seems that Reno's mom did everything she could to make sure her son didn't waste his brains. Razor picked on him every chance he got. I think Reno thought he had gotten away from him when he became a Turk trainee, but Razor followed him by joining the SOLDIER program. He's been tormenting him since the day they met."

"So how do you, me, and Lily figure in? I can see how he'd want to steal her from him, since she's his girl, but what about us?"

"Simple. Razor's been stealing Reno's girls since they hit puberty. Not just his girlfriends and fuck-buddies, but his girl _friends, _too. And we're some of his closest friends." Kandi glanced up at her boss and friend. "I can get this finished by tonight, but I need to concentrate. Why don't you two go somewhere?"

"Are you suggesting something inappropriate, Kandi?" Zack asked, smirking.

"If it gets you out of here, then yes."

"No dice, babe. Seph would kill me if I touched his girl." Zack slung his arm across the green-haired woman's shoulders companionably. "But I will take her out to get some lunch while you work on this."

Kandi just waved her hand and continued on her work as the pair exited the room.

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"So are you ready to set up the tapes?" Seph asked over the headsets.

"Cafeteria ready."

"Break-rooms ready."

"Planning rooms ready."

"Training rooms ready."

"Executive offices ready."

The silver-haired man allowed himself a sinister smile. Every single television in the Shinra building was ready to run their footage, all at the same time. Razor would have no idea of the disaster about to happen, the blow to his pride and 'masculinity.' But within about half an hour after the file was played on the computer, every single person in the Shinra building would be laughing at him.

"Return to Base. Ten minutes until countdown begins." There were agreeable noises from his friends, and the radio shut off as they began their return journey. Sephiroth mentally recounted every single incident with Razor since his acceptance into SOLDIER as a cadet while he sipped his bottled water, allowing his anger with the younger man to be stoked into a stronger flame. The sergeant had been a problem ever since his acceptance, especially after he had found out that Reno was in the Turks. He knew about the redhead's problem with the Second Class, but there wasn't too much he could do against him. Scarlet was a more powerful figure in the company than Sephiroth was, and Razor was her nephew. There was only so much he could do to move against him without losing the only life he had ever known.

A prank would do more than a court-martial ever could. Sephiroth was sure of it.

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At exactly 1:00, every single television in the building flickered to life or changed channels to a flickery, static-filled screen, drawing the attention of all the people around them.

A moment later, an image appeared on the screens. A handsome man with chin-length blond hair, a small mustache and goatee, and piercing blue eyes was smiling charmingly at the viewers, perfect white teeth practically sparkling in the lights illuminating his features. At first glance he looked a bit like Vice President Rufus, but upon closer inspection he resembled Scarlet more. "Hello," he said in an aristocratic, slightly nasal voice. "I am Razor Worthington, SOLDIER Second Class Sergeant and nephew of Scarlet, Head of Weapons Development."

The screen changed over to an older man, a Wutaian with glasses, greasy black hair pulled back from his face, and a labcoat speckled with _stuff. _"Professor Hojo. I have something you would be very interested in..."

A few seconds later, disgusted 'ew's and horrified screams emanated from every corner of the Shinra building.

Reno, however, was laughing.

"That's some sick shit, Kandi!" he cackled, watching the file window in the computer. Zack's secretary had spliced together scenes from the infamous Hojo singing-shower video with the tape Razor had made to submit to Lezard for promotion into First Class, and added some voice-overs and sound effects. Then she had thrown in some night-vision sequences from some pornos she had saved to her computer, and _voila!_ One extremely nasty, scream-inducing, awful video that implicated Razor and Hojo in a sexual relationship.

It was the best vengeace a Turk, a general, two secretaries, a trainee, and a First Class could hope for.

Not even Scarlet could save Razor from this one.


	85. Stalkarazzi

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. The magazines also belong to me; they are porno mags just like my _Voyeur_ magazine.

**Queen's Quornor:** I think it's high time I subjected Seph to the one thing all celebrities fear, on any world. Tainted Shadow Watcher sent me a request some time ago that reads this way: "The media comes knocking at Seph's door when he's in a towel." And poor Seph, he's as recognizable as they come on Gaia. So not only would he have the usual reporters asking embarrassing and unnecessary questions, but also magazines like Playgirl and Playboy asking for interviews and - gasp! - pictorials. And even worse, Masamune is nowhere in arm's reach... This is meant to take place shortly after the conclusion of the Wutai War, but details are still pretty fuzzy on that in the research I've done. Damn SE, for not telling us every little detail...

Stalkarazzi

It never failed.

Every single time he went out on a mission, he always got dirtbag-filthy. Even if there was no dirt in sight. He had no idea how it managed to happen _every single damn time._ He was beginning to suspect that somebody was palming some kind of joke materia, like Summon Filth or Dirt Magnet or even Dirty Up Sephiroth materia, just to piss him off.

This time, it was blood, dirt, and monster slime with a little soot mixed in. He and his squad had been sent on an 'Intimidation Patrol' of Wutai and the surrounding area, and been attacked by random monsters at least eleven times. Sephiroth had stopped counting after getting zapped by yet another damned thunderbird-wannabe. The squad hadn't lost anyone, but their Restore materia had been used more than a few times.

Plus, they had had to call their chopper to pick them up well outside of Wutai proper. After being slimed and clawed and gnawed and worried on and basically messed up, they didn't look so intimidating anymore.

Sephiroth stalked inside his apartment, tossing Masamune down on the sofa (the katana was the _only _thing currently on him that could be considered clean) and kicking his boots off angrily on the kitchen linoleum. He shoved open the door to his bedroom hard enough that it bounced back in his face, eliciting a furious snarl from the silver-haired man and another, gentler, shove.

The recently-promoted colonel stripped off and was in the shower a split-second later, already relaxing as the hot water sloughed the filth off his body. Being raised in the labs, he had neither gotten used to being so dirty nor learned to enjoy it, as most children did. In fact, he downright hated it.

_Thank the Ancients for hot showers._

He reached for his Axe shower gel and loofah, unaware of the catastrophe approaching his domain.

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It began as a rumble, like distant thunder. But the vague, indistinguishable noise quickly became identifiable, about the same time the source of the unnatural earthquake appeared on the horizon.

The secretaries and security guards manning the lobbies of the Shinra building and the nearby SOLDIER barracks and dorms paled when the realized who they were, instantly realizing why they had come. Buttons were smashed beneath desktops, locking the doors to the buildings they knew were safe from the invasion. One lone apartment building, used soley for high-level SOLDIER and Turk personnel, was left unprotected as the rent-a-cops fled for their lives. The invaders swarmed into the defenseless building, crowding the elevators and racing up the stairs. Curious First Classes and Second Class officers poked their heads out into the hallways, only to duck back inside, dead-bolt the doors, and cower in fear when they realized who the uninvited guests were. Silent prayers were mouthed for the safety and preservation of the likely target of the intruders' attentions.

They converged on floor 43, their instruments of torture in hand and ready for use at a moment's notice. A single door was the center of their collective focus, and they approached it together, a stampede of feet that was surprisingly quiet, considering their numbers.

Stalk and ambush. That was their favorite tactic. Attacking with the element of surprise often got better results than appointments, anyway.

The bravest of them stepped forward, fist poised to knock on the door of Apartment 4327.

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Sephiroth had just gotten out of the shower when somebody knocked on his door. His pleasant euphoria spoiled by the thought of unexpected, uninvited guests, he reached for a towel and wrapped it around his waist, wringing out his hair into the tub before leaving the bathroom.

_Who in Bahamut's name could that be? _

Most of the men and women in this building had seen him in a lot less than a towel before. Being out in the field or showering in the gym, one tended to see everything sooner or later. For all the precision and pure buttheadedness of the military, life around the dorms was remarkably relaxed and low-key. The same could not be said of the barracks; cadets, MPs, Third Classes, and trainees would never _dream _of opening the door to their living quarters in anything less than full uniform. Higher class SOLDIERs and Turks only wore their uniforms when they were on the clock. It was not unusual for a First Class, for instance, to be wearing only boxers or a pair of booty-shorts and a tube top when he or she opened the door. Sephiroth was no exception, surprisingly.

So it never occured to him that it might be better to put on something a bit more decent before opening the door.

As soon as the door slid open, he was blinded by a sudden, unexpected flurry of bright lights flashing in his eyes.

"Colonel Sephiroth! Colonel Sephiroth!"

_SHIT!!!_

It was the stalkarazzi.

Sephiroth steadied himself against the doorjamb, furiously blinking in an attempt to banish the white dots obscuring his vision. He should have known this was going to happen sooner or later. The media had been calling his office for days after his triumphant victory in the final battle for Wutai, interrupting his work and disturbing Christine enough that he had put in a request for a private telephone line rather than the extension number used to contact him at work. He had hoped that they would eventually get sick of bothering him and move on to somebody else.

No such luck, obviously.

Five microphones were shoved in his face just as his vision cleared, revealing the horror waiting outside his apartment. The hallway was _packed_, filled wall-to-wall with reporters and camera-men, as far as he could see in either direction. And all of them were either snapping pictures, taping, or shouting questions.

"Colonel Sephiroth, can we have a few words about your victory over Lord Godo?"

"Is Wutai to be destroyed?"

"Will a reactor be built there?"

"What about the rumored trade in children? Is it true that Shinra stole kids from Wutai for training in the SOLDIER program?"

"Did you have an affair with Lord Godo's wife, as rumored?"

"Is it true that you were genetically-enhanced in the labs, resulting in your superhuman abilites?"

"Did you truly steal the Masamune from a Wutaian monastery?"

"How soon do you think you will become General of the Shinra army?"

"What was the name of your secret SOLDIER lover?"

"Is it true that Mayor Dominic's wife is carrying your secret love-child?"

"Will you pose naked for _Wet Dreams _magazine?"

"Forget _Wet Dreams_! Will you pose in a ten-page layout for _Lemon _magazine?"

"Get a shot, Rojer! Look at those abs! He'll make the centerfold for _Bishie _this month for sure!"

Sephiroth couldn't believe the questions directed at him all at once. _Where are they getting these from?!_ He was also suddenly reminded of his other secret fear.

Crowds.

He hated being the center of attention of large groups of people.

The silver-haired man did the only thing he could think of. He slammed the door shut and jammed the locking mechanism. That would buy him a little time, at the most. He remembered all too well what had happened to Palmer when the Space Program was first proposed. The media had smashed through his door and stormed the apartment, cornering him and barking out questions until SOLDIERs had been called in to haul them out. Palmer had required some serious therapy for months after that.

Sephiroth raced to his bedroom and slammed the door shut, barricading it with his dresser, nightstand, and shelves. That done, he looked around frantically for a way to escape the assault he knew would be coming.

_The window!_

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Night had fallen over Midgar, and the SOLDIERs had finally been called in to clear his apartment. With his enhanced hearing, Sephiroth could hear them bodily dragging the stalkarazzi outside. He could also hear them speculating as to where the hell he had disappeared to.

The silver-haired colonel wasn't about to tell them. He'd come out when he was good and ready. Which might be sooner than he had originally planned.

His hiding place was not the wisest location for a man who despised getting dirty, especially not so soon after his shower.

But how was he supposed to know that Shinra still had their dorms' roofs done with old-fashioned tar and pea-gravel?


	86. Oh Yuletide Tree

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor:** Damn, it's really been awhile since I updated this. I'm such a bad girl. Maybe Seph should spank me... Anyway, since it's that time of year and I'm already doing a Christmas fic ("The Twelve Days of Annoyances"), I figured I'd slip a little something in here, too. For Gaia, I renamed the Christmas holiday, but it's basically the same thing. Oh, and since we're so close to the 800 mark, the usual offer applies. The person who sends in the 800th review gets a oneshot!

Oh Yuletide Tree

The most stressful time of year had arrived. The month where parents and friends spent most of their time in stores and shopping malls, indulging the greed of those around them and jamming traffic when they went home. The time of year when fights broke out over the simplest little things. The four weeks where the television channels were saturated with cheesy, overplayed holiday specials such as _Cheely, the Red-Beaked Chocobo _and _The Year Without A Father Yuletide, _and the radio played thousands of carols and songs not played at any other time of the year. The occasion when street corners were filled with people ringing their bells, gathering gil for the homeless, and carolers with similar goals in mind prowled every public building they could safely enter, hoping to annoy gil out of the tenants or workers therein.

The month that Sephiroth dreaded above any other.

SOLDIER was always busy this time of year. It was not uncommon for gentle mothers and peaceful fathers to get into fistfights over hard-to-find gifts and toys for their kids, which could develop into riots if given the chance. Furthermore, desperate parents were sometimes driven to desperate means for presents; Sephiroth had once been sent out to subdue a woman who had acquired her children's Yuletide gifts at the end of a gun.

"This time of year sucks, Zack," he mumbled, hands shoved deep in his pockets. "People go crazy."

The black-haired man rolled his eyes. He knew how insane things could get here in Midgar during December, but he still couldn't understand it. Back in Gongaga, things were a lot more subdued. "Maybe it's just Midgar. I never saw my mom get into a bashfest with her purse over a G.I. Sol action figure back in my hometown."

"And I'll bet your father never held up the bank trying to get enough gil for an air-rifle, either," the silver-haired man snipped. "I don't see why kids want those, anyway. They'll shoot their eyes out!"

"Oh, don't be a Scroujhe, Seph." Zack clapped his friend's shoulder. "Anyway, it's not like we're doing anything too difficult today. All we're supposed to do is help set up and decorate the company tree. How hard could that be?"

Peridot eyes glared fire and brimstone at the younger man. "I wish you hadn't said that..."

SZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZ

The Shinra Company tree was a wonder to behold, even undecorated. Selected from an ancient forest just like all of its predecessors, grown for hundreds of years, there was no Yuletide tree to even come close to matching it in size.

The problem was decorating such a monstrous tree.

Shinra typically had cranes and cherry-pickers rented for the lucky (or unlucky) employees scheduled to decorate the tree. Even with the aid, however, it was still a potentially dangerous job. People had fallen from the cranes and died before.

This year, Sephiroth was the one supervising. He had dodged the bullet the year before, but Fate had chosen him this time. Meaning, his name was the one drawn out of the President's candy-bowl.

Every department had volunteered people to help out. The Turk trainees were in charge of the lights, the secretaries had the tinsel, SOLDIERs had beads and garlands, and everybody else was doing ornaments. Sephiroth's job was to make sure nobody broke or stole anything, and that nobody tried to put the star on the tree. That was President Shinra's job, and he would flay anybody who dared to put the enormous gaudy thing on for him.

This never exactly went like clockwork. This year, however, it seemed that somebody upstairs had decided to have a bit of fun with the silver-haired general.

At last glance, the trainees were in the middle of a war with the SOLDIERs, the secretaries were modeling tinsel-scarves for every handsome man in sight, ornaments were flying back and forth like grenades, and Reno was scaling the tree.

Sephiroth was very adept at commanding obedient squads of cadets and SOLDIERs. However, his job description said nothing about stopping a war involving Yuletide decorations. Thus it was that Zack found his friend and commander hiding behind one of the cranes, engaging in deep-breathing exercises.

The SOLDIER squatted next to his stressed-out friend. "Seph? You ok?"

The silver-haired man leaned his head back against the tire, eyes closed. "No, I'm _not_ ok. I have a re-enactment of the Wutai War going on behind me, a redheaded squirrel intent on bringing down the tree, and a frozen fashion show. My brain feels like it is about to _explode_."

Zack glanced back at the mayhem and winced as one of the trainees whip-cracked a Third Class with a string of lights. "It's not that bad, Seph."

Peridot eyes blinked open, and turned to the SOLDIER tiredly just as another ornament exploded on the ground a few feet from them. "_Nooo. _Really?"

Zack shook his head slowly. "You go inside, Seph. Get some hot chocolate, get warmed up. I'll handle this mess," he ordered gently. Sephiroth gave him a questioning look, but obeyed the command nonetheless. Once he was through the lobby doors, the First Class turned around and rubbed his hands.

This was going to take some work.

SZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZSZ

It was nearly eleven pm by the time Zack came inside to the officer's lounge. He found Sephiroth sitting on the couch with a mug of cocoa long since gone cold, staring at the brown goop listlessly. "Seph, we need you outside."

The silver head raised. "Why? Did Reno finally chop the tree down?"

"Just come on." Zack tugged at Sephiroth's arm. "I'll leave you alone if you come outside," he wheedled.

Sephiroth snarled and stood up. "Fine, you spiky nuisance, _fine!_ I'll come outside and solve whatever problem you have gotten yourself into."

He didn't notice Zack's tiny smirk on his way out the door.

The moment he was through the lobby doors, he was bedazzled by a spectacular sight. All of the workers were gathered in front of the _fully decorated _tree, smiling proudly. Nobody was attempting to kill anybody, all of the lights and decorations were on the tree, no secretaries were wrapped up in tinsel. All the broken glass and metal had been swept up and carted away.

Zack came up beside his friend, also smiling. "Like it, Seph?"

The general slowly nodded, staring at the tree.

Kandi, Akalara, Lily, and Reno came forward, holding the ends of two long electrical cord. They presented these to the silver-haired man. "We think you should do the honors, Seph," Lily told him. Reverently, Sephiroth took the cords.

With great fanfare, they were fitted together and the tree blazed to life. There was no star, but the tree didn't need it. It was beautiful all on its own. The volunteers all turned to face the tree and a collective "ooh" went up.

"Great work, huh Seph?" Zack asked, putting his arm around Kandi.

"Yeah." The general smiled at his friend peacefully, pulling Akalara close while they all looked at the tree. "Beautiful."


	87. Blurry as Hell

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** I swear, I'm working on those winning oneshots. Problem is, I've got very little ideas here as to how to work with them! Patience, please. You'll be reading them soon enough. Now as for the request for this chapter... Glaurung II sent me a review for a MUCH earlier chapter with this little idea: "I was thinking about contact lenses. I explain: what if Seph needs glases to see and wears contacts instead? what if he loses them while training with Cloud or Zack?" I never considered the idea of Sephiroth with glasses before, but... Hmm... I think Seph would look cute with glasses, don't you? Let's set this a little earlier in his military career, though...

Blurry As Hell

"Corporal Sephiroth, I want you to explain exactly _why _your aim with materia has gotten so bad!" A manila folder hit the table right in front of the seated Third Class, several photographs spilling out into the light. Pictures of scorched trees and small craters, fire-scarred patches in the earth. One was a man's back, the flesh charred and blackened, split apart in painful open wounds.

The sergeant crossed his arms and stared at the silver-haired SOLDIER, utilizing a glare that had sent most of the men and women under his command into panic fits. Sephiroth, however, was unfazed.

The older SOLDIER, however, noticed that the catlike peridot eyes were squinting slightly.

He sat down across from him and opened the folder, exposing the rest of the photos and a medical report. "Lately, you have been hitting everything _but _the targets. Now, the reason you are here is because your last misfire landed PFC Yarris in the medical facility. He suffered third degree burns across his back, left arm, shoulder, and side while he was changing out the targets on the nearby sniper range. There is no reason why he should have been hit with a spell from the materia range. So how did this happen?"

Sephiroth didn't meet his gaze.

The sergeant sucked his teeth, sapphire eyes noticing how the younger man was occasionally wincing slightly and rubbing his temples. "Are you having vision problems?" he inquired quietly.

No reply from the silver-haired teen, to the negative or the affirmative. The sharp-eyed SOLDIER noticed, however, that Sephiroth had paled slightly.

"Corporal, there is no shame in having problems seeing correctly." The sargeant rested his folded hands atop the file, which remained open. "Several of our higher classes have developed eye problems that were not present when they were recruited, nor to which they were genetically inclined. The lab rats think it might be a negative reaction to the mako they were injected with."

"Permission to speak, sir," Sephiroth mumbled.

"Permission granted."

"I am not what one might refer to as a 'normal' SOLDIER. Vision problems are not supposed to happen to me."

The sargeant raised one black brow in interest. He had been told some of Sephiroth's background the day he entered SOLDIER, so he knew how delicately the younger man was wording his situation. Sephiroth was supposed to be the greatest scientific accomplishment of their time; if the scientists, especially Hojo, were to find out that their 'perfect specimen' was having vision problems...

Although he yelled at him as much as any of the other Third Classes under his command, the sargeant was actually fond of Sephiroth. The kid had practically unlimited potential, he was disciplined and an excellent fighter, and a good guardian for the others in the squad. The others would come back to the barracks slobbering drunk, and all Sephiroth would have would be a nice buzz, if that. He looked after the others when they were like that. He didn't want to see him end up in the labs any longer than absolutely necessary, for his weekly mako injections and physicals. "Tell you what. We'll take you to an optometrist outside the company, and get your eyes looked at." The sargeant allowed an encouraging smile to crease his lips, which made Sephiroth perk up the tiniest bit. "I can't have one of my best SOLDIERs squinting at the enemy, after all. You might have to disarm somebody some day, and end up lopping off his hand!"

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Tareyna impatiently waited on the bed, examining her nails while she waited for her boyfriend to get back from the optometrist's. She had offered to go with him, but Sephiroth had insisted that she stay here and let him go alone. And like a good girlfriend, she had agreed.

But only because he would be a lot more willing to have wild sex with her later if she didn't argue and make him angry.

She had been sitting here for three hours now, and he had yet to show up yet.

The frustrated redhead was about to just throw in the towel and leave when the door opened, admitting her silver-haired boyfriend and fellow SOLDIER into his quarters. Much to her surprise, he wasn't wearing any new spectacles. "Um... Glasses?" she asked, puzzled.

Sephiroth squinted at her. "Tareyna?"

She rolled her eyes and stood up, pacing over to him with her arms crossed over her breasts. "Did you even go to the doctor, Seph?"

Peridot eyes settled on her, focusing when she came within a certain distance. "Of course I did."

"So where are the glasses?" she demanded.

In answer, the silver-haired man pulled a black leather case out of his pants-pocket and waved it in the air.

"Why aren't you wearing them? I wanna see you in them!" Tareyna whined.

"Don't nag me," he grumbled. He knew she was teasing him. "I didn't want the others to see me in them, that's all. Besides, I only have to wear them when I read. The rest of the time, I'll be using contacts."

"Are you wearing them now?"

He mock-glared at her. "You ask too many questions. No, I'm not."

"Let me see you in the glasses, Seph." Tareyna opened her cerulean eyes as wide as they could go, batting her long lashes prettily at him. "Please? For me?"

Her boyfriend huffed and puffed, but obligingly opened the case and pulled the glasses out. The earpieces were settled in place and the frame settled atop his nose, and Tareyna squealed.

"You look so _cute_, Seph!" she gushed. "They don't go with the uniform at all, but you look absolutely adorable."

"I'm not supposed to look adorable, Tareyna. I'm supposed to be intimidating." He started to take the glasses off, but she stopped him.

"You only have to wear them while you're reading, right?"

"Yes. The doctor said that once I'm eighteen, I can have laser surgery to fix my eyes. Until then, however, I have to wear the contacts and the glasses."

Tareyna tilted her head to one side, knowing the gesture made her look even cuter. Sooner or later, Sephiroth would reach the end of his self-control and throw her on the bed. Which was precisely why she was doing this. "Why wait so long?"

He shrugged. "Something about adolescence interfering with my mako levels. Since this condition is linked to them, it would be unwise to perform the surgery before my levels have completely stabilized."

"Doctor's a smart man. It'd be a shame to ruin your lovely peepers," Tareyna remarked, softly touching the corner of his left eye.

Sephiroth grinned. "You like my lovely peepers."

"Damn straight." She leaned up to press a kiss against his lips. "And they look so cute behind those coke-bottle lenses."

"Oh, for that you're going to pay," the silver-haired teen threatened lowly, swinging her into his arms and dropping her unceremoniously on the bed. The redhead settled into a thoroughly provocative pose and smiled up at him.

"Just don't break your glasses, Seph."

Peals of laughter filled the room as the glasses were gently set aside on the desk and their unwilling owner jumped atop his insolent lover.


	88. The Boxer Incident

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Akalara, Ephemeral, and Masai, however, are mine.

**Queen's Quornor:** So sorry I haven't updated! I've been a bit tied up with my class, as well as a new addiction to Guilty Gear X. I've only been playing the game for about a month now, and already nobody on my hall will fight me. General consensus is that they'll get their asses kicked, that's why! Tis a mixed blessing; on the one hand, I'm the best. On the other, I can only play against the A.I.! Also, I have excellent news: where once there was famine, now there is a feast. As of Christmas morning, I am now the proud, PROUD owner of two, count 'em, TWO copies of Final Fantasy 7, one of which has never even been played before! I also have increased the action figure population with a much-desired Kadaj. Now if I can just get my hands on a Reno and a Zack… And even more so, a Dante and a Vergil… I actually have a Dante already, but he's the DMC2 action figure; he's so small, I won't take him out of the box for fear of losing him! And as for this chapter… Nope. Not saying a word. Go ahead and read it; I won't give anything away up here!

The Boxer Incident

"You know, I thought you had more respect for yourself than this."

Sephiroth looked up from his book, peridot eyes quizzical. "What do you mean?"

Akalara gestured to the laundry basket in irritation. "This!"

The silver-haired man hitched himself higher in the bed, examining the wicker basket. All he saw were sweats, blue jeans, t-shirts, boxers, and rolled-up socks. Nothing out of the ordinary. "All I see are my off-duty clothes and undergarments. What are you referring to, Ak?"

The Turk trainee scowled at him, then reached down and picked up a pair of black silk boxers, brandishing them at him. "As much care as you take in your personal appearance while on duty or out in public, one would think that you would care what your underwear looks like. I've seen a lot of boxers and tighty-whities, but I've _never_ seen anybody with this many holes in his shorts before!"

The silver-haired man shrugged and returned to his novel, making himself a bit more comfortable on the bedspread. "I asked you to help me with my laundry, Ak. I never said you had to put it away, or that I wanted criticism. What I wear under my uniform is none of your business."

"Actually, it is." She crossed her arms, cranberry eyes smoldering with annoyance. "I'm the one who gets to see what's under the uniform, remember? I just find it a tad unbelievable that you, of all people, are a slob."

He glared at her. "Since when does raggedy underwear indicate a sloppy nature?"

"It says that you don't care about your appearance, Seph!"

"You know that isn't true."

"So why keep these old things? There's more hole here than fabric!" She held them up for emphasis.

Confronted with the evidence, Sephiroth had to admit that she had a point. There was little more than ragged strips on the legs and around the waist, and almost nothing on the crotch and rear of the garment. The elastic was the only thing even remotely intact.

Unwilling to admit that he was wrong, he merely shrugged and raised the book once more.

Akalara growled softly. If there was one thing she could not stand, it was holey underwear. She liked her own underthings skimpy, but the first time a hole showed up, they were history. It irritated her to no end that Sephiroth cared so little about the state of his boxers.

Pursing her lips, she knelt and began sorting through the neatly-folded laundry, removing every single pair of boxers she found. That done, she went to his chest of drawers and calmly pulled it out, adding the underwear therein to the pile in her arms. Sephiroth, noticing her actions, laid his book aside and sat up.

"What do you think you are doing?"

"Since you care so little about the condition of your boxers, there's obviously no point in you wearing them." She left the room, holey underwear and all. Alarmed, the silver-haired man scrambled up and followed her into the kitchen unit.

Fully aware that he was watching her, the green-haired woman opened the chute to the incinerator in the basement, where Masai usually was at this time of day, putting his fires to good use. Sephiroth came to a stop two feet away from her, peridot eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't dare."

She looked at him, cranberry meeting peridot challengingly. "I don't know what kind of memories you have connected to these, Seph. Your first victory, perhaps. The day you were promoted to General. Your first girlfriend. Or maybe even your first jerk-off session. However, they have long since outlived their usefulness. When the underwear no longer covers the bits it was meant to cover, it's time to get rid of them!"

With that, she threw the boxers down the chute. Sephiroth just gaped at her in disbelief, not even moving to save the doomed garments.

Nobody had ever so blatantly defied him before. _Nobody. _

Taking full advantage of his shocked state, Akalara came forward and took one of his hands, leading him into the living room and leaving him there while she went back to the bedroom. She returned a moment later, bearing a black Ephemeral hoodie and his boots. Lightly pushing him back onto the sofa, the green-haired trainee began dressing him.

"We are going to go out and buy you some new boxers, Seph. Any protests?" He didn't reply. "Good." She wrestled his boots onto his feet, then pulled him forward so she could get the hoodie on. "Thank you, by the way, for not making me put jeans on you, as well."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Sephiroth had to admit that the new boxers were a nice investment. Akalara had chosen nothing but silk ones for him, and bought them all with her own gil. He was still annoyed with her for destroying his property, but he couldn't really argue. In hindsight, it was rather silly of him, a grown man, to have such raggedy underwear. And it would be nice to not worry about chaffing when he put on his uniform in the mornings.

Not to mention avoiding the mad rush of grabbing for pants of some sort before opening the door, so as to avoid accidentally flashing visitors while he was lounging in nothing but his boxers.

Which he was currently doing now. With the entire day ahead of him, and duty looming tomorrow, the silver-haired man was determined to spend the remainder of the weekend engaged solely in relaxation.

Slouching back in his chair, he lazily scratched Masai's ears while surfing the Interweb. One of his guilty pleasures was spending his gil on auction sites, battling other anonymous screen-names for things he truly did not need. Right now, he was looking through the latest postings on Wahoo, one of the largest and most-respective of those sites.

"Rare books, somebody's soul, Teeny Beanies, a car, diamond jewelry, a flail, a golden death-mask… Is there nothing interesting on here today?"

Bored, he scrolled up to the 'Search' option. "Hmm… What to put in?" With a shrug, he typed in his own name, curious to see what might be posted under it.

The very first item was 'Personal Items of the Great Sephiroth! Authenticity Guaranteed!' One silver brow quirked in interest. "And what might this be?"

He clicked on it.

And stared.

There, arrayed in all their glory, were his holey boxers. On the topmost one, plain as day, was his name on the elastic. Exactly where he had written it five years ago.

And there bids were already up to 2500 gil.

"But those were supposed to have been…" He snapped his head around to glare at Masai. "Why didn't you burn those like you were supposed to?!"

The white tiger sheepishly met his gaze, then got up and slunk away into the bedroom, out of sight.

Angry and embarrassed, the silver-haired man scrolled up to look at the auctioneer. The garments were being offered by a RedHotRed.

_RedHotRed…?_

Sephiroth knew that screen-name. He had seen it on the Shinra boards, in the Turk chat-room. It was on his e-mail list.

He knew who it was.

Abruptly standing up, he reached for his jacket and some jeans. "Masai! Quit sulking. We've got a redhead to roast!"


	89. Black Out

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor: **rinnyzito sent me a request that caught my eye a week or two ago, and since the two original chapters I'm currently working on ("Wet T-shirt Contest" and "Speed Demons") are being difficult, I figured I'd give this one a shot. I can't put the entirety of the request here, since that would give the entire chapter away, but I can sum it up: Shinra has a black-out, and Seph gets bored. Oh, and the puppies are making another appearance in here. The book Sephiroth's reading is a personal favorite of mind called "Stupid Sex;" I'd _highly _recommed it if you're over 18 and in need of a good laugh. Actually, those of you under 18 could read it too, but purchasing it might be an adventure. Also, I have done some research, and as far as I can tell, Seph's 25 years old when he first sets foot in Nibelheim. Ergo, that's how old he's going to be here in most chapters. I know I haven't been updating this fic as quickly as I used to, but in addition to my class, I'm starting to run out of ideas. If you guys want to give me a hand, I'd certainly appreciate it! I don't want anything too outrageous; just normal, everyday things you and I have to go through that you'd like me to put Seph through. Things like dentists, paperwork, hiccups, sickness, bathing your pet, etc. It's fun to write the outrageous, odd requests (prime example: "Safety Regulation"), but really I just want the mundane. That was the original goal of this fic, and that's how I'd like to end it. So...any requests?

Black Out

Actual weather over Midgar was a sight to behold. The sky was so murky, so full of pollution, it was nearly impossible for most of the city's inhabitants to differentiate between a clear day and a cloudy one. It was only when one got above the smog or miles away from the city that one could see what the sky was like on a given day.

But when Mother Nature sent them a storm, it was always a doozy.

The pollution wreathing Midgar seemed to act as an amplification of natural weather, increasing its strength so a normal spring shower could wreak as much damage as a hurricane. Winds were channeled down alleys and between buildings, transforming the streets into wind-tunnels within seconds. And invariably, the people beneath the Plate were treated to a sort of mini-flood the next day, as the water dumped onto the city above was channeled off or dripped off and gathered in the low areas of the slums. There wasn't really anywhere rainwater could go; the people living in the slums could only sigh and wear rubber boots, hoping that the lifeless ground would drink in the run-off quickly.

In a way, however, they were lucky. Having the Plate above their heads shielded them from the storms. The people living on top of the Plate, the 'lucky' ones, were treated to their full, undiluted power.

At times like this, Sephiroth sometimes found himself wondering if it might be better for the SOLDIERs and Turks if they were to live beneath the Plate rather than atop it. The Shinra bigwigs, however, wouldn't let them. They preferred to have their security, military, and Goon Squad as close to them as possible, where they could observe and control them. Where they could be summoned easily, when need arose.

The silver-haired general glanced up from his book as yet another crash rocked the building, and the night exploded briefly into pure white light. The Shinra building had just been hit by yet another lightning-bolt.

That was the fifteenth one since the storm started, a half-hour ago. HQ was so tall, it was always getting struck by lightning during these storms. The SOLDIER dorms and apartments, thankfully, usually didn't attract their attention.

"They really should get a lightning rod for the roof," Sephiroth muttered, reaching for his mug of coffee. "The President is always complaining about the cost of repairing the building after a storm, but he never listens to Reeve when he recommends one."

He shifted a little, making himself more comfortable without disturbing the tiny bodies resting on his chest and stomach. Xemnas, Saix, Axel, and Zexion had jumped up onto the couch with him when he first laid down, and curled up wherever they wanted. Marluxia had joined them soon after; he was currently lying beside his owner's hip in a tight little ball. Sephiroth didn't mind; the puppies were a welcome source of warmth for his naked torso. Besides, having them here meant he didn't have to worry about what trouble they could be getting into.

Actually, Larxene was the only one he would worry about during storms. It seemed she took Nature's displays as a personal challenge; invariably, he'd always find the yellow puppy sitting on a window, crackling with her own lightning and barking at the sky outside. Sephiroth had long since lost count of the times he'd had to replace items of furniture because Larxene had discharged her power onto them.

He'd found a way to counter her lightning, though. At the moment, she was sulking in a puppy carrier made entirely of rubber.

The rest of the puppies were nearby. Masai had dragged his bedding into the living room, gathered them all up, and was currently snuggling with them on the soft white fleece. Most of the pups were asleep, but not all of them: Zexion was reading with Sephiroth, seated on his shoulder and leaning comfortably against the side of his head, and Roxas had absconded with his keys again. The silver-haired man had broken down and bought a ring of old keys just for the dishwater-blond pup, but every now and then he still found himself chasing Roxas down to retrieve his own.

Sipping his coffee, the silver-haired man continued reading his book, losing himself in tales of the idiotic things people had been recorded as doing in pursuit of, or in the midst, of sex...

...only to jump as an even bigger lightning-bolt hit the Shinra building next-door, and all the lights went out.

Sephiroth hissed in pain and quickly set his mug down to brush at his naked chest and neck. Hot coffee and skin did not a good combination make. Zexion disdainfully backpeddled and settled onto the armrest of the couch, well away from the spilled coffee. Xemnas, however, was not so lucky; due to an unfortunate choice in sleeping area, the pure white puppy was also burned by the coffee, as the lines between Sephiroth's toned muscles quickly channeled it down his chest as effectively as a gutter would rainwater. The pure white puppy yelped and quickly leapt off his owner's chest, shaking himself hard on the floor in an attempt to get the offending liquid off as quickly as possible. Saix quickly followed, being the next in the line of coffee, but Axel merely lifted his head, looked at the coffee pooling against his body and soaking into his crimson fur, then yawned and went back to sleep.

Hot temperatures weren't a problem for him. If Sephiroth had spilt ice water instead of hot coffee, his reaction would have been exactly like those of his peers.

He did, however, get up and move to the other end of the couch when the silver-haired man sat up and reached for a discarded t-shirt hanging over the back of the couch. Sephiroth quickly mopped his torso with the shirt, then cursed when he realized that the power probably wasn't going to be coming back on anytime soon. It wasn't uncommon for the lights to flicker during storms like this, but they usually came back on after a few seconds.

Lucky for Sephiroth, he could see in the dark. That was one of the benefits of repeated exposure to mako; typically by their second year as a Third Class, a SOLDIER would report a noticible increase in their unaided nightvision. First Classes like him could see just as well in the dark as they could in the day.

But nobody outside SOLDIER knew about that.

And Sephiroth was not above a practical joke or two.

After going into the kitchen to moisten a paper towel with cold water and soothing his coffee-induced burns, the silver-haired man returned to his living room and scooped one of his sofa-mates into his arms. "Come on, Axel," he purred, rubbing the sleepy puppy's chest. "Let's go see who we can scare."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

As predicted, the entire building was now bereft of electricity. Most of the Turks and First Classes elected to remain in their apartments, but some had decided to go see what was going on. Others, like the silver-haired general, had emerged with one purpose in mind: scaring the bejeezus out of their fellows.

Victim number one: Zack.

Sephiroth had snatched a flashlight from his field-kit before leaving his apartment, and it was held ready in one hand, a thumb poised and ready to flick the switch at a moment's notice. Axel was cradled against his owner's chest by one arm, but he was no longer sleepy. The prospect of giving SOLDIERs and Turks heart-attacks had perked him up, and he was now sitting up and looking around the pitch-black hallways with keen interest.

Easily navigating his way down the stairs and through the halls, the silver-haired man arrived at the apartment of his best friend and second-in-command. With Axel held ready in his arm, already briefed of the direction the prank was going to take, Sephiroth hid himself just to the right of the door and knocked.

Zack came to the door a few seconds later, and stared around the empty hall, confused. "Damn pranksters," he muttered. "Just because it's a blackout - !"

His sentance was cut off as a flashlight was suddenly pointed in his direction, and turned on. The black-haired SOLDIER swore loudly and rubbed at his eyes, blinded by the sudden bright light.

He heard somebody step in front of him, but he still couldn't see anything. A few seconds passed, and then the impenetrable blackness was replaced by dull red spots, pulsing in time with his heart-beat. At this point, he could just barely make out a tall figure silhouetted against the darker wall. Man-shaped, but no more than an outline.

Squinting and blinking furiously, he peered up at the top of the silhouette, where he presumed the head would be. Just as the spots began fading, his vision was suddenly filled with fire, and a truly demonic visage, grinning in the firelight.

Zack screamed and fell backwards, crab-crawling as far away from the fearsome visitor as fast as his limbs would take him. Whatever this thing was, he didn't want to be anywhere near it while he couldn't see!

But he stopped short as familiar deep laughter reached him, coming from the thing in the door. The fire had gone out, shrouding the face in darkness once more...

But Zack would recognize that laugh anywhere.

"That wasn't funny, Seph!"

Still laughing, Sephiroth strolled into the apartment and looked down at his angry friend. "Yes, it was. You should have seen your face!"

The younger man crossed his arms and legs, pouting. "What if you had ruined my vision? Would it have been funny then, me being blind for the rest of my life?"

"A couple of Eyedrops, and you would've been as good as new." The silver-haired man finally calmed and reached a hand down, having stuffed the flashlight into one of his pockets. "C'mon, Zack. Let's go prank Reno and Cloud."

Zack glared at the hand for a few seconds (or rather, in its general direction; his nightvision still wasn't back yet), then grabbed it and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. "How'd you do that, anyway? I thought you didn't have any fire materia."

Sephiroth pushed something soft and hot against his chest, and the black-haired SOLDIER grinned, realization dawning. There was only one soft, fuzzy thing he knew of that was this warm to the touch. "Is that who I think it is?"

Axel barked in greeting and planted his front paws on Zack's chest, stretching up to lick his cheek. The younger man laughed and took the puppy from his superior, fending off further attempts at covering his face with saliva. "Did the mean old man rope you into helping him scare me to death? Did he?" he cooed, purposely using that sickly-sweet baby voice he knew Sephiroth _hated._ The crimson puppy whimpered pitifully, turning liquid aqua eyes upon Zack. The black-haired man held him to his cheek and nuzzled the soft fur, giving his superior a reproachful look. "Well, he's just a meanie-head, that's what he is. You don't have to go scaring people ever again, Axxi-puppy. You just stay right here with me; I'll protect you from the bad old man."

"I'll admit to being bad, but _old?_" Sephiroth glared at his second, crossing his arms over his chest and hiding his grin. "I'm only seven years older than you, Zackary."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Zack waved one hand dismissively. "Excuse me if twenty-five indicates 'old geezer' to a teenager like me." Surpressing a smile in light of Sephiroth's genuine scowl, the black-haired SOLDIER walked past his friend, carrying Axel against his shoulder. "C'mon, Seph. Let's go see if we can make Reno shit his pants."


	90. Whereupon the Pups Get New Pets

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. The pups' real selves also belong to Square Enix, and the 'noise-makers' in question belong to AmazonTurk. They show up in several of her fics, if you want to know more about them.

**Queen's Quornor: **This chapter is a bit overdue. Furthermore, this is Mach 2; I started to write this chapter back in December, while I was on Christmas/Winter Break, but my evil little sister erased the file. So I lost the idea of what I was going to do, and put it aside until I could recover it. But now I'm writing it again, from a new angle, as a kind of 'Thank You' to a friend of mine. AmazonTurk has updated "Operation:Assassination" and put in as much angst and drama as I had hoped, so as a token of my gratitude, I have recreated this request of hers. But I'm going to do it from a new POV, because it was just a little awkward and clunky when I wrote it from Seph's. So if it's not Seph, then who's speaking? Well, all I'll say here is that he's a quadruped... Try to guess which pup and person is which! If you get the most correct, I'll give you a oneshot!

Whereupon the Cubs Find New Pets

"Masai, I have _had it!_"

_My pet, as is obvious, has reached the end of his patience. It is to be expected, I suppose. It is not what one would deem 'pleasant' to return to one's den after a long, tiresome day of hunting only to discover taht it has been almost completely destroyed._

_I must report, with my deepest shame, that I am partially at fault for the day's events. You see, I became quite hungry whilst my young charges were napping, and believed there would be no unfortunate events if I was to sneak away and satisfy the demands of my stomach. As luck would have it, it was far more difficult than usual to discover unattended food, and thus more time had passed than originally anticipated. It is easily surmisable what occured, I am sure. But I shall remark upon it, so it is clear. _

_The cubs awoke and proceeded to engage in normal 'cub' activities. However, without a proper minder to separate them when their playful pastimes became too rough or vigorous, regrettable outcomes came about. My pet returned to find his den bearing the scars of the elements, of war. I shall not describe the carnage here, for no Biped words of which I am aware can fully relay the horror. Suffice it to say, it was not pleasant. _

_Currently, each of my charges are in the midst of punishment. A few choice examples are as follows:_

_Flameblood has been shut in the not-stone waterfall opposite the not-stone pool, with the water pouring from the tubes overhead. _

_Bluemoon is languishing in his cub-den with a soundbox outside the opening. The soundbox is vocalizing this horrible, screeching _noise_ my pets calls 'opera'. _

_Keyhunter has been separated from his beloved keys. They are hanging far out of his reach, where he is sure to see them. _

_One-Eye has been left to the same Fang-forsaken noise as Bluemoon, albeit in a separate cub-den._

_I am certain you understand the basic gist of their reprimands now._

_As for my silver-pelted pet, he appears exhausted. I do not blame him. It is extremely tiresome, chasing after nine energetic, genetically-modified cubs on a regular basis. It is even more draining when they do not wish to be caught._

"The pups are getting way too energetic. I can't handle them all at once, together, anymore."

_I wonder why he does not send them out. They are of proper age to be separated from their litter-mates and find their own Biped pets. Pets who can survive and control their abilities, as well as provide for them and treat them fairly. _

_My pet occasionally displays an odd habit of reading my mind at times. He glances over at Keyhunter, who is once more attempting to retrieve his keys. _"Masai, I think it's time to find them good homes."

_I heartily agree. Good Sephiroth!_

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

_Today the cubs shall claim new pets. My pet has called for his pack, and other Bipeds of his acquaintance. They have arrived, and will depart with one of my canine charges. The litter will be separated, and only Chillheart will remain. Both he and I are quite fond of the cubs' alpha. _

_The den is currently filled with Bipeds, some seated, other standing. I find myself constantly moving around, as I do not wish an errant foot to land upon my tail. The cubs are gated in the sleeping room, kept in their separate cub-dens. My pet will give several away to the members of his pack, and the rest shall claim their own pets. It is not a difficult process, truthfully. But I expect some of the cubs will whine and cry for their siblings; they have never been apart prior to this evening. _

_The first brought forth is Flameblood. All of the females purr at the sight of him, charmed by his cute appearance. I must concede that Flameblood is rather adorable, for a canine. He is the most vividly colored of the cubs, and so innocent when he gazes at you. But he is also a very mischevious, energetic cub. He embodies the element he controls, both warm and alluring, yet also vengeful and destructive. I have been forced to carry him away from his litter-mates more often than any of the others, as he is so quick to anger. It will take a forceful, strong Biped to keep him in line. I wonder who my pet has chosen for him._

"Kandi. If you want him, Axel is yours."

_My pet and I have very different names for the cubs. He chose names from one of his favored noise-makers, from Bipeds they resemble. I chose their names in the manner of my species, based on their individual personalities. Their names are as unique as they themselves. Sephiroth suffers from an extraordinary lack of creativity at times._

_But I digress. The Biped female which comes forward is the one I refer to as 'Tigress'. She is Black Beta's mate, with a long brown pelt striped with red. If she were of my species, I would consider her attractive, but obviously she is not. I will admit, though, that I find the stripes appealing. She accepts the proffered cub with obvious delight, and Flameblood is in her arms a moment later, snuggling against her mammary glands eagerly and stretching up to lick her face. Her always did prefer Biped females to males. For what reason, I am unsure. _

_The next cub displayed is Seahowl, he of the sandy pelt who spends much of his time splashing in the not-stone pool. He adores baths as much as I despise them. He is offered to my pet's beta, Tigress' mate. The porcupine-haired male. He accepts Seahowl with a friendly baring of teeth, and a pleased whine emerges from the cub in question. He took a liking to Black Beta three moons ago, when first I brought him to my pet's den. _

_Shadowstalker is next. My pet calls forth another female from the crowd: his green-pelted mate, Forestfur. This is another Biped whose company I enjoy; she always scratches my ears when she greets me, and I appreciate the gesture. Most Bipeds are rather afraid of me. _

"Akalara, I know how much you like Zexion. Would you like to have him?"

"Of course, Seph." _She raises Shadowstalker to her shoulder and strokes his pelt gently. He nuzzles her neck and emits content little noises. This is a good match; Forestfur is as fond of books as the cub in her arms. _"Thank you."_ She seats herself on the sitting-bed after giving Sephiroth what I have come to know as a 'kiss'. Such a barbaric practice; scents and nuzzles are far more refined then this act of pressing one's lips against another's skin. I fail to see the point of this Biped custom, since they engage in the same acts of affection and mating as my species. _

_Next is Keyhunter, Flameblood's follower. This separation will be the hardest on him, I am afraid. Flameblood has always defended him, even to the point of attacking the other cubs when they go after him. The females all purr their approval once more when he is lifted from his cub-den; he has been reunited with his keys and is once more chewing on them. Keyhunter needs a strong pet, a good protector with no other animals. He is the weakest of the cubs in terms of power and strength. If ever he is forced into a conflict for the role of the alpha male, it is my belief that he will run away rather than fight for his dominance. _

"Tseng, do you want Roxas? He's very easy to take care of, and definitely won't stain your carpets."

_This male is known to me, but only in passing. He is a Biped from my species' home range, and the beta of the same pack to which Fire-Tail gives his loyalty (Bipeds, I have noticed, seem to have not one but three packs. The pack to which they are born, a pack they spend time with in pursuit of entertainment, and still another with which they hunt and tend to their daily duties.). From what I have seen, he is a cool, collected male, certain to become the next alpha of his pack. If he accepts Keyhunter, I have no objection to the match. He is far stronger than his appearance can tell. _

_Keyhunter is given to him without argument, but rather than being cradled in his arms in the manner of his litter-mates, he is returned to his cub-den. His new pet holds it in one hand, with Keyhunter inside, still chewing on his keys. _

_A rather graceful female is the next to be offered a cub. This is Fire-Tail's mate, Flowerdance. I particularly enjoy the company of this Biped; her scent is always pleasing to my sensitive nose, and she comes by her name honestly. Few females possess even half of the grace she displays in simple movements. If only she was of my species. A female who moves in her manner is greatly prized as a mate, since their grace is so effective in their hunting. To her is offered Thornrose, the cub which is always first into her lap when she visits. As I predicted, he is accepted and stroked eagerly. _

_Only three cubs are left without pets, and they are brought out and shown to the remaining unclaimed Bipeds. My pet tells them that whoever wishes to care for them may have them. To my relief, Fire-Tail does not come forward. I am not unfond of him, but I do not believe he would make a good pet. Perhaps to a more experienced animal, but not for a beginner like these cubs. _

_Bluemoon is chosen by one of the other males invited to the den, an acquaintance of my pet's who is already owned by my companion, Dark Nation. I do not think this will be a good match, but, perhaps. Bluemoon is Chillheart's beta, and used to compromising with a quadruped more powerful than he. If Dark Nation makes it clear that he is the alpha and Bluemoon the beta, an arrangement could be made, I think. _

_One-Eye goes to Warmheart, a female who spends much of her time caring for the cubs of other Bipeds. This female often spent time with Black Beta before he met Tigress, and occasionally I smell her on him even now. But only when Tigress is away for more than a single day, and never in the overwhelming abundancy that would indicate a mating had taken place. _

_As for the remaining cub, Stormcall, the only female, she is claimed by a weak little Biped female who, as far as I can tell, is the mate of Dark Nation's pet. This is the worst match of them all; Stormcall needs a strong, domineering pet who can keep her out of trouble and is not afraid to discipline her when she acts up. This female is rather stupid, like certain prey-animals, and easily controlled by those around her. Stormcall will be the alpha in the pair, no doubt. _

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

_It is late at night, and the den has quieted. All of the Bipeds have returned to their own dens, along with the cubs they claimed. Save for one. Forestfur remained behind and is currently with my pet. Forgive me if I remain here in the sitting-room tonight; I have witnessed more than enough displays of Biped mating practices since I chose Sephiroth as my pet. I understand that some Bipeds enjoy watching each other mate, but I find it rather distasteful, to be honest. _

_I am not alone, however. Shadowstalker has curled up against me to sleep, and I am not inclined to remove him. After all, he has just been separated from his litter-mates for the first time in his life. I am not so cruel as to deny him the comfort of a familiar sleeping-partner, his surrogate parent. As for Chillheart, he is pacing around the room anxiously, whimpering. I can tell that he is searching for his litter-mates, and Bluemoon in particular. They were as close as Flameblood and Keyhunter, if not closer, and being apart from him like this is particularly upsetting to the white cub. _

_At last, he jumps up to one of the soft not-rocks Bipeds sit upon, and gazes at the sky. Bluemoon always sat there, watching the moon. There, Chillheart gives in to his grief, throwing back his head in a mournful howl. I imagine that Bluemoon is likewise vocalizing his sorrow, his newfound loneliness. Perhaps all of the cubs are howling at the moon tonight. _

_I do not recall my own litter-mates, but I do remember the pain of separation, when we each went our own ways. We are of different species, but we are all united by the pain of loss. _

_Bipeds are not the only ones who feel grief. We quadrupeds are not as unfamiliar with the emotion as they seem to believe. _


	91. Bonding

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** I've had some calls for Seph and Zack dealing with auto insurance, but I've drawn a blank on that one. Mostly because I've never had to deal with auto insurance - or insurance of any sort, for that matter - before. So, while pondering the situation, and also where I'm going with "Grief, Hate, and Madness", I began idly jotting down a few notes on Seph and Akalara. Eventually, this chapter came into being. I think it's time I give Seph a fluffy chapter, don't you?

Bonding

"Hey Seph, can I play with your hair?"

Sephiroth opened one eye to look at the woman in his arms. He and Akalara had slept in this morning, as was their Sunday custom, curled tightly together in comfortable slumber. The Turk trainee had been gently stroking his mane for the past fifteen minutes, an affectionate gesture that he found extremely soothing. He had been about to doze off when she had spoken.

"Elaborate."

"I'm not going to do anything serious or outrageous. It's just a little tangled this morning, since you didn't comb it out last night."

"If you'll recall, I was a bit preoccupied after my - or rather, _our_ - shower last night. I had far more pressing needs than combing my hair." The general let his gaze trail down her body, modestly covered by his black silk sheet. "It would be surprising if your memory fails you, Ak. You were the source of my lapse in habit."

She smiled and sat up, folding her legs demurely beneath her. "I remember, Seph. I definitely remember. Recollections aside, your hair needs help this morning. Can I brush it for you? Please?" Akalara turned on the full force of her 'puppy face'. Wide-open eyes, quivering lower lip, pathetic expression... Rare was the person who could turn away (perfected when she was younger, this expression had been her sole means of attaining nourishment sometimes) from her when she wore it.

Surprisingly, Sephiroth was no exception. He sighed, then reached out to the dresser to snag his hairbrush. It was handed to the green-haired woman with a small amount of trepidation, and it took a little more wheedling from his lover before he turned around.

Akalara rose to her knees and gleefully examined the masses of thick silver hair, pleased that Sephiroth trusted her enough to brush his prized mane for him. Gently separating a handful of hair from the rest of the mass, she began her work, skillfully applying the brush and carefully unraveling the snarls with her fingers.

Sephiroth, for his part, was pleasantly surprised by how nice it felt to allow someone else to brush his hair. It was extremely relaxing, and he soon found himself wondering why he hadn't indulged in this before.

Deep down, he knew why: he just didn't trust anybody to take care of his hair. So why was he allowing Akalara this privilege?

That...he didn't know.

"Why are you the only person with hair like this, Seph?" Akalara inquired, beginning on yet another section. "The color alone is worthy of note, but I've never felt a silkier texture, or anything softer. It's not oily, but it's not dry either. And it's always so warm."

"Just lucky, I guess." He smirked, watching her in the full-length mirror mounted on the wall. "I'm not the only one with unique tresses, though. You're the only person I've ever seen with naturally green hair, and it's rather soft and silky as well."

"I know. You always love feeling my hair on your abs." She flashed him an affectionate smile, hefting another handful of hair and working the brush through it.

"And you like using mine for a blanket."

"It's a little difficult not to, since it's so long. How many times have we rolled over onto it, or ended up laying on it?" Long fingers gently sorted out a knot, without pulling the strands involved. "I'm glad you don't cut it, though. I love your hair."

His broad shoulders shook once in a quick snort of amusement. "At least I'm not the only one, then. But...will you do me a favor, Ak?"

"Tell me what it is, first," she murmured, finishing up the last section of hair.

"Would you not cut your hair? Just let it grow out, at least to mid-torso. I think long hair would suit you more than shoulder-length."

She hmmed in thought, now running the brush down his tangle-free mane. "Well... I don't want to give an opponent something to grab. But I do want longer hair. So let's compromise." The trainee shifted so he could see her torso, then pointed to a spot about six inches below her collarbone. "I'll grow it out to here, ok?"

"That sounds nice. I look forward to seeing you like that, Ak."

"It will take awhile. My hair doesn't grow that fast." Akalara laid the brush aside and sat back on her heels, grinning at her handiwork. "Ok. You're done."

Sephiroth pulled some of his hair forward, examining it closely. "Very nice, Ak. Thank you."

"No problem, Seph. I'll brush your hair whenever you want."

Smiling, he put his brush down, already planning times when he could have her brush his hair for him throughout the week. It would be a great stress-reliever, after he got back from inspecting the SOLDIERs and cadets and after meetings with the bigwigs. "I'll let you on one condition."

"What's that?"

He snatched up the brush and turned to face her, settling cross-legged on the bed with a playful smirk. "I get to brush yours."


	92. Sky

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** I had an idea for an original, and figured that I should go on ahead and do it. I mean, I've seen a lot of people mention something like this in their fics, but I've never actually read an account of it as more than something said in passing. So, I wanted to put down what I think would have happened, as it may have happened. Only difference, of course, is the presence of Gast. This timeline is mostly-canon, but not exactly canon. So here, Gast hasn't left the Jenova Project quite yet. But he will soon; Seph's only about two years old here.

Sky

_"Come on, Sephiroth. I want to show you something."_

_He looked up at the brown-haired scientist, peridot eyes wide. "What?"_

_Gast smiled kindly at him and held out his hand. "It's a beautiful night out, and most of the stars are visible. I thought you might like to see them."_

_"What's 'stars'?"_

_"Enormous balls of gas and flame, burning millions of miles away from our planet, as well as other planets just as far removed. From this planet, they look like little silver spots, sparkling in the darkness. They're breath-taking, and I know you've never seen them before."_

_Sephiroth held up some of his hair. "Silver."_

_The smiled widened, Gast's chocolate eyes twinkling in amusement. "Yes, they're silver. Just like your hair. Would you like to see them?"_

_He hesitated. "Is ok? Hojo not mad?"_

_"What Hojo doesn't know won't kill him. We're just going up to the roof, after all." Gast waited patiently, and at last the silver-haired toddler reached out and curled his fingers around two of Gast's, his free hand immediately going to his mouth. Sephiroth had a habit of sucking his thumb when he was nervous. _

_Gast beamed at him, then led the way out of the cell and to the stairs, keeping his gait slow so Sephiroth could keep up. With the exception of Armelia, he was the only scientist in the Shinra labs who cared about the living result of the Jenova Project, and granted him the kindness a child like him deserved. He couldn't save him from Hojo's cruelty, but he could show him that not all people were going to hurt him. Small reminders such as this would keep the boy from growing up to be a psychopath, something Hojo was distressingly unconcerned with. _

_Halfway up the stairs, Sephiroth let go of Gast's hand and reached upwards, his eyes pleading. Gast smiled, pleased with this display of need for human contact, and obliged the toddler, picking him up and balancing him on his hip. Sephiroth linked his arms around the scientist's neck and fixed him with a stern look. "No drop," he commanded. _

_"I won't drop you," Gast replied, fighting the urge to grin. "Just hold onto me. We're almost to the roof."_

_"Ok." Sephiroth leaned his head on the man's shoulder, closing his eyes sleepily. Gast adjusted his hold on the child, continuing up the steps to the roof. Pushing open the door, he turned his gaze skyward, pleased that the clouds hadn't seen fit to obscure the stars during his absence. _

_"Sephiroth? Take a look," he urged softly, rubbing the toddler's back. He wasn't sure how Sephiroth would react to the open sky; to his knowledge, Hojo had never let him outside before. _

_Peridot eyes blinked, closed, then flew open in shock. Sephiroth tilted his head back, gazing at the sky above, then Gast's skin crawled as an unearthly shriek erupted from the toddler's mouth. The thin arms tightened around his neck, almost cutting off his air, and the legs locked around his waist like clamps as Sephiroth hid his face against Gast's shoulder and continued screaming. _

_Gast hurried back to the indoor safety just beyond the door, kneeling on the stairs and attempting to soothe the terrified child. He had been expecting something like this, and right now Sephiroth needed reassurance. It was a frightening thing, encountering something so enormous and virtually endless when one had only known enclosed spaces all their life. _

_It took some time, but at last Sephiroth's terrified shrieks quieted, turning into gulping sobs and soft whimpers. At last, Gast gently coaxed his head off his shoulder and wiped the tears away with his thumb. "It's all right, Sephiroth. There's nothing to be scared of. The sky isn't going to hurt you."_

_"Too big!" he cried. "Too big!"_

_"I know it's big. It makes you feel so small." He hugged him again. "But you know what? The sky is also beautiful. Since it's so big, it holds things that won't fit indoors. Like the sun and the stars, or the clouds. The sky holds the unknown, and that makes it both scary and intriguing."_

_"Scary!"_

_"The sky may be scary, but it won't hurt you. Don't you believe me?" Silver hair swished wildly from side to side. "I'll make you a deal. If the sky hurts me, I'll take you back to your cell and you'll never have to see it again. But if it doesn't, will you come back outside with me?"_

_Sephiroth considered it for a moment, then unlocked his arms and legs and curled up against the opposite wall, his thumb back in his mouth. Gast took his cue and stepped confidently outside, remaining where he knew Sephiroth could see him. "Do you hear me, sky?" he called. "I have a little boy here who thinks you're scary, that you'll hurt me! Is he right? Are you going to hurt me? Come on! Do your worst!"_

_He paused for a few minutes, keeping track of the silver-haired toddler with his peripheral vision. Sephiroth merely watched him, tense with anxious anticipation. _

_"You're just a big softie, aren't you, sky? You don't have it in you to hurt me. You just want me to gaze upon your majesty, and marvel at the wonders you hold. Well, I have wonders here, too. Things you have never seen." He turned his attention fully to Sephiroth, and held out his hand in an open invitation. "Such as a little boy with hair the color of your stars."_

_Sephiroth looked like he wanted to run away, and Gast halfway expected him to. But to his delight, Lucrecia's son didn't back down from the challenge. He got to his feet and came to the doorway, then paused, peeking fearfully at the sky. _

_One step._

_Two steps._

_Then his fingers were curling around Gast's once more, and Sephiroth was looking up at the stars with both fear and wonder. Gast knelt beside him, his smile broad. "See, Sephiroth? The sky can't hurt you. And aren't the stars beautiful?"_

_"Silver." A fistful of star-kissed hair was offered once more. _


	93. Hopes for the Future

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** After Amazon put up a certain oneshot of hers ("The New Sword"; it takes place in the timeline we share and is pre-Nibelheim, so it takes place during this fic. HIGHLY recommended!), she gave me an idea for a new chapter. I'm paraphrasing here, but her suggestion consisted of Seph and Zack discussing the future, and how the women in their lives might figure in with their long-term plans. So, since she's already done a oneshot or two musing over Kandi's future, what-say we take a look at the boys' hopes?

Hopes for the Future

Zack blew some errant hairs out of his eyes, pushing open the door to the observation box with a quick flick of his wrist. This windowed area overlooked the private gymnasium used by the Turks for training, and allowed higher-ups like Verdot, Heideggar, and President Shinra to observe the busy men and women without their knowledge. At the moment, the room's only occupant was a certain silver-haired general. 

Zack had figured his commander and friend would be up here. For the past few weeks, Sephiroth had been sneaking into the observation box whenever he ran out of paperwork and had some time to himself, seemingly odd behavior for a man who previously had little interest in the training procedures of the Turks. But the black-haired man knew precisely why his friend had effected such a change in his daily routine. 

A quick glance out the one-way windows confirmed his prediction. A certain short, green-haired teenager was sparring with another trainee, a pair of long knives in hand. The SOLDIER sidled up to his friend with a decidedly nonchalant air. 

"If I didn't know better, I'd say that the great General Sephiroth seems a tad obsessed with his latest conquest."

The older man snorted. "Am I not allowed to admire a skilled fighter? She's not SOLDIER material, but she can definitely hold her own in a confrontation." 

Zack snickered, watching the sparring match as well as monitoring Sephiroth's reactions out of the corner of his eye. "You've just never spent this much time on a woman before, as long as I've known you. Normally you just fuck 'em and leave 'em, consecutive strings of one-night stands. 

"But you've had Akalara in your bed practically every night since you met her. And not just that, but you've been going out to lunch with her, on actual _dates_ with her. Now, I'm not the most intelligent man on the planet, Seph, but it seems to me that you just might be in love with her."

He slyly observed the silver-haired man with his peripheral vision, pretending to watch Akalara lithely weaving and ducking and dodging her opponent's attacks, striking him in vital areas whenever the opportunity arose. She was getting very skilled at knife-fighting, though her true combat specialty would always be handguns. Sephiroth seemed a bit easier to read whenever the young woman was around; his handsome face bore a faint expression of pride and wonder, as if he had never seen a woman fight before and took partial responsibility for her accomplishment. There was also the merest hint of something else, something powerful, in his peridot eyes.

"I wouldn't know what love felt like, Zack," Sephiroth confessed quietly.

The black-haired man leaned against one of the steel supports between the panes, still watching the sparring match on the floor below. "Does your stomach feel funny whenever you see her? Are you spending a ton of time thinking about her? Does the thought of something happening to her make you feel sick, or enraged?"

Sephiroth nodded, peridot eyes glued to the forest-haired female. "But it's not love, Zack. Akalara is basically to me what Kandi is to you: a beautiful woman whose life I greatly improved, and who repays me by having sex with me. She's one of my best friends, and I would be very upset if something happened to end our arrangement, but that doesn't mean that I love her."

Zack didn't take his violet eyes away from the gym. "So you say, but you don't have the vantage point I do. I've seen the way you look at her, how you treat her and speak about her. Sure seems like love to me, Seph."

The general didn't reply, but his doubt was apparent in his eyes. 

"Kandi and I are friends with benefits, and we do love each other as such. But you and Ak have something deeper than that, something stronger. I can see it, and so can Kandi and Reno and Lily. She looks at you the same way you look at her." 

There was an impatient noise from the silver-haired man, and he finally tore his gaze away from Akalara sweeping her opponent's legs out from under him. "Since we're on the subject, what's the next step in your love life? I know Kandi isn't the only woman you're spending time with."

"Well, there's also Lily, Chris, Felisha, Val..."

"That's not what I - "

"Ak, of course..."

Zack chuckled at the jealous snarl that echoed from his commander's throat. "Just kidding, Seph. You're right, though; I'm still seeing Aerith, though we're not exactly 'official'." He wasn't crazy enough to bring up the night Sephiroth had used the sex coupons Kandi gave him for his birthday. That was the only time the silver-haired man had willingly shared his teenaged bed-mate while still sober.

"Playa," Sephiroth muttered.

"For now, yeah. But that's gotta change sooner or later. After all, it's changed for you, hasn't it?" Without waiting for the older man's reply, he plunged onward. "As for the next step, I'm not exactly sure. Technically, Aerith's my girlfriend. But I don't think of her like that _per se_. Kandi, on the other hand, is my lover and my friend. I've never even groped Aerith; she just seems way too pure and sweet for me to do that sort of thing with her. Give me a few years, though. At some point, I will want to settle down and have a few kids, put my wild lifestyle behind me and become a respectable father and member of the community."

"And which woman can you see yourself doing that with?" the older man inquired.

"Aerith, of course. I mean, Kandi's a pretty awesome woman and she's one of my best friends, but she herself has said that she doesn't want to get married or have kids. So until she changes her mind, I'm only envisioning Aerith in that role." Zack let out a chuckle. "To be perfectly honest, I don't even know if I could handle any kids Kandi might give me. I remember how much of a handful I was to my folks, and I can only imagine what she must have been like as a kid. It's quite possible our brats would cause the apocalyse!"

"Whereas the addition of Aerith's mellow blood and gentle demeanor might serve to calm the impulsive tendencies of your genes." The silver-haired man returned his attention to the scuffle on the gym floor; Akalara had managed to disarm her opponent and was now fending off a flurry of kicks and punches. 

Zack cast sly eyes to his commander. "Well, I return the same question to you, Seph, with a slight modification. What do you predict for your relationship with Akalara, ultimately? And don't hand me any shit about you only being friends and eventually ending it amicably. 'Cause I know friendship is the least of what you feel for her, whether you admit it or not."

Sephiroth shrugged, folding his arms over his chest defensively. "You already know that I want to find a woman with whom I can spend the remainder of my life, and with her raise children."

"And do you think Ak is that woman?"

Another shrug. But Zack wasn't fooled; he saw the raw desire and longing on his friend's perfect profile for the split second it appeared. Sephiroth wanted her to be that woman very, very much. Even if he hadn't admitted it, even to himself, he loved Akalara. There was just no other explanation for the way he treated and spoke about her. "You know she wouldn't say 'no', right? I think Ak wants that life as much as you do, for more than one reason."

The ever-present glow in the peridot eyes grew a little stronger, a sign of Sephiroth's anger. Zack wasn't afraid, though; unless the glow got to the brightness of the average lightbulb, he didn't have to worry about the older man's retribution. "Akalara is not a gold-digger!" he snarled.

Zack held up his hands. "I never said she was. In fact, I think she's a little afraid of your position and status as the General. But she lived on the streets before you met her, remember? Marrying you would give her a degree of safety, security, and all-around stability that she's never known before. And if she does give you children, you'd do anything to protect her and them. Besides, she really cares about you, Seph. I'd even go so far to say that she loves you. And of all the women you've ever known, doesn't she rank as the most abnormal and strongest? A match for you, sort of?"

Sephiroth said nothing, but Zack saw the black leather of his left sleeve crinkle slightly as the long fingers atop it tightened. 

"We seem to have a taste for 'abnormal' females, Zackary." Sephiroth's velvety voice betrayed none of the anger stirred when the younger man referred to Akalara seconds before. "Akalara does not conform to the standard looks and lifestyle expected of females in Midgar, and Kandi also does not, for similar reasons. Aerith, too, seems rather different."

"I know. Can't figure out why, though." Zack smirked as the green-haired woman kicked her opponent to the mats and leapt atop him, pressing her knives to the jugular and carotid arteries in a clear victory. "Do yourself a favor, Seph. Figure out exactly how you feel about her, and act accordingly. Women like Ak don't come along every day, you know."

Sephiroth shrugged again, but a decidedly affectionate smile spread across his lips as Akalara turned her face upwards, staring directly at the mirrors, and waved with a knowing grin. Zack turned to leave, pulling open the door with a knowing smile as his sensitive ears picked up a single word from his commander, whispered so quietly that he had to strain to hear it. 

"Mine."


	94. Cloud Beats It

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Nor do I own "Beat It." Good song.

**Queen's Quornor:** We have had a request for the naive little cadet we all know and love to have a Caught! moment, like his three friends and the greasy psycho. BlueFoxofWater1569 wrote: "Remember the sining escapades (Caught!)? Well, why don't you do one for Cloud? Like, when's he's out training to get better and he's listening to music or something. You can make it whatever song you want, I'd just like to see what you can do." I was having some serious trouble deciding what to do next, since most of the ideas I have for Seph and Co. right now consist of sex and post-Nibelheim stuff (since he's sane again in the Lifestream, and all... See AmazonTurk's half of our timeline for details) and I obviously can't do those in this fic. Ideas would be much appreciated, people. MOST appreciated! I know what I'm going to do for the final two chapters, but I have six more chapters to do before I can put them up. I've gotten some good requests lately, but either I can't think of anything for them, or I've already done them in this fic. Ideas? Anyone?

Cloud Beats It

_They told him don't you ever come around here,  
Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear.  
The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear  
So beat it, just beat it. _

If ever there was a time Cloud was thankful that his bunk-mates were doing extra time in the weight-room, it was now. Arlene had stayed to work with the barbells some more; Ennis and the new guy, Tarl, had decided to try and win her affections with their 'bulging muscles'. This left Cloud alone in their room, with full expectation that the two guys would be back with severely bruised egos and more than a little general irritation. Arlene would simply come back with a satisfied smirk. 

_You better run, you better do what you can.  
Don't wanna see no blood, don't be a macho man.  
You wanna be tough, better do what you can,  
So beat it, but you wanna be bad! _

At the moment, the blond was sitting on his bed leafing through _Playdude_, one of the magazines Zack had slipped him, while listening to his mp3 player. Cloud prefered cds, but for the military he figured it would be better to just leave the stereo at home and download his favorite songs. This tune wasn't "Thriller," but it was still a good song. Cloud had grown up listening to Mikhail Jackals, and knew the dances by heart. 

He'd even been told that he sounded like the Prince of Pop. 

_Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it!  
No one wants to be defeated!  
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight.  
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right._

He realized, suddenly, that he was humming the tune along with Mikhail. Scowling at the magazine, fully aware that his bunk-mates could walk in at any time, Cloud tossed it away and got to his feet, jumping into the dance with the greatest of ease. His natural singing voice, a high tenor bordering on female soprano, started out softly and then grew in power as he threw away his inhibitions and let loose.

_Just beat it, beat it.  
Just beat it, beat it.  
Just beat it, beat it.  
Just beat it, beat it. _

In his mind's eye, Cloud was on-stage, with a thousand fans screaming out his name and girls flashing their breasts at him, begging him to autograph them in permanent marker. At this point, it completely escaped his attention that he was dancing around in a tiny room with minimal space between the bunks. 

_They're out to get you, better leave while you can!  
Don't wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man.  
You wanna stay alive, better do what you can.  
So beat it, just beat it. _

Hip-snap to the left, hip-snap to the right, shoulder-roll and spin. Cloud normally wasn't commended on his flexibility, but in dances like this, he shone. 

_You have to show them that you're really not scared!  
You're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dare!  
They'll kick you, then they beat you,  
Then they'll tell you it's fair.  
So beat it, but you wanna be bad!_

All he heard was the music pounding in his ears. The blood pounding in his veins. What he _didn't _hear was the screaming protest of the hinges mounted on the wall as the door was pushed open, a little souveneir from General Sephiroth's surprise intrusion last Saturday. Thus he was completely unaware of a pair of bright green eyes stared incredulously at his performance. 

_Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it!  
No one wants to be defeated!  
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight.  
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right! _

Cloud moonwalked and spun, belting out the song at the top of his lungs, and then froze as he caught sight of the entity lurking in the doorway. "Ar...Arlene?" he squeaked, his voice cracking. 

Nodding, biting her lips to keep from laughing, the busty cadet slipped into the room and pushed the door shut behind her. "Quite a performance, Cloud," she complimented with the merest hint of a giggle. 

"How much did you see?" 

"Enough to come to the conclusion that you're one hell of a dancer. You should've been a ballerina!"

The blond groaned and collapsed onto his bed, grabbing the pillow and using it to cover his face. Arlene laughed and sat beside his prostrate form, reaching out to rub his stomach playfully. "It's a compliment, Cloud! Do you have any idea how many of military officers and professional athletes take ballet classes? It increases agility and flexibility, makes them better fighters."

"You just called me a ballerina!" came his muffled protest. "What if Ennis had been in here to hear that? Or even worse, _see_ that?"

"Ennis is just a jerkoff, you know that." The brunette leaned closer to him, lifting up the nearest corner of the pillow teasingly. "You know, I think the reason he rides you so hard about your supposed homosexuality is because he is himself, and he doesn't want to admit it."

"You do realize how wrong that sounded, right?"

"I didn't mean it like that, you numbskull!" she laughed, tugging at the pillow. "C'mon outta there."

"I don't wanna," Cloud said with a muffled whine.

"I refuse to hold an intelligent conversation with a pillow," Arlene replied primly. "It's demeaning to both of us. Besides, smart guy, I know you're straight. I've heard you moaning about some girl at night. I think her name's...Tifa?"

The pillow was thrown aside as Cloud sat upright. "What do you mean, 'moaning'?"

Crooked teeth shone in the overhead light as their owner smiled teasingly. "I think you know precisely what I mean. You usually say her name during the nights you wake up and have to change your sheets."

Cloud groaned again and fell dramatically back onto the bed, one ear-piece falling out onto the blanket beneath him. Arlene grinned and picked it up, leaning in close to hear the song. She nodded approvingly as she heard "Beat It" end and "Thriller" start up. "Mikhail Jackals. Good taste."

"You like him?" Cloud asked, sitting up again and narrowly avoiding cracking his head against hers.

"Pretty much all I listened to for awhile when I was little." She bobbed her head in time to the music. "Hey, Cloud. Would you mind teaching me the dance? I never could remember how The Thriller went."

"You sure Nitonio won't mind?" he asked. Cloud had noticed that Arlene had been sneaking off with the Costa del Solian native a lot lately. 

"What he doesn't know won't kill him," she answered confidently. "Now teach me!"

Cloud smiled, trying to hide his blush. He wasn't interested in Arlene, but he'd also never put his hands on a girl before, either. "You got it."


	95. Boredom

**Summary: **Sephiroth and everyday life. Whodathunkit? Ithunkit, that's who! From hiccups to religion, best friends to pets, phobias to embarrassing moments, I shall introduce you to a far more human Sephiroth than the one we see in the games!

**Disclaimer: **I wish I owned the franchise, and Sephiroth especially, but I don't.

**Queen's Quornor: **Much praise to teh maniac! He has asked me to do a bit wherein Sephiroth gets bored in a meeting, and regretting it later on (sort of). The reason I paraphrased it here is quite simple: my computer isn't letting me cut-and-paste. But am I complaining? _HELL NO!!_ Wanna know why? Because I am writing this chapter on my BRAND NEW COMPUTER!! Finally, my old broken computer, aka The World's Largest Paper Weight, has been replaced with something newer, sleeker, and all-around better! So while I calm down, I present you with this new chapter. Praise be!

Boredom

_Seventy-seven, seventy-eight, seventy-nine..._

What cruelty was this, being reduced to counting the grey hairs in Heideggar's beard?

The monthly progress meeting, that's what.

Every month, the various departments of Shinra had to gather in one area and give the President a report of what had been going on and what the plans for the next month were. Sephiroth, for one, really didn't see the point of it; the various Heads actually gave reports to the President every other day. Probably it was for every one elses' benefit, or just another opportunity for the bigwigs of Shinra to look important.

Scarlet, Heideggar, Reeve, and Palmer all spent the majority of the meeting attempting to undermine each other for funding. It would be amusing, in fact, if it wasn't so petty and predictable. Hojo normally sat in his chair either leafing through a pile of folders or just staring at him and taking notes. Precisely what was _in _those notes, Sephiroth couldn't begin to guess. It wasn't like he did anything during these meetings, after all. If Rufus was there, he would always sit at the opposite end of the table and glare at his old man, throughout the entire meeting. Verdot sometimes came along to give a progress report for the Turks, or to suppliment whatever Heideggar was guffawing about. Nothing interesting there; most of the Turks' activities were kept strictly underwraps, and were never discussed during general meetings such as this one. If anything was said about them and whatever they were doing, it was usually an analysis of the current trainees and the various terrorist activities the Turks had been keeping track of over the past month.

As for the SOLDIER department, Lezard handled the specifics there. For reasons Sephiroth could never figure out, he always dragged him along to these infernal meetings. Maybe the blond just wanted to remind them all of exactly what kind of man the program could produce, and why they should continue funding it.

Whatever Lezard's motivations, it always left Sephiroth sitting in a chair bored out of his skull while the people around him argued over a budget big enough to feed all of Wutai for five years and then some.

Glowing peridot eyes flicked to the clock on the wall, abandoning the bushy facial fungus Heideggar claimed was a beard in favor of trying to calculate how much time was left before he could flee back to his office and the Gamestation 2 secreted therein. A round of Demon May Weep or Soulblade sounded really good to the silver-haired general right then.

9:45. Divide that by two, add seven minutes, subtract it from the time on the clock outside, which should be something like 3:22 right now, add one hour, and it was...

-0:57.

Sephiroth's head made a nice _thunk!_ as it connected with the marble tabletop. Unless he misread that clock, he was never getting out of here.

"General?"

What was the point of even looking at that clock, anyway? None of the clocks in this building were on-time. They hadn't been since Reno tried to reset them all for the end of Daylight Savings Time last October, and somebody messed with his digital clock remotely so that he set all of the clocks wrong.

"General Sephiroth!"

He nodded, indicating that he was paying attention. In truth, however, he was concocting ways to fake serious illness or sudden injury without arousing suspicion of the Hojo vartiety, so he could escape this hell-hole and go kill things on his GS2.

Besides, Lezard would tell him whatever the President wanted him to do after the meeting, complete with an official-sounding, corny "Your mission is - " sort of thing. He always did.

Zack strolled down the hallway of the fiftieth floor, searching for someone in particular. It was ten-sixteen, everyone had gone home for the night, and Kandi was playing a naughty variety of hide-and-seek with him. If he found her, he got to do whatever he wanted to her. If he failed to discern her location and chase her down, then he didn't get any tonight.

Expecting to find his busty, red-streaked secretary, the black-haired man was in high spirits. So imagine his surprise when he rounded a corner and nearly walked into a wooden stepladder.

"Watch it!" snarled a familiar deep voice.

Taking a step back, Zack assessed the situation. Sephiroth was up on the stepladder, holding the clock in one hand while turning the dial on the back, occasionally flipping it over to compare it to the ugly gold watch dangling loosely on his left wrist. _Lezard's _watch. He scowled at the timepiece before placing it back on the wall. The younger SOLDIER merely crossed his arms and leaned against the wall with amused violet eyes. He couldn't wait to hear this.

Sephiroth glared at him, peridot eyes rivaling the overhead lights for sheer illumination. "Don't say a word," he warned.

"Just tell me what in Bahamut's name you're doing, Seph."

The silver-haired man folded the stepladder and tucked it under his arm, still scowling. "President Shinra decided that I am the person he wants to reset all the clocks in the building, both digital and battery-operated, so they all display the correct time, accurately. I have clearance to remain in the building all night, if necessary, until all are running to his specifications," he informed his second stiffly.

Zack smiled knowingly. "Got bored in the meeting again?"

"Shut up." Sephiroth hefted the stepladder once more. "I still have forty-nine floors to do. See you tommorrow, Zack."

"See ya, Seph." The black-haired man ducked back around the corner to resume his search for Kandi, stifling a laugh as the distinct sound of wood hitting the nearest wall echoed, following by Sephiroth's snarled curse. There were something like twenty clocks on each floor, and the silver-haired man had started from the top.

He really was going to be there all night.


	96. An Eye for an Eye

**Summary: **Sephiroth and everyday life. Whodathunkit? Ithunkit, that's who! From hiccups to religion, best friends to pets, phobias to embarrassing moments, I shall introduce you to a far more human Sephiroth than the one we see in the games!

**Disclaimer: **I wish I owned the franchise, and Sephiroth especially, but I don't.

**Queen's Quornor: **rinnyzito sent in an idea that piqued my interest. There are a couple of others that I will try to do, but this one got my attention. I still can't cut-n-paste on this computer, dammit, but I'm pretty sure you'll get the gist of the idea anyway.

An Eye for an Eye

Paperwork sucked.

This was one of the universal basic truths. There was no such thing as enjoyable paperwork that one could look forward to doing. Unless someone liked spending their days signing their name over and over and _over _again, for hours on end.

Sephiroth was definitely not one of those people. He had been putting off his paperwork for a few days now, in favor of a few choice missions outside of Midgar. Hunting Zoloms was fun and, at times, comedic; the cadets sent out with him to try their luck against the giant cobras always had the most humorous looks on their faces the first time they saw one. But in his absence, the daily multitude of forms and requests and the like had piled up. Now, the stack had grown until it was taller than he was.

Which left the silver-haired man sitting in his office, signing his name over and over and over again. _Just _how he wanted to spend his day.

For the third time, he laid the pen aside and shook out his sore left hand. Masamune was nothing compared to that writing instrument after about five hours of use. Even master swordsmen could get writer's wrist.

Sephiroth blew some errant hair out of his eyes and glared at the stack overflowing the In box on his desk; five hours, and only half of the forms had made it to the Out box. Wasn't he supposed to get a break at some point? Or at least a chance to go and get something to eat?

Apparently not.

The door slid open, and Sephiroth could not surpress a dismayed sigh as Christine came in carrying a few more papers. "More paperwork?" he asked tiredly.

"More paperwork," she affirmed, dropping the sheets on top of the stack. At least she could actually reach the top without borrowing his chair, now. "From Scarlet."

"Scarlet?" He reached up and took the topmost form, scanning it quickly. "Wonderful... I'm probably going to have to sign at least ten D.S. forms tommorow."

"'D.S.'?" Christine inquired, puzzled.

"'Dead SOLDIER'." Sephiroth glared at the pen, wishing it could sign his name without the guidance of his hand. "Whenever she sends me these forms, asks for me to lend her some of my men and women for whatever weapon she wishes them to test out, I always have to sign a few of them into the Dead Personnel database so somebody can send their families a letter of explanation and arrange shipment of the bodies. Assuming anything's left of them, of course."

The blond secretary shook her head slowly. "And nobody cares that they die because of her mistakes?"

The broad shoulders shrugged. "They signed the liability forms when they joined the military. Whether any of us like it or not, Scarlet cannot legally be held accountable for their deaths, despite her direct involvement." Sephiroth gestured to the paperwork in the Out box. "Can you see that those get delivered to the right people?"

"Sure thing, General." Christine hefted the stack with a grunt, then flashed him a flirty smile as she left the office. Sephiroth looked at the door for a few more moments, pondering whether he should take advantage of the charms she offered once more, then forced himself to get back to work. Unless he wanted to be here until 1 in the morning, he couldn't break for sex.

For several minutes, the only sound in the office was the scratching of his pen and the rustle of paper. Then, a resounding _crash!_ broke the silence.

Silver hair swished as its owner's head whipped to the side, staring at the broken glass littering the floor, as well as the fist-sized rock responsible for the breakage. More than a little surprised, Sephiroth got to his feet and went to the shattered pane, heedless of the shards crunching beneath his boots. He put his hands on the ledge outside and leaned out, peering down at the streets below.

How had somebody thrown a rock through the window? He was up on the sixty-eighth floor! Not even a First Class could throw a rock that size this high up!

Totally focused on the city below, Sephiroth failed to recall one vital fact. What cannot be thrown can be _dropped_...

He almost lost his balance when something smacked into the back of his head, only just managing to avoid pitching forward and falling out the window. Ducking back inside, he reached back and touched the object nearly responsible for his demise, noting that it was moist and freezing cold, whatever it was.

His gloved fingertips sank into something soft and crusty, yet firm. Scraping some off, the silver-haired man brought it forward for examination.

Peridot eyes narrowed, and with an infuriated snarl, Sephiroth swept from his office with a curt command for Christine to hold his calls.

Zack and Reno collapsed back against the ledge encircling the roof of the Shinra building, laughing so hard that tears streamed from the corners of their eyes. "I _cannot _believe we just did that!" the SOLDIER gasped, holding his stomach. "Seph is going to kill us!"

"It was so worth it, Blackspike!" Reno wiped at his eyes and scooped a handful of snow from the cooler. "Saving this shit from last winter? Pure genius, I tell you! I'd love to have seen the look on his face!"

"You'd better hope he never finds out that you're the one who broke his window, Red. Seph has this thing about the destruction of his property."

"That window wasn't his property. It's Shinra's window, which means they're the ones who get to scream about its demise." Reno threw the snow over his shoulder, off the roof. "All Seph has to do is call for a janitor to come in and clean it up. No big deal." The Turk turned sly aqua eyes upon his partner in crime. "Besides, if I was you, I would be worrying more about his reaction when he finds out that I was the one who dropped the snowball on his noggin."

Zack grinned sheepishly. "You did take care of those security cameras, right?"

"Random feed started the moment we set foot up here," Reno assured him.

"Then... Remember the noise he made when I got him?" Zack laughed. "I had no idea he could shriek like that!"

Reno echoed the SOLDIER's mirth, then smiled wickedly. "Look, I'm the General!" He let out a high-pitched squeal and pretended to frantically brush at the back of his head and neck.

Both young men howled at the poor imitation, completely unaware of their surroundings in the grip of their merriment.

Big mistake.

The laughter was replaced with shocked gasps when the warm heat of the summer sun was rudely stolen by an avalanche of cold. Quickly shaking their heads to dislodge the snowy desposits adorning their scalps, the SOLDIER and the Turk froze at the sight of a familiar black coat, pants, and boots. Slowly, their eyes traveled up the length of the coat to meet a pair of glowing peridot eyes.

Sephiroth was not amused.

_Not_ good.

"Strange weather we're having," he commented casually. "I mean, I've never heard of snow in July. And the weathermen predicted clear skies today! What in Bahamut's name are we paying these people?"

Zack tried to speak, but nothing came out of his mouth.

"Pretty concentrated, too. Only two areas, and in such amounts." Sephiroth tilted his head back to gaze at the sapphire sky for a moment, arms crossed comfortably over his chest. "And not a cloud in the sky, either. Did somebody summon Shiva or something? Or..." He kicked the empty cooler across the roof, the pleasant facade falling away to reveal the fury beneath. "Did somebody save snow from last February and use it to drop a snowball the size of a damn bowling ball on my head a few minutes ago?"

Reno swore he felt his heart stop.

"Explain yourselves," the silver-haired man snarled low.

Shivering now, as much out of fear then the rapidly-melting snow on their shoulders, arms, and in their laps, the two younger men merely pointed at each other, unable to speak.

"So by your admission, you both are guilty for almost sending me plummeting out the window. This calls for immediate punishment." Sephiroth jabbed his finger at a spot off to the side. "Get your asses over there and _kneel!_"

Zack and Reno scrambled to obey, terrified of what was about to happen. What was Sephiroth going to do to them?

On their hands and knees, heads down and eyes tightly shut, the two men waited in agonizing silence for what seemed an eternity before heavy footsteps paced to a stop behind them.

"Just remember: you brought this upon yourselves," Sephiroth hissed.

Zack and Reno braced themselves, certain that the silver-haired man was about to kill them. For all they knew, Masamune was about to come slicing through their bared necks.

Two extremely un-manly screams shrilled through the air a moment later, followed immediately by Sephiroth's rarely-heard, full-bellied laughter. The younger men reared back, pawing at the ice and snow that had been dumped down their necks and the back of their shirts to trickle into their pants. Reno tore off his jacket and shirt in an attempt to expose his chilled back to the heat of the sun, while Zack was distracted by the sight of his older friend walking back towards the fire escape, his guffaws dying down to mere chuckles.

"You should have seen the looks on your faces!" he mockingly exclaimed. "And those screams... Priceless!"

The SOLDIER and the Turk listened to him making his way back down the metal stairs, slowly reaccustoming themselves to summer's heat. "Zack?"

"Yeah Reno?"

"He got us good."

"I know, Reno." Zack pulled the soggy fabric of his uniform's top away from his back and over his head, spreading it out to dry beside Reno's shirt. "I am _fully aware _of this fact."


	97. Beastmaster

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor: **I just want to go on the record as saying that I completely, totally, and utterly despise chocobos. Damned oversized chickens... That said, I had a request from S.J. Coppock for, and I quote, "An Evil Chocobo". I initially discounted this simply because I don't like the yellow excuses for emus, but then upon going through the reviews I came across it once more and just _laughed_... I mean, I think I've demonstrated time and again here that Seph's life is far from perfect. How do you think he goes over with certain members of the Animal Kingdom, hmmm? And also, I'm not sure if Chloe's the granddaughter's name or not, so if I get it wrong, I apologize.

Beastmaster

_A truck, a truck... My rank for a truck... _

Although one would never have guessed it looking at him, Sephiroth was inwardly comparing his looming situation with decidedly unreal prospects. Namely, getting on the back of an enormous bird or going across the swamp on-foot, and risk running into a Midgar Zolom every ten minutes to half-hour. Right now, facing a 25 ft tall snake sounded far more appealing than getting anywhere near one of the fowl of burden strutting back and forth inside the paddock.

He could ride chocobos. He just didn't like them, that's all.

Mostly because, for some unfathomable reason, they always tried to eat his hair.

Arrangements had been made in advance, and there were currently seven chocobos waiting for him and his men, tacked up and ready. Shinra had been explicit this time, given where their mission would take them; rather than the regular yellow fowl, Sephiroth and his SOLDIERs would be riding black chocobos. Most were owned by Shinra anyway, but a couple had been purchased from somewhere and added to the group.

One of these new acquisitions had been assigned to Sephiroth.

Inwardly railing against the enormous birds and praying they would spontaneously turn into a chopper, the silver-haired man followed the owner of the farm to a bird stalking around in a separate paddock from the others. When it heard their approach, the chocobo swiveled its head to look at them; Sephiroth couldn't be absolutely sure, but he was fairly certain he saw Ifrit's hellfires raging in the bird's eyes. "That's your mount, General," Chocobo Bill announced, gesturing to the midnight fowl. "Her name is Sweetie."

One molten brow lifted, and Sephiroth stared at 'Sweetie' incredulously. The chocobo had lifted its feathers menacingly, and was currently hissing at him. "You're joking, right?"

The aging man chuckled and shook his head. "Nope, that's her name. The woman we bought her from claimed she was the sweetest bird she ever raised, and that the only reason she was willing to sell her was because she needed the gil badly."

"Forgive my increduality, but I would hardly call that 'sweet'," Sephiroth said, holding his ground while the black chocobo stomped and clawed at the grass, eyes narrowed in hate. "More like 'intent on grevious bodily harm'."

"Oh, she can be a real sweetheart when she wants to be. You should see her with my granddaughter, General. It's enough to make your heart melt." Bill extracted some greens from his pocket and tossed them just beyond the fence. Sweetie hissed at the silver-haired man once more, then stalked over to the greens and bent down to begin eating. Bill led Sephiroth to the gate and opened it slowly, careful not to disturb the busy bird. They approached silently, but Sweetie sensed their prescence nonetheless. She picked up the remaining greens in her beak and swaggered across the paddock from them, then dropped them and continued her snack as though nothing had happened.

The men exchanged looks, then resumed their stealthy walk. Once more, Sweetie moved elsewhere. This continued for quite some time, much to the amusement of the onlooking SOLDIERs in the next paddock over. All of whom, Sephiroth noted with no small amount of annoyance, were sitting comfortably in the saddles on their chocobos' backs.

Sweetie finally finished her greens and turned her attention to the men following her. Once again, the feathers were raised and ruffled, innocent grass was uprooted, and that chilling hiss was directed in their direction. Only this time, it seemed to the silver-haired man that there was more purpose to the display than merely warning them away.

"Get ready," Bill murmured out of the corner of his mouth. "She's going to charge."

"I can see that," Sephiroth muttered, spinning out of the way as a black blur shot towards them, forcing the men to dive out of the way lest they be trampled. "Any other great revelations, Wise Old Sage?"

"Yes." Bill raced for the fence and vaulted over the top, leaving the silver-haired man alone in the paddock with Sweetie. "You might want to run, General."

The only reply the aging man got for his oh-so-obvious advice was a bone-chilling glare from glowing peridot eyes before their owner was forcefully coerced into running for his life. Sweetie, apparently, had taken a particular dislike to Shinra's esteemed general, and was now chasing him all over the small paddock, attempting to peck at a certain sensitive area. The midnight fowl was too close for him to simply jump over the fence as Bill had, so he was obliged to simply attempt to outrun the thing. As soon as the chase began, Sephiroth had snatched his famous hair over one shoulder and wound it around his fist, so Sweetie would be unable to catch him via his most prized possession.

"Did I mention Sweetie is a retired racing champion?" Bill called, accompanied by the laughter of the mounted SOLDIERs.

"I think I've figured that out already!" Sephiroth snapped, whipping off his trademark leather jacket and hurling it in Bill's direction. Sweetie had almost latched onto it a moment before.

This only made his squad laugh harder. Their esteemed commander was shirtless, hanging onto his hair for dear life, and running around a paddock with a black chocobo hot on his heels, intent on performing the avian equivalent of a bull's posterior-aimed goring in a rodeo.

If only a camera was in the vicinity...

"Granddad! What is going _on?" _

On the next turn, Sephiroth saw a young girl with brown hair running up to Bill, climbing onto the fence beside him with practiced ease.

"Sweetie is just being difficult, Chloe. She doesn't like the General very much."

The eye-roll was audible. "Granddad, Sweetie doesn't like him because he's a _man_. Duh."

That comment almost made Sephiroth stop in his tracks, but a near-miss by Sweetie's beak kept him moving. "_What_?" he yelled.

"Didn't you hear Miss Bekta when she dropped her off, Granddad? Sweetie doesn't like boys. She was raised and ridden only by Miss Bekta and her partner; there's something about boys that gets her feathers ruffled." Chloe hopped off the fence and held out some greens. "Sweetie-pie!" she called, holding the vegetation out invitingly. "I have a treat for you!"

Sweetie immediately ceased her pursuit of Sephiroth and trotted over to the little girl, allowing the silver-haired man to launch himself over the nearest stretch of fence to safety. He stared incredulously as the evil fowl previously intent on denying his rights to sit comfortably for an unknown period of time delicately consumned the proffered greens directly from Chloe's hand. Once the greens had vanished, she continued her earth-shattering behavior by nuzzling the little girl's hair with her beak, purring and cooing affectionately. Chloe simply grinned and pet Sweetie's midnight plumage gently.

"See? She likes me 'cause I'm a girl."

Bill shook his head slowly, amazed. "I guess asking you to ride her now is out of the question, right General?"

Sephiroth nodded stiffly, retrieving his coat and slipping it back on while glaring death at the two-faced chocobo.

"I can probably get you another chocobo..."

"Not necessary," the silver-haired man snarled. "We have a woman here already. Callie! Switch me mounts."

One of the SOLDIERs immediately dismounted and ambled over to them without further prompt. Once the helmet was removed, it was perfectly obvious to all that this SOLDIER was, indeed, female. A rather flat-chested female, but female nonetheless. Sephiroth snarled muted imprecations as he stalked over to her riderless chocobo, swinging into the saddle with ease. Callie, for her part, was accepted into Sweetie's saddle without a fuss; after a quick exploration of proffered fingers and inhalation of the SOLDIER's scent, the man-hating chocobo stood quietly as Callie mounted her. Sweetie let out a tiny hiss when Callie rode her over to the rest of the squad, but a quick pet from her rider was enough to calm her.

Sephiroth sneered at Sweetie, then turned his best glare upon the six SOLDIERs accompanying him. "Any word of this gets out, and I will send each of you to Scarlet for her next weapons test."

"Sir! We won't tell anybody, sir!" the squad's newly-promoted Third Class called from the back.

Sephiroth glared at Sweetie a moment longer, then set off in the direction of the swamp, followed by the rest of the squad. "See that you don't." To Sweetie, he thought _I'll see you roasting over a fire later, bird. _

He could have sworn Sweetie flipped one of her wing-feathers at him.


	98. What About Rufus?

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. As much as I love this song, it belongs to Brandy, not me.

**Queen's Quornor:** A couple of people have requested that 'Shinra Jr.' have his own Caught! moment, most recently NightRanger85. That most recent request asked that I have Rufus singing/dancing to "The Real Slim Shady," but there's a couple of problems with that. I know I got away with the modern references in Zack's Caught! chapter, but I don't want to chance that again. And while I love Eminem's music, I feel that most of his songs contain too many references to our world to comfortably fit in this fic. So, I chose a different song. I think it works for the situation presented far better, anyway.

What About Rufus?

Pearly white teeth caught the light from the computer moniter, a smile filled with feral delight. Sephiroth watched the windows closely, the speakers turned low. This late at night, he did not wish to be interrupted in his task.

Namely, attaining vengeance against ShinRa's vice president. It had taken months, but at long last he had discovered a usuable secret. And now he aimed to reveal that dirty little secret to the last person Rufus would wish to know.

A click of the mouse, and the link with the security camera in the Vice President's office was made. Now the silver-haired man could see everything that was going on behind Rufus' door, as well as hear. And what a revelation that brought.

_"__Why don't you return my calls? Why you trip out where I be? You don't ever come to see me. You say that you're too busy."_

As suspected. Rufus was standing in front of the television mounted in the wall, a microphone in hand. The mike was hooked up to a stereo and a black box, which in turn had been plugged into the television screen. Words scrolled across the screen, too far away for the camera to make out. But it was very obvious what was going on here anyway.

_"What the hell? I don't have time. Why you messin' with my mind? I can find another guy, someone who will treat me right."_

Yes. Rufus Shinra, Vice President of the largest, most powerful corporation on the planet, was singing karaoke.

_"I don't need this bull ish. I won't put up with it, any longer. You can, go if you want. I don't, need you pity."_

Even better, this song was by Sandi, an up-and-coming star on the R&B scene. A singer Rufus loathed and constantly belittled among his collegues. He had even purchased the entire shipment of her first album from the Moonbeach store on Loveless Avenue and used every last disc for target practice. His hatred of the Costa del Solian singer was nearing legendary proportions.

And here he was, singing her latest hit single.

_"I will, be just fine. If you decide, that you want to leave, close the, door behind you. I just, want to know what..."_

What was more potentially humiliating - and thus of great amusement to Sephiroth - was the fact that Rufus was swinging his hips and dancing in place as he followed the lyrics. Every now and then, he even went so far as to flip his hair, his famous trademark movement. As the chorus came up, the blond man pointed to a potted plant in the corner, flipping his hand sassily and cocking his hips from side to side.

_"What about all of the things that you say? What about all of the promises that you made? What about all of the ice that you gave? What about all of the things you told me? What about all of the things that you say? What about all of the promises that you made? What about all of the ice that you gave? What about, what about... What about us? What about us, us? What about us? What about us, us?"_

Sephiroth really wished he could see Rufus' face right now. It was difficult to imagine what the blond's expression would be while he was singing. Was he as serious and emotionless as always, accusing the plant of cheating on him? Or was he as absorbed in the song as his body language indicated, complete with wrenching, earnest expression and soulful eyes? It was a shame the security camera was in the far corner of the room, to the right of Rufus' desk. His vengeance would be all the sweeter if he could capture the vice president's face during his little performance.

_"I thought you said you were different. Was that what I heard you say? Said that you'd love only me. Thought that you'd be all I need."_

Rufus was still serenading the plant. But Sephiroth still had Phase 2 of his evil plan to implement. And that he did now, with a few keystrokes and a click of the mouse.

President Shinra, Scarlett, Heideggar, Reeve, and Palmer were having a meeting via speaker-phone right now, since the air fresheners in the conference room were getting changed again. Rufus also had a speaker-phone, but he was not necessary to the issues being discussed currently. So his phone, while linked to the rest, was not active at the moment.

A single click of the mouse during a pause in the conversation between Heideggar and Reeve, and Sephiroth's vengeance was complete.

_"What happened to promises? Said that you were a better man. Your words have no weight with me, cause you're counterfeit, I see!" _

Grinning wide, the silver-haired man leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, listening to the stunned gasps of his superiors while Rufus continued wailing away. The blond probably couldn't hear any of the others over his own voice, which was just as well. It would allow more time for the bigwigs to realize who was crashing their conference with song. Sephiroth was already anticipating the sight of Rufus Shinra jumping out of his skin and getting lectured by his daddy.

_"I don't need this bull ish. I won't put up with it, any longer. You can, go if you want. I don't, need you pity. I will, be just fine." _

And once the conference call was over, the tape currently recording the night's events could be put to good use. It was about time the ShinRa workforce were treated to the sight of something other than the news or sports events during their lunch period, after all...


	99. Shit Happens

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor: **I really wanted to do something with laundry mishaps, but it just didn't quite work. So I went with the next best thing, which happens to be this. For writing this while riding in the back of an old buick and then also during a nonstop sibling-born commentary of "Friends", I really hope this came out well. I'm drawing on personal experience for this one; thank you Mom for that wonderful, MEMORABLE day.

Shit Happens

Lily lifted her head, a disgusted look on her pretty face. "Does anybody else smell something funny?"

Zack dropped the remote to cover his mouth and nose, coughing hard. "Try something awful."

"Nose-blistering!" Akalara supplied, following the SOLDIER's lead.

"What _is _that?" Reno demanded, burying his nose in his sleeve.

"It's coming from the hall!" Kandi gasped, her voice indicating that she had completely cut ties with her nasal passages for the time being.

Sephiroth, one hand covering his sensitive schnozz, rose to his feet just as the hallway erupted. Nine genetically-modified puppies and one fire-breathing white tiger stampeded out into the living room and crowded onto every lap they could reach. Masai huddled against the back of the couch, his nose covered by his paws. Lily found herself cuddling Marluxia and Larxene, Zack winced in pain as Demyx barralled into his lap, Reno became a seating arrangement for Xigbar and Saix, Kandi was claimed by Roxas and Axel (the latter of whom buried his muzzle in her cleavage), and Akalara's lap was filled by Xemnas and Zexion. It did not escape Sephiroth's notice that all of the puppies were hiding their faces against their unwitting cushions, avoiding their surprised gazes. Masai was the only one who would meet his eyes.

With a sinking sensation, the silver-haired man turned away from the couch and approached the hall. The stomach-churning scent grew stronger with each step, making his blood run cold.

When he turned into the hallway, he felt his jaw go slack, his peridot eyes bulging out of his skull.

The carpet was coated by a glistening, steaming, smelly blanket of fresh diarrhea.

"What in Hades' name did they _eat?_" he thundered, as a chorus of terrified whimpers rose from nine separate throats.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"Found the problem!" Reno announced from the kitchen. "Your furry delinquents got into the trash, Seph."

"Ate a little bit of everything, from the looks of things. Where do you keep your trash bags?" Lily called, poking her out into hallway.

"Under the sink," Sephiroth grunted, scrubbing harder at the soiled carpet.

Akalara sat back, tightening the fabric tied over her nose and mouth before dunking her brush and getting back to work. She, Sephiroth, and Zack were all down on their knees with their lower faces covered by five bandanas each and hands sheathed in thick rubber gloves, cleaning up the mess. Most of the liquid shit had been removed by copious scooping; now all that was left to do was getting the carpet itself clean and sanitized. To that end, the three unlucky souls were armed with a plastic bucket of warm, soapy water and three scrub-brushes.

As for the puppies themselves, they had been dumped in Sephiroth's shower to await the end of their intestinal misery. Standing on a rubber mat (to ground Larxene, since getting her wet was never a good idea), they were being watched by Kandi, who held the detachable shower-head in her hand. Whenever one of the puppies began an involuntary evacuation of their bowels, she'd hit the water and turn the spray upon the soiled end of the canine in question. Masai, despite his legendary hatred of water, had remained in the bathroom to growl soothingly to the unhappy puppies, his rough tongue swiping eight little drooping heads whenever they whimpered. Larxene received only a nuzzle when she needed parental comfort.

"How did this much shit come from those tiny puppies?" Zack groused, swishing his brush in the bucket. "This is more like what I'd expect from Palmer after a night of bingeing at Burrito Gong, not them!"

"Obviously whatever they got into didn't agree with them!" Akalara snapped, taking up her brush once more.

"From now on, the garbage is going under the sink. They can't open the cabinets." Sephiroth peeled off his rubber gloves and fixed his hair again; he had tied his precious mane into a sort of hybrid between a ponytail and a bun to keep it well away from the mess. But due to the sheer thickness and length of his hair, it was slipping out of the hair-band he'd borrowed from Lily with every move he made.

"Seph, here. Let me." Akalara took off her gloves and ripped out her own hair-band and the chopsticks securing her bun, moving behind her lover when he nodded his assent and sat back on his haunches. Gently, the Turk trainee let his hair down before gathering it into a ponytail. In short order, she had wrapped it into a bun and pushed the ornate chopsticks into the silver mass. "How is that?"

Sephiroth slowly turned his head; the massive bun remained in place. "It's nice and tight. Thank you, Akalara." He glanced over at Zack as he pulled gloves back on, and Akalara went to dump out the bucket in the kitchen sink. Under the cover of running water, he leaned closer to his second-in-command. "I don't look feminine, do I?"

Zack bit his cheek hard, thankful that his commander didn't notice Reno, Lily, and Kandi poking their heads out into the hall and turning red with the effort of trying not to laugh. "Not at all, Seph. Not at all."


	100. How Graceful of You

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** Well, folks. Here it is. Chapter 100. I tell you, I had some problems coming up with ideas for this one. I wanted something humorous, and wasn't coming up with anything that worked beyond the first few sentences. So I went back to the drawing board with a challenge of my own: "what is the one thing nobody has ever seen Sephiroth do, in video games, manga, or movie?" I've covered most of the big stuff already, I think, so that left me with something simple. And here it is.

**Humor the Author: **Awhile back, somebody asked me if I would be doing a 'what's your favorite chapter?' vote in a review. I would put the name here, but I just waded through all of the reviews for chapter 1-53 with no luck. So I am unsure who asked me that. But the request shall be honored all the same. I'd like for all of you to vote on these following catagories:

1) What's your favorite angst/drama chapter?

2) Favorite humor chapter?

3) Favorite Caught! chapter?

4) Who's your favorite of the OCs presented in this fic?

5) Overall favorite chapter?

I'll post the results in the next chapter, the final one. So vote while you can! Or I never post the final chapter!

How Very Graceful of You

It was the best of days, it was the worst of days.

Actually, it was just the worst of days.

Sephiroth had yet to find a single good thing about today. His alarm had somehow gotten turned off during the night, and he was three hours late for drills this morning, Xemnas had made a mess on the carpet in the hallway (conveniently placed for him to step in. In bare feet), Scarlet had dumped a request for twenty SOLDIERs to be loaned to Weapons Development on his desk, there hadn't been any coffee left in the First Class lounge, the bottle of Bailey's hidden in the bottom drawer was inexplicably empty, he had been forced to work through lunch after a half-ton of documents were delivered to his office (each with an Urgent! stamp across the top), Masai had gone missing again, neither Akalara nor Christine had been able to get away and see him at any point during the afternoon, Hojo had informed him that he was due for another physical tonight, his dentist had called with the news that he needed two new fillings, and Reno had set off a canister of tear-gas in his bathroom.

Forget worst. Just try horrible.

Sephiroth looked up at the clock and threw his pen across the room, almost hitting the Mini-Me sitting on his shelf. Peridot eyes glared at the doll, wishing his miniature twin could take his place and have the horrible day instead. Well, at least he could go back to his apartment and leave the office behind now. It was quitting time. And being that it was Friday night, he could happily engage in erasing this day from his mind with the liberal application of alcohol once he returned home.

His friends would join him later, to take part in the weekly TGIF celebrations. But the booze was all his until they got there. And he seriously needed it.

Leaving his office behind, the silver-haired man walked down the hall towards the elevators, fixing the collar of his coat so it lay more smoothly against his neck. Christine got up from her desk and joined him after shutting off her computer. She gave him a questioning look out of the corner of her eyes. "Bad day, sir?"

"You have no idea, Chris," Sephiroth replied. He glanced down at her. "Going to get Axys?"

The blond secretary nodded, hitching her purse up on her shoulder. "Sorry I haven't been coming to party with you guys, but my daughter is more important than getting drunk and laid."

She was rewarded with a little smile from her boss and godfather of her child. "No explanation is required. A child's welfare should always take precedence over desires of the parent."

"I've been trying to clean myself up," she confessed, looking at the overhead lights reflected on the floor. "I want to be a mother she can be proud of, not somebody that ashames her by coming home drunk every weekend or staying out all night with strange men and women."

Sephiroth's smile widened. "You are to be commended for your devotion, then. Axys needs at least one parent who is responsible."

Christine shoved her boss playfully. "Don't bad-mouth my baby's father. Reno is still drinking and hooking up, but he does love Axys and he was willing to marry me when I got pregnant. He's a good man."

"I wasn't bad-mouthing thim. I know he'll settle down someday, and he is a good man. I suspect he'll also be a responsible father once she gets older."

"He already is." Christine pushed some hair behind her ear as they rounded a corner. "When he spends the night, he's always getting up to check on her, even when she's still asleep. He doesn't smoke around Axys, or drink when she's around. He's constantly checking on her diapers and making sure I'm not burping her too hard. And Valerie told me he comes to check on her in the daycare center at least three times a day."

Sephiroth chuckled. "Sounds more like 'neurotic' to me."

"Laugh all you want. He's a great help." Christine looked over at her boss. "So tell me. What are you and the others planning on getting into tonight?"

"Zack's bringing over some vodka from Icesicle Inn, and Ak's bringing Kalulah. Lily's got some Ryke's Hard Lemonade for us to down, and I think Kandi said something about some rum from Costa del Sol. Plus I've got all my liquor and Reno's got beer."

The secretary laughed. "In other words, you and the others won't emerge until Sunday evening. Sounds awesome, sir."

"We think so." The elevators came into view, the illuminated numerals indicating that the car was several floors away from theirs. "Looks like we won't have to wait forever for once."

"Seems like it."

They continued towards the elevators, looking forward to nothing more than relaxation with people they cared about. The doors to the elevator car began to slide open with the gentle ring of a bell...

...and Sephiroth suddenly found himself airborne.

"Augh!" he yelled as he went flying, face-first straight into the ground. It suddenly hit him that tile did not feel very good against one's unguarded skin about the same time the floor did.

"Seph! Oh my gods!" Christine hit the floor next to him, though she touched down on her knees instead of her face, and she did it by design rather than accident. "Are you all right?"

Sephiroth was afraid to lift his head. He didn't want to see his reflection in the tiles; it felt like he had broken his nose or at the very least had a serious nosebleed.

"Seph, talk to me!" Slender hands forced - or rather peeled - his face off the floor. "Oh my gods..."

"How bad is it?" he slurred, tasting blood in his mouth. More blood was pouring across his lips and chin, and he couldn't inhale through his nose.

"You don't wanna know."

"General!"

"Are you all right, sir?"

"General Sephiroth! Are you okay?"

"Dude, that was one bad fall!"

He felt the blood drain from his face. Perhaps out his nose. "They...?"

"Yeah." Christine cleared her throat and took off her jacket, handing it to her boss without preamble. She approached the elevator at a fast clip, face smooth and professional. "The General is all right, people. Nothing to see here. Move along."

"But we..."

"Your concern is noted and appreciated. However..." Christine reached inside the elevator and hit the button for the bottom floor. She waved her fingers at the car's occupants as the doors slid shut, ignoring their protests. "Bye now!"

She ran back to her boss as soon as the car was gone. Sephiroth was struggling to his feet, one hand cupped over his nose. Blood poured between his fingers and down his wrist. "C'mon, sir. Let's get you some ice. That's gonna swell like crazy."

"Thanks for your assurance, Chris," the silver-haired man gasped, his nasal passages completely stuffed up now. "Where's my Restore materia?"

"Back at your apartment, I think. I don't see it in your armlet." She grabbed his arm and helped him in the direction of the stairwell. "Now unless you want our friends to see you like this, let's get you cleaned up. Somehow, I don't think the gossip-mongers would be able to get over the idea of the Great General Sephiroth _tripping _over his own two feet."


	101. Epilogue: Sacrifice

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** The final chapter ended up being so long, I cut it in half. So this is part one of the grand finale. This, by the way, is how I interpret the events described in the game. I think it's pretty clear, given certain things that happen in the game, but so far I'm the only person I know of who has come up with this particular theory. Oh, and I do still need the rest of you to vote on the five catagories, which I have reposted in this chapter for your convenience. Those of you who have already cast your vote need not revote. To those of you who have not yet voted, I would advise that you do; I'm not posting the results until the final-final chapter, which should be the next one. The more votes I get, the sooner that chapter gets posted (it's already finished; it all depends on you).

**Humor the Author: **Awhile back, somebody asked me if I would be doing a 'what's your favorite chapter?' vote in a review. I would put the name here, but I just waded through all of the reviews for chapter 1-53 with no luck. So I am unsure who asked me that. But the request shall be honored all the same. I'd like for all of you to vote on these following catagories:

1) What's your favorite angst/drama chapter?

2) Favorite humor chapter?

3) Favorite Caught! chapter?

4) Who's your favorite of the OCs presented in this fic?

5) Overall favorite chapter?

I'll post the results in the next chapter, the final one. So vote while you can! Or I never post the final chapter!

Epilogue: Sacrifice

She had lied to him.

That was the last thought Sephiroth had had before the darkness took him. Deep in the bowels of Shinra Manor, while sifting through hundreds of research documents, notes, and scientific journals, _she _had taken him. Her sibilant whispers had woven across his brain, and the icy heat of her touch had crept throughout his body. On the final day of his stay in Nibelheim, she had dropped all seductive pretenses and attacked him.

Her power had consumned him.

Jenova now ruled his body, and through it her power flowed freely. All that she had done had been blamed on him; she had been careful to mask her own involvement, to make it seem as if he was the villian scheming to destroy the Planet. And Sephiroth was helpless to stop her, a prisoner trapped in his own body. His mind was damaged by her assault and subsequent possession, but he could still see and hear. He could still feel.

But he could not act.

Sephiroth had watched while Jenova committed horrific crimes in her own name, using his body as her tool. Helpless, he had witnessed the massacre in the Shinra Building when she had reclaimed her own body, culminating in the murder of the most powerful man in the world. He had seen his own black-gloved fingers impale a fully-grown Midgar zolom on a tree in the swamp. He had watched Nibelheim burn, unable to do more than plea for Jenova to stop. The slaughter aboard the boat, Jenova's dual possession of himself and Cloud Strife, the attempted defilement of Aerith Gainsborough... He had seen everything, and hadn't been able to do a damn thing to stop them.

Most painful of all, he had only been able to watch helplessly when Jenova had summoned Masamune and leapt out from a precipice in the Ancient Capital, falling to skewer Aerith, his best friend's innocent girlfriend, while she knelt defenseless and unaware on the holy altar. That was the woman Zack had loved, and his blade, his hands, had taken her life.

The last of the Cetra, Jenova's ancient enemies, was dead.

Now Meteor was hurtling towards the Planet, and Jenova's power was surpressing the counter-magic Aerith had summoned, Holy.

Sephiroth could sense the presence of Cloud Strife. He and his companions had defeated Jenova's last three attempts at destroying them: Jenova Synthesis, Bizzaro Sephiroth, and Safer Sephiroth. But now it was just Cloud. No longer the innocent, naive little cadet he and Zack had hung around with, the blond swordsman was focused and powerful, utterly convinced that he, Sephiroth, was to blame for all the death and destruction, for every single wrong that had befallen himself and Zack in the past five years.

Cloud was going to kill him.

Unless Jenova killed the swordsman first.

Sephiroth could feel his muscles thrumming with her power, the steely gaze of his own eyes hard upon the distant twists and lines of the Lifestream. Jenova was practically salivating at the prospect of killing the Planet's last defender, of achieving the goal she had been denied two thousand years ago. Cloud would be dead in seconds if Sephiroth didn't do something fast.

_She's going to destroy everything!_ his heart screamed.

_Everything deserves annihilation, _Jenova hissed. Sephiroth's mind shuddered at the iciness of her words. _Lend me your power, Sephiroth. What does this world owe you? It abandoned you! It cared nothing for you! _A small measure of anxiety was hidden behind her words, and Sephiroth realized that she had invested too much of her own power in the previous three forms. For the first time in two thousand years, Jenova was faced with the prospect of her own mortality. _Join with me, and we can take our revenge upon this planet!_

Sephiroth's mind trembled, so weak after so much oppression. Thoughts and memories of his life before Jenova flashed across his heart.

Zack laughing with him, purple eyes glowing with merriment.

Reno tipping back a bottle of vodka, grinning slyly at him.

Masai growling good-naturedly as his hand scratched at his hindquarters.

Kandi stealing some of his food, joking about how a muscular man like him didn't need calories.

Christine sashaying out of his office with papers in hand, flipping her golden hair at him saucily.

The nine puppies tumbling over each other in his bed and climbing onto his chest and stomach to curl in sleep.

His goddaughter Axys, yawning in his arms.

Lily smiling while she showed off her newest dance routine.

Cloud blushing lobster-red while Zack teased him about something.

Professor Gast leading him out to the roof to see the stars.

Armelia rocking him to sleep after the loss of his wing.

Zack and Reno laying so still in twin hospital beds, fighting for their lives against a viscious experimental drug.

Masai giving the puppies a tongue-bath.

Christine feeding Axys on his couch.

Kandi and Zack laughing and drinking, a rude song spilling from their lips.

Tareyna congratulating him on his rescue of the little boy.

Akalara's arms tight around him, her cranberry eyes filled with emotion.

His last night with her, the life flowing from his body to hers. _His legacy._

They would all die if Jenova succeeded. Zack, Reno, Cloud, Lily, Kandi, Christine, Axys, Masai, the puppies...

_Akalara._

With strength borne of sheer desperation, Sephiroth threw himself at Jenova, catching her off-guard. His mind wrestled hers, forcing her to a stalemate, his body to in-action.

_What are you doing?!_ she cried. _The Planet owes you this! Kill it!_

Sephiroth stubbornly held her immobile. _A planet of innocent people is not responsible for the sins of a single man. Nor the pain of his victim. _

_You fool! _Jenova struggled and almost broke free just as Cloud came into view, but Sephiroth held on. Without either his or Jenova's control, his body would remain motionless. A sitting duck. _This is your chance for revenge! Kill him, and you can become a god!_

_You mean become your tool while _you _become a goddess!_ he snapped, tightening his hold on her so she could not break free. _I spent my life protecting others. I may not be able to drive you from me, but I am not going to just sit back and let you destroy everything that I love!_

Jenova wrestled a little control back with a flash of pain, and Sephiroth watched his arms raise Masamune into the guard position. His mind tackled Jenova's then, knowing Cloud was close. All he had to do was pin her down for a few minutes. She was powerful, but he was too, and she was weakened by prior battles while he had desperation and the knowledge that he himself had nothing to lose and everything to save to lend him strength. He was going to sacrifice everything so his friends, his love, could live.

Jenova didn't stand a chance.

_I am your mother!_ she shrieked, unable to do more than thrash in his hold.

Sephiroth snorted, watching Cloud land in front of him, Zack's Buster Sword gleaming in his hands. _No mother would _ever_ do the things you've done, bitch._

He thought of his friends, saying good-bye to each of them, and paused when he came to Akalara. His heart hurt, because suddenly he realized that Zack had been right. And he would never be able to tell her how he felt, or share his secret dream with her.

For his sacrifice she, and all the others, would live on. With the death of his body, Jenova would die and her power would diminish significantly, allowing Holy to stop Meteor.

But he, too, would die with his body.

Hatred and confusion flared in Cloud's glowing sapphire eyes, and he leapt towards Sephiroth's unmoving body, sword flashing. Jenova screamed in denial, and Sephiroth merely increased his hold on her mind.

_Kill us, Cloud. Both of us. _


	102. Epilogue: Aftermath

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. NOTE: This chapter refers to goings-on in other fics of mine and AmazonTurk's, maybe MysticSpiritus' as well.

**Queen's Quornor:** Well, here we are. The final, final chapter. It's been thirteen months and sixteen days since I wrote and posted a little blip about the immaculate, great, ever-so-perfect General Sephiroth getting the hiccups. I had no idea that short piece, and the following six chapters, would gain so much attention or so many faithful readers. If you had told me when I first posted this fic that I would have more than 1100 reviews, 130 faves, and 99 alerts by the time the final chapter was up I would have laughed in your face. "Evidence of Sephiroth's Humanity" has seriously increased my personal popularity on here, allowed me to make some totally kickass friends, and shown me aspects of Sephiroth's character that hadn't occurred to me before, aspects that were only confirmed when Crisis Core came out only four months ago. Through this fic, I and several of the aforementioned friends (you know who you are) have fleshed out our OCs and the canon characters, and created a whole timeline of fics and oneshots involving them. I can't take credit for the entire timeline, of course, since there were other fics involved in its development, but this one helped kickstart the idea of joining my and AmazonTurk's fics together. I've had people PM me about this fic, telling me that it's changed their opinion of Sephiroth and that they actually like him or feel sorry for him now. EoSH has done a lot for me, and I have tried so hard to keep Sephiroth, Zack, and all the other canon characters in-character throughout all 101 chapters. The favorable responses I've received from all of you have really made me more confident as an author, since I made it my mission to show Sephiroth as the person he was instead of the monster so many think him to be. I don't think I got a single flame at all during this fic, something I was fully expecting to experience at some point given what I was putting Seph through. But I suppose everybody wants to see what Sephiroth was like before Jenova got inside his brain. And here, we have. So to end this massive Oscar speech ("you like me! You really like me!"), I would like to thank every single one of you for sticking with me and Sephiroth for so long and through so much drama, angst, and all-around nonsense. I'd also like to thank Corncob for being my very first reviewer, AmazonTurk and MysticSpiritus and teh maniac for their interest outside the confines of this fic and their friendship, as well as their continuing support in all of my fics, and those of you who sent in all those requests; they really helped kick the muses back into action when they weren't listening to me, which happened a lot more often than I would care to admit. Most of all, however, I'd like to thank Sephiroth for sharing his less-than-steller moments with me. Without him, as well as Zack and Reno and Cloud, this fic would never have come to life. And I'd like to leave you all with a little food for thought:

Drabble fics never truly end. This is technically the end of "Evidence of Sephiroth's Humanity," but that doesn't mean there won't be additional chapters in the future.

**The Results are In!:** I received votes via both review and PM, a lot more than I was expecting. I thank you, Bjanik, for suggesting this in the first place last summer. Okay, here are the results of the voting...

Best Angst/Drama chapter: Chapter 75, Deaths of a Scientist. It seems we all like to see Hojo get the reward we all know he totally deserves. My only regret was that I couldn't kill him dead-dead. I had to kill him and then resurrect him in order to keep things mostly-canon, after all. Don't worry; Seph's having a marvelous time torturing him in the Lifestream.

Best Humor: Chapters 17 and 81, Caught! and You Killed Shakespeare! I suppose the idea of Sephiroth rocking out to Def Leppard (here, Deaf Cheetah) with an air-guitar and silver hair flying, totally oblivious to the fact that he has an audience, really made you all laugh. And the idea of Cloud cross-dressing long before Wall Market, playing Juliet to Seph's Romeo, is funny no matter how you look at it. Not one of Cloud's proudest moments, in game or in fic.

Favorite Caught! Chapter: Chapter 17, Caught! It was a close match between Seph, Zack, and Cloud. But in the end the original persevered.

Favorite OC: Akalara. By a landslide. I don't know if you all were being honest or just sucking up to me, but she won by quite a few votes. Runners-up were Kandi, the puppies, and Lily. In that order.

Best Chapter Overall: Chapter 90, Whereupon the Pups Get New Pets. I knew the puppies were popular, but I truly wasn't expecting this. Still, it was a close match. Second place goes to "Sky" and "Just a Child", and third place is the last chapter, "Epilogue: Sacrifice."

Epilogue: Aftermath

He gazed over the expanse of dust and barren rock, peridot eyes lingering on the blasted skeleton of twisted metal that had once been Midgar. At first glance, one would think the city uninhabited, just inhospitable ruins. But in fact two cities had sprung up in the wake of Meteorfall: most people lived in the newer structures that made up Edge, but others had remained on or under the massive plate of Old Midgar. The plate's most populated areas had been stabilized, but it was still recommended for the populace to move to Edge instead.

The people who stayed in Old Midgar remained because of nostalgia. Either they were loathe to abandon something that had belonged to them, or they didn't want to let go of memories connected to that location.

His woman was a member of this latter group.

_Still thinking about Ak and Wutai?_ a familiar voice queried.

He bowed his head, unable to look Zack in the eye. _Aerith finally got me past that, Zack. I can remember what happened now, and what Jenova did. I'm myself again._

The black-haired SOLDIER paced over to the side of the cliff and sat on the ledge, his legs dangling over the side. He kept his back to his rusted sword, stuck hilt-up in the dirt facing the city. _That's good. I was starting to worry that you'd never stop panicking when you realized that you were in the Lifestream._

_I was thinking about Akalara, actually. _Sephiroth went to join his friend, uncaring of the dirt beneath him. He was dead; he didn't have to worry about getting dirty anymore. _Her and our son._

_I think about Kandi and Andria a lot, too_, Zack admitted. _You can't avoid it. I mean, I cared a lot about Kandi and still do. Andria's my daughter with her. We can't be there all the time, so of course we're going to wonder about them. _

_I visited them last night. Ak knows how I feel, and I know that she loves me too. _Sephiroth crossed his arms, eyes finding one apartment building near Edge with ease. _It's funny. I knew she'd given me a son back when I was fighting Jenova in the crater, but I didn't think about him until I got my head back in one piece. I felt so guilty about it last night… I gave him Masamune, to make up for it. If I can't be there for him as a father, I at least want him to have the only think I can give him. _

Zack smiled at him. _I know what you mean, Seph. I want to do so much for Andria, but I can't. _He kicked his feet, heels disappearing into the cliff-face and reappearing a second later. _I'm working on getting her a new father, though. Rude had the hots for Kandi back when we were around, and still does. I've been grooming him to actually capture her heart for the past few years. Shouldn't be too much longer before they fall completely in love rather than lust. _

_You're a far better man than I, Zack. I'll have to deal with Akalara having other men in her life, since I know how afraid she is of being alone. _Sephiroth looked down at his arms, silver hair falling to veil his expression. _I want to spend eternity making up for leaving her alone, without telling her that I loved her. _

Zack chuckled knowingly. _She has your son, Seph. In a way, you are still with her. Or at least your genetic material is. _

Sephiroth nodded. _Azrael is definitely my son, no question about it. But if I had the chance I'd go back to her, stay with her and raise our son with her. The way things should have been._

_You'd stop at just one kid? _the younger man teased, ribbing his friend.

_You know me better than that, Zack. I'd give her as many as she wanted and could safely carry. _Sephiroth looked out over Edge once more as he got to his feet, the wind failing to stir his molten hair. Insubstantial as he and Zack were, they remained untroubled by such trifles as weather. _But she'll carry another man's children now. Either Reno or Revan's, maybe even somebody else's. Azrael is the only child of mine that she will ever bear._

_I wouldn't be too sure about that, Seph, _Zack sang innocently, turning his violet gaze skyward. _A lot of things are possible in the Lifestream. You already know we can materialize, if only for a little while. We can manipulate objects and interact with the living, touch and speak with them._

_What are you implying here, Zack?_

Zack stood up and brushed off his pants, more out of habit than actual need. _Figure that one out yourself, Seph. _He scanned the distant ruins with a smile tugging at his lips. _Things have really changed since you and I kicked the bucket, haven't they? Shinra's still powerful, but it doesn't rule the world nowadays. Kids don't dream of joining SOLDIER anymore. We're fathers, albeit from beyond the grave. Our women are seeing other men. Mako isn't the main source of power anymore. People are a lot more conscientious of each other and the Planet these days. _

_The entire world hates me these days,_ Sephiroth stated flatly.

Zack's head whipped around sharply, but his hard purple gaze softened when he saw the hurt behind his friend's impassive façade, the slight tremble to his tightly-crossed arms. _There are several people who don't hate you. Ak, Kandi, Reno, Lily, Chris, Val… And if I know our girls, our kids don't hate you either. Axys definitely wouldn't, since her parents were our friends and you are her godfather. We all know you aren't some kind of monster. You're just a man who had his world knocked completely off its axis, and an evil alien bitch took advantage of your need for answers and comfort._

Tears brimmed in the peridot eyes, but Sephiroth said nothing.

_The hate will fade with time, Seph, _Zack reassured. _You know Ak and Kandi, at least, won't let the world ignore you or forget about you. And I don't mean you as a possessed guy under Jenova's total control. _He gripped his friend's arm, forcing him to listen. _They will do everything they can to separate that guy from you, the _real_ you. And when more people remember or learn about what a great guy you were, and how utterly human you could be, they'll stop hating you._

The silver-haired man exhaled slowly, looking at the ground, then raised his head until his eyes met Zack's. _You sure?_

_A hundred percent positive. _He smiled at him and gave his arm a reassuring squeeze, then released him. _Ignorance of a person's true nature leads to misunderstanding. When something bad happens that involves the person you don't understand, that same ignorance leads to hatred. But when a better knowledge of the person is there, and it becomes clear what actually happened, the hatred fades into sympathy, understanding, empathy, and eventually compassion. You weren't a monster, Seph. You were just used by a monster._

Sephiroth let out a short laugh. _When did you get so wise, Zack?_

_I've been swimming in the knowledge of the Ancients for the past three years. You can't stay in there and not pick a few things up. _He flashed him another grin. _Don't worry, though. Of the two of us, you'll always be the smart one._

_And don't you forget it, _Sephiroth commanded playfully. He turned his gaze back to Midgar and Edge, to the same apartment building as before. _I'm not letting myself be reborn yet. _

_What? _Zack looked at him, floored. Was he saying that he was going to remain in the Lifestream forever, and not allow his soul to be born again in a new body?

_I'm not going anywhere without Akalara, first of all. But more than that, I owe a debt to the Planet. For all the people I killed during Jenova's possession of me. _He swallowed, trying to explain himself. _I…also want to protect the Planet from the Lifestream, just like they're doing here. I owe it that much, after all the pain I caused it._

_But that was Jenova's fault, not yours._

Sephiroth nodded and licked his lips. _But it was my body she possessed. _

Zack stared at him for a long while, then joined him at the ledge. _If you're that certain, then I'll help you out with your debt. After all, it'll get pretty lonely in the Lifestream for you, without me and Ak around._

Sephiroth smiled; Zack was right, and Akalara would agree with him. If he wasn't moving on, then she wasn't moving on either, even if he wanted her to. Which he didn't. _C'mon. Let's get back to the Stream._

Zack nodded and clapped a hand on the taller man's shoulder, his hand making a ringing noise as it hit the metal pauldron. _It's good to have you back, Seph. _

The silver-haired man smiled and took a step back into the Lifestream, eyes glowing strongly. _It's great to be back. _


	103. Of Rattails and Men

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** I told you the epilogue wasn't the end! I think this has to be my favorite torment upon which to visit unsuspecting comrades, coworkers, and siblings... Oh, and if you don't quite know what this is, feel free to ask me.

Of Rat-tails and Men

Long fingers clenched and rolled, squeezing the terrycloth between them. Icy drops of frigid water fell to splatter in the sink, and then they were whipped into the air to soak into the tile floor, the silvery mirror, and the untucked shirt of the man responsible for their presence.

Reno's teeth flashed as he held his creation up before his eyes, gleefully appraising its tightly-rolled, dripping length. Then he was gone, with only a swinging bathroom door to mark his departure from the unoccupied throne-room.

He had a mission, and he had a goal. He had a specific target, who was even now walking the hallowed halls of Shinra, Inc. Completely, blissfully, unaware of the Turk's diabolical plans for him.

Exactly as Reno had planned.

Slinking through the halls, weapon in hand, the stealthy redhead quietly searched for his prey. Nosing around a blind corner, aqua eyes narrowed as a wicked smirk curved his lips.

Target in sight.

Totally absorbed in meaningless papers, so peaceful in his walking trance, a marble god working late into the night for the benefit of superior powers. A gloved hand departed from the gathered papers to delicately cover his gaping mouth, a yawn parting his lips wide.

Reno drew his weapon back in the ready position, one arm out to the side, holding the business end steady in the air, waiting for his target to enter his sights once more.

Ready...

Aim...

The target moved past the corner, and Reno saw a bullseye, the center directly in line with his weapon.

FIRE!!

With a pained yelp, Sephiroth dropped his papers in favor of clapping his hands over his rear, just after a loud _snap!_ echoed throughout the silent hallways. Reno couldn't help laughing at the sight, even as he raced for dear life in the opposite direction, Sephiroth in hot pursuit.

There was nothing better suited for annoying your friends than a good rat-tail attack.


	104. Damn Pigeons

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** I can remember somebody commenting on what certain things from the game might look like in real life. I'm coming up empty with new chapters right now on some of my other fics and I can't find that chapter I had started on for "Seed", not to mention waiting for the next chapter of a certain collaboration fic to be sent to me, so I thought maybe my good friend here might be able to help me out and get the muses whispering again.

Damn Pigeons...

He could feel them. He knew they were there. The little scratchy talons clawing at his shoulders and scalp, the incessant cooing as they ruffled their flea-ridden feathers, gave them away. But he couldn't get rid of them. Nothing short of an act of the Goddess would be enough to shoo them away for good.

He couldn't even look at them right now, nor bat them away. And oh, how he wanted to brush them off. He hated having small mammals crawling around on him as much as he hated having small insects crawling around on him. Especially when said small mammals were more than likely carrying fleas, ticks, and other parasites hidden in their feathers. Not to mention their habit of -

He felt yet another stream of wet warmth run down his back and into his hair.

_Disgusting_.

When he got out of this, all he wanted to do was fling them all off his body and just _scratch_. Pigeons and their filth made him itch. Just being around them made his skin crawl with revulsion. So when he could move again he was going to claw off at least one layer of skin before heading back to his clean, pigeon-less apartment and taking a long, long, _long_ hot shower. Hold his calls; he was going to be just curled up in the stall using up an entire month's worth of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash for the rest of the night.

But before he could do that, he had to wait for Zack to get back. They had somehow overlooked a crucial item when they set out for an endurance hike across the Gongaga region, and upon running into a group of gagighandi the inevitable had happened. And of course it had happened to him. Which meant that the younger, more easily-distracted SOLDIER had been left with the task of ducking into his hometown and purchasing the item in question.

He had no idea how long he had been gone. But surely he should have been back by now!

For the love of... What were those two birds _doing _on his scalp? He prayed they weren't doing what it felt like they were doing. Otherwise he'd have to chase them across the Planet until he killed them and then roast them on a spit and feed them to wolves. And he didn't want to poison the wolves with the tainted meat of evil, vile pigeons. Maybe he'd force-feed them to Hojo instead.

"There you are! Still haven't gone anywhere, huh?"

He couldn't move his mouth right now, or he'd demand to know where the hell Zack had been for the past... however long he'd been gone. He couldn't even give him that famous glare of his for leaving him in this position, at the mercy of demon-spawned pigeons.

The black-haired SOLDIER walked to where he could see him, a brown paper bag in hand. "Seph, you really should see yourself right now. You look like you belong in a city park somewhere. All that's missing is the big granite block for you to stand on and a plaque bearing your name and date of erection."

If only looks could kill. But then again, that's sort of what landed him in this mess in the first place. Not to mention that if Zack was suddenly slain by a glare of fiery doom, he would be stuck like this until somebody else came by and realized what happened. And since they were stuck in the middle of nowhere, that could take weeks, if not months! The pigeons and their bodily fluids would never leave him alone!

The younger man chuckled and dug into the bag, producing a jar labelled 'Soft'. "You were almost out of luck, Seph. I had to bribe this woman for the last jar in town. She bought it just as I walked in the door, the last one until they get a new shipment in. And believe me, you wouldn't believe what she was planning on using it for. According to her, this stuff makes the best substitute for laxatives that she's ever had."

Displaying that uncanny ability he had for reading minds, Zack stepped up and swiped at the pigeons, driving them far away from his hapless, frozen friend. "Go on, get outta here! Pick on somebody who's a _real _statue!" he called, unscrewing the lid of the jar. Purple eyes glanced from jar to general, and the SOLDIER shrugged. "I'm going to have to rub this all over you, Seph."

Eyes of doom...

"How about this, since I don't want to touch certain things any more than you want me touching them. I'll do your face and upper body, and you can do the rest yourself, okay?" He paused, waiting for an answer, then snorted when he realized that Sephiroth couldn't answer right then. "Sorry, Seph. Forgot."

Sephiroth had to remind himself that Zack had a problem focusing. He didn't mean to piss him off like that. He really didn't.

Still, he was never going to let either Zack or himself forget the Soft again. Getting caught in a stone stare spell and being frozen was not high on his list of Things to Definitely Try Again.

As the younger SOLDIER scooped out some of the thick white cream inside the jar and began applying it to his face, Sephiroth found one thing to be grateful for. At least it was Zack doing this, and not Reno.


	105. The Eternal Issue

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor:** I get inspiration from my own demented little mind, but sometimes I get them from legitimate sources, too. In this case, it's Crisis Core. Angeal made one comment I just could not ignore. You all know that I have nothing but respect and sympathy for Seph, but really I just can't help myself. I have to show his faults along with his gifts. That's the premise of the fic, after all! Oh, and to head off the writer's block I can feel approaching, if you can guess what Seph's 'nemesis' is, I'll give you a oneshot!

The Eternal Issue

Zack and Kandi exchanged looks as they entered the weight room, seeing Akalara and Sephiroth occupying one of the benches. This was not an entirely uncommon sight, given that the two of them preferred lifting weights to the more run-of-the-mill squats and push-ups, but what gave the pair pause was the fact that the green-haired trainee wasn't the one on the bench. Neither was she working out with any of the other machines. She was simply spotting Sephiroth while he bench-pressed what looked like five hundred pounds of barbell.

"No workout for you, Ak?" Kandi inquired, straddling the neighboring bench.

"I finished already. Just waiting on Seph here to finish with his." The green-haired Turk trainee pursed her lips thoughtfully. "In fact, I finished hours ago. He's been on this bench ever since."

"How many hours we talking here?"

Akalara shrugged. "Two, maybe three. I wasn't really paying attention."

Zack snagged the chest-press machine, setting his starting weight to two-fifty. "Seph, exactly how many times have you lifted that thing? I die after three reps of one hundred!"

The silver-haired man simply grunted, lifting the barbell once again.

"Haven't kept count," Akalara translated dryly, folding her arms and playing with her hair. "I wanted to leave and get something to eat, but he said he wanted to do a few more reps before we did. Like I said, that was hours ago. Every time I think he's done, he just starts lifting again."

"Looks like he doesn't even need you to spot," Kandi commented, brown eyes lingering on the straining muscles of Sephiroth's arms. "I don't think there's much chance of him dropping that thing, no matter how much weight is on it."

"He did have eight hundred on it. I asked him to take a few hundred pounds off when he started struggling a while back."

"Eight hundred? Shit!" Zack paused his own work-out to shake his head at his laboring friend and superior. "I've got a long ways to go before I catch up with you, Seph."

"Seph, it's almost nine o'clock. We've been here since five-thirty. Don't you think you've done enough for today?" Akalara asked, leaning over to look into her lover's face.

Peridot eyes opened and settled on her upside-down countenance, and after a moment their owner nodded tightly. Akalara helped him set the heavy barbell back on its hooks, and Kandi tossed him his towel as he sat up, working the kinks out of his shoulders.

"How many reps was that?" the brown-streaked woman asked, pulling a candy bar out of her discarded jacket.

"Twenty-seven," the silver-haired man replied, toweling off. "Of a hundred and fifty, each."

Kandi snickered at the dismayed groan that emanated from Zack's direction. "No wonder you're so popular. You're Superman!"

"Now, would you care to share with us why you wanted to do so many reps, Seph?" Akalara asked sweetly, offering a water bottle to her lover.

"None of your business," he replied shortly, standing up. At her hurt look, his expression softened and he hung the towel around his neck sheepishly. "I'll take you out to dinner when I get out of the showers, okay?"

"You probably need food more than I do, but sure!" Akalara blew him a kiss as he walked towards the men's locker room, then turned to her female friend. "I have no idea why he wanted to work out so badly. There's not an ounce of fat on him!"

"As I'm sure you know, better than the rest of us," Kandi teased, munching on her candy bar. "Who knows? Maybe he just wanted to push his limit or something. Stay in top form?"

"Seph does that sometimes," Zack grunted, forcing his arms together again. "He'll come in here some weekends and just work out until he's ready to drop. Nobody's quite sure why he does it, and he won't talk about it."

"Can't be to try and break the weight records. He holds all of them." Akalara plopped down on the bench beside Kandi, cranberry eyes involuntarily going to the locker room door. "Hope he finishes soon. I know I'm starving, and I can't imagine how hungry he must be after burning all those calories!"

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Sephiroth glared at his nemesis, but obligingly took one step forward and raised one hand to guide the counterbalance into place. Peridot eyes tracked the dipping and swaying of the fulcrum, and finally narrowed when it came to a stop.

A vicious curse escaped his lips and he plodded into one of the vacant shower-stalls, ripping his towel off and turning the water on with an impatient flick of his wrist. He glared down his torso as the water streamed over him, running his hand down his toned abs and occasionally pinching to see if he could catch any possible soft areas between his fingers.

He'd gained weight again.


	106. Comfort

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor: **I mentioned in another fic that Seph and Ak's relationship wasn't just about sex all the time. Sure, they had sex a lot, but that wasn't all they did. Certainly wasn't the only reason they fell for each other. I've been working on a oneshot set in the AU of this storyline, and it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't shown one aspect of their relationship beyond post-coital cuddling. So I figured 'why not?' and wrote this up. It's supposed to take place after the "Remorse" chapter, and they've only been together for about two months now.

Comfort

She became aware of a knocking at the front door, and blearily opened her eyes to glance at the clock. It was five past one, according to the DVD player. Akalara sat up and stretched, then reached out and hit the Power button on the remote; she'd fallen asleep in front of the TV again. The knocking intruded once more, and the green-haired trainee got to her feet, wondering who in Bahamut's name was outside her door this late on a Tuesday night.

Her answer came when she opened the door, revealing her silver-haired lover.

She looked at him for a moment, quizzical. To that unspoken question, he made an inquisitive gesture towards her apartment. She nodded, and stepped aside to let him in.

"What's wrong?" she asked, locking the door.

"Can I stay here tonight?" The question made her turn around and stare at him, her curiosity increasing a hundredfold. Normally, she was the one going to his apartment and staying the night in his bed. Save for weekends, he almost never came to her apartment for the night.

As she looked at him, her sleep-fogged mind became aware of a few inconsistencies. Sephiroth didn't quite look like himself. There were dark circles under his reddened, puffy eyes, and there was a haunted expression on his face that she couldn't remember him ever carrying before. It looked almost like he had been...

"Of course you can," she said softly, taking his hand and leading him to her bedroom. He listlessly disrobed while she turned down the covers, and the moment he was in the bed he reached out and wrapped her in his arms, holding her tightly against him and burying his face in her hair. Akalara held him in turn, shocked to feel him trembling.

She wanted ask him why he had been crying, why he needed to hold her like this. She wanted to know what had so upset him. But he needed comfort right now, to grieve and forget whatever had put him in this state. It amazed her that he trusted her enough to come to her like this, that he was willing to let her see him at his most vulnerable, and she found herself loathe to ask him what had happened in the face of that knowledge.

So she simply held him in her arms, silent while his tears soaked into her hair.


	107. Fruity Yule

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** I've had a request to update this story, and since I wanted to do another holiday chapter anyway, that wasn't a real problem. Having recorded the hectic decorating of Ye Olde Christmas Tree, I decided to document Seph's encounter with another necessary evil of the holidays, one that most of us simply choose to pass along to somebody else.

Fruity Yule

The arm went back, the knife gleaming menacingly, prompting the gathered comrades to wince in sympathy for the helpless victim. The arm came down, knife ready to stab through the sweet covering and reveal the succulent interior.

Predictably, the knife bent and curled in upon itself the moment it struck the victim, without so much as a nick apparent.

Sephiroth hurled the ruined knife into the corner of the living room, where it joined three others likewise damaged. "What kind of sick, twisted person thought this up?" he snarled, glaring at the untouched dessert. "That is a brick, not a dessert!"

Zack shrugged and hooked the plate with his fingers, dragging it over for closer examination. "I have no idea, Seph. Maybe a housewife who wanted to get even with a cheating husband?"

"Now why would a housewife do that?" Kandi snorted. "There are better ways to get even then breaking your spouse's teeth."

"But you have to admit that there is a certain appeal in something like that," Akalara mused.

"Just for the record, Ak, I'm never eating anything you give me again if I ever piss you off." Reno leaned forward and idly jabbed his fork at the dessert, fully aware that he wouldn't even scratch it. "Who gave you this anyway, Seph?"

"Scarlett, believe it or not. She gave one to all of the single, handsome men in the upper tiers of Shinra's management."

"Don't tell me she's making a move on you this close to Yuletide," Lily groaned, putting her hand on Akalara's under the table and giving it a sympathetic squeeze. She knew how much the green-haired trainee despised Scarlett for attempting to seduce Sephiroth last weekend, while he and Akalara were at dinner.

"She does that every year, with all of the men who meet her standards. Bakes a fruitcake and gives it to them personally. I've never taken her up on the implied offer, though." Sephiroth sat back in his chair and glared at the fruitcake. "The only reason I decided to keep the cake was because I needed something to bring to this dinner."

Reno laughed and stabbed at the glazed brick again. "Seph, this isn't something you bring to a Yuletide dinner thrown by your girl. This is something you send to somebody you secretly hate."

"Well, rest assured that I don't hate any of you, though occasionally your behavior makes me wish I could."

"That's a relief. I don't know what any of us would do if you suddenly decided you hated us," Kandi said dryly. "Now as for this fruitcake, how do we go about cutting it?"

"Masamune is out of the question. Legendary Blade of Heaven or not, there is no way it could slice through that fruitcake without some sort of permanent damage." Akalara furrowed her brow in thought, crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair to stare at the cake. "Maybe some high explosives would crack it open?"

"As amusing as that would be, I think that should be saved as the absolute last resort," Lily decided, noting the way Reno's eyes lit up at the mention of explosives. "What about a chainsaw?"

"Probably wouldn't so much as scratch it." Zack rubbed his chin in thought. "Do we even want to eat this thing? If we do manage to cut it, it'll just break our teeth."

"And Scarlett's lack of culinary skill is legendary in its own right," Reno put it. "She once mixed up powdered milk with condensed milk. That was one key lime pie even Palmer refused to eat."

"Then that leaves us without a dessert," Sephiroth retorted. "Ak spent so much time on the ham and side dishes, she didn't have time to make anything sweet!"

"Oh ye of little faith, Seph," Lily laughed. "She had some help in the kitchen yesterday, after my dress rehearsal."

"And they enlisted me to go buy a few things. Trust me, dessert's covered," Kandi said.

The men stared at the grinning ladies. "So wait. You three made us think that we had to eat this miserable excuse for a cake…on _purpose_?" Reno demanded.

"We weren't going to make or get a fruitcake, but since Seph brought one, we figured we might as well let you have it." Akalara reached out and put her hand on her lover's arm, her smile softening somewhat. "Besides, this makes it apparent that my cooking abilities far outclass Scarlett's. You'll appreciate my desserts more, now, having seen the alternative."

The silver-haired man leaned over to give her kiss. "I've always appreciated your cooking, and you know it."

"Oh, brother," Kandi groaned, rolling her eyes exaggeratedly. "Can you two lay off the sugary sweetness? I'd rather eat it than watch it!"

"I don't think they can help it, babe," Zack snickered, slinging one arm across her shoulders. "'Tis the season, after all."

"Well, at least wait until the rest of us have gone home for the night. They keep that up and I'm dragging out the sappiest Yuletide ballads I can find and hanging mistletoe over their heads."

"Already got that covered, Kandi," Sephiroth assured, pulling back from his green-haired lover. "I'm planning on teaching Ak to dance once you've left."

Reno laughed and leaned back in his chair, out of reach of Sephiroth. "I don't know who the bigger fruit is here, Seph."

"What do you mean, Reno?" Lily asked, giving her lover a curious look.

"Is it him, or the cake?"


	108. Why Me?

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do

**Queen's Quornor:** This has to have happened to him at some point. As 'big' as most fan-authors seem to think he is, I wouldn't be surprised if it had. I'm not about to let him see this chapter, though... And as you can probably surmise, there is some raunchy humor in this one. And if you really think I'm using that particular crack pairing, you haven't been paying attention to how much I respect Seph and how much I despise the other guy, have you?

Why Me?

He should have known better. The bigwigs never took breaks during the monthly meetings. He knew that, and yet he still drank all that coffee. By the time the meeting had concluded, he had practically dashed to the nearest bathroom.

The President, Heideggar, all of them, Sephiroth grimly concluded, were not human. They _couldn't _be; they drank twice as much java as he had, and none of them showed any need to relieve themselves afterward.

At least the ordeal was over. He had left Zack in charge of the morning drills, and now he was ready to return to his daily routine. It was far better to lecture cadets and punish cocky, over-eager Thirds than listen to Palmer and Scarlet argue about the budget _again_. Even a mountain of paperwork looked better by comparison.

He heard the door squeak open, and glanced up just in time to see Hojo strolling inside the bathroom. The creepy scientist gave him a toothy grin in greeting, and Sephiroth quickly turned his gaze back to the wall, thankful that this particular bathroom had partitions between the urinals. Hojo was the last person he wanted to stand beside like this.

"Too much coffee, General?" the greasy man inquired, stepping into the stall beside his and unzipping. Sephiroth cringed and averted his eyes; whoever had designed these partitions had not made them tall enough. Any man of average height could see over them if he cared to, and he was definitely taller than the average man. "That is a tactic the President is fond of utilizing, you know. He prefers to keep the monthly meetings as short as possible, and the combined effect of several pots of coffee and no bathroom breaks do yield the best results."

Sephiroth didn't answer. He was too busy focusing on getting out of here as quickly as possible. Hojo's prescence and unwelcome chatter, however, was giving him performance anxiety.

He felt the Wutaian's black eyes scrutinizing him over the partition, thankfully peering above the waist. "Have you been getting enough sleep, General? You drank far more coffee than usual today, and seemed rather glassy-eyed during the meeting. I caught you nodding off three separate times before the caffeine took effect."

"I am sleeping just fine," Sephiroth stiffly replied, fighting the urge to fidget. It was rather difficult, however, to retain his dignity under circumstances such as these.

Hojo hmphed and returned his attention to himself, much to the silver-haired man's relief. "That reminds me," he commented thoughtfully. "I need fresh blood, mako, and semen samples during your next physical. My supply seems to have run low."

Sephiroth gave him an incredulous glance. What would he be using those samples for? Wasn't he only using them to check his health and make sure his mako wasn't reaching critical levels?

Hojo made a thoughtful noise and Sephiroth heard him digging around in one of the pockets of his lab coat. "In fact, I could use a urine sample as well, General. The drug tests are scheduled for next week, after all. And if you are so inclined, you could go ahead and provide me with the semen sample at the same time..."

The silver-haired man managed to hide his disgust at the idea, and decided to agree with his performance anxiety. This had to be the most uncomfortable conversation he had ever had, especially given the setting. Honestly, why was Hojo even talking to him here? Men did not chat in the bathroom. That was exclusively female territory! "Forgive me if I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request, Professor," he said curtly, drying himself off. "I'm afraid your memory was a little slow this time."

"What a shame." Hojo shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, there is still the semen sample, if you are willing to indulge me and get on with your day. It would only take a few minutes of your time."

"No, I am _not_ willing." Sephiroth flushed and turned away from the scientist, not wanting to give him an opportunity to glance over. He tucked himself back in and reached down to grasp his zipper. "I have my duties to attend to at the moment. I am a busy man, you know."

"But if you would just cooperate, it would mean your next physical would be less stressful mentally," Hojo wheedled. "I would only need to collect the blood and mako."

"And I already told you, I have more important things to do," Sephiroth rumbled, impatiently tugging at the zipper. He froze then, biting hard on the inside of his cheek to keep from crying out in pain. Fearfully he glanced down, analyzed the situation, then tilted his head back to look at the ceiling.

Of all the times for this to happen, why now? Why? And why on a day he had chosen to go commando? What had he done to deserve this?

"Something wrong, General?" Hojo inquired innocently.

"Nothing's wrong," the silver-haired man snapped, testing the zipper and inhaling sharply. It was well and truly jammed. How was he supposed to hide this?

At a loss for anything better to do, Sephiroth quickly began fastening his coat. After hooking the fifth buckle, he stepped back out of the stall and quickly washed his hands, drying them hastily. Hojo finished his business and strolled lazily over to the sinks as the general struggled to pull his gloves over his damp hands. "Need some help?" he asked, his reedy voice bubbling with glee.

"I don't need your help." Sephiroth finally got the gloves on and glanced at himself in the mirror. Other than the fact that he had so much of his coat fastened, nothing about him looked unusual or out of the ordinary. No hints of his pale skin were visible, as far as he could tell. No more than usual, that is.

"Are you sure about that?" Hojo asked again, cackling now. "It seems to me that you have a slight problem concerning a zipper, General."

"What gave you that idea?"

"Why is your coat hooked so low?" The scientist motioned towards the buckles, his shoulders bobbing with surpressed laughter. "You normally only buckle the the one at your waist. Between the five buckled ones and your little performance in the stall a moment ago, it is easy to surmise what happened."

"I'm just cold!" Sephiroth mentally slapped himself upside the head. Hojo, more than anyone else, knew that he _never _got cold. The greasy Wutaian's toothy grin told him that the thought had been mutual.

"You know, that has happened to me a few times before." Hojo sidled up to him, close enough that Sephiroth had to remind himself of how much taller and stronger he was than the older man. "I know how to get that zipper unstuck, without further harm."

"And as payment, you would want that sample you're so hell-bent on obtaining," the silver-haired general sighed.

"I knew you were a smart boy!" Hojo slapped his back encouragingly. "Now. Do you want my help or do you want to walk around like that all day, and suffer worse pain when you try to fix it yourself?"

Sephiroth wanted to wilt. He really did. It was bad enough feeling Hojo's icy hands touching him during his weekly physicals, but to feel them _there_, of his own free will? Even if it was for a jammed zipper? But then again, the alternative wasn't much better. That short walk from the stall to the sink had been agonizing, and he couldn't imagine it getting less painful as the day went by and he had to engage in more stenuous physical activities like jumping and running. Worse, the cadets and Thirds would want to know why he had so much of his coat buckled, given how he normally wore it. When he wouldn't give them a satisfactory answer, they would gossip amongst themselves and then the secretaries would get wind of it and there would be even more rumors spreading about him and gods only knew who else...

He gritted his teeth. He was a SOLDIER First Class, the greatest there had ever been. If he could deal with zoloms, explosions, and murderous legions of enemy soldiers, he could survive letting Hojo touch him. Even if it was in that particular area. "Fine, Hojo. If you can fix this for me, I'll jerk off in a jar for you again. But you have to get out of this room while I do, understand?"

Hojo's victorious laughter grated on his nerves, but he resigned himself to following the mad scientist into one of the toilet stalls and submitting without a fuss. If it was the only way to get back to his usual boring routine without damaging the goods, he'd do it.

But if he heard _any _rumors that could be even remotely related to this, he could not be held accountable for his actions.


	109. Chatroom

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor: **It's been awhile since the muses spoke to me about my favorite crew, but now that they've offered me even a sliver of mercy I'm going to take it. I hate it when my muses take a vacation and leave me staring at an empty sheet of paper! I've mentioned in several other chapters how the SOLDIER department has its own chatroom. Well, I think it's time to take a trip into the 'anonymous' depths of off-duty rants... And what better target than the three OC ladies?

Chatroom

_JgglyBgGunz has started a new thread__  
__Untouchable has entered the chatroom  
Class3Ho has entered the chatroom  
CaptainodaGuard15 has entered the chatroom_

**JgglyBgGunz:** Has anybody heard anything about those bitches?  
**Class3Ho:** Which bitches?  
**JgglyBgGunz:** The ones currently serving beneath, above, and in front of the General, Zack, and Reno.  
**CaptainodaGuard15:** Oh, _those _women. Pretty hot, aren't they? I really think Zack's secretary has even better boobs than yours, LOL.  
**JgglyBgGunz: **You bastard! How dare you?  
**Untouchable: **Calm down, Reyna. He made a simple observation. They are rather attractive, no matter how much you hate them.  
**Class3Ho: **He's right. Don't hate on them for their looks. Hate on them for how they stole the hottest guys in Shinra right out from under our noses!  
**CaptainodaGuard15: **I don't think they really stole them. From what I hear, the guys chose them. They weren't involved in Shinra at all before, IMO.  
**JgglyBgGunz: **But the three of them haven't slept with any other women since meeting those whores.  
**Untouchable: **They haven't touched you since that pregnancy scare, anyway. And shouldn't you be more faithful to the father of your child?  
**JgglyBgGunz: **Who, Palmer? Hell no! I put that brat up for adoption, anyway. I've got better things to do than chase around after a screaming little wet-assed brat.  
**Class3Ho: **That's cold, Reyna!

_ScarredBlack has entered the chatroom_

**ScarredBlack: **She's always been cold. Nobody wants to fuck her because she's a bed-freezer, not a bedwarmer.  
**JgglyBgGunz: **You son of a bitch! Who the hell are you?  
**Untouchable: **Proabably some pathetic little emo, judging from the screen-name. How did you get in this chatroom, little man?  
**ScarredBlack: **You shouldn't read too much into a screen-name. And I've got a SOLDIER ID like everybody else here. Well, with the possible exception of one of you. Now what's this talk about the three ladies?  
**CaptainodaGuard15: **Sgt. Reyna has a problem with them hogging the goods :(  
**Class3Ho: **I think it would boost SOLDIER's morale if that green-haired bitch would let somebody else ride the General for a night or two. Didn't he use to sleep with a different woman every weekend?  
**Untouchable: **Yes. He's been cutting back on new conquests ever since she jumped in his bed. It's good for footage, though. Shots of exotic little pieces like her are worth a lot overseas.  
**CaptainodaGuard15: **o_O Changed your screen-name, I see.  
**ScarredBlack: **After that footage last month, and that tape, did you expect anything else?  
**Untouchable: **Shut up!  
**ScarredBlack:** XP  
**Class3Ho: **Can we get back on-topic, please? Back to the General. ;3  
**JgglyBgGunz: **It's not just him. Reno and Zack don't tap anything other than their secretaries either.  
**Class3Ho: **No, they sometimes swap partners. I've peeked through the windows and seen the General doing that dancer before, while Reno got a BJ from Zack's secretary across the room.  
**Untouchable: **Where's your dorm?  
**Class3Ho: **Across from his, in the next building. When he's got the curtains open I can see right into his living room. The view's very nice somedays ;3

_AmazonQueen has entered the chatroom_

**AmazonQueen: **I can only imagine how good it must look, through two windows and several feet away.  
**JgglyBgGunz: **Must be a n00b. You've seen how hot the General looks normally. Imagine that naked.  
**Class3Ho: **;3  
**AmazonQueen: **Don't have to imagine. Seen it. Touched it.  
**CaptainodaGuard15: **That's nothing special. He's tapped most of the gals in the Shinra Building.  
**JgglyBgGunz: **But he hasn't since meeting that whore!

_RedScarf33 has entered the chatroom_

**RedScarf33: **Forget that bitch. I'm madder about that dancer. She killed any chance I ever had with Reno!  
**Untouchable: **You're into that? O.o  
**AmazonQueen: **Don't knock it 'till you've tried it, man.  
**RedScarf33: **I was so close to getting him in bed...  
**JgglyBgGunz: **Join the club. We've got jackets.  
**ScarredBlack: **ROFL  
**Class3Ho: **-_- Try a different cliche, Renya.  
**AmazonQueen: **She doesn't have the brains for it.  
**JgglyBgGunz: **Fuckers! I'll find you somehow!  
**AmazonQueen: **What, your boobs have radar? Is that why they never move?

_RedHotRed has entered the chatroom_

**RedHotRed: **She's got implants.  
**JgglyBgGunz: **No I don't! These babies are all-natural!  
**RedHotRed: **Then would you care to explain this little photo? I found it in your high school yearbook archives. PROOF OF SILICONE  
**Untouchable: **Reyna, it is physically impossible for a woman to go from an A-cup to DDs in less than a year.  
**JgglyBgGunz:** Where did you get that? My school's archives all have me at this size! My breasts did not come from implants!  
**RedScarf33: **Not to mention that most high schools don't have topless yearbooks pictures.  
**AmazonQueen: **Don't the local high schools use nude models in the art classes?  
**ScarredBlack: **Not from Midgar. Didn't go to school here.  
**Class3Ho: **They do. I've modeled for them before, and at the university too.  
**AmazonQueen: **Well, let's see if the good Sarge is telling the truth here...  
**JgglyBgGunz: **They're real, I tell you! Real! You can feel them and see for yourself!  
**Untouchable: **Reyna, you're shaming yourself. Besides, most of the building has felt them as it is.  
**RedHotRed: **She has a nasty habit of doing that LOL.  
**CaptainodaGuard15: **I should go. I've got to patrol Sector 5 soon.  
**Class3Ho: **Ttyl, handsome?  
**CaptainodaGuard15: **In private, def.

_CaptainodaGuard15 has signed off_

**AmazonQueen: **Well, well, well. It looks like Sgt. Reyna was short a bit of gil back in school.  
**ScarredBlack: **WDYM?  
**AmazonQueen: **Take a look at these. Class Pic and Kleenex!  
**RedScarf33: **You stuffed, Sergeant?  
**JgglyBgGunz: **These have to be doctored! I didn't stuff!  
**AmazonQueen: **You can clearly see the tissue coming out the top in that pic. Looks like you were an A-cup who stuffed her bra to look like a DD until you could afford implants.

_JgglyBgGunz has left the chatroom_

**AmazonQueen: **What a wuss.  
**Untouchable: **She just validated everything she's been accused of.  
**RedHotRed:** Did you doctor those photos? I didn't see them when I went snooping.  
**AmazonQueen: **You know me better than that, Red.  
**ScarredBlack: **I swear, your brains really are the sexiest thing about you.  
**RedScarf33: **Unless she's actually a 'he', there's not much sexy about her.  
**Class3Ho: **???? I'm still not sure who she is.  
**RedHotRed: **Doesn't matter.  
**AmazonQueen: **Coming from a Turk, that's a laughable statement.

_BitchGoddess has entered the chatroom  
__CabaretStyle1 has entered the chatroom_

**BitchGoddess: **Or a scary one.  
**Untouchable: **Too true.  
**CabaretStyle1: **I second that.  
**ScarredBlack: **I take it you've been on their bad side before?  
**Untouchable: **Only a few times. Reno esp. has an issue with me, though I don't know why.  
**Class3Ho: **He doesn't hate people without a reason.  
**BitchGoddess: **From a certain POV, sometimes he does. But this enmity is justified.  
**RedScarf33: **Who uses that word anymore?  
**AmazonQueen: **People with brains.  
**ScarredBlack: **People with honor.  
**RedHotRed: **People who read.  
**CabaretStyle1:** Haven't you heard it before?  
**RedScarf33: **Not lately, no.  
**BitchGoddess: **So anyway, what was Reyna talking about?  
**Class3Ho: **She hates the three luckiest women in the company.  
**BitchGoddess: **You mean Akalara, Kandi, and Lily?  
**Untouchable: **Yes. The stripper, the whore, and the concubine.  
**RedHotRed: **X(((((((  
**RedScarf33: **You don't like the nicknames? I think they're appropriate, esp. for Reno's girl.  
**AmazonQueen: **No.  
**BitchGoddess: **No!  
**ScarredBlack: **Hell no.  
**CabaretStyle1: **No way.  
**RedHotRed: **I doubt the General would appreciate them, either.  
**Untouchable: **I know he wouldn't. He also wouldn't appreciate my latest piece of footage.  
**ScarredBlack: **Footage?  
**Untouchable: **I make a tidy profit on certain sites. I got some nice footage from the General's apartment last weekend, when he and his bitch had Colonel Fair and his whore over for some fun.  
**AmazonQueen: **Can we see?  
**Untouchable: **Since you're my friends.... Sephiroth's 4some Fun  
**RedScarf33: **I'd be willing to watch only if the two guys got into it ;).  
**Untouchable: **Sorry to disappoint. But they all get threesome and solo action a few times. It gets really sultry towards the middle. I got a lot of money shots this time.  
**Class3Ho: **Sweet!

_CatsEyes has entered the chatroom_

**CatsEyes: **How did you get this?  
**Untouchable: **Professional secret. But you can enjoy the fruits of my labors.  
**BitchGoddess: **How do you know that Sephiroth isn't aware of this? I'm sure that he's heard of your last video post.  
**Untouchable: **I'm not afraid of him. My money and status are so much greater than his, and I have someone capable of holding his leash.  
**CatsEyes: **You should be afraid: You know who he is, what he can do. If Sephiroth finds out that you are doing this again...  
**Untouchable: **Look at my screen-name. He can't lay a finger on me.  
**ScarredBlack: **You don't have to touch somebody to ruin them.  
**Class3Ho: **Hey! What happened to the file?  
**RedHotRed: **O_o What?  
**AmazonQueen: **It's not playing :'(  
**Untouchable: **That's impossible. I'll just reload it. Fun 4 Four  
**CatsEyes: **No dice. The file seems to be broken.  
**AmazonQueen:** Or maybe somebody erased it.  
**Untouchable: **I can't find it!  
**BitchGoddess: **Well, damn.  
**RedScarf33: **Have you got any of Reno?  
**CabaretStyle1: **Or of his secretary?  
**Untouchable: **No. His apartment's too risky to try taping.  
**ScarredBlack: **O.o But the General's isn't?  
**Class3Ho: **How did you get that camera into his place, anyway? I thought that tiger of his would have fried you.  
**RedScarf33: **Maybe he had it with him that day.  
**Untouchable: **Like I said, professional secret XD  
**CabaretStyle1: **So you sell these to porn sites?  
**Untouchable: **Of course. I get a tidy paycheck every time I upload one of these, and even more when people download them. I used the last profit to buy my Corvette, as a matter of fact.  
**AmazonQueen: **Can you tell us which sites you upload to? I want to see more of these.  
**CatsEyes: **Same here.  
**RedHotRed: **I want to download them onto my computer.  
**BitchGoddess: **You do?  
**RedHotRed: **Hard footage can do more for some people than imagination, babe ;-)  
**Class3Ho: **I totally agree ;3  
**CabaretStyle1: **So what's the site?  
**RedScarf33: **If this is going to center on the General and his stripper, I'm leaving.  
**Untouchable: **ttyl, man?  
**RedScarf33: **Depends on whether I survive sewer patrol or not.  
**Class3Ho: **Poor baby T_T  
**RedHotRed: **Eh, there's plenty more where he came from.  
**CabaretStyle1: **Don't be so mean, Red.  
**RedScarf33: **Bye, all.

_RedScarf33 has signed off_

**CatsEyes: **Now, about those sites...  
**Untouchable: **Well, I sell my best footage to this one. Sexy Soldiers Live!  
**AmazonQueen: **I've been there, but I've never seen any footage of the General or Colonel Fair.  
**ScarredBlack: **Did you look in the 'Moresome' section?  
**AmazonQueen: **-_-  
**CatsEyes: **How many films have you made?  
**Untouchable: **One is going to be made into a dvd in a few months. It'll be called '100 Nights of Silver.'  
**BitchGoddess: **O.O You have 100 nights' worth of footage?!  
**RedHotRed: **Shiva's tits, how did you get it all without the General finding out?  
**ScarredBlack: **Or the colonel, for that matter?  
**Untouchable: **I'm not going to tell you, so quit asking. Anyway, it's only about two weeks' worth of film. Not much of a story, but it'll still sell XD  
**CabaretStyle1: **That's obvious. How many fangirls does the General have, anyway?  
**Class3Ho: **It won't just be the ladies buying a disc like that :P  
**RedHotRed: **Not by a long shot.  
**CatsEyes: **I'd really rather not think about that.  
**ScarredBlack: **Me neither.  
**AmazonQueen: **Eh, I think I'll pass.  
**BitchGoddess: **You're passing on porn?  
**AmazonQueen: **Why pay for what I can get for free?  
**Class3Ho: **She's got a point... But the General has stopped sharing the glory since meeting his toy T_T  
**CatsEyes: **Maybe he just got tired of putting a new notch in the bedpost every other night.  
**ScarredBlack: **Akalara's not so bad, once you get to know her. And the General really seems happy with her.  
**Untouchable: **I know. I get some really nice tender love scenes from them :)  
**AmazonQueen: **Any other sites you ship to?  
**Untouchable: **Plenty. I'll post the links later.  
**RedHotRed: **T_T Why not now?  
**Untouchable: **Because I need to get to my camera. The General and his stripper should be getting back from work any time now, and I want to make sure my recording equipment is working.

_Untouchable has signed off_

**Class3Ho: **So what do you guys think? Steamy love scenes or hot passionate sex?  
**ScarredBlack: **O.o Why do you want to ask?  
**Class3Ho: **Because this stuff is just too good to keep to ourselves!  
**BitchGoddess: **You're going to post them all here???  
**CatsEyes: **Where anybody can see them???  
**CabaretStyle1: **That's probably not a very good idea, IMO.  
**Class3Ho: **Why not? This is really good footage! And there aren't many women in SOLDIER who haven't see what the General has to offer by now.  
**CatsEyes: **Shouldn't you show some respect for your CO?  
**AmazonQueen: **I doubt respect has much to do with this.  
**RedHotRed: **I think that's a given.  
**BitchGoddess: **Still, you probably shouldn't post it. What'll you do if Sephiroth finds out?  
**Class3Ho: **Play dumb, of course. He doesn't know who I am. And he never gets on the chatroom anyway :P  
**ScarredBlack: **I wouldn't be too sure of that...  
**CabaretStyle1: **He does have a computer. He probably uses it for more than just work.  
**AmazonQueen: **Knowing him, that probably doesn't include online porn.  
**CatsEyes: **How would you know? Have you logged into his computer?  
**AmazonQueen: **I have my ways. ;-)  
**Class3Ho: **I think I'll post these later. I have a lunch-date with Heideggar :'(((  
**RedHotRed: **Lucky you ROFLMFAS!  
**CabaretStyle1: **What did you do to get his attention?  
**Class3Ho: **DK. But I'm sceered!  
**BitchGoddess: **You're not afraid of Sephiroth's wrath if he finds out about you posting porn here, but you're afraid of Heideggar and his thousand hands?  
**Class3Ho: **Any woman would be. XOXO

_Class3Ho has signed off_

**AmazonQueen: **Well, now it's just us. So spill about these 'thousand hands'.  
**RedHotRed: **She doesn't need to. Heideggar's known for being 'friendly' with the ladies X-(P  
**CatsEyes: **I thought I warned you about him.  
**BitchGoddess: **He surprised me on my way to the gym one day. But the Prez distracted him, so I got away.  
**CabaretStyle1: **He didn't do anything to you, did he?  
**BitchGoddess: **No, thankfully. Not enough time and I was struggling too much.  
**ScarredBlack: **Pompous bastard thinks he can get away with anything.  
**CatsEyes: **Perhaps it's time I did something about his womanizing tendencies...  
**BitchGoddess: **Don't worry about it. This was back when I was still getting used to Shinra.  
**RedHotRed: **He hasn't tried anything since then?  
**ScarredBlack: **He probably knows better than to mess with Verdot's people.  
**AmazonQueen: **Yet he fools around with Lazard's?  
**CabaretStyle1: **It doesn't have to make sense, you know.  
**ScarredBlack: **Isn't he supposed to be in charge of the Turks now?  
**RedHotRed: **The Prez said he's supposed to be, but he's an idiot. After Verdot is finished with him, ol' Horse-laugh will slink back off to his little office with his tail between his legs XD  
**CatsEyes: **Still, I should have a chat with him. Remind him of who he'll be dealing with if he touches one of you.  
**BitchGoddess: **Seriously, just let it go!  
**AmazonQueen: **You act like we can't look after ourselves -_-  
**CabaretStyle1: **If he hasn't tried anything by now, I'm sure he knows who we're all seeing. Keeps us safe.  
**ScarredBlack: **She's got a point, man.  
**RedHotRed: **Anyway, we got more important things to worry about. Any idea how that asshole got back onto the boards?  
**AmazonQueen: **He hacked in and reopened his account.  
**BitchGoddess: **Anything you can do about this? I don't want any more gil waved in my face after-hours for my 'services'.  
**CatsEyes: **Can you give me faces or names?  
**BitchGoddess: **Promise not to hurt them too much and I will.  
**ScarredBlack: **Someone's getting possessive...  
**CabaretStyle1: **I think it's sweet!  
**RedHotRed: **Any plans for the girls who have been putting the moves on him?  
**BitchGoddess: **Already taken care of.  
**ScarredBlack: **O.o  
**AmazonQueen: **Care to explain?  
**CatsEyes: **I think I'll keep that a secret.  
**BitchGoddess: **Let's just say that a few bitches are going to be out sick this next week.  
**CabaretStyle1: **Why?  
**BitchGoddess: **That's classified.  
**RedHotRed: **LMAO  
**AmazonQueen: **So what do you think is a fitting punishment for Mr. 'Untouchable'?  
**CatsEyes: **Whatever you see fit. Just destroy the files first.  
**RedHotRed: **WaS. Any chance you could save those to your own PC?  
**AmazonQueen: **Yes... But why do you ask?  
**CatsEyes: **If you request what I think you're going to request, don't be surprised if all your porn files are suddenly corrupted.  
**CabaretStyle1: **I didn't know you were into hacking.  
**CatsEyes: **I'm not. I'll get Kandi to do it for me.  
**RedHotRed: **Oh, she won't turn on her good buddy like that.  
**AmazonQueen: **Maybe she will, maybe she won't. Depends on who gives her the better deal LOL  
**BitchGoddess: **I love how mercenary you sound!  
**RedHotRed: **Traitor!  
**AmazonQueen: **I'll copy the files to my PC. But I don't know if I'll keep them. Depends on how good they are.  
**BitchGoddess: **o.O Are you implying that he's not amazing every time?  
**CatsEyes: **Considering how many times you've evaluated the matter...  
**AmazonQueen: **I wasn't talking about performance! I was talking about how blurry or clear they are!  
**ScarredBlack: **That's good. Thought you'd lost your mind there for a second.  
**AmazonQueen: **O.O  
**BitchGoddess: **Wait... What?  
**CabaretStyle1: **Are you implying that you and Seph...  
**RedHotRed: **And you two didn't tell me about this?!  
**CatsEyes: **What are you talking about? This is news to me!  
**ScarredBlack: **THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**CatsEyes: **I'd certainly hope it wasn't!  
**AmazonQueen: **It came out that way, though lol.  
**ScarredBlack: **You know I don't swing that way!  
**BitchGoddess: **Neither does he. Care to explain what you meant?  
**ScarredBlack: **I meant it's totally not like her to forget how good sex is!  
**CatsEyes: **Well, that's a relief.  
**RedHotRed: **Damn**. **I was hoping I'd convinced him to straddle the fence.  
**CabaretStyle1: **I doubt that's going to happen anytime soon.  
**ScarredBlack: **Damn right it isn't!  
**CatsEyes: **Get back on topic. What are you going to do with his computer?  
**AmazonQueen: **I think a couple of custom-made viruses should do it. I'll also hack into his Web browser's history and take down all the footage he's posted of you two. I don't think any of us want a sex-tape scandel.  
**BitchGoddess: **Got that right.  
**CatsEyes: **Agreed.  
**RedHotRed: **He has enough of a problem with the paparazzi as it is.  
**ScarredBlack: **Don't you mean the 'stalkarazzi'?  
**CabaretStyle1: **I think that fits them better. He can't go out in public without getting mobbed.  
**BitchGoddess: **And yet he refuses to cover up his good looks and go incognito -_-  
**AmazonQueen: **I don't blame him. And it'd be useless to try. He's too perfect to pass off as a Joe Schmo.  
**CatsEyes: **It's a mixed blessing.  
**ScarredBlack: **True. We made the mistake of going out on the town once when his fan clubs were throwing a fundraiser. I had nightmares for weeks.  
**BitchGoddess: **Stupid fangirls...  
**CatsEyes: **Just wait until you get a fan club, Zack. You'll experience the horror in its full measure.  
**CabaretStyle1: **He does have one. It just doesn't have that many members yet.  
**ScarredBlack: **How do you know that?  
**CabaretStyle1: **I'm friends with the founder, that girl at the front desk. She's been trying to get me to join.  
**ScarredBlack: **And why haven't you?  
**AmazonQueen: **Don't you love him? Poor Zacky...  
**CabaretSyle1: **I've got better things to do than receive mail from lust-crazed fangirls, that's why. Why would I want to be told stuff on the low that I already know from hanging out with him?  
**RedHotRed: **Why is it that you two have fan clubs and I don't? Turks are cool!  
**BitchGoddess: **They're also supposed to be a secret compared to SOLDIER.  
**CatsEyes: **It's a rather open secret, from what I can tell.  
**AmazonQueen: **True. To answer your question, Red, I think most civvies are too afraid of you to idolize you.  
**RedHotRed: **Yet amazingly they're not afraid of Seph, a man a thousand times more capable of ripping them limb from limb than I am.  
**BitchGoddess: **I think it's their fear of him that makes them adore him. They know he'll protect them.  
**CatsEyes: **It also doesn't hurt that their hero is so uniquely handsome.  
**ScarredBlack: **You've never complained about that before o.O  
**CatsEyes: **It gets tiresome. Sometimes I just want to be somebody else, somebody normal.  
**AmazonQueen: **There's no such thing as 'normal'. Take a look at me!  
**BitchGoddess: **Or me.  
**ScarredBlack: **Hell, any of us!  
**CabaretStyle1: **I'm the most normal of us all, and even I'm not exactly normal.  
**CatsEyes: **But how many of you get mobbed by the stalkarazzi or chased by fangirls every time you set foot outside?  
**RedHotRed: **I'd trade you if I could, man.  
**AmazonQueen: **-_- Of course you would.  
**ScarredBlack: **Maybe all they need is a new hero to worship.  
**CatsEyes: **And you're volunteering?  
**ScarredBlack: **If opportunity arises, yeah.  
**AmazonQueen: **The whole reason for your existence...  
**CabaretStyle1: **I'm sure there's more to him than that.  
**RedHotRed: **There is. He's also a ladies' man and funny guy.  
**BitchGoddess: **Yeah, and that's pretty much all anybody ever notices about him, apart from his absent-minded nature.  
**CabaretStyle1: **Have you ever considered taking pills or something for that?  
**CatsEyes: **He doesn't need pills. All he needs is to focus.  
**ScarredBlack:** I'm getting better about it.  
**AmazonQueen: **Does that mean I don't have to remind you that you have a mission in about ten minutes?  
**ScarredBlack: **See you later!!!

_ScarredBlack has signed off_

**AmazonQueen: **Yep. Totally forgot LOL.  
**RedHotRed: **Hey, it happens to the best of us. Remember how you forgot we were meeting at Zack's place last Friday, Seph?  
**CatsEyes: **Mention it again and I'll fillet those tattoos off your face, Reno.  
**CabaretStyle1:** Still, it was funny how we had to call you before you remembered.  
**BitchGoddess: **Well, we do normally do our drinking at his apartment, so I can see how he forgot.  
**AmazonQueen:** Even perfect memories have been known to slip.  
**CatsEyes: **A perfect memory would indicate exact memorization of every little event within one's life, from birth to the present, and the ability to recall each event with perfect clarity at a moment's notice. There is not a single living person who possesses such an ability, including myself.  
**RedHotRed: **O.O Whoa. Did you just admit that you're _not _perfect?  
**CatsEyes: **When did I say I was?  
**BitchGoddess: **Nobody's perfect, Red. He's just the living, breathing definition of 'perfection' to most of the world's population, that's all.  
**CabaretStyle1: **Which leads us right back to the paparazzi and fan clubs.  
**AmazonQueen: **-_-  
**BitchGoddess: **Grrrrrrr....  
**CatsEyes: **Let's not go there again...  
**RedHotRed:** I still say I'd trade you. Turks don't exactly get that much time in the spotlight.  
**BitchGoddess: **We aren't _supposed _to. We're the people who get called in for the under-wraps stuff, remember?  
**RedHotRed: **You ain't a Turk yet, Ak. And how is wiping out an entire garrison of Wutai troops more glorious and important than, say, killing off a bunch of crazed fuckers intent on destroying a reactor in the middle of the slums?  
**CatsEyes: **Because we're military. You're assassins.  
**RedHotRed:** And bodyguards. And black ops agents. And spies. _And _SOLDIER recruiters.  
**AmazonQueen: **Oh, lay off, Reno. SOLDIER gets in the news more because the Prez prefers Seph as 'the face of recruitment' instead of Verdot.  
**CabaretStyle1: **And it's such a nice face...  
**BitchGoddess: **You have to admit, Verdot's pretty scary.  
**RedHotRed:** Ok, I'll give you that one.  
**CatsEyes: **Speaking of recruitment, I have an appointment at the photographer's again tonight.  
**AmazonQueen: **The Prez wants more kids to join, I take it?  
**CatsEyes: **I just hope he doesn't decide on another shirtless recruitment poster. I feel uncomfortable enough without him leering at me while I'm heroically posing.  
**RedHotRed: **....dude. That's fucked up.  
**BitchGoddess: **I don't really want to think about that. Just ate and all that.  
**CabaretStyle1: **He stays in the room while they're taking the pictures?  
**CatsEyes: **Unfortunately.  
**AmazonQueen: **He's a voyeur extraordinare. I saw him more than enough at the Honeybee, watching as often as participating X-(P  
**CatsEyes: **I wish I could get out of this... But...  
**BitchGoddess: **Just think of something else while they're snapping away, okay?  
**AmazonQueen: **Yeah, like last Saturday night ;-)  
**CabaretStyle1: **Maybe he should think of something less sexy. If he thinks of that, the President's probably going to be even _more _interested.  
**RedHotRed: **ROFL  
**CatsEyes: **Thank you...so much...

_CatsEyes has signed off_

**BitchGoddess: **I should go to the firing range. I want to work on my aim.  
**RedHotRed: **But you've been getting perfect scores on the range.  
**BitchGoddess: **Yeah, and one of the other trainees has been watching me in the gym. He's usually at the range right now.  
**AmazonQueen: **Planning on scaring him off with a perfect score?  
**BitchGoddess: **Of crotch-shots, yes.  
**CabaretStyle1: **I thought the silhouettes only went down to waist-level?  
**RedHotRed: **That's on the regular range. The advanced course has full-size targets.  
**AmazonQueen: **It'd be scarier to get perfect crotch-shots on the regular targets, ROLF.  
**BitchGoddess: **Planning on doing both the range and the course ;)  
**RedHotRed: **It's nice to see that you're perfectly capable of taking care of your own problems, Ak.  
**AmazonQueen: **She's a street-kid. 'Nuff said.  
**CabaretStyle1: **Maybe you should teach me how to shoot...  
**RedHotRed: **You don't need to know that, Lily. I'd prefer to do the shooting for you.  
**AmazonQueen: **Or do you mean _on _her?  
**CabaretStyle1: **And I always think _he's_ the perverted one...  
**AmazonQueen: **XD  
**BitchGoddess: **See you guys later, okay?  
**CabaretStyle1: **Bye, Ak!  
**AmazonQueen: **Knock 'em sterile!  
**BitchGoddess: **o.O I'm going to ignore that one.

_BitchGoddess has signed off_

**RedHotRed: **I think I'll mosey on down to the firing range, too. I wanna see which guy she's talking about.  
**CabaretStyle1: **I should go, too. I've got practice with the Desert Roses. Amar and Jillena have a new routine they want to perform next month.  
**AmazonQueen: **I'll have those viruses up and running by the end of the night.  
**RedHotRed: **And all the files copied?  
**AmazonQueen: **How much will you pay me?  
**RedHotRed: **:( You won't do it out of the goodness of your heart?  
**CabaretStyle1: **Wrong woman, Reno.  
**AmazonQueen: **Listen to your secretary, Reno. She is wise in the ways of the bitchy.  
**CabaretStyle1: **One learns much, living in a harem.  
**RedHotRed: **So I've learned.  
**AmazonQueen: **Later, guys! Footage to steal and destroy!  
**RedHotRed: **Trainees to watch!  
**CabaretStyle1: **Dances to learn!

_AmazonQueen has signed off  
__CabaretStyle1 has signed off  
__RedHotRed has signed off  
__Thread has been ended_


	110. Earring

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor:** I think I have a lot of work to do. When I went back through some of my stories, I noticed that a lot of my chapter dividers had inexplicably vanished, rendering carefully separated sections into a garbled mess. I need to go back in and repost a hell of a lot of chapters and oneshots. All this IN ADDITION to finals. _Le sigh...._ 'Tis the season, I suppose...

Earring

"Hey Seph? Would you mind doing me a favor?"

The song-like lilt to Zack's voice immediately raised a red flag in Sephiroth's mind. He looked up from his paperwork to level an even gaze at the upper portion of his best friend, which leaned inside his office with a suspicious gleam in the violet eyes. "Tell me what you want, and I'll tell you if I mind or not."

Zack swung fully inside the door and approached the older man, carefully avoiding the striped tail lashing about on the carpet. Masai was dreaming again. "Would you get an earring with me?"

Cool peridot eyes held his gaze for a moment before returning to the sheets piled atop the desk. "No."

"C'mon, Seph! Earrings look awesome on guys like us! The ladies think they're hot!"

"Neither of us have any need of a metal stake impaled in our earlobes. We attract women just fine without them." He signed his name and put the sheet in the OUt tray. Zack watched him for a bit, and Sephiroth ignored him.

"I really didn't want to do this, Seph, but you owe me a favor for three weeks ago. Remember?"

The pen froze. Sephiroth slowly lifted his head, peridot eyes hard. "That does not constitute a favor, Zackary."

"Playing bodyguard on a high school campus instead of hunting for materia counts as one. If you need further reason to call it a favor, what about my helping you hide that bald spot afterward?" The younger SOLDIER's eyes bored into his, and Sephiroth had to admit that he was right. He had been forced by Lazard to give a speech at the high school beneath the Plate in Sector 3, and fearing the masses of hormone-crazed adolescents he would be addressing, the silver-haired man had asked Zack to accompany him. It was only through his efforts that Sephiroth had arrived, delivered his speech, and departed with a minimum of pawing.

But not without injury. Sephiroth's hand went to the back of his head, calling to mind a jubilant girl with his face adorning her cotton-covered torso. The girl had snuck up behind him during the mandatory autograph session and disappeared with a chunk of his hair while he clutched at the painful patch of newly-bald scalp. Nobody could see the spot, but he could not forget it was there. Zack had been able to cover it up with a borrowed hairbrush on their way back to headquarters, something Sephiroth had been incapable of doing at that point in time.

The younger man brightened when his friend and commander stood up. "I won't get an earring," Sephiroth clarified. "But I'll go with you."

"You're the greatest, Seph!" Zack praised, leading his long-suffering friend out the door.

* * *

Sephiroth flipped through a collection of the more exotic piercings available at the parlor, trying to keep his eyes from popping out of their sockets. Why would people subject themselves to just torturous procedures? Earrings he could understand, but most of these were beyond his ken.

He turned a page, then quickly shut the catalogue. If he ever met a woman with that many rings below her waistline, he would probably loose his lunch then and there.

Putting the volume down, the silver-haired man looked at the curtain separating him from his best friend. Zack would be getting his earring any minute now. Sephiroth did not understand the appeal of the jewelry. He knew it was supposed to convey an image of superior virility, of "badassery," but it seemed a useless item on the whole, when applied to men. He was a prime example of masculinity without a little metal stud. Was Zack trying to prove something with this willing impalement?

His unadorned ears pricked at the muffled yelp that emanated from behind the curtain.

A few minutes later the younger man appeared, idly twisting at his earlobe. Sephiroth stood and crossed his arms as he approached. "So what do you think?"

The silver-haired man took in the gleaming silver ball transfixing his friend's left ear, the tiny chip of ameythyst a perfect match to his glowing eyes. "It looks good," he allowed.

Zack smiled wide and led him out of the parlor. "Thanks, man. I wasn't sure you'd like it or not."

"Why should my opinion matter? It's your impalement, not mine," Sephiroth asked casually, slipping his right hand inside his pocket.

"Because you're my friend and I like knowing that I haven't made some horrible mistake."

The silver-haired man chuckled and tossed something at Zack. The younger SOLDIER fumbled with it, noting that it was a small, hinged box.

"I may not agree with you, but that doesn't mean I won't support you in your decision," he remarked as Zack opened the box. The younger man looked up from the diamond stud with a grateful smile.

"You really are the greatest, Seph."

"And I don't even have a piercing."


	111. Poor Bladework

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor:** I have been working on another drabble fic for the Dissidia section, but as usual the muses connected to this piece never quite shut up. I need to update some of my older fics, especially "Seed" and WMHB... Why must my muses be so finicky?!

Poor Bladework

Zack was not entirely pleased with their arrangements this time. Their mission had dropped them near Mideel for the next few days, until they rooted out and killed some ravenous local menace. Since it was so close to town, he and the other three SOLDIERs assigned to the task had decided to stay at the inn rather than out in the field. The trouble was that there were only two available rooms, and an adjoining bathroom. He and Sephiroth had claimed the room with two beds as their own, leaving the Seconds with the double.

Zack was used to sharing quarters with Sephiroth, as previous missions had seen them crammed into tiny two-man tents and, one one occasion, sleeping in a single bed in the honeymoon suite of Icesicle Inn. This, however, was the first time the friends had ever shared a bathroom at the same time.

Zack was ignoring his silver-haired friend while he showered, already dreading the rumors they might hear upon their return. Sephiroth had showered last night, but he had decided to postpone shaving due to the time it took to comb out his wet mane. Now he was tending to his five o'clock shadow while Zack sequestered himself in the stall. The two Seconds had already been informed that any misinterpretation of this event on their part would result in a mandatory appointment with Hojo in the VR Training Room.

Zack squeezed some shampoo into his hair and started working it in, listening to the steady scrape of Sephiroth's razor. Most of the world seemed to be under the impression that the most recognizable man alive did not get facial hair. The fact was that he _did_, and while it was the same silver-white color as his iconic tresses, it made him look utterly ridiculous. On one two week mission in the Grasslands, Sephiroth had grown a near-beard so bristly that the President had added a clause to his public appearance contract: he had to remain clean-shaven, even if he was on a mission. Some people looked good with facial hair. Sephiroth was not one of them.

As he began rinsing out his hair, the younger man heard Sephiroth hiss. A second later, there was a muffled tearing sound. Zack grinned.

"You know, sugar works better than toilet paper."

"Come again?"

"Sugar is better for razor cuts, since the slice is so clean. Gives the platelets something to grab onto while the wound heals and stops the bleeding real quick." Zack couldn't keep the smug tone out of his voice. His early experiences with the razor must have cost his mother at least two cups of the sweet stuff.

"And where am I supposed to get sugar?" came the dry query.

He felt his lips quirk again and continued to rinse his hair. "I've got some in my bag. I always bring some for a quick energy boost. You're welcome to use some."

"Thank you." The door to their room opened and Zack heard his bag being unzipped over the water. Sephiroth returned in short order and opened the zipshut bag before resuming his shave.

Blowing some water out of his mouth, the younger man turned the faucet back to the Off position and reached for the towel he had thrown over the curtain rod earlier. As he began to wrap the off-white terrycloth around his hips, Zack heard Sephiroth hiss again.

He poked his head out from behind the plastic curtain. The older man, similarly clad in a towel and with half his face coated by shaving cream, had his free hand pressed to his right cheek while he put his razor down.

"Not very good with a razor-blade, Seph?"

"Shut up." Sephiroth's peridot eyes met his in the mirror. "I have tender skin. You know how easily I bruise."

"I've never heard of someone with a fair complexion getting cut so easily." Zack stepped out of the shower, grabbing another towel to scrub at his hair.

"Well, now you have." The silver-haired man dried his fingers and took a pinch of sugar from the bag next to the soap dish. As he began to apply it to the profusely bleeding cut on his cheek, Zack began to snicker. Sephiroth flicked an irritated glance at his reflection. "By all means, Zackary, share the reason for your mirth."

The younger SOLDIER began edging out of the bathroom, his snicker having grown into full-out laughter. "You're untouchable in a fight!"

Sephiroth waited for a moment, then gestured brusquely at his second. "Go on, drop the other shoe."

"The only one who can hurt you, is you!" Zack laughed.

The silver-haired man picked up his razor again. "If I hear one crack about my ability to wield a seven-foot katana versus my inability to manipulate a blade only two inches long, _you'll _be the one in need of the sugar," he told his friend, pointing the razor in his direction.

"I wasn't going there in the first place." Safely removed in the bedroom, Zack began rooting though his bag in search of his hair gel. In spite of the time it took to fix his hair, it was definitely preferable to the limp emo-kid style it resembled otherwise. "We're supposed to be out the door at seven, right?"

"Yes. The Seconds will be meeting us outside at eight o'clock sharp." The thick rasp commenced anew, and Zack grabbed his uniform off his bed. "The sugar melts, right?"

"Don't worry. You won't have any sparkly cuts to dazzle the Seconds," Zack assured, pulling his sweater over his head.

Sephiroth hissed again.


	112. Touch

**Summary: **Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

**Disclaimer: **Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

**Queen's Quornor:** It has been a long time since I've updated this, I know. However, I had this idea after watching a couple of the Crisis Core cutscenes and noticing how everybody seems so hands-off regarding Seph. He's nice and reaches out and has friends, so why the no-touchy? That got me thinking, and finally this was created.

Touch

Friday night was not exactly a happening time in the cadet barracks. Being driven into the ground by screaming drill sergeants with copious amounts of spittle six days a week, the greater majority of Shinra's cadets often took the opportunity to flee on the eve of their one day off. Bars, clubs, and cheap restaraunts were filled to capacity, and Midgar's citizens kept off the streets for fear of becoming a casualty in a spontaneous street-race. The following morning would reveal the wreckage of the night's festivities: furtive walks of shame, the happy hour leftovers wallowing on the streets, the champion drinkers piteously kneeling before their porcelain god in miserable supplication. In short, the cadets would be rewarding themselves in the fashion they felt they deserved.

A few of their number did not partake of the weekly rituals, and often received some ribbing about it from their collegues. But there was one cadet whom nobody teased about staying in on Friday nights, mostly because they were afraid of him.

Tareyna Anderson was the only cadet who dared intrude upon his domain. The gregarious redhead hated to see people left out of anything, and to her Sephiroth was no exception. He always refused her invitations to go clubbing, but she wasn't giving up. She had noticed that he always kept to himself at meals, and only interacted with the rest of the squad when necessary. He scarcely spoke with anybody. The others had learned to give him a wide berth without him ever saying a word.

So of course, Tareyna had decided to try and draw him out of his shell.

She ignored the appraising whistles as she strode down the hall to Sephiroth's quarters (as squad captain, he had been assigned a private dorm). This had become a ritual for her: she asked him to come dancing with her and the girls, he said no, she left and spent the night partying and wondering why he was so antisocial. For a couple of weeks, some of their squad-mates had started a betting-pool on what reaction she would receive from the silver-haired man, but wound up folding because it was so predictable. Tareyna remained as curous as ever about him, but every polite rejection left her feeling a bit more subdued every time she walked away.

Adjusting her miniskirt, the redhead stopped before his door. After composing herself, she raised one hand and firmly rapped on the metal panel.

The door slid open a moment later, affording her a look into his quarters, which were as spartan as the room she shared with three other people. Sephiroth hadn't even risen from his bed to answer her this time.

"You know what I'm going to ask, right?" she began.

"And you know what my answer will be, I assume," he returned, leaning on his elbow.

"You're assuming that I assume the worst." Tareyna crooked her lips in a half-smile, amused by the mild surprise in his beautiful eyes. She really liked his eyes. "I've never liked assuming. Always struck me as a bad decision, thinking you know something for certain without considering the variables. I like clarification."

Sephiroth snorted. Finally, a genuine reaction! she inwardly crowed. "Then proceed with your request."

"All right." The redhead straightened up and squared her shoulders, facing the quiet teenager much as she would their drill sergeant. "Would you like to go clubbing with me and my girlfriends? It would do you some good to get out of this stuffy barracks."

"Not interested," he replied.

"You're never interested," she mumbled, turning to leave.

"Then why do you keep coming?" he asked, sitting up.

Tareyna shrugged. "I don't like seeing people alone all the time, and you don't seem to have any friends or anything."

"So you're volunteering?"

"I guess I am," she replied in an even tone.

Sephiroth looked away from her. "If all you want is to get close to me, forget it. I don't need any friends."

She frowned. "Why not? Everybody needs someone, sometime."

"I don't." He raised his peridot eyes to hers, his gaze challenging. "I've never needed anybody."

Tareyna was not a stupid woman. She prided herself on her intelligence and wit more than any other quality. But his words told her, quite firmly, that she had missed something about him. Glancing around the hallway, the redhead stepped inside his room, allowing the door to slide shut behind her. She pretended not to notice his surprised expression. "Why would you say something like that?"

"Because it's true. When you allow yourself to get close to people, all that happens is pain. They leave you, hurt you, laugh at you..." He spat out each word like a curse, looking at the floor beside his bed. Tareyna had never seen him angry before, and it was obvious that his sudden change in mood was due to something in his past. Who was the focus of his ire?

"That's not true, Sephiroth," she began, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder.

He flinched away from her touch.

The redhead retracted her hand, overwhelmed with sympathy for this powerful, wounded man. "Who hurt you?" she softly inquired.

He turned those beautiful peridot eyes upon her, his expression filled with ice and stone. "Why do you want to know?" he retorted, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "I need your pity even less than I do your friendship."

"That's where you're wrong, _sir_." If she couldn't appeal to his human side, maybe attacking his defenses as a leader would get some answers. "How can you keep your squad safe in battle if you don't care about us? Everybody's scared of you. Yes, fear will make us follow your orders, but what happens if you get hurt in battle? What will motivate anybody to help you?"

He gave her a flat stare. "I won't get hurt."

"You're an idiot if you think that's true. Even the First Classes aren't untouchable. What makes you think a Third like you is beyond all that?" Now she was getting pissed off. How had she missed this arrogance? "Just come out with me, get to know a few people. We're not going to do anything to hurt you."

Sephiroth glared at her, and she thought she saw the ghost of a smile grace his full lips. "You're not going to leave me alone until I agree, are you?"

"You're the one who champions attacking the defenses until the opposition crumbles. What does your tactical knowledge tell you?"

He heaved himself off his bed. "A good leader knows when the battle is lost. Give me a few minutes to put something else on."

Tareyna wanted to do a victory dance, but she kept herself composed. He could still retreat behind his inner walls. "I'll be right outside the door, Sephiroth."

"I will only be a few minutes," he promised.

The redhead left the room and slumped back against the wall, grinning like a madwoman. She couldn't wait to see the looks on her friends' faces when she walked into the club with their gorgeous, enigmatic captain. Maybe she should bring a camera with her.

Her smile faded as she recalled his words about people, and what could have led him to such conclusions. Maybe, deep down inside him, he really did need her friendship to help him heal. All she had to do was keep him from rejecting her.


End file.
